Do I have to point out that some of this material may be considered offensive? and that you should leave right now if you're easily offended?
What do you get when you put 50 politicians in a room with 50 lesbians?
- 100 people who don't do dick!
Back to Random Silliness Page
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you...
"On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you hit bulls-eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue..."
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole .. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news.
"I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I'm afraid your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us!"
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios... "
A woman who had been twice married and divorced was fed up. Her first husband was violent, and her second husband ran off with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually; so, she put an add in the classifieds:
"Wanted: a good looking, single guy who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and is good in bed."
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs on her front porch.(must be Matt!)
"I'm here about your ad", he offers.
"You must be mistaken", she begins to reply.
"Let me exlain", he interjects. "I can't beat you, because I don't have any arms; I can't run off, because I don't have any legs."
"But", she demands, "how do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked...and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he says, "but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo...I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm leavin' you for a better life," she replies.
"Where do you think you're going?" he asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas," she answers. "I hear they pay $400 for a blowjob there."
The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out, and starts packing his clothes.
"What the hell are you doing?" his wife asks.
"I'm going to Las Vegas, too," he answers. "I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"
A few days after letting Adam and Eve settle in, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand for a walk in the garden. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam again took Eve for a walk in the garden. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam began to take Eve for another walk, but this time he reappeared in only seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, tells the pastor she intends to wear white.
"You can't wear white," the pastor says. "You're not a virgin. You've been married three times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin," says the bride.
"Impossible!" says the pastor.
"Unfortunately not," she says. "My first husband was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband was a stamp collector. Oh God, do I ever I miss him!"
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off.
She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.
She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."
He did this carefully. "Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties."
As he did this, the tension continued to mount. She looked at him and then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
It's after dinner when John realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back. The bartender offers him a cold beer on the house and he decides he has time for just one. He's nursing it when a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way. She comes right over to him and sits down. One thing leads to another and she ends up inviting him back to her apartment.
Back at her place they "Go at it" like crazy, and their passions take over. And the next thing John knows is that it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the girl awake and asks if she has any baby powder.
"Yeah, in the bathroom cabinet," she says still half asleep. He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety miles per hour, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him with a rolling pin in her hand.
"So WHERE have you been?" she screams.
"Well, you see honey," John stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and she invited me back to her place..."
"Wait a minute," snapped his wife. "Let me see your hands," as she eyed the whiteness of his fingertips.
Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't you EVER try lying to me again, you rotten little twit...you've been bowling again!"
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very
interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual;
how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's really quite simple," in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants, twice daily.Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.
"So," he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly...."but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms and was soaking up the Miami sun when an old flea friend of his walked by. "Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the first flea when he saw how terrible his friend looked -- runny nose, red eyes, teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some biker's mustache and nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seat and when a stewardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the flea saw Oscar again, looking more chilled and miserable than before. "I did everything you said," Oscar explained. "I went to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
A little boy walked in on his parents in the heat of their lovemaking. "Mommy, what are you doing?" "Um," she stammered, "well, Daddy is so fat that I'm bouncing all the air out of him."
"I don't know what good it's going to do," the boy replied. "The lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"
One afternoon a man and his wife had just finished possibly the worst round of golf they'd ever played. In order to remedy their golf woes, they decided to schedule some lessons with the resident pro. Unfortunately the pair's schedules did not allow them to schedule their first lessons together, so the husband signed up for a Tuesday afternoon slot, and the wife, for one the next day.
Tuesday arrived, and the husband walked out to the first tee with the golf pro. The pro, having never seen the husband's swing before, asked him to tee one up and fire away. The husband did as he was instructed and, as per his norm, sliced deep into the adjacent woods. The pro remarked, "Well, Tom, I can see a number of problems, but the most obvious is that you hold the club way too hard. Loosen up on the grip--as you would if you were holding your wife's breasts." The husband, seeing the value in such advice, gripped the club much more gently and teed off and hit one long and straight down the fairway. He went on to shoot one of the better rounds of his life.
The next day, the wife arrived for her lesson. The golf pro asked to see her swing, and she too sliced, not quite as deep, but into the same woods her husband had the previous day. The pro said, "Marilyn, you and your husband have the same problem. You both hold the club too firmly. I want you to loosen your grip--as if you were holding your husband's penis." Marilyn shrugged, and gripped the club as she typically held her husband's penis, and hit the ball a few feet off the tee. As it rolled and came to a stop a mere six feet from the tee, the golf pro half-chuckled and said, "Well, now, that's just fine, but let's try holding the club in your hands, and not in your mouth this time."
Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. Jack walks down the steet to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and asks Jack what she can do for him. "I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam. She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem". She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10. "Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him.
Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!".
The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken".
Scene: Pharmacy. Foster is looking at the shelves. A woman approaches him.
Woman:
Can I help you sir?
Foster:
I'd like to see the registered pharmacist.
Woman:
I'm a registered pharmacist, and so is my sister. We own the store.
Foster:
Well . . . I guess you can help me. I've had this tremendous erection for two weeks and nothing I do will get rid
of it. What can you give me for it?
Woman:
That's a rather unusual problem. I'll have to consult with my sister.
(She goes into the back room and returns a few minutes later)
Woman:
How about $5000 and half the business?
This guy went into a doctor's office and told the nurse, "I have a problem with my dick." The nurse, half horrified, said, "I am amazed that you have the audicity to use that language here. I will not help you until you call 'it' something else." A little embarassed, the guy leaves.
A few minutes later, he comes back in and says, "I have something wrong with my ear." So the nurse says, "That's better. Now what's wrong with your ear?"
The guy replies, "I can't piss out of it."
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know, "I'm in here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. But I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire..."
This lady was doing a newspaper piece on the Funny Farm, so she decided to visit it for research. She walks in the first door and there's a guy sitting on the bed with his arms spread out, swaying back and forth, side to side yelling zoom, zoom. She asked him what he was doing and he said "I'm practicing for when I get out of here, cause I'm going to be an airplane pilot!"
So she goes into the next room and there's a guy siting on the bed with both his arms straight out in front of himself, fists clenched, yelling rumm, rumm, rumm. She asked him what he was doing. He says "I'm practicing for when I get out of here, cause I'm going to be a race car driver!"
She walks into a third room and there is a guy sitting on his bed, buck naked, and has a big boner with a pecan shell stuck on the end of it. So she says, "What are you practicing to be when you get out of here?" And the guy looks at her and says "Lady, are you crazy, I'm never getting out of here, can't you see I'm fucking nuts?"
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers.
" Hi is Tony home?"
" No he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over!"
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.
His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."
"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."
There was a young lady named Claire
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.
There was a young lady named Hitchin
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen.
Her mother said, "Rose,
It's the crabs, I suppose."
She said, "Yes, and the buggers are itchin'."
There was a young man from Brighton
Who thought he'd at last found a tight 'un.
He said, "Oh my love,
It fits like a glove."
Said she, "But you're not in the right 'un."
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
A pansy up in Khartoum,
took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
as to who had the right
to do what, with which and to whom.
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God,
But 'twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie -
'Twas Roger, the lodger, by God!
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more - would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked.
She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang.
When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor".
She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem".
The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied,
"Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY rike your ass!"
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.
While the couple was scratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.
"Well, yes" said the gentleman. "We were curious about this picture of the African men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"
"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."
Superman is bored. He calls Spiderman, but he says he's busy making a new web.
Then he calls Batman, but he is busy cleaning the Batcave.
So, Superman decides to pay Wonderwoman a visit - maybe she will join him for a drink or two.
He arrives at her door and knocks - no answer.
"Well, with my x-ray vision I can probably check through the door to see whether she is really in there or not" he reasons. He crosses his arms and looks through the door, and he sees Wonderwoman naked on her bed moaning heavily.
"Wow! What an opportunity! With my speed I can probably get in, bang out a quickie and leave - and she won't even notice." So he does his thing: Wham! Bam! In and out like the wind -- and he's gone!
"Wow! What was that?", says Wonderwoman.
"Damned if I know", says the Invisible Man, "but it sure hurt like hell".
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting this fact to a few of his friends down at the local grain silos. One of them says, "You know, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?"
"Well I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
He goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose.
The bull gets a rip-roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately.
That night, he gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, he dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip-roaring hard on. He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out loud,....
"Darling. Look at THIS!!!"
"She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"
A guy goes to Las Vegas and wins big, really big, in one of the casinos. When you win big in Vegas the casino will give you free things, like meals, show tickets, or rooms, this is all designed to keep you there so that you will lose what money you have won. After winning fifty thousand dollars at the crap table, the casino decided to give the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The guy went up to the room, opened the big double doors, and stepped into a three room suite. The room is on a corner of the hotel and two walls are nothing but windows, with a fantastic view of the city. There's a wet bar in one corner, with a big screen T.V. The guy dropped his bag of money in a chair and stood looking out the windows at the city. He realized he was all alone and needed someone to share his good fortune. He called the front desk and told the clerk to send up one of the best, high-priced call girls in the city.
Thirty minutes later there was a knock on the door. The guy opened it to find the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen. Long blond hair, short red dress, and spiked heels. She walked into the room. The guy went to the bar and fixed two drinks; he gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself.
"Now, down to business," he began, "how much for a hand job?" The hooker said, "Honey, a hand job is $500.00" "What, that's outrageous!" he said. "Come over here," she said walking towards one of the windows, "see that strip mall over there," pointing out the window, "I own the last two stores on the end. I was able to buy those stores with the money I saved from giving hand jobs. I must be pretty damn good. " "All right, screw it, money is no object," our lonely friend replied. A half-hour after she's done, the guy is sitting on the couch reveling in ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and makes two more drinks. He gives one to the hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the best hand job I have ever had. How much for a blow job?" She replied, "Honey, a blow job is $5,000." "What, that's outrageous!" he exclaimed. "Come over here," she said walking towards another one of the windows, "see that hotel and casino over there on the corner," pointing out the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it with the money I saved from giving blow jobs. I must be pretty damn good." "Oh, all right, screw it, money is no object," he said, giving her $5 grand. An hour after she's done, the guy was laying on the couch, head rolled back, eyes rolled up inside his head, a little drool coming out of the corner of his mouth. He got up, barely able to stand, staggered over to the bar, mixed two more drinks, gave one to the hooker, and drank one himself. "My god, that was the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta know, how much for some pussy?" The hooker looked at him and replied, "Honey, if I had a pussy, I'down the whole city!"
An African guy and an American spend the day together in the U.S. and the American guy teaches the African guy how to play Russian roulette with a revolver and one loaded bullet.
The next day the two guys go to Africa and the African guy says "I'll teach you how to play African roulette". He takes the American into a circle with beautiful women all around it.
The African says "pick any of these women and they will suck your dick any time you want. The American guy asks "how is this like Russian roulette?" The African guy replies, "One of them is a cannibal!"
There were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know what to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. His was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one
look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke
her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That is right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with
the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief` and said "Me ready for woman."
The chief said "Before you can have a real woman, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for
three days"
The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.
Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for woman."
The Indian chief says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."
The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab
your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.
The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.
"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.