Back to Random Silliness Page
as performed by Larry Miller
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I.violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.
One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible.
"Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy"
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each proceeded to buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and became stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and yelled "SPIT IT OUT!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to screw the cat."
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.
"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.
"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."
"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"
"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!"
There was this guy who went into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you a bettin' man?"
The bartender replied, "Certainly! I'm always a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $50 that I can lick my right eye."
The bartender thought about this a while and finally agreed to the bet. The man reached up and pulled out his glass right eye and licked it. The bartender groaned and begrudgingly gave the man his $50 telling him to leave his bar.
A week or so later, the same man appeared in the bar. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin' man?" The bartender replied, "Certainly! I told you I'm always a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my left eye."
Well, the bartender thought he had him on this one! There was no way that he had TWO glass eyes so the bartender agreed. The man reached up to his mouth, pulled out his dentures and clicked them on his left eye. The bartender moaned and paid the man his $100 telling him to get out of his bar.
A week or so later, the same man ventured into the bar again. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, are you still a bettin' man?" The bartender said, although with a little caution this time, "Certainly! I told you I'm always a bettin' man!" To which the man said, "Give me a shot of whiskey." The bartender poured the man a shot and he drank it down. Slamming the glass on the bar he said, "I'll bet you $500 that you can spin me around on this bar stool and I can piss in that glass right where it lays and not miss a drop."
Well, the bartender's eyes lit up. Here was one time that he was certain that he would win! "Agreed!" he cried. Coming out from around the bar, he grabbed onto the man's bar stool and spun it as hard as he could.
Well, the man just let loose and piss flew everyplace! Not so much as one drop even came close to the glass and the bartender was soaked. When he was done, the bartender was laughing and laughing and holding out his hand. The man pulled out his wallet and gave him his $500. But the bartender was puzzled and as he was wiping off his face, he asked the man, "Why did you bet me $500 that you could piss in that shot glass on the bar when you had to have known there wasn't any possible way to do it?"
The man just smiled and told him, "You may have won $500 off me but I bet that guy over in the corner $10,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would just laugh!"
An Irishman is sitting in a New York bar one night, drinking Irish Whiskey, and suddenly hears the man who's
just sat down on the next stool order the same thing. He turns and looks him over,
"You Irish?"
"Sure am. Born and bred."
"I'll be damned. So am I. Where do you come from in Ireland?"
" A small town - County Cork."
"COUNTY CORK! You come from County Cork! SO DO I! Can you get over that. Where'd you go to school?" he
says with growing interest.
"Our Lady of The Perpetual Forgiveness."
"OUR LADY OF THE PERPETUAL FORGIVENESS???What are the chances? I went there too! Who was your teacher?"
The other man is now just as excited,"Sister Mary Ruth. Who was yours?"
"SISTER MARY RUTH! She was my teacher too! Can you believe this?"
While the two Irishmen are back slapping and exclaiming, a third gentleman walks up to the bar. "Bartender,
would you get me a Scotch & soda?"
"Sure," says the bartender.
"So tell me," says the guy, "how's it goin tonight?"
"Oh," says the bartender, "'bout the same. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home.
Being a good samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys.
Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.
"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But where's his wheelchair?"
A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says 'I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play'.
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks. Next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo.
The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, 'now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars'.
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has another look from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says 'What are you wasting time for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!'
The octopus says 'Play it? If I can work out how to get its pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!'
Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda......no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
A man walks into a bar. He and the bartender are the only ones there. After ordering a drink he puts his thumb up to his ear and his little finger in front of his mouth and begins talking.
The bartender says "hey what are you doing"
The man says "Oh, I am a secret agent and my hand is actually a phone."
The Bartender says: "No, way I don't believe it."
Man says: "Here try it who do you want to call?"
Bartender calls his wife and say: "Honey I am talking to you from some guys hand. ----- no I haven't been drinking,----- no it is really a guys hand he is a secret agent or something,---- okay I'll sober up before coming home even though I am not drunk."
The man walks off and goes into the bath room. Several of the bartenders friend enter the bar and he proceeds to tell them about the guy with a phone in his hand. They all laugh and call him a liar. They say: "Where is this guy, now"
"In the john" says the barman.
They wait and wait and the guy never comes out. So the get up together and go into the bathroom. As the enter they see the man with both hands up against the wall, his pants down to his ankle, and a line of toilet paper still connected to the roll running up to his ass.
The barman yells: What the hell to you think you are doing in here?"
The secret agent answers: "Got a fax coming in"
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone
by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Fence Builder? Noooo....."
Then the old man gestured at the bar. Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar- Builder? Noooo......."
Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Noooo......."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya screw one goat....."
A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of Tequila and one beer chaser.
The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer. When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone. The bartender said, "Wow! You sure drank those fast." The guy explains, You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?" The guy reaches into his pocket and says "Fifty cents!"
"My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head he's ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high. So, he sits down next to him and asks, "How is that you have such a small head?"
The man replies, "Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes.
My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home."
poof
The man continues, "A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home."
poof
The man goes on, "After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, 'How about a little head?'"
So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says"That's amazing. Where did you get him?" Bill says" well I've got this lamp with a genie." So the other fellow says that's great! could I use it?" Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He says" I want a million bucks".
Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks! Joe exclaims "Hey! I asked for I million BUCKS! not DUCKS!" Bill explained "Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don't think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
There was a rather loud disturbance in the wee hours of the morning, outside the pub. An Irishman named Pat wandered back and forth on the sidewalk into the street, then onto the sidewalk and back into the street in front of the pub. He was hollering and swearing as he stumbled back and forth while holding half a pint in one hand and a key in the other.
A small crowd begins to grow when, finally, the constables arrive on the scene. Seeing that what they were dealing with is one rather inebriated and irate young man, one of them approached him and asked, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, schur," the Irishman slurred. "Sshumbody stoll me car!"
"Well now lad," the constable inquires, "where was your car last time you saw it?"
Waving his hand in the air in the front of himself, as if to put the key into the ignition, the Irishman says "Wey, it was at the eind of me key."
At the same time, the other cop has noticed that the Irishman's zipper is down, and it's all there to be seen, so he quietly asks "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down, drops his shoulders woefully and moans "Oh me god, they got me girl too!"
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hamburger: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs anxiously, "I am."
The man replies.... "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!" >>
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and askedd, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps all
around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes
and eats
them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the
bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Now what?" responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever
since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who
comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands up beyond his beard
and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."