Well. I'm hiding today. Because last night I realized something that I wish I hadn't realized. Sean and I finally kissed. And I felt nothing. Well, I felt something, but it wasn't a good feeling. It was a feeling of wrongness. And I ran away as quickly as I could. I walked home by myself, which normally I wouldn't do because I'm paranoid and afraid of being stolen, but this was a special case. I was panicked.

So I hid from him today.

Igor took me grocery shopping. I've decided I like him a lot. So I invited him over for movies. And he came. And he sat on my bed. And I didn't feel guilty. I think I should have, but I didn't. I was happy.

When Igor left, there was an email from Sean waiting on my computer. Basically saying he was worried about the way I'd been acting. So I emailed him back and told him...not the whole truth. Only the part that wouldn't hurt as much...that I just want to be friends. And that's the truth...but only part of it.

I want Damien. And until I have that resolved, I am going to be completely emotionally unavailable. It's not fair. He's not being fair to me. He doesn't even know it...he won't acknowledge it. He won't let me move on. But he won't let me stand still either. So I'm running around in circles, all the time kicking various guys in the balls. There's been too many. I need to stop. ARG!!!!