I find it so strange about myself that I can have one or two conversations with a person and so quickly envision myself in their arms. It angers me too. Because I know this is why I am so often hurt by everyone. I wish I had some sort of control over the way I feel. Or the amount I feel at least. Josh says I can change myself. He says everyone ultimately has control over themselves. Sure, I can control my actions. I love someone, but I don't have to tell him/her. I want to be with someone, but I don't have to throw my arms around that person. But I can't control being speechless in their presence, or my stomach fluttering when I get a whiff of their scent, or my heart pounding when their hand brushes against mine....or even when I hear that little "uh oh" on ICQ. And those are the things I wish I could control. Because in the end, I am the one hurting myself. I know it. That's why I can't hate anyone I've ever been with or not been with. I can say honestly most pain I've been through has been self-inflicted. This summer I am going to change myself and heal. Because I've gone from boyfriend to girlfriend to crush to love to boyfriend to worshipping....and I've forgotten myself. Since I am in Indiana, I have no one to fall for. I am going to better myself, read, listen to music, talk to my mother, write. I am going to be happy. This is my resolution for the summer. And by the time I return to Maryland, I'll be different and I'll be better and not because some other person made me happy, but because I got to know me and I got to like me. And I can feel it happening already. It's so exciting. Change is waiting for me to catch up.