Today was horrid for me; both physically and emotionally.
I've started grinding my teeth again. I had to wear my mouth guard cuz my jaw is killing me. I haven't been grinding my teeth lately either....not for the past 6 months or so. I thought I was over it. But today I would catch myself mashing my teeth together and my jaw acheing. Then I caught myself doing something else I used to do...I was clenching my fists so tight I drew blood. And I kept doing it over and over. Something's wrong with me.
The most disturbing thing just happened though. Its never happened before. I felt so incredibly ill, I went into the bathroom and purged. I forced myself to do it. But now I feel horrible. I thought the purging would purge more than just my stomach. It didn't. I just ended up feeling worse. God. What is my problem? I have to stop hurting myself. Its not doing any good.
I can't go forward, I can't go backwards. I miss Rob on the one hand, but on the other hand I am happy to be alone. I want to see him though. I need to. I have trouble not talking to him. He always made me smile and laugh and feel happy. I hurt him badly I think. And I feel bad. But things weren't going how I wanted them to. He didn't respect me saying 'no' and that made me uncomfortable. He was always demanding to know what I was thinking. Sometimes I need to keep myself seperate from the other person. And he didn't understand that. No one does except my mom and Leslie. They understand me so perfectly.
