5 years ago on this very day, I sat in my father's hospital room and watched him slowly die. It was the last time I ever held his hand. The last time I ever saw him breathe. The last time I talked to him.

God, this day has been so hellish to me in the past. But this year, no this year I was ok. Until about 11 o'clock tonight. Damien said hello to me and I lost it. All the pain of losing my father came rushing out. And I started crying. And crying. And I cried for about 10 minutes. Then I stopped. and now I'm better. I feel refreshed, and not in pain. I've learned over the years that on certain occasions, I need to indulge myself in this crying. But also, over the years, the crying has become less and less frequent. I astonished myself today, not breaking down. But I don't feel like its a dishonor to my father. In fact, I think its the opposite. I think he's proud of how strong I am becoming.

But I am so fuckin weak with Damien. I dislike him so much right now. He keeps hurting me and I keep letting it slide. I was listening to "both hands" by ani and one line reminded me so much of how i am with him. "i am walking out in the rain. i am listening to the low moan of the dial tone again. and i am getting nowhere with you and i can't let it go and i can't get through..." But honestly, I've decided to let him go. He's so far beyond me. I'm being stupid trying to understand him. He doesn't want me to. And he's certainly not going to let me in. I don't plan on seeing him whilst in maryland. But knowing me, he'll probably say just the right thing, and I will crumble.