FUZZY COCKROACHES CAN LEAD TO SEX
RECENT COLUMNS: READ US.. WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!
07/16
Well, ok... Technically speaking, in the strictest sense, that's probably not really the case. That said, there some sort of fuzzy cockroach terrorizing my kitchen last night(or possibly this morning... the 15th is about to die.......now! Damn.. I had to wait a minute for that...At any rate, this stupid bug was crawling all over the place. I privately suspect it was just a cricket or something, but someone claimed it was fuzzy, and someone else that it was a cockroach, so the name stands. It certainly wasn't a mouse... they're mercifully gone now. I wish it hadn't escaped behind the blinds, though. Meh... Can't have everything I suppose.
Chase the old columns! They contain wisdom, much wisdom! Well, they contain something, so you may as well read them. If you're bored.
WHY SMALL TOWN POLICE SHOULD HAVE NO POWER OVER ANYTHING
My grandma's cottage is up in Haliburton, an excellent little town up in northern Ontario. Well, mostly excellent, at any rate. Unfortunately, it's a small town, and so this naturally means there's small-town cops. This can be a mixed blessing; on the one hand, if they're well-trained, they're personable and generally well liked. On the other hand, if they're the ignorant lowlifes who, too stupid to get a job elsewhere, strive naturally towards the only chance at real power they'll ever have. These are generally dickheads, and the two who descended upon my cottage, violating most of the search-and-seizure laws on the books, were no exception. You see, my grandma is fairly recently bereaved, so the man next door (at her cottage) has always disliked her, and now that my grandpa's gone, he's doing his level best to get her to sell and get out. The first step in this master plan? To claim that she, a 78-year old woman, somehow managed to go on a subaquatic adventure, stealing his water pump and pipe in one dastardly stroke of brilliant criminal activity. His proof of such an adventure? A brick. He held down his pipe with a brick, ours was held down with a brick. Notwithstanding the stupidity of stealing someone's water pipe and then placing it within sight of their home, he called the cops, conveniently enough, his friends. They barged into our cottage and demanded my grandmother return the water pump. Let's review- no warrant, no real motive on my grandma's part, no evidence that the pump is ACTUALLY his, and no actual procedural steps taken to even suggest that our cottage should have been broken into. Yeah, sounds kinda like Gestapo manouvers, doesn't it... But hell- they're in a small town- they can do whatever they want! They're the LAW! So they stole the pump(which my uncle bought last year) and then left laughing.
Bah. I hope they choke on the beer they said they were going to the guy's house for.
A pump,. or Thomas the Tank Engine? You decide.
Then again, if it has a brick on it, it probably belongs to the jerk at my cottage, so don't even bother looking at it. Wouldn't want Haliburton Cops on your case .
WOLVERINE AND SOME FAT CANADIAN LUMBERJACKS: A MATCH FROM HEAVEN
On Friday, I went to see the X-Men movie, which was really, really cool, except for a couple of parts, which are the worst line ever, and the first scene in the movie, in which a number of foolish misconceptions and some good, old-fashioned ignorance combined to make me bust up laughing in the theatre, despite the fact that nobody else found anything particularly funny. Which was strange, considering they're from the Great White North too. That's just the problem, actually. The movie was set in the summer, generally a time of nice warm temparatures- which don't mystically stop at the 49th parallel, last time I checked. This notion, unfortunately, has yet to seep into the skulls of some of the more thickwitted of our American neighbours, not to mention the Hollywood types responsible for this blatant misrepresentation of Canada. Doubly funny is the fact the entire movie was shot in Canada, some of it right next door to me in Oshawa! It's ludicrous that people still get the idea that for some reason, this magical snow cloud, not interested in depradating the American countryside with gloom and sleet, but more than content to miserablize Canada year-round, is sitting there, wreaking havoc. Yeah, that's right...we moved out of the bloody log cabins over a hundred years ago, just like you! The country is not peopled by a race of overweight lumberjacks, and it most certainly does not snow year round! Why is this so difficult to conceive of? Really, it doesn't make very much sense that everyone is either a mountie, Inuit hunter or lumberjack anyway, because if that was the case there'd be nobody to have kids anyway! So in conclusion, the movie ruled... except for the Canada scene. Which is actually most of the scenes, but it's surprising how New Yorkified you can make Ontario look. At least it is if you're a hick with no sense of weather patterns, reality, or how procreation works when close family members aren't involved. Otherwise, it's nothing particularly remarkable- just good to laugh at. On a side note, a really annoying kid was sitting behind us. Never, ever, bring a three-year old into a movie theatre if he can talk.
An exception to the rule, this 450-pound lumberjack clawed his way up the corporate ladder in the Blue Jays system and now sits, fat and contented, in his bloatorium, where he can freely eat all day. Life's good when you cuttin' down trees... or at least the food is.
Wolverine after discovering that Gord Ash was actually Toad.
MIDDLE EAST PEACE TALKS: WHAT FUN
You know what's really, really annoying? The perpetual Middle Eastern peace talks that have plagued the news since Israel was created. The whole problem stems from the fact that there's some sort of time warp that afflicts the entire region. For some reason, they can't get their heads unstuck from the sands of the 1200s; thus, the continual petty religious bickering and the various unpleasantries that periodically send the region into a festering pool of unrest are likely to continue until one of three things happen: one, the rest of the world could just get tired with the whole thing, go in, and bust heads until they all calm the hell down and act like reasonable people. Let's be honest here- theocracy has been proven countless times throughout history to be a foolish means of government, and furthermore, when your religious principles compel you to do ridiculous things, like treat women like subhuman creatures or declare foolish wars on countries ten times more powerful, there's something wrong. If China's got anything right, it's the suppression of religious power. This isn't to say religion shouldn't exist- it just shouldn't have any power. The second option is just getting all the Israelis the hell out of there, but that's clearly unfeasible, since religious homelands tend to be a slightly touchy subject(and after all, we did sort of dump them there after World War II). Finally, they could just grow up and realize that fighting over a strip of sand, regardless of its religious importance, is ridiculous and a waste of time. Then again, who ever accused fanatics of making sense? Besides that, there's also the fact that without the cachet of being supremely cool and terroristic, there's not much else to do there other than eat sand and raise sheep. On the whole, waving guns around and irritating the rest of the world is a much more entertaining option.
This ceremony erupted into spontaneous peace talks where nothing was decided, but everyone promised devoutly to meet again. Moments later, however, those facing north while kneeling became pessimistic about the peace process, while those facing south and kneeling, while still optimistic, were shocked and dismayed. Meanwhile, the east-kneelers jacked up oil prices.
DISTURBING (???) URL OF THE DAY:
www.rasputin.ru
If you know Russian, I'd be very interested to know what the heck this place is....
INTREPID BABY SAYS:
Muhaha! I have returned to blight this page and ensure my intrepid ways are continued! My minions have done well to keep you under my grasp, and now I return to say--- THE BABY JIHAD WILL DESTROY YOU!! !! Its intrepidity will render you senseless, and defeat your common sense! In fact, your hard drive will be deleted out of sheer fiendishness if you don't bow to my almighty powers! MEH! Blast... this gay-ass hat is detracting from my mission statement... Rosa! Sunny! Quickly! Dispose of this piece of trash! It's clashing with this delightfully soft jumpsuit, and I really would enjoy these cuffs much more with a safety pin... but such is not to be... No sharp objects, they say... Too intrepid, they say... FAUGH, I say! FAUGH TO THE LOT OF YOU! I WILL RULE THE DAY! Oh, yes! I WILL rule the day!
Now go. I must breastfeed.
I'm lonely... Netscape crashed 4 times while I wrote this... pity me! Or at least send email.
In other news....
Go Home! Inmediately!