THEM ZEROS IS BAD NEWS!!!!

01/26 Dagnabit... I was wondering how long I could go without doing this before my readership fell off the face of the earth entirely... Fine. I guess I'll do a column update. I think I even have some decent fodder for it, so it might just end up being decent. I can't apologize enough for my utter lack of updates; simply put, RPGamer takes up way too much time for me to have any time left for such little details as this page.  So I've finally found some, and by gum, I'm going to put it to good use. Thanks to the 1-3 people who still bother to come around every so often. Remember, tell your friends! They're probably my friends too, but tell them anyway. Right, then. I guess I've rambled enough to fill this little section without making it too obvious that's what I was trying to do, so let's proceed and just pretend this thing gets updated every so often, shall we? Cursed pleasant fictions... always being false.

Lonely? Depressed? Oh well.

castomel@hotmail.com

Bored? Ugly? Look no further.

The Archives

and THAT'S the way it is!!!!!!!!

So if you've ever read a column I've tossed together, you can probably identify a few things that irritate the hell out of me.  The news media in general(despite my involvement in it around the edges) is one of those things.  It won't surprise you, then, to hear that when I logged onto the internet this morning and had my lousy startup page appear(it gets the job done, but Canadian news is occasionally cloying) a picture of Celine Dion with the brazen declaration "doctors say baby looks like both Dion and husband" set my teeth on edge.  It's really quite amazing how often David Eddings is right; somewhere he notes that the first thing anyone will say upon seeing a newborn is how much they look like this parent or that, and I guess our brainiac doctor didn't want to stray too far from the norm here. LOOKS LIKE BOTH PARENTS? Gee, that's some BRILLIANT freaking analysis there, rocket genius! Notwithstanding the above disclaimer, what did you expect the bloody thing to look like? A troll? Milton Berle, perhaps? It never fails to amaze me how incredibly insatiable people can be for news of the obvious.  Why not just admit it- you don't have a picture, so any information about the little sucker isn't going to be of much use anyway. And furthermore, who the hell cares what a freaking baby looks like, anyway? In my experience, they tend to be small,  noisy, and wrinkled. These particular traits don't exactly lend themselves to any idea of what the eventual person is going to look like (in most cases, at any rate) so why bother CARING? Much as Celine Dion's music makes me want to hurl, there's no reason to freaking invade her privacy ten seconds after she pops the little tyke out.  I know that as a doctor holding off a horde of camera-wielding maniacs who look as though they'd drill through the wall for the chance to snap a blurry photo of a baby that they'll get to see eventually anyway might be a slightly daunting task, but "He looks like both his parents"? BAH! And you call yourself a doctor...

Oddly enough, Intrepid Baby bears a striking resemblence to yo Mama... ohhhhhhhh!

HOPALONG HOPS OFF INTO HISTORY

Awwww.. Poor little Lucien.  Nobody in Quebec quite fancied being a country, so he had to pack up his bags and go spend some time with his family.  I notice there weren't any tributes to his political career in the local paper... guess nobody around here liked him all that much. Moving along, his successor showed a striking similarity in tendency to Jacques Parizeau by planting his foot directly in his mouth in one of his first speeches. Our new good old friend, Bernard Landry, decided the Canadian flag resembled bits of red rags. Now there's a brilliant political masterstroke. In one move he outlines his intentions, pisses off three quarters of the country AND then makes himself look even worse by trying to backtrack hurriedly hours later.  Yep... geniuses are just abounding today.  I'd say it's something in the water, but Quebec and Tampa Bay are a fair distance apart, so I guess that's not a particularly valid explanation as to why everyone's saying such stupid things lately.  And now the West wants to separate too.  Here's a little anecdote about the good old West. I was in a game of Starcraft, waiting for it to start, when some dude wanders in and starts swearing. He  found out I lived in Ontario, and promptly started bitching about us getting the Liberals elected. Then he went on about how poor people should be killed and wandered out in a nice, corporate-themed huff.  How nice. At any rate, it would appear the country's doing its level best to fall apart at the seams, so far be it for me to care. Hell, they just released ugly-ass new money anyway, so I can't blame them if they'd wanna get the hell out.  Not only is our currency worthless, it looks like freaking gift certificates to a crackhouse! There's even a touching poem on the back, and some niftiferous safety features that'll make everyone turn green with envy. Or at least indifference. The thing is, counterfeiting isn't even a big problem! It cost the country 4 million dollars last year. Ooh, boy. That's a real pile of change alongside the GDP... At any rate, returning to the topic at hand, Landry managed to waste a whole lot of ink in a whole lot of newspapers, so I guess he accomplished what he set out to do, which was probably get some name recognition.Ok, fine. Hi, asshead!

We don't care if anyone separates, la la la la....

Damn! I never thought of using separation as a ploy..

I guess you're just too stupid.

Hmm.. that IS clever.

Besides, I'm not even officially condoning it!

And if it fails, I've still got my Vulcan death grip!

You wouldn't dare...!

wouldn't I? WOULDN'T I?

I really don't think you would.

Damn.

ASSORTING SOME SPORTING

Wheee.. no Lindros rumours in over a week! We're blessed, I tells you, blessed! On the downside, the Leafs have managed to suck some serious ass.  On the further downside, there's a new quarterback who's found God and is about to play in the Super Bowl.  I can only pray that the New York Giants soundly thwap the Ravens, or else we'll have to put up with some dandified ostrich masquerading as a player's wife(you'd think as a star quarterback you could do better than that) spouting joyful platitudes all about how God is the greatest thing for football since forward passing.  And then there's the quarterback himself to worry about... It really does set my stomach to roiling. Glug.

The answer is c): The Leafs' collapse over the past month and a bit is definitely akin to a Chinese motorcycle.

NEW YEAR'S RAVE

I just can't go a column without a pointless anecdote, so let me be the first to say... it rules when the fire alarm goes on at a rave and you can't even hear it.  It rules even more when a German DJ has to be enlisted to order everyone out of the place, and further still when you have to pay 3 bucks for a freaking coat check, instead of having it listed in the bloody ticket price. I HATE that. If you're gonna make it a mandatory cost, just jack up the total price of the ticket. It's not as though people are going to mind, after all.  Anyway, it was fun, and it's really quite frightening to eat crackers solely for the salt your body so desperately needs. It makes them disturbingly delicious... o_O

"there is a heated building. The sooner you go, the sooner you can come back!" - Commander Tom, who bears absolutely no resemblance to Liberace.

AND IN CONCLUSION

Zeuck. I promise, that'll never happen again. A sooner update WILL occur, or I'll eat my hat, assuming I have one. Which  I don't, so that's a fairly empty promise. Okay, scat!

INTREPID BABY SAYS:

Okay.. Ski-doobidy-muah-biddy muah muah muah meh-meh hah ski yadda bee bop a baby bip boo dee doo cha da! This is my Scat hat, yo.  Now get out of my sight!

Go Home! Inmediately!