The Idiots' Guide to Battlefield 1942

I have this theory: Battlefield 1942 (BF1942) is an idiot magnet. To be sure, Counterstrike (CS) has the highest llama-to-player ratio of all time—hands down, folks, no competition here whatsoever—but BF1942 is far more heavily populated with complete idiots. Even the most ridiculous CS players eventually kill somebody; if you spray enough bullets, after all, you're bound to hit someone. But this doesn't hold true for BF1942. It's almost as if the game sends out insidious, invisible tendrils that work their way across the Internet, ineluctably beckoning each and every illiterate moron to the game with a siren song of stupidity.

Still, every now and then I come across somebody on a server who stands athwart the majority. You know the type: he shoots back at the enemy, he provides air cover, he repairs machines or heals fellow infantry, he actually uses scout targets for artillery bombardment, etc. Let's be honest for a moment, shall we? These players just don't fit in. No, they stick out like a sore, nay, painfully gangrenous thumb, disrupting the game for everyone. As such, I dedicate this guide in the hope that everyone can increase his level of stupidity greatly by following the few simple tips I've gleaned from the multitude of idiots I've had as teammates to date.

• Never capture a control point. Seriously, if you do this the game might very well end, and nobody wants that. No matter how often your teammates cry for reinforcements, no matter how many suggestions they offer to the effect that some location or another needs defending, you just stick to your guns and stand there stupidly humping the wall. Trust me, nobody is going to take you seriously as an idiot if you start capturing control points.
• Never choose a useful class. This is a bit tougher, of course, as all of the classes are useful in different situations, but I think you can still prove a complete waste of tickets if only you'll use your head. If enemy armor is near, for example, then I suggest choosing anything but the anti-tank class. If artillery is available and calling for a target instead, then choose anything but a scout. If enemy infantry is headed your way, well, then choose anything but a medic or assault. The idea, you see, is to decide what class would be most useful, then choose something else. It may seem confusing at first, but don't worry; you'll get the hang of it eventually.
• Recycle tickets quickly. Yes, in this modern age of environmental enlightenment it's important not to be wasteful. I think we all know that the quicker we can get that ticket count to zero, the better off Our Fragile Earth™ will be. Your teammates would heedlessly squander those tickets anyway, wandering hither and yon, so help them help themselves to recycle. That is, chuck grenades at your own spawn location, use the main gun of a tank on your teammates, etc. NB: this works only if friendly-fire (FF) is enabled; if FF is not enabled, well, then try hitting the suicide button a lot (it isn't as efficient, of course, but every little bit helps).
• Use as many vehicles as possible. Every vehicle that one of your teammates gets his filthy mitts on is just one more target for the enemy, one more vehicle that the enemy might capture, one more vehicle to spew harmful virtual particulate emissions into the virtual atmosphere, destroying the virtual ozone. Thus, when you see planes spawn, hop into them immediately and drive them hard and fast into the nearest tree, or, better yet, into another friendly plane in the process of taking off. If at all possible, be sure to die in the process so that you can recycle another ticket. Ground vehicles aren't so simple to use, but I'm sure you can think of something; e.g., rolling tanks into ravines takes care of them quickly enough, driving jeeps into the water is always a good idea, etc.
• Camp your own home base. If you're lucky enough to be playing on a map with a base that can't be taken by the enemy, well, you ought to be as happy as a pig in poop! In this lucky event, never leave home base. Every time you take a step outside the perimeter, you're just asking for trouble. This strategy is particularly helpful insofar as you won't have to worry about capturing any control points either—it's like killing two birds with one stone! It will be more difficult to use as many vehicles as possible, of course, but do your best; it's the most anyone can ask of you.
• Maintain constant communication. And I mean constant communication; i.e., never stop using the radio, not even for an instant. As any serious gamer knows, communication is the very key to good teamwork, so never stop talking. If you're not very creative, just keep calling for anti-tank support—as long as there aren't any tanks nearby, that is. When your teammates start to call you names and complain about your "useless spamming", you'll know you're on the right track—such friendly jibes and insults are a sign that they appreciate all your hard work.

Honestly, I can't take credit for the above suggestions. They would never have occurred to me on my own. Instead, I have to thank all the idiots out there on BF1942 servers around the world who showed me the way. If your BF1942 game isn't what it could be, if you stick out on the server like a rotting body part, if your teammates aren't cursing your name before God and tearing out what little hair they have left in displays of friendly camaraderie, then try my suggestions. I know they'll help you to fit in, to become a part of the thriving community of idiots that play BF1942.

01/09/2003