Almost as Smart as Gamorreans By WedgeantR2

All the UPA pilots were hanging out in the lounge of the UPA base. Things had been quiet lately around the galaxy, and all of the pilots were engaged in their respective activities. WedgeantR2, GoldLeader, and Drewhead were getting drunk on some Corellian ale, Cal had disappeared into the bathroom with a bottle of lotion and a towel, Crusher and Vapor were watching the Playboy channel, and most of the others were just chatting with each other. Over in one corner, Firestorm, Crusader, zappa, and TealKeeper were involved in a game of strip sabacc. Of course, no one noticed that zappa was secretly cheating with a skifter... Suddenly, an alarm sounded. Most of the pilots ran around frantically, tripping over each other and yelling out, “We’re under attack!” Then, Hacker came into the room. “Gotcha!” he yelled. “I just wanted to see what would happen if I sounded a false alarm when you were all chilling down here.” The UPA pilots went back to their activities, and Hacker snuck out of the room. Then, cal came out of the bathroom with his pants halfway down yelling that he needed another bottle of lotion. Crusher handed him one and cal went back in the bathroom. Then, the alarm sounded again. The pilots once again ran around frantically, until they realized that it was probably just Hacker again. Then, a huge explosion rocked the UPA base. The pilots got up a third time, running around, falling over each other, and making a huge commotion. Hacker walked into the room again. “Gotcha again!” he said. “You guys sure are gullible.” “Wait a second,” said Farell, “What was that explosion then?” “Oh that,” said Hacker. I just self destructed the “Falcon Claw” in the hangar bay.” “What!?” yelled GoldLeader. “Just kidding GL,” said Hacker. “That blast was really yoda farting on the bridge. That’s why he was eating beans this morning. We planned this prank together, and it worked!” WedgeantR2 said, “Uh oh. We’ll have to air out the bridge for a week.” The pilots sat down again, and Hacker joined them. Later, yoda came down and started watching the holo with Crusher and Vapor. A few minutes later, the alarm sounded again. “Hacker, the joke is getting old,” Drew said into the comm. Hacker said, “What? I’ve been down here all this time.” Just then, a voice came over the comm. “ALL PILOTS, GET TO YOUR SHIPS! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!” All the pilots ran as fast as they could to the hangar bay, with several of them slipping on some lotion that cal had spilled on the floor. They all strapped themselves into their starfighters and launched from the UPA base. On the battle screens on the bridge of the “UPA One,” two Imperial- class star destroyers were moving toward the fleet, and was launching several TIE squadrons. Blue squadron, in their A-wings, reached the TIE’s first. Soon, the other UPA squadrons got involved in the fray. Crusher maneuvered his X-wing through laser fire and warheads that were shot at him. If only he could get to that group of six TIE bombers in time, they would not have a chance to launch their warheads. He quickly rolled left to avoid hitting a TIE, dodged right to avoid some laser fire, performed some death-defying maneuvers to get out of the way of a TIE interceptor, and did a nosedive to avoid some TIE wreckage. Finally, after all that hard work, he pointed his ship toward the TIE bombers. Suddenly, three A- wings flew past him and shredded the bombers to pieces. Crusher yelled, “What? All that dodging and maneuvering for nothing?!” On the other side of the battle, The UPA fleet prepared to engage the ISDs. TealKeeper got on the comm. “Hey guys, I’ve got a problem here. My shields just failed.” “Oops…” said GoldLeader. “What do you mean, ‘oops’?” said TealKeeper. “Ummm… well this morning, I was trying out some experimental shield technology that I bribed that guy on Bespin for. You know, that guy we met in the dark sunglasses and ski mask,” said GoldLeader. WedgeantR2 said, “UPA Flaming Cow, retreat back to the UPA base for repairs. You can’t go up against a star destroyer without protection.” TealKeeper said, “This is just great! How come it’s always my ship that gets boarded or screwed up or damaged in our stories?” The “UPA Flaming Cow” went back to the base while the rest of the fleet opened fire. The ISDs fired back, trying to destroy the “UPA One.” Suddenly, the “UPA Defender” accidentally clipped the “UPA Stonewall.” Drewhead yelled, “Cal, what do you think you’re doing?” A voice responded, “Ummmm….. cal isn’t here. He’s lying down on a towel in the bathroom, and he’s doing something with a bottle of lotion.” “Then who are you?” asked Drew. “I’m the person he placed in command of his ship in his absence,” said the voice. “What is your rank and what is your name?” asked Drew. “Well, I don’t really have a rank, and everyone refers to me as Mr. Gripbighardcock,” he said. Drew said, “OK then, do you have any idea how to command a medium starship?” “Ummm… not really,” was the reply. Drew said, “OK “UPA Defender,” go back to base with the “UPA Flaming Cow. You will do less harm there. Is there anyone on board besides cal who is capable of commanding the frigate?” “Let me think…….well…..I know Anus and Rigid can’t…….ah, I know who can fly this thing! Myprick! Has anyone here seen Myprick? Come on somebody must have seen Myprick! Hmmm… I guess he’s not here. Remind cal to beat Myprick when he arrives.” Drewhead sighed and said, “I don’t think we’re gonna win this fight.” Meanwhile, the UPA starfighters had almost finished wiping out the TIEs. Houdini, who was leading Green Squadron in the absence of cal, told Green squadron to go help out the fleet take out the ISDs. Twenty torpedoes were launched at one of the star destroyers. They hit the ISDs shields, and then brought them down. Explosions rocked the ISD’s hull. More torpedoes were fired, and turbolaser blasts vaporized entire sections of it’s hull. Comm chatter was running rampant during the battle. Several things could be heard on the comm: “Why does everything happen to my ship?”......“Hey guys, I’m back. I need some more lotion for later though.”......“Hey GL, you up for a round of golf tomorrow?”......“Hey! Leave Myprick alone!”......“Shut up Hacker! No one wants to play Trivial Pursuit!” Then, one of the ISDs exploded. The debris from the star destroyer flew toward the UPA base, but they bounced off it’s shielding and hit the other ISD, which exploded as well. GoldLeader said, “Wow. I guess that guy was right about that experimental shield technology after all.” After the battle, GoldLeader bought drinks for everyone, but he was broke after that because there were close to 100 UPA pilots by now. GL said, “Hey, how come I always buy drinks in our stories?” WedgeantR2 said, “Well, you can blame that on cal and Crusher. They started the whole idea of you buying the drinks so it’s their fault.” Suddenly, Hacker yelled out “Gotcha all again! That attack was set up by me just for this prank. You guys sure are fooled easily.” Drew said, “What? You did all this just as a joke?” Hacker said, “Yeah. Pretty good huh?” Everyone was silent for a moment, and then everyone started laughing. Crusher, yoda, and Vapor turned on the Playboy channel again, and a strip sabacc game got started in the corner again. And of course, cal once again went into the bathroom with some lotion.

WedgeantR2 said, “Hey you! Yeah I’m talking to you! The one reading this story! Hey, of course you know, this is only a story right? None of this ever really happened, but I just wrote it for your reading pleasure. If you liked this story, please send $100 to WedgeantR2 at 69 316th street, bvasdbjgbb, Wyoming (hey you never know, in Wyoming, a town could be named anything), 421532 (or whatever the zip code is over there). Tune in next time for my next story, same UPA time, same UPA channel. THE END