The Book of Greg

The 15 Enjoinments

 

The Book Of Greg, Volume I

 

Introduction

At the dawning (well, not exactly dawning) of the 20th century and 80 years, (yes, well, 82. As I said, it wasn’t exactly the dawning) there came a boy. A boy of little note. A boy of small value. And to this day, he remains this way.

However, he has taken it upon himself* to have his and his friends life lessons** chronicled, to be remembered for all history.***

This tome, as it comes unto the masses, shall surely infuriate the stuffed shirt religious fanatics, and cause bodily harm to Greg and his more devote followers. However, as it is unlikely it shall ever come unto the masses, so ‘tis all good. (But, what really, is the difference in us, anyway? I mean, both of our first initaial’s are "G," and our names are both only one syllable. He does, however, get the nifty capital "H" whenever the pronoun is used.)

And So Speaketh Greg: Thou shalt taketh these enjoinments into thy daily life, and do all in thy power to break none of them.

And so speaketh the masses that the tome cometh unto: Greg, there art many an enjoinment in this tome, and many, many are just plain stupid. Must we follow them all?

And So Speaketh Greg: Hmm. Ok, just follow some. Try real hard.

And so speaketh the masses: Exactly how many is some?

And So Speaketh Greg: How ‘bout one third? That’s not so much to ask, now is it?

And so speaketh the masses: Per day, right? More than that will be rather hard.

And So Speaketh Greg: Sounds reasonable.

And so speaketh the masses: An’, what about things like VIII? We’re in violation Until we see these movies?

ASSG: Quite. After that, you are no longer in violation.

Asstm: Hmm, allright. Oh, one more thing.

ASSG: Yes?

Asstm: Once we violate a commandment, err, enjoinment, we’re in violation our whole lives? Seems a bit unfair.

ASSG: Yes, yes; good point. Ok, one year of violation, then you revert to unviolated. Agreed?

Asstm: Agreed.

ASSG: And, if you’re in violation of more than 1/3 of the total enjoinments at a time, you’re out. This number shall be called your TiVo, or "Total in Violation of".

Asstm: You really think you’ll have enough followers to just kick ‘em out?

ASSG: Hmm. True. But, we must draw the line somewhere. If you’re in violation of all the enjoinments at any given time, you’re out. Ok?

Asstm: Sounds good.

ASSG: But, we will look down upon those that can’t handle a third. And that’s final!

And so, it was settled, and the laws of Greg were established.

 

And so, with no further ado, let the enjoinments begin!

 

  1. Thou shalt not asketh out an animate being indirectly.
  2. Mather’s Class shall always be bitchin’.
  3. Thou shalt see the Star Wars Trilogy, and Prequels.
  4. Thou shalt NOT enjoy the music of the heathen hicks.
  5. Thou shalt not wack off with a suction machine, unless the machine was designed for this purpose.
  6. Thou shalt worship the Blonde-Krinkly-Haired-Lesbian-Man-Hater above all else, and let her word be Law.
  7. Thou shalt not consume that which grows on a bean-curd farm. (i.e., Tofu)
  8. Thou shalt vieweth Mallratz, Clerks, and all else by Kevin Smith, and offer praise to his works.

VIIII. Thou shalt use the apostrophe in place of "G’s" in any word in which doing so would look keen. (i.e., enjoinment II) (Just a way of showing belief in Greg.)

VV. Thou shalt NOT vieweth Buffy the Vampire Slayer, unless thou knoweth honestly in thy heart it is Only to oggle Sarah Michelle Geller and her friends.

IXII.Thou shalt not play RPGs which require multiple people and oral communication, or befriend those heathen geeks which do.

IIIIIIIIIIII. Thou shalt readeth Sluggy Freelance, and worship his teachings.

IIXV.a. You don’t say two or one.
     b. Why not?
     c. You just don’t, okay?
  1. Thou shalt recognize enjoinment IIXV as a Wayne’s World reference, and know who it is said by, and at what point it is said. (You don’t have to follow it.)
XIV. Thou shalt memorize at least one alternate definition to a place name from The Deeper meaning of Liff, and add it to your vocabulary, for it is a book most holy.

VXX. Thou shalt never criticize Talk Soup, and most especially John of the Henson, for he is second only to The Lesbian-Man-Hater in godliness, who is second only to Greg Himself.

 

And so, let these enjoinments be held as the truths of life.**** All hail Greg, paper hats, and being a goofball!!!

*That is, to chronicle himself
**And anything else they care to throw in here
***Or at least 2 months
****This is bull-honky

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