How To Be a Jerk An essay by "Dum Honkey" Bryan Flood

Being a jerk isn’t just about blowing off those who don’t agree or making fun of others because they are different. To be a true jerk, one must strive to make it almost instinct. Becoming a jerk is an art form that takes preparation, attitude and above all, balls.

To be a true jerk, one of the first things a “jerk in training” must do is prepare for the opportunities of the day. A good way to prepare is to wake up every morning, march straight to the bathroom, look in the mirror and say “Today I am going to do all I can to make everyone else’s life miserable.” After making a personal promise to do all you can to lower another self esteem, it’s time to practice.

Family members are the ideal victims. They are family, so no matter what you do to them, chances are they will forgive you. When your mother greets you with a “Good morning”, look past her and mutter “whatever”. This is a perfect way to practice the “hear what you want” or HWYW technique. If she is appalled, then you received the desired reaction. When your father asks you to pass an item at the table this is also a good time to use the HWYW technique. The best practice however, comes from siblings. They are ideal because they are libel to give you a retaliation that could be quite fun and amusing. Feel free to offer rude comments about their friends or clothing. Tell them how much you hate their boyfriend or girlfriends. And always feel free to explain to them that they are adopted and that your parents never wanted them.

Now that you have some practice and experience, it is time to start developing the attitude. Retreat back to your room, lay on the bed and start thinking. Start thinking about every time someone did something you didn’t like. Now, take those thoughts and start exaggerating the details. It done correctly, these exaggerated thoughts will fuel the fire of your hatred. You’ll find that it is easier to be a jerk when your mad. Sometimes these bad thoughts may also be used as your attitude, so be on the look out for that possibility.

The most common attitude for a jerk to have is the classic “I hate the world” attitude. This attitude is ideal amateurs. Like the saying goes, “Simple, yet affective”. You will find that this train of thought is basically a hatred towards anything that is not you. This may include the hatred of animals, clothing, music, an even minor things such as carpet. This particular attitude allows you to be creative in your hostility.

When one feels comfortable with their practice, preparation, and attitude, all that is left for the “jerk-to-be” is the gumption to become a “true jerk”. This means that they must actually partake in the act of being a nuisance.

This is easier to say than to do. If one is a jerk (the “jerker”), chances are that sooner or later, the victim (the “jerkee”) will retaliate. However, seasoned jerks use the “jerkee’s” retaliation to further his/her “jerkness”. Within time, the experienced jerk will find that they have become a resourceful veteran and being a jerk becomes easier.

In a world where every one and their mother is libel to give you the finger, it is important that you do not turn the other cheek. It important that you take it out on other people by being the biggest ass you can. And hopefully, with a little practice to get it down, attitude to motivate you, and the guts to pull it off, you too can be a jerk.