31/Dec/97 - Maxims


 1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
 stupidity.
 
 2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
 3. Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live
 with.
 
 4. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
 
 5. Always remember to pillage before you burn.
 
 6. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
 appreciates how difficult it was.
 
 7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
 warning to others.
 
 8. If "clothes maketh the man" then it follows that naked people have
 little or no influence on society.
 
 9. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving to where you
 can't find them.
 
 10. The law of Probability Dispersal decrees that whatever it is that
 hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
 
 11. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
 
 12. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of
preparation.
 
 13. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
 
 14. The facts, although interesting, are usually irrelevant.
 
 15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
 
 16. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been
before.
 
 17. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
 
 18. Friends may come and friends may go, but enemies accumulate.
 
 19. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
 
 20. If you can smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind
 to blame.
 
 21. One-seventh of life is spent on Monday.
 
 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
 
 23. This is as bad as it can get -- but don't bet on it.
 
 24. Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty but only the pig
enjoys
 it.
 
 25. The trouble with life is that you are halfway through it before you
 realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.
 
 26. Drink varnish and you'll have a lovely finish.
 
 27. We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the
 tragedy of life is that most people are afraid of the light.
 
 28. If only the good die young then what does that say about senior
 citizens?
 
 29. Employ teenagers - while they know everything.
 
 30. The best antiques are old friends.
 
 31. Down with gravity!
 
 32. Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody...!
 
 33. People who eat natural foods die from natural causes.
 
 34. Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
 
 35. Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the
 airport.
 
 36. Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind then it really
 doesn't matter.
 
 37. A friend in need may turn out to be a nuisance.
 
 38. When the cat's away there are fewer hairs on the armchair.
 
 39. An expert is nothing more than an ordinary person away from home.
 
 40. If you can't be kind, be vague.

 
6/Jan/98 - How Wrong Can a Guy Be

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come
back to his hotel.  When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks,
"Am I the first man you ever made love to?"  She looks at him
thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she
says. "Your face looks familiar."


7/Jan/98 - Medical Condition

 The teacher had given the class an assignment.  He stresses the
 importance of this particular assignment, and that no  excuses will be
 accepted except illness (with a medical certificate)  or a death in
 the immediate family (with a note from that member).  A smart-ass
 student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

 The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the
 teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write
 with your other hand."


8/Jan/98 - Slogans that Never Caught On

      To forward or repost, please include the following:

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]



                     April 4, 1997


    The Top 15 Slogans That Never Quite Caught On



15> Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."

14> Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"

13> Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."

12> MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."

11> Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That
    Would be Stupid."

10> Iguana: "The other green meat."

 9> Penis Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It
    Ain't Got That Swing!"

 8> Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

 7> Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty
    years."

 6> Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"

 5> Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"

 4> Trojans: "Just add meat."

 3> Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"

 2> Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"


    and the Number 1 Slogan That Never Quite Caught On...


 1> Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead
    and kill yourself instead?"


10/Jan/98 - Traveling With Kids
"Traveling With Kids"
By Vince Sabio
HumourNet Communications, Ltd.
<http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/

Four days and 2000 miles (3200km) later, I have somehow survived the
Great Snowboard Massacre of 1996 -- but snowboarding (as a topic)
will have to wait; *this* opener's topic is "TRAVELING WITH KIDS."

For all the parents on the list, let me put this weekend into
perspective:

1. Me
2. Two kids: my eleven-year old niece and thirteen-year-old nephew
3. Two nights
4. Eight hundred miles in the car

No sweat, right? Wrong. I am a bachelor.

I'm also a firm believer in what I call the "Rent-A- Kid"(tm)
concept: you check out one or two children for a day (preferably
related, although any children -- neighbors' kids, etc. -- will
suffice in a bona fide Rent-A-Kid(tm) emergency), take them
someplace fun for a while, and check them back in once you've
reaffirmed your commitment to remain single and childless.
Sometimes, this can take as long as twenty minutes.

This weekend was particularly unique, though, in that I've never
checked the kids out for more than twelve hours, nor have I ever
soloed more than one child at a time. The trip was two days and
800 miles in the car, and -- being new to this sport -- I was not
previously aware of the need for "child activities." Needless to
say, I need a vacation. So does my car.

Let's talk kids. First, there's my niece, Megan. Megan is, very
objectively, very beautiful. Eleven years old, and absolutely
drop-dead gorgeous. (Fully-grown women hate her already, and she
can't figure out why.) She is also not my brother's child; most
likely, she was accidentally switched in the nursery at birth.
"Why," you ask, "do you say that?" Easy. If you'd ever seen my
brother or his ex-wife, you'd realize that there's simply no way
either of them could have produced this child. Somewhere, there is
a supermodel couple wondering how their kid got screwed over by the
gene pool.

However, Megan *does* follow the conservation-of-looks-and-brains
theorem (I'm gonna burn for this one), which states that the sum of
a girl's "appearance" figure (scale of 0 - 10) times ten plus her I.Q.
equals a constant somewhere around 150. In Megan's case, this formula
leaves only about 50 points available for I.Q. For example, here is a
typical Megan conversation -- and one that actually occurred this
past weekend:

Megan: <looking around frantically

Me: Megan, is something wrong?

Megan: I can't find my sunglasses ...

Me: They're on your head, sweetheart.

Megan: <touches top of head, finds sunglasses Oh.

Okay, so perhaps she *is* my brother's child. But the similarity
ends there.

Then there's my nephew, Justin, who (at thirteen) is just beginning
to outgrow the "whining" stage -- something he'll grow back into
once he's married, I'm sure. Justin is, unfortunately, living
justification of women's claims that males can (and do) out-whine
females; Justin doesn't even leave us room for argument. Sixteen
hours in the car with him, and you realize why some animals eat
their young. Actually, I had fifteen and a half hours to contemplate
that thought, since it was first consciously considered about thirty
minutes out of port.

The trip was not without its high points -- I did, after all, learn
some very important things about traveling in the car with children.
I'd like to share some of them with you, as they may be of use to
other bachelors planning to expand the daily Rent-A-Kid(tm) plan
into a weekend getaway:

1. Keep them separate! Yes, if the children's ages differ by less
than five years, you will need to put some space between them. The
following formula provides a good rule of thumb:

 safe_distance = 5.0 / (age_of_older_child - age_of_younger_child)

Note that this measurement is made in miles. Thus, for two children
who are two years apart, 2.5 miles should be a safe distance. Twins
should never travel within the same solar system.

2. Keep them occupied. Anything that can hold a child's attention
for more than five minutes will work. For girls, the license-plate
game is always loads of fun. And for boys, I've found the "hit the
other car with the paint bomb" game to be very effective, despite
its potential liability. Warning: Some people have no sense of humor.
Use a fast car.

3. Bring duct tape. Don't use common clear-plastic tape, as it is
easier for the children to remove (or bite through). Duct tape also
absorbs a great deal of sound.

4. In case all else fails, carry cyanide pills. Not for them; for you.

(For those who are interested/concerned at this point: Yes, at the
combined suggestions of the Department of Health and Human Services,
the Environmental Protection Agency and the Maryland State
Department of Corrections, I have decided to *not* have any children
of my own. Plus, it's so much fun terrorizing OTHER people's kids.)

Seriously, though, it's really not all that bad. In fact, there are
some really *nice* things about being away with the kids for a
weekend; for example, it's (ironically) easier to meet women when
you have kids with you. Why, just look at this sample conversation:

Woman: Hey, what are you doing in here?

Me: Sorry. My niece had to go to the bathroom.

Megan: Uncle Vinnie, isn't she the one you said had "a really nice
butt"?

Me: Shush, Megan. <nervous grin Heh ... 'Kids'! No telling *where*
they get their crazy ideas from, huh?

Woman: If you don't get out of here ...

Me: Sorry, Miss, but she can't go to the bathroom alone, yet.
She'll be out in just a minute ...

Megan: But Uncle Vinnie, I *told* you I could go to the bathroom
alone. I've been going to the bathroom by myself for *years* ...

Me: *Quiet*, Megan!

Woman: I'm calling the police ...

Me: Does this mean that dinner's out of the question?

See? In no time at all, I managed to strike up a meaningful
conversation with a total stranger -- a conversation that, years
from now, I'll be able to look back upon fondly and say, "Yes, Mr.
Warden, Sir, I *do* believe that I have served my debt to society
and that I should be eligible for parole." Sure, I could have
managed that *without* Megan's help, but it's just so much easier
when you have kids with you.

Traveling with kids also provides a great learning opportunity for
them. Justin, for example, learned how to read maps and project
E.T.A.s on this trip. Megan learned her phone number. And every
kiddie question is *not* merely an annoyance, but an opportunity
to help expand their knowledge:

Q: Where are we?
A: We're in Egypt, Megan. Do you know where *that* is?

Q: What river was that?
A: That was the Amazon River. Do you know where *that* is?

Q: Wow, I can see *mountains*! Are those the Anna-pla ... Appa-lay
... Appalachians?
A: No, dear, those are the Himalayas.
Q: Is that where we're going skiing?
A: Yes -- we're going skiing in the Himalayas.
Q: <out of left field Isn't that where Bigfoot lives?
A: Yes, it is. And did you know that he likes to eat small children
while they sleep?

Never pass up an opportunity to further a child's education. :-)

Copyright 1996, 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd.
All Rights Reserved. Permission is hereby granted to forward or post
"Traveling With Kids," provided that the by-line (above) and this
copyright statement are included.


12/Jan/98 - More of the Great Outdoors

This list is circulating among Forest Service employees.  These are 
actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets 
and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips: 
     
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there 
a way I can get reimbursed?  Please call."
     
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections." 
     
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs 
to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors 
to wilderness."
     
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands." 
     
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness.  Hikers that use walking sticks are 
more likely to chase animals."
     
"All the mile markers are missing this year." 
     
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse." 
     
"Trails need to be reconstructed.  Please avoid building trails that 
go uphill."
     
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs.  Please spray 
the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
     
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter." 
     
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful 
views without having to hike to them."
     
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please 
eradicate these annoying animals."
     
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can 
hike at night with flashlights."
     
"Need more signs to keep area pristine." 
     
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead." 
     
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked." 
     
"Too many rocks in the mountains."

------------------------------------------------------------

One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and
wooden boys do.  As they were cuddling later, Pinnochio could tell that
something was bothering his girlfriend.  So, he asked her, "What's the
matter, baby?"  Pinnochio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're
probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me
splinters."

This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek
some advice form his creator, Gepetto.  When Pinnochio arrived, Gepetto
could tell something was bothering Pinnochio, and asked him what was the
matter.  As Pinnochio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto, Gepetto searched up
and down for a solution.  Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be
able to "smooth" out Pinnochio's relationship with his girlfriend...advice
only a father could give.   Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on
his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinnochio for a while and therefore assumed that
the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio's problems.  A couple weeks later,
Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when
he ran into Pinnochio.  When he saw Pinnochio buying all the packs of
sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinnochio, things
must be going pretty damn good with the girls," to which Pinnochio replied
"Girls? who needs girls? "


------------------------------------------------------------
I was flipping through a collection of Gahan Wilson cartoons and came
across one I really liked.  A wizened old lady is peering into a
crystal ball.  A man in a rumpled suit sits across from her.  She is
saying, "You are Lieutenant Phil Reardon of the Bunco Squad and are
trying to nail me for fraud, but you will fail."



------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
by Peggy Althoff

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your
   elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo
   confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop pill into its
   mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws
   down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right
   arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle.
   (Resist impulse to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly
   cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of
   chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand
   over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the
   upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head
   is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what
   you're doing. That's just as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man,
   have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway?
   Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly,
   "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take
   pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those
   flashing claws are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel.
    Spread towel on floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted
    plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach.
    (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for
    no man--or woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head.
    Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the
    petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's
    done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.




------------------------------------------------------------

 A small town farmer had three daughters.  Being a single father,
 he tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters.  When
 gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would
 greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.
 One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates.
 The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the
 door. A gentleman said,
 
 Hi, I'm Joe,
 I'm here for Flo,
 We're goin' to the show,
 Is she ready to go?
 
 The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
 
 The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and
 answered the door. A gentleman said,
 
 Hi, I'm Eddie,
 I'm here for Betty,
 We gettin' spaghetti,
 Is she ready?
 
 The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.
 
 The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and
 answered the door. A gentleman said,
 
 Hi, I'm Chuck,
 
 And the farmer shot him.
 


------------------------------------------------------------

A rather shapely young lady spent almost all of her vacation
sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first
day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she totally undressed for an all-over tan.  She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on
her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Oceanic Hotel
doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much
appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," she asked rather calmly. "No one can
see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on the
dining room skylight."



------------------------------------------------------------

 One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad!
Mom!  I have some great news for you!  I am getting married to the
most beautiful girl in town.  She lives a block away and her name is
Susan.
 
 After dinner, William's dad took him aside.  "Son, I have to talk
with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a
wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the
bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.  Susan is actually
your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
 
 William was heart-broken.  After eight months he eventually started
dating girls again.  A year later he came home and very proudly
announced, "Dianne said yes!  We're getting married in June."
 
 Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news.  "Dianne is your half-sister too, William.  I'm awfully
sorry about this."
 
 William was furious!  He finally decided to go to his mother with the
news.
 
 "Dad has done so much harm..  I guess I'm never going to get
married," he complained.  "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the
girl is my half-sister."
 
 His mother just shook her head.  "Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear.  He's not really your father."




------------------------------------------------------------

                      FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

FROM:   THE TREES

StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl coNtInUE To KIll oNe
CeleBrITY EacH WeEK.

TheRe ARe nO SkIinG "aCciDenTS".



------------------------------------------------------------

Men's Top 25 Rules for Women:

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour.  This is a great
time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute
going out to dinner.

3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our
friends.  Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or
the local Patagonia store.

4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

5. Butthead is the smart one.

6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and
"the relationship."

9. Things you can help with:  the Sunday crossword, yard work, the
dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are,
watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking
out the beer.

11. Socks never constitute a gift.

12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to
look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some
speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

13. We don't know anything about handbags.  Don't even ask.

14. We did water the plants.  They died anyway.  Nobody knows why this
happens.

15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.

16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense
to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

17. Curley is the bald one.

18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of
yours.

19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just
accept that.

20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal
Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and
Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary
Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome.  Three hours of
post-coital conversation are not.

23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present.  Two tickets to a
ball game are even better.

24. No, you can't have the remote control.

25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever
leave us alone.  All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only
add to our discomfort.



------------------------------------------------------------

 WHAT THE ORGANIZATIONAL CHART DOESN'T TELL YOU 
 
In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a
nearly impossible task.  Some folks are called Analysts.  Some are
called Programmers. Some are called Engineers.  None of them has
window offices.
 
So I have listed -- from lowest to highest in order of prestige 
-- and described the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data 
processing shop.
 
A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six
of these positions...usually all at the same time.
 
10.  Programmer:
     This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field.  Manages no
     one.  Answers to everyone.  Approximately 50% of the Programmer's
     time is scheduled for testing.  Another 50% is spent filling out
     time cards and progress reports.  Any time left over is spent
     attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the
     shop. 
 
     The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. 
     Never has time to write any.  Hopes to, someday, be promoted to
     Systems Analyst.
 
 9.  Systems Analyst:
     The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore.  Designs new 
     systems. Writes specs for new systems.  Devises procedures 
     and work flows for new systems but ends up training users 
     on how to get by with the old ones.  Next in line for Team 
     Leader position.
 
 8.  Team Leader:
     A Team Leader manages one project.  Doesn't know why he's not
     called Project Leader;  that's what he has on his resume.
 
 7.  Project Leader:
     Manages several projects at once.  Analyzes Gantt charts from the
     Team Leaders' projects.  Coordinates schedules from the Team
     Leaders' projects.  Monitors deliverables from the Team Leaders'
     projects. Has absolutely no idea what any of the Team Leaders'
     projects are about. Wants to be a programmer again.
 
 6.  Operator:
     The Operator wields powers that the Project Leader can only dream
     about.  Makes Programmers beg for tape drives.  Makes Analysts
     beg for disk space.  Makes Team Leaders beg for printouts.  Has
     an uncanny understanding of career potential in the data
     processing industry. Going to law school at night. 
 
 5.  Systems Programmer:
     Even an Operator wants to be a Systems Programmer.  A          
     Systems Programmer has the authority to wipe out disk packs      
         without warning.  Crash the system during user demos.  Make
     new releases appear, then disappear, then reappear again,
     especially during month-end processing. 
 
 4.  DBA:
     No one really knows what the Database Administrator does, and no
     one is smart enough to know if the DBA is doing it or not.  But
     every shop must have one DBA, because no place can afford two of
     them.
 
 3.  Manager:
     The Manager is sometimes called a Director.  Or an Assistant
     Vice-President.  Or an Account Manager.  Has completely lost
     touch with any facsimile of technology.  Wants to finish next
     year's budget. Wants to finish last year's appraisals.  Wants to
     learn the names of some of the Programmers.  But instead, only
     has time to interview job applicants, especially DBAs.
 
 2.  Department Secretary:
     The Programmers have word processing.  The Managers have 
     electronic mail.  Everyone has automatic phone messaging.  
     This leaves the Department Secretary with all kinds of time to
     manipulate, control and dispense the three most basic employee
     needs:  paychecks, rumors, and supplies.  Can make copier
     self-destruct just by going to lunch.
 
 1.  Contract Programmer:
     A Contract Programmer doesn't have to wear a nice suit.  Or go to
     meetings.  Or fill out time cards.  Or keep complaints to
     himself.  He can make all the mistakes he wants.  He doesn't get
     benefits.  He doesn't get training.  He doesn't get respect.
 
     But after years in the trenches, the Contract Programmer will
     finally achieve the ultimate goal in the profession:  He will be
     able to make impossible deadlines with inadequate resources for
     desperate managers by putting in all kinds of extra hours... and
     will be paid overtime for every one of them.



------------------------------------------------------------

TOP TEN PETTY GRIPES MICROSOFT HAS WITH THE COURT

10. Microsoft to court: "What do you mean precisely by 'world
domination'?" 

9. Lawrence Lessig used to steal Gates' lunch money in grade
school. No fair!

8. Request to clear the courtroom of disruptive laid-off Netscape
employees.

7. Joel Klein using Mac laptop to take notes--prejudiced! 

6. Please make Ralph Nader put down his bullhorn while court is in
session.

5. Please ask FBI Director Freeh to cease and desist Stealth flyovers
of Redmond.

4. Court recorder saying, "Wait a minute, I have to reboot," not
helping their case.

3. Request that Judge Jackson not refer to Microsoft lawyers as "you
people."

2. Removing MS lawyer Bill Neukom from the courtroom in shackles after
every session is demeaning.

1. Court's request to install airbags and seat belts in Windows might
be slightly extreme.



------------------------------------------------------------

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.  He'd
toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.  In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear.  He tried and tried to dig it out but
succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.  He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided
to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date.  After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date
said he could get the peanut out.  The young man told the father to
sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to
blow hard.  When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.  The young man
insisted that it was nothing, and the daughter brought the young man
out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.  The mother said,
"That's wonderful.  Isn't he smart?  What do you think he's going to
be when he grows older?"

The father replied "Well, from the smell of his fingers... he'd better
be our son-in-law!"



------------------------------------------------------------

Cows and Politics

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all
the cows.  The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them
and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for
by ex- chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the
government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as
much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to
take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care
of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots
you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for
keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts
you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the
milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick
someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you
vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for
speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and
they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what
you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to
milk them.  After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cow.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or
your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your
publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all
seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you
kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking
or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies
they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"
is a symbol of the phallo - centric, war - mongering, intolerant past)
two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non -
specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got
to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.