Erap Jokes and other Presidential Jokes

Prostitute
Erap: Can Prostitute be save?
Bro. Mike Velarde: Siyempre!
Erap: Sige, i-save mo ako ng isa para sa Sabado night.
Erap, Clinton and Yeltsin
God appeared to the 3 world leaders: Clinton, Yeltsin and Erap. God told them that He is granting them a truthful answer to any one question they have.
First came Clinton; "God, when will the special prosecutor, Kenneth Star, finish his investigation so that i can eventually clear my name?" God immediately replied: "By the year 2015." Clinton broke down and cried. God asked, "Why do you cry, my son?" To which Clinton replied: "Because I will nolonger be around when that happens which means I will go down in history as the US President who had a sex scandal ridden administration!" And Clinton faded away.
Second came Yeltsin: "God, when will the Russian economy finally take off?" God replied: "By the Year 2020." Yeltsin broke down and cried. God asked, "Why do you cry, my son?" To which Yeltsin replied: "Because I will no longer be around when that happens - so I will never see Tussia's economy prosper and stabilize." And Yeltsin faded away.
Finally came Erap: "God, when do you think will I ever be accepted by the Filipino intellectuals and society's elite and be considered a competent leader?" At which point, God broke down and cried. Erap astonishingly asked, "Why do you cry, My God?" To which God answered: "Because when that happens, I will no longer be around....."
Why did Erap shoot his wife when he bought a house?
Because the contract reads: "Execute all 3 copies together your wife..."

Reporter: Mr. Prez. How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Erap: 16!
Reporter: Why?
Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

Erap noticed the new jeans FVR is wearing and asks.
Erap: Nice jeans! Ano'ng brand?
FVR: Guess
Erap: Levis?
FVR: No! Guess!
Erap: Armani??
FVR: Guess nga!
Erap: Sirit na nga??

H to O
The teacher asks Erap, "What is the formula for water?" Erap answers, "H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O." Teacher yells, "That's not what I taught you!" Erap exclaims, "But you said that the formula for water is H to O."
Erap doing a citizen's arrest on foreigner.
"Abuso ka na, ano'ng pangalan mo?" Erap asks while writing the report. "Vladimir Kromanikov Shneit Norkavanikov Manheit Slokevsky." the foreigner, being arrested, answered. Erap exclaims, "O SIGE NA NGA, ALIS KA NA!"
The Hokey Pokey Song
Erap was showing the children the hokey pokey. He started off, "You put your right FEET in, you put your right FEET out...." His wife interrupts and corrects him saying, "Honey, It's foot!" Erap thanks his wife for correcting him and starts singing again, "FOOT your right feet in, FOOT your right feet out......."
Erap ordered pizza
Waiter: Sir, gusto niyo ba i-cut ko sa 4 slices or 8 slices?
Erap: 4 slices na lang baka hindi ko ko maubos ang 8 eh.
How Erap Would Name Teams
The referree goes to Erap for advice. "Sir, how should we name our 3 teams, the White Team, the Black Team and the Brown Team? Erap answers, "That's easy. The White team will be the A-team. The Brown team will be the B-team and the Black team will be the E-team (itim)."
Crime Convention
At an International Crime Prevention meeting:
France: Our police can respond to a crime scene in 5 mins.
USA: Ours? 1 min.
UK: Ours? 30 secs.
Erap: Small time!! Our police are always at the crime scene.
UP Diliman
Erap calling UP Diliman.
Erap: Hello! Is this Diliman?
Operator: No! This is Padre Faura.
Erap: I'm sorry Father.
Y2K
Question: How's your Y2K conversion going on?
Erap: It's crazy. I can't imagine I'm going to work from MondaK to FridaK, spend SaturdaK and Sundak with the kids. Why do they have to convert Y to K anyway?
Choking
Erap: Doctor! Doctor! I swallowed a bone!
Doctor: Are you choking?
Erap: No! I'm serious!!
Erap in School
Classmate 1: What is 5 + 4?
Erap: eh 'di 9!
Classmate 2: What is 4 + 5?
Erap: Gagaguhin mo pa ako, eh, binaligtad mo lang eh....eh 'di 6!
Erap On Phone
Erap: This is an emergency! My wife is pregnant & she's bleeding very badly.
Operator: Sir, is this her first child?
Erap: "Gago! This is her husband!"
Elevator
Manager: Sir, you look very tired. You didn't use the elevator.
Erap: The sign says "Capacity 10 persons." I'm in a hurry, I can't wait for 9 more passengers.
Pikon
Pikon na raw si Erap sa mga text jokes tunkol sa kanya.
Erap: Kung hindi n'yo titigilan ang pag tetext tungkol sa akin papaputol ko ang linya ng Globe....sa Meralco!!
Taxi
Pumara si Erap ng taxi.
Erap: Magkano papuntang Makati?
Taxi: Ikaw lang ho mag-isa?
Erap: Bakit, hindi ka ba sasama?
Minimize
Teacher: Erap, define Minimize.
Erap: MINIMIZE is the girlfriend of MICKEY MICE!
A Diet For Erap
Erap is starting to get a bit over weight, so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When Erap returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Sinunod mo talaga ang instructions ko 'no?" Erap nods. "Pero, Doc, akala ko babagsak ako sa pangatlong araw." "Sa gutom?" "Hindi, prom i-skipping."
Sigurista
While typing Erap's speech, Erap's secretary paused awhile and asked Erap.
Secretary: Sir, dalawa nga ba ang -o- sa unahan ang cooperation?
Erap: Dagdagan mo pa nang isa para sigurado.
Pull
Erap and Jinggoy to watch a movie. Before entering, Erap reads sign on the door: "PULL"
Erap: "tsk tsk, Balik na lang tayo bukas. Puno na naman eh!"
No Limbs Versus No Head
German: We had a boy born with no limbs! Now he's the world's greatest mountain climber!
Pinoy: Wala 'yan, sa amin, born 62 years ago with no head! Now he is our president.
I Think
There is this moron that eats anyone who tells a lie.
Very fat girl: "I think I'm sexy." The girl was eaten!
Ugly boy: "I think I'm handsome." The boy was eaten!
Erap: "I think...." And Erap was eaten!
Erap's Vehicle
Erap one day went to a car dealer (Mitsubishi) to buy a car. A salesman approaches.
Erap: "Ah, gusto ko sanang bumili ng 16."
Salesman: "Sir, what 16? Ahh 16 valve car?"
Erap: "No, hindi ko kailangan ng kotse na may 16 bulbs. Ang hinahanap ko ay 'yong sasakyan na 4 times 4."
Salesman: "Ahhh, sir, you mean 4 by 4."
Erap: "Is that what I means? OK, sige yun na!!!"
Salesman: "Sir, I recomment the Pajero Intercooler."
Erap: "!#@$!!@#%, I'm the President of the Philippines, bakit ganyan lang ang ibibigay mo sa akin? Bigyan mo ako ng Pajero INTERCOOLEST!"
Test
As Erap's driver test drives it.
Driver: Sir, pweding pakitingin kung umiilaw 'yong parking light (as driver switches on the parking light)
Erap: OK, gumagana!
Driver: Sir, 'yong headlights, umiilaw ba? (as driver switches on the headlights)
Erap: OK, gumagana!
Driver: Sir, 'yong signal light pakitingin? (as driver switches on the signal light)
Erap: Ayon gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana, ay ayaw, ay gumagana......
Beast Of Burden
Teacher: (talking to Erap) Can you give me an example of a beast of burden?
Erap: Carabao, ma'am!
Teacher: Very good, Erap. Can you give another example?
Erap: How about another Carabao?
Sa Isan Lamay.....
Erap: Tayo na Jinggoy mauna na tayo.
Jinggoy: Bakit po?
Erap: Hindi mo ba nabasa 'yong sign - "REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED"
Logic Lang Iyan
One day, Erap sees Pres. Ramos reading a book on logic
Erap : Fidel, mahirap yata iyang binabasa mong libro
Ramos : Hindi, logic lang ito, madali lang
Erap : Ano ba yang logic na yan, hindi ko yata alam yan
Ramos : Ganito lang yan, may aquarium ka ba sa bahay?
Erap : Oo
Ramos : Kung may aquarium ka, eh di mahilig ka sa isda
Erap : Oo
Ramos : At kung mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka rin sa dagat
Erap: Oo
Ramos ; Eh di kung mahilig ka sa dagat, gusto mo pumupunta sa beach
Erap : Oo
Ramos : At kung mahilig kang pumunta sa beach, mahilig ka sa babaeng naka-bathing suit
Erap : Oo
Ramos : Eh kung mahilig ka sa mga seksing babaeng naka-bathing suit, eh di lalakeng - lalaki ka
Erap : Oo
Ramos : Eh kung lalakeng - lalaki ka, eh di macho ka
Erap : Oo
Ramos : Kita mo na na, ganyan lang ang logic!
Erap : Okey pala yang logic na yan, ah
The following day, Erap sees Maceda in the Senate. .
Erap : Pare,Maceda, susubukan ko lang itong tinuro sa aking logic ni Ramos
Maceda : Sige nga!
Erap : May aquarium ka ba sa bahay
Maceda : Wala
Erap : BAKLA! BAKLA! BAKLA!
Barkada sa Hunting
Tatlong magkaka-barkada: a La Sallite, a UP student, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip. The first night, the guy from UP comes back to the cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he coolly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story. Therefore, the La Sallite decides to try it himself. However, the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask. "Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."
How to Identify a La Sallite
A La Sallite walks into a store in Mega Mall and says: "Miss, I'd like a green parrot, please." The salesgirl looks at him and asks: "Sir, are you a La Sallite, by any chance?" The La Sallite replies: "O... bakit mo naman natanong 'yan? If I ordered BLUE cheese, would you ask me if I were from Ateneo? I don't think so. If I bought a MAROON shirt, would you ask me if I were from UP? I think not. So why then, when I want to buy a GREEN parrot, do you ask me if I'm from La Salle?" "Sir, kasi naman..." replied the salesgirl, "this is a flower shop, eh."
Mahirap Lahat
Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Assumption, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.
Joan of Arc
Erap went to France to watch the world cup. He was toured around by a French official. "Mr. President, this is Joan of Arc. Do you know her?" Erap: Of course. She's Noah's wife.

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