Mixed relationships are becoming the craze of the century, as millions defy ancient taboos to form intimate relationships from other cultural, religious and racial backgrounds. Unlike other couples, their dilemmas are much more complicated since most of it is drawn from the cultural differences that makes they’re romance controversial and challenging.

This research is conducted in order to provide an in-depth meaning behind the subject commonly talked about but never understood: intercultural relationships. It will provide readers a deeper understanding of the factors that causes tensions in a mixed relationship. It will also present a bigger view of the problems and issues that are brimming with controversy within the relationship.

In my own personal experience, I had been a part of a mixed relationship. I had seen and felt the different reactions of people around me regarding my choice of boyfriend. There were so many obstacles that made my relationship a failure. I never had the chance to resolve the problems we had or even understand why it didn’t work. From then on, finding the answers to my questions never left my mind. My need to understand the essence of intercultural relationships led me to choose this topic for my research.

This research paper covers three controversial issues about intercultural relationship. The first issue covers the reasons that drive people to marry outside their group. Second is the cultural difference that causes the tensions within a relationship. And third issue covers the solution to challenge the odds.

There are seven types of people who most likely enter a mixed relationship. These people share certain personality tendencies and matrimonial motives that we may find obscure and unfit in the norms of our society. (Romano, 1988)

• Classic Outcasts are the type of people who are in search for a place they can belong. They are those who feel or actually are ostracized by the society because of their physical unattractiveness or the lack of popularity with the opposite sex members of their own group. On occasion, they choose to marry someone from a society whose cultural norms are more compatible with their own personal norms. Sometimes, they marry their partner due to their foreignness in order to conceal their status in society.

• Rebels are the type of people who marry interculturally as a form of protest against something they dislike or want to get away from in their own cultures. Occasionally, these are just basic values or beliefs that are unsuitable or outdated in their own point of view.

• Mavericks are the types of people who don’t put much importance on belonging to an "in group". They are frequently loners by choice that are actually happier outside their own group. Unlike the outcasts, they are not social rejects. They are the independent types who feel detach enough from their cultures or peer groups to desire total alienation in their decisions in life. And also, unlike the rebels, they have no deep beliefs or social and religious ties to hold on to.

• Compensators are people who marry out of need. They are those who are in search of someone who can provide them with what they lack in life. Their deficiency is often attributed to their culture and the form of lifestyle in their society. Occasionally, they marry a foreign spouse because they believe they are the only one who will be able to fill the missing part of their lives.
• Adventurers are the types of people who marry interculturally to find excitement in their lives. They are often bored with the comfortable and predictable relationships they have had with people of their own kind. Most likely, each additional difference they find in a foreign spouse gives a much greater spark and makes their experience much more exciting.
• Escapists are the types of people who marry interculturally in order to improve their social and economic positions in their society. Other escapists are bound to seek refuge from poverty or gain citizenship in a country of greener pasture.
• The Unstable person is the type who marries for sadistic, masochistic or neurotic reason. Violence is often associated to this type of people, since their own social group considers them deviant and abnormal.

Social changes also affect decisions to intermarry. The freedom to move within and between countries allowed different groups of people to be oriented with each other. Their fascination with each other’s diversities led to either attraction or speculation of people within the society. There are several theories about social structure that can help explain intercultural marriages.

• Due to migration patterns, war, or slavery, the unbalanced ratio of sexes led to out-marriage. Throughout history, members of minority groups who could not find partners in their domain, goes out and marry someone from a different crowd.(Prinzing,1991)
• Increasing social recognition and acceptance towards heterogeneity also contributed to the increasing number of mixed relationship. Since the U.S Supreme Court overturned southern states laws in 1967 (Loving VS. State of Virginia) prohibiting interracial marriage, an enormous increase in the number of mixed couple became prevalent. (Stokes,1996) According to Gallup poll of the general population in the U.S, 4% approved of white/nonwhite marriage in 1958, 20% approved in 1968, 36% in 1978, and 43% in 1983. The black population showed an even higher degree of approval: 58% approved in 1968, 66% in 1978 and 71% in 1983.(Prinzing, 1991)
• The power of positive stereotypes on men and women in some cultural groups also led to the creation of mixed relationships. For instance, a common stereotyping that "Jewish and Asian men are good providers and loyal husbands" can make them very attractive to women from cultures that gives outmost value to family life.(Crohn, 1995)

• Mobility and education also increase the probability of intermarriage. Some believe that intellectually and artistically inclined class of people are more liberated in their perception about this subject. Most likely, they are the one who can easily accept and understand the situation because they had been more exposed to an intercultural environment while they were in college or university.(Prinzing,1991)

• Another commonly cited reason for intercultural relationships is the fascination between people from individualistic and collectivistic type of culture. Under the individualistic culture, autonomy, self-realization personal initiative and decision-making is the most important attribute. While the collectivistic culture on the other hand, places high value on interconnectedness of family, community and society. For example, many Americans of northern and western European descent, who were raised with individualistic cultural values, were more attracted to partners from a more collective or communal cultures. Conversely, many people from Latin America, Southern and eastern European, African-American and Asian background are more attracted to partners from an individualistic culture because of their sense of independence and freedom.(Crohn,1995)

Changing family structure has the greatest influence in the rate of intercultural relationship in our society. The increasing number of single parent families has heightened the possibility of second marriages from outside groups. Transracial adoption also made a significant impact on the societies awareness and acceptance to this type of relationship. Successive generations have also presented an increasing openness towards relationship with persons of other races or culture. Some family theorists have also associated intermarriages as an attempt to separate emotionally from dysfunctional families of origin. They believe that complicated situation within a family, can force a person to marry somebody from a different country in order to distance themselves and escape their fears. (Crohn, 1995)

Dealing with internal obstacles

In many intercultural relationships, the subject of sexual concerns generally becomes a huge taboo. Many couple often fails to recognize the conflicts within their sexual practices, concerns and expectations because of pruneness or embarrassment. The desire to obtain the forbidden fantasies frequently leads to an unexpected reaction towards their differences in sexual language.

In the case of Irene and her husband Joseph (Interview, September 11,1997), the problems in their sex life are often associated to the frequency of their sexual intercourse. Irene who was raised in a very conservative Filipino family finds the demands of her husband overwhelming and utterly uncomfortable. Joseph on the other hand, considers this normal in their relationship since his views about sex are more liberated than her wife.

In nearly all cultures, food has been the expression of every celebrated life event. It is also considered as one of the most contested cultural issues in every intercultural relationship. In fact, this subject is something that should be dealt with seriously especially when couples starts living under one roof. There are several categories that can be connected to the issue of food problems. (Romano, 1988)

• The first food issue is the problem with the type of food to eat and how it is made. This problem is usually associated with a lot of complicated religious taboos and special customs. For example, Muslim law prohibits the consumption of alcoholic beverages, pork and shellfish; Buddhist avoids beef; Catholic fast on Good Friday; Jews observe Passover. Another reason for conflict is that some partner’s are open to experimenting while others are simply tied psychologically to certain taste. Occasionally, the discomfort that one partner feel for the food of the other becomes an indignity towards each other’s cultural standards.
• The second food issue is the problem regarding the schedule of mealtime. Many intercultural couples are having a hard time adjusting their stomachs to new eating schedules. Sometimes, even the degree of formality in eating that they learned in their own families, are not so acceptable to each other’s taste.
• The third food issue is the problem with the place of dining. This conflict is usually based on the type of family that the couple had before, whether it is formal, or informal, united or fragmented, authoritarian or permissive.
• The fourth food issue is the problem with the customs and manners of eating. This problem often causes resentment because of the pressures that each partner puts to one another in order to conform. According to Romano (1988), "In some culture, it is appropriate to slurp soup or burp to indicate appreciation of the meal, while in others, such behavior would raise eye browse."(p. 37)

In nearly all cultures, the images of men and women in society have been one of the most debatable topics to talk about, especially when it deals with the division of task, responsibility and even space. In some non-western societies "the woman’s role is to serve the man including doing hard physical labor, deferring to his judgement and socially subordinating herself in such ways as walking behind and eating after he has eaten"(Romano, 1988, p.43). When two people from different cultures marry, their views on male and female roles may become an issue, because it is usually tied up with the ideas associated with the meaning of marriage and intimacy. The need for companionship, mutual support and respect for one another are also fundamental issues of conflict, considering that lack of these factors may result to misunderstanding and a feeling of betrayal when each other’s expectations are not met. According to Romano (1988), the issue of gender roles are more augmented with the following situations in the relationship. The first situation happens when the societies the couple comes from are culturally far. The second situation is when one or both of the partner clings on to their own cultural interpretation of gender role. The third situation is when the man comes from a more male-dominant culture and the woman from a more egalitarian one. Fourth is when the couple lives in a country with stricter male-female role description.

The expression of one’s thoughts and feeling in the most subtle and romantic way can be the best form of communication to a love one. But what if the message doesn’t go through because of the distorted accent or the wrong usage of words? Well, this situation is very common to intercultural couples with different linguistics and cultural background. According to Romano (1988), there are three major components that can cause problems for couples that have different linguistic flatforms.

• Verbal communication refers to the way we transmit and speak the meaning of what we say. Words can be the most dangerous communicator especially if two people do not possess the same mother tongue. Different rules in speaking apply in different cultures because of the way words are being interpreted as either harmless or wounding. Occasionally, the balance of power in an intercultural relationship often rests in hands of the fluent partner. Superior linguistic facility, speed and vocabulary become the upper-hand that the fluent partner use in gaining power in manipulating the conversation and setting the style of conversing in the relationship.
• A nonverbal aspect of communication refers to the visible expressions of the messages "gestures" that often convey information, which is crucial for comprehension. In all culture, gestures have its own distinctive meaning whether it is loud, harsh, silent or evasive. This condition can only be learned through trial and error and gradual exposure.
• Styles of conversing refer to the manner that people carry their conversation. This demonstrates the pattern of how people behaves and relates to other’s and can only be determined through the styles that is significant in their social group. In some cultures, for example, direct communication is important instead of using irony and figures of speech.

"Similar social background is an important ingredient in any marriage, whether intercultural or not" (Romano, 1988, p.76). In some cultures, class and educational attainment are more important than race in determining family and social reactions to intermarriage. Wealth and sometimes lack of it can efface the social recognition and acceptance of the relationship in many social groups. To varying degree, money is also the factor that will determine which one will be the first to marry out and certainly those without it will have to settle for outside connections to find a partner.

Dealing with external obstacles

Parents and close families are usually the first to be involved whenever a family member chooses to date someone outside their cultural fences. According to Crohn (1995), the cultural history of a family can be a contributing factor in the parent’s response to mixed relationships. For example, the painful experiences of parents from war and oppression can evoke fear and mistrust to outsiders. In some cases, recent immigrants or refugee parents feels threatened by foreign in-laws because of the fear of loosing the solidarity of their cultural and religious traditions. Part of the difficulty also results from a combination of two or more factors such as prejudice, class difference, religious belief and genuine, unbiased concern.

In the case of Ben (Interview, September17, 1997), his father was not the least bit enthusiastic with intercultural dating, even though their family is a product of a cross-cultural marriage. The fact that his father was not aware of his affair with a Caucasian woman helps in reducing the negative response in his relationship.

Religion is a universal issue that is very important in determining the stability of a relationship. Different religious beliefs can be a cause of conflicts since it promotes different philosophies in one’s life. The need to preserve one’s faith often creates a barrier between couples especially when the choice for the children’s religion enters the background. For example, "Some religions deny the validity of all others and insist on conversion or demand that the children be brought up in that religion"(Romano, 1988, p.79). Judaism, for instance, teaches that the family must disclaim a child who marries a non-Jew; Islam demands obedience to God’s law only as revealed by Mohammed. Occasionally, it is very difficult to determine where religion ends and culture values begin.

In the case of Ben (Interview, September 17,1997), growing up to parents with different religious backgrounds gave him a very confusing religious identity. In a way, it was an advantage for him because he was able to understand the meaning of two totally different religions.

Values are something taught in the home and are unconsciously reinforced by society. Couples from different cultural background often have quite different way of perceiving their needs and values in life. These differences in perception often result to staggering obstacles especially if the behavior towards this conflict is unconsciously based on values and cultural assumption on how life should be. In most Asian cultures, for example, caring for aging parents is a very important family tradition, and most likely will create tensions within a bicultural relationship.

Tradition on the other hand, is the way of living. It is the flexible framework for celebrations and activities. In some intercultural relationship, one or both partner may expect to continue the traditions they grew up with, when forming their families. Activities such as spending the Sunday afternoon with parents or celebrating holidays with the in-laws can be very difficult for a partner who feels forced to conform to the other. Although some tensions can be worked out after the wedding, many issues are needed to be resolved prior to the marriage.

The color issue is still a reality, especially when it comes to intercultural relationships. Racism for a fact, is a disease of the heart. It is a deliberate attempt to justify one’s racial superiority by assigning inferior qualities to other groups. "It cannot be eliminated by education or laws because the are no laws written for the heart" (Crohn, 1995, p.129). The case filed by Richard Loving, a white man and his wife Mildred Jeter, a Negro woman against the state of Virginia in 1967 is an example of widely publicized battle in the U.S judiciary against racism in marriage. This case presented a constitutional question whether "the statutory scheme adopted the State of Virginia to prevent marriages between persons solely on the basis of racial classification violates the equal protection and due process clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment" (Loving V. Virginia, 1967, p.1).

Some negative reactions to a relationship are also results of prejudices. These reactions are mostly based on myths, stereotypes and traditions that promote pride on one’s race or heritage. For example, violating a basic social taboo like dating a widely scapegoated minority group often results to disapproval and repudiation. While on the perspective side of the scapegoated group, those who marry from the more powerful and oppressing side commits the ultimate sin of disloyalty.

The right recipe for a successful intercultural relationship is one of the most difficult things to find. But for every intercultural couple, the process of achieving a successful romance depends on the following: (Romano, 1988)

• Submission of one partner to the culture of another is one of the best ways to neutralize cultural conflicts. Most of the time, it is the woman who submits to the husband’s culture because in traditional society the responsibility of the relationship rest’s upon the hands of the woman.
• Compromise is the kind of arrangement where each partner gives up certain aspects of their culture such as habits or beliefs in order to make room for changes in the relationship. This will promote a sense of fairness, flexibility and openness that is very essential to the success of the relationship.
• Obliteration is another way to manage cultural differences by eliminating and denying each other’s culture in the relationship. Through total obliteration, an intercultural couple will be able to eliminate the root of all the major conflicts in the relationship such as language, lifestyle, custom and even beliefs and values.
• Consensus is an agreement that allows a win-win situation in relationship. This type of arrangement does not require each of the partners to sacrifice things that are essential to their well being. Through strong and secure sense of self-identity, they will be able to accept each other’s diversities without being threatened or betrayed.

Mixed relationships have shaped our views to be more open and liberated to the changes in our society. It also gave us the awareness to different problems that we almost didn’t care about. And though, we try so much to conceal our own biases, our perception towards the preservation our own race or culture will be just a thing of the past. All tensions we had witnessed due to our cultural diversities opened our eyes to reality that our wounds will not heal by it self. Indeed, intercultural differences do more than just raise our eye browse but also drives us to find answers to our numerous questions.

Even as a child, I have always been fascinated by foreigners. Their physical appearance and the way they carry themselves had amazed me enormously. I have always wanted to adapt their cultures and their way of living. Somehow, I had never expected that being a member of a minority group in Canada could be a burden towards achieving my true sense of identity. I also found out that it is very hard to blend within a society if you don’t give up something significant from your own culture. In some manner, I have expected that dating somebody different from my culture could help ease my way towards achieving the acceptance of what they refer to as the "Canadian way". So far, I learned everything I need to know about cultural conflicts in a very hard way and believe me; it was not fun at all.

In my research, I had discovered more than just the explanation on the controversial issues but also the true essence of overcoming the challenges for the sake of love. It made me aware of the different conflicts behind relationships so different, that it escalates negative reactions from families, peers and even the society itself. Moreover, being able to uncover the motives behind intercultural dating made me reflect on the reasons I had, while I was going out with my foreign boyfriend. Somehow, the similarities of my findings to my own relationship were so remarkable. Although it was a bit too late, the knowledge I had gained can help me broaden my understanding towards other people’s relationships and problems. In addition, I could also use this research as a basis for my advice to friends who are getting into an inter-relationship or apparently having problems with it.

In conclusion, intercultural differences truly makes relationship controversial and challenging. The only thing that we have to consider is the fact that achieving success in this type relationship requires more than just courage but also patience towards gradual changes and enormous problems. It is also essential to have good intentions, sensitivity and commitment to the relationship in order minimize the conflicts and misunderstanding. No matter what society dictates about the norms to be followed, we should always know where to draw the line between culture and love itself. Unless we release ourselves from any hatred or self-glorification, the struggle for a unified race and culture is far from over. We must always remember that in order to be to be understood by other’s, we must learn to understand in return. And that whatever decision we make right now will create a ripple that will be carried on throughout the generations to come.

• Barbara, Agustin, Marriage across frontiers, Multilingual Matters Ltd., Philadelphia, PA, 1989

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• Muller, Bruce, Student, 88 Corporate Dr. Scarborough, Conversation with Elsie Cuevas, DeVry CIS Researcher, Scarborough, Ontario, Sept 19, 1997

• Petras, Richard, Driver, 91 Brantwood Dr. Scarborough, Conversation with Elsie Cuevas, DeVry CIS Researcher, Scarborough, Ontario, September 11, 1997

• Prinzing, Fred and Anita, Mixed Messages: Responding to inter-racial marriage, Moody Press, Chicago, 1991

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• Romano, Dugan, Inter-cultural marriages: Promises and Pitfalls, Intercultural Press, Yarmouth, ME, 1988

• Sahib, Ben, Student, DeVry Institute of Technology, Conversation with Elsie Cuevas, DeVry CIS Researcher, Scarborough, Ontario, September 17, 1997

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• Stokes, F. (1996). Inter-racial relationships increasingly accepted (Online). Available at: http://146.226.2.224/journalism/uvision/v2i6/racial.html (July 30, 1997)

• Toth, Irene, Factory worker, 91 Brantwood Dr. Scarborough, Conversation with Elsie Cuevas, DeVry CIS Researcher, Scarborough, Ontario, September 11, 1997