You were my lesson I had to learn.

The title should say it all...atleast it does for me. I heard that phrase in a song about a week ago and it stuck with me. He was a lesson I had to learn. I have been able to put most of our relationship behind me, yet at times I do find myself wishing we still talked, or wondering what it would be like if I stayed with him. Freedom comes when you learn to let go. Two days ago, I suddenly understood our relationship. I could only qualify it as this fucked up, crazy, wild, frenzy. Out of control. I was not myself, he was not himself. We got caught up in it and kept spinning. It was so fantastic, so unpredictable, but it was one that was fated to end. You were my lesson I had to learn.

Your heart is not open, so I must go,
The sky has been broken, I loved you so.
Freedom comes when you learn to let go,
Creation comes when you learn to say no.
You were my lesson I had to learn,
I was your fortress you had to burn.
Fate is a warning that something is wrong,
I pray to god that it wont be long.
There's nothing left to try,
There's no place to hide.
There's nothing left to lose,
There's no more heart to bruise.
There's no greater power than the power of goodbye.
I yearn to say goodbye.

I heard the song on the radio late Friday night, and all of a sudden everything made sense. Don't ask me why. Anyways, just a nice, little self-revelation on my part. At least it makes the whole thing easier to accept and understand.

Even though I have been able to put most of it behind me, I just don't have the energy anymore to go through the whole process of a new relationship. The awkwardness, uncertainty. It takes so much time and energy...and although this is a horrible way of looking at it, I still have the feeling that whatever relationship I will enter in, I know it will just end in time. So what's the point? Do I really want to endure the pain and confusion I have in the past? I have two guys calling now, but I keep putting them off. I'll make up a plausible excuse, and I will keep them at a distance just in case I change my mind. But it has been a couple of months so far, and I have yet the inclination to date. Ok, enough of this bullshit. Writing can only help so much.

Lately, I've been having this urge to do wild things. I know it sounds so lame, but usually I will do the regular bars and clubs. But now, I have this urge to go on random road trips, to go to raves, after hour parties, to get loaded beyond belief. It's almost if I regressed back to 14 years old, and I'm trying to find out just what image I want to try on for today. Maybe you never find out, or maybe we just have so many personalities, we just aren't allowed to express them as we grow older. Unfortunatly, because I need to work to pay off tuition, I havn't been able to go crazy. I feel like a peanut butter and jam sandwich.