by
Ola Ann Gwennita Bilbrey Reynolds
Gwen Bilbrey Reynolds
Saturday, July 22, 2006, 3:04 pm
Today begins a very difficult journey in my life..... I begin to put my tragic childhood on paper.
As a young child I remember my Father being drunk all the time. He was gone a lot, but when he was there, he was very abusive physically and mentally to all of us children, Billy, myself (Gwen), Sonja, Sherin, Royce and Debbie. We were very poor people, but I was proud. We moved around a lot, so I was unable to form friendships with anyone, I always felt alone and abandoned.
I remember one time I was taking a bath and daddy walked in, I wanted to show him how long I could hold my breath under and sunk beneath the water only to feel his hands on my chest. He tried to hold me under. I struggled free, grabbed my skirt and held it in front of me and ran outside, I was promptly laughed at by the neighborhood kids because I held the skirt with the waist opened on my middle part for the whole neighborhood to see.
Another time Daddy sent us girls to bed (we all slept on a double sized bed together), and as kids often do, we laughed and talked about silly stuff. The next thing I knew, my dad had crawled into the room on his hands and knees, once he got to the bed, he jumped up and began swinging a belt. He didn?t care what part of the belt hit us, and when he accidently dropped the belt, he finished off by hitting us with his fists. The next morning when I woke up, my eyes were almost swollen shut and I had blood all over my body and in my hair. Daddy had already gone to work (or wherever it was he went). He told my Mother to tell me I could stay home because I was special. I knew it was because he would get into trouble if anyone found out what he had done. If my Mother tried to stand up to him, he would beat her too. We knew better than to tell anyone what was going on because we would get beaten up, again. I thought this was normal for every family. I can remember my brother Billy and I talking about how we would kill my daddy if he came around, I guess it?s a good thing he never did, what would we really have done?
One night when I was about 5 or 6 my sisters and I went into the bathroom to take a shower, we woke up on the porch, naked. We had passed out because the gas fumes from the hot-water bottle had leaked. From what I was told later in life, we were lucky to have lived, no one knew how long we had breathed the gas because everyone was still sleeping. On hot Texas nights we often took cold showers. We would also pull our mattresses outside and sleep in the cool night air.
One summer I was sent to stay with my Aunt and Uncle in New Mexico to help them with their son while they worked. While there I was made to fondle my uncle. I knew no one would believe me, so I kept my mouth shut about this until I began writing this. I tried to forget it and had been successful until now. At the end of the summer, my Aunt brought me back home to a empty house, no one was there. Talk about a sick feeling! My Grandpa knew where my Mother and siblings were, so we went there, she had packed up what she could and left my dad. I was over joyed! Life was very hard, Mother had to work all the time and us kids were left to take care of ourselves. This life was so much better that the life with my dad. He tried to get her to come back for a very long time. We spent a lot of time moving from one small run down house to another.
My Mother met a man at a bar where she worked and they fell in love. I?m not sure my Mother even knew what love was at this point in time. He had never been married and it surprised us all when he asked her to marry him, after all she had 5 children who were basically wild. He had 3 brothers who came to visit from time to time. One night I woke up to find one of them by my bed, he had his hands under the sheets fondling me while he masturbated with his other hand, would this abuse ever end? The other brother wanted me to marry him.
Once they were married, he and Mother left us with my widowed Grandfather while they went looking for a job, they took my sister Debbie with them because she was too small to leave. The story I was told was my Aunt who was my Mother?s sister took us to Child Welfare and told them that Mother had abandoned us and Grandpa couldn?t take care of us. We were placed in foster homes separately for what seemed like years, but was probably only 6 months or so. In the home where I was, I did all the cleaning and was sexually abused by their natural son. I did tell the foster parents what had happened and they said I lied and was locked in the garage for a week. I was only allowed to come out to go to school and clean. I had a bucket to use the bathroom in.
One day Child Welfare came and took us to the Airport in Amarillo Texas and we were put on the plane for a ride to Turley Oklahoma to the Turley Children?s Home. Royce and Billy were put in a cottage at the top of a hill and Sherin, Sonja and myself were put in Blue Haven Cottage. I walked into Blue Haven and was amazed at the size of it, the cleanliness and the abundance of food! I loved it right away, but that love turned to fear very quickly!
About a week after our arrival, my house parent, Mrs. Wilson, said that I had to wear these shoes called saddle oxfords, that were too narrow for me, I hardly ever wore shoes and my feet were ?very? wide and I was flat footed. She said that the shoes would make my feet narrow. Later in life when I was around 24, I had to have surgery for bunions on both feet because the doctor said I had worn shoes that were too tight for me, I still have what he called a tailers bunion on my right foot. I couldn?t afford the surgery for that.
We were told who we could talk to, what we could say and what to do. As children who were left to fend for ourselves, this was very hard for us, especially my sister Sonja who had always been a bit rebellious. My youngest sister and I were the kind who usually stayed in the background, not wanting to bring attention to ourselves. If no one knew we were there, they would leave us alone........ We were not allowed to talk to our brothers.
Our nightmare had only begun or shall I say continued...... We were mentally and physically abused, we were sexually harassed by our house parent. I guess you could say we were brain washed. We were afraid to do or say anything. We weren?t allowed to show affection of any kind to towards each other or anyone else. When we went to school we had to ride this big school bus, which only brought more attention to us. I remember them talking about trying to start a school on the grounds so we would not go to public schools. We would basically be cut off from the world.
While there, my sister?s (Sonja) appendix burst and she was taken to this really old house and they were removed. I remember going to the house, but wasn?t allowed to see her, I was going to walk out onto the little balcony upstairs and was told not to go out there because it was old and rotten and would fall through if weight was put on it.
We knew that if we were called into their room and Mrs. Wilson wasn?t there, we could count on being fondled, fondling was all I ever got, but I heard stories of other things going on, he took it as far as he could, considering his age. I knew from the past to just keep my mouth shut. When it was my time to do laundry I was so scared to go in the laundry room alone because he would get me between the washer and dryer so I couldn?t get away from him.
As I?m writing this it?s very hard for me to see the keys of my computer for the tears.
We had to go to every Sunday (twice, morning and evening) and Wednesday evenings to watch the hypocrites (even as a child that young I felt like a hypocrite) who professed to be Christians, they had to know what was going on. One Sunday, after church a elder went around to the back of the church and I followed him, he took out his ?hearing aide? and turned up the basketball game he was listening to. I know I?m probably babbling on, not making sense, but this is very hard for me.
The summer before I turned 18, I got to go home for a visit and refused to go back. My Mother was so pleased to hear me say that. She didn?t know where we were for a long time and was told that we had a wonderful life, our school would be paid for, we could go to college free and we never had to worry about food.
Our house parents told us that my parents didn?t love us or care about us and would never come for us. I remember some restaurant or school gave us empty orange cartons and we had to sit and put a little water in each container, shake it up and put it in a pitcher so we could have orange juice.
One summer someone gave us some black walnuts and they put them in the flower bed that ran the width of our house, we had to go out and hull the nuts everyday after school until they were all done, if I remember right it took almost a month. My fingers were black for along time.
We had a really old big bull named Elvis and we would get on his back and ride him, he always took us to the pond and dumped us in. I remember having to slop the pigs, they were so mean, they would chase you until you dropped the buckets, then we were put on restriction because we were too stupid to know better. If we didn?t do things their way, we were going to burn in hell for all eternity!
I remember one Sunday my house parent, Mrs. Wilson, told me that my Grandparents who were very faithful Christians (Nazarene) were going to hell because they didn?t belong to the Church of Christ. I think at that moment I had a nervous breakdown because all I remember was sliding down the wall and waking up in bed the next day. I was made to read the Bible every morning so I wouldn?t go to hell like my parents and grandparents.
I remember on Saturday nights we made fudge and popcorn and watched Saturday night at the movies, but we never got to watch the end of the movie because we had to go to bed early so we could get up and go to church on Sunday. There were some happy times there, but very few! I made some friends there, but after I left, I lost contact with them. Recently one of the girls (Sarah) who was in Blue Haven contacted me, which brought on my reliving my childhood. I?m hoping it will start my healing. I would love to contact some of the others who lived there to see how they are doing, what?s become of them..... I?ve been talking to a couple of them through Sarah and found out that they experienced the same as I.
My brother gave them so many problems he was sent away, and to this day I don?t know where he went. He disappeared until about 4 years ago. He was a alcoholic and drug addict, just like my dad. He died this year of complications of a beating he took while drunk. His only son died in September 2000 because of complications of alcohol and drugs and a medical condition he had.
My Brother Royce disappeared, for many years, we found him when my Brother Billy got so sick, he has once again disappeared.
My sister Sonja, got into trouble while at the home, attempted to murder our house parent and was sent to a mental institution where they did shock treatments and gave her truth serum. She has 4 children. She was also a alcoholic, but is now a recovered alcoholic living in Hawaii with the best man she could ever meet. They are very happy.
My sister Sherin got into trouble with the law in Texas where she ran a bar and shot a man because he was beating up her husband. She is married and living in Waco Texas where she and her husband resell houses. She has three children and 4 -5 grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren.
As for myself, I didn?t know what love was, I was in and out of relationships looking for love, I have 3 children and 10 grandchildren, only 6 natural grandchildren, but who cares who fathered or mothered them, they?re ?my? grandchildren. I live in Lompoc California with the man that still makes me tingle all over, even after 15 years. I worked with developmentally disabled children and adults for 17 years until May 6, 2006 when I was terminated because I couldn?t do my job.
As I said in the beginning, this has been very hard for me, but I think the healing process begins with this. As hard as this was, I will probably add more as time goes on and I remember things.
I don?t know how I would have turned out if I hadn?t been sent to Turley Children?s home, those years were supposed to be my formative years.......
I hope by writing this down it might help someone in some way.
Ola Ann Gwennita Bilbrey Reynolds
