As we came around the building we could hear the mob behind us shouting "Le deviant". Grandpa was trailing behind out of breath and all of a sudden a policeman came out of a shop and grabbed him by his leather crotch strap. I wanted to stop and help him butt I was swept away with the crowds. My chest was pounding, my legs were weak and my BVDs were riding up as they chased us into the ocean. My last memory of my hometown was that of my grandfather being sodomized by a man in a wicker headdress.

-Pierre Le Freake Durand- Remembrance of a French Exodus

The exile of the Durands to the America's remains one of the world's most touching stories of sacred honor, the power of the human spirit and a French family of deviants' swim across the Atlantic Ocean. Upon reaching the America's the Durand family took refuge in a mental hospital in Rochester, New York. One hundred years and eight generations later the Durand family has still managed to elude the fearsome grasp of the French government and the name Durand is now synonymous with power, sophistication and small balls on an average sized schlong, thanks to the French-American wonderchild Hank "Hank" Durand.

As our story begins we find our blue-BVD'd warrior attending an elite private elementary school on a pommel horse scholarship. On the pommel horse he was unmatched combining traditional forms with modern influences like the Latin-American salsa. He was on the verge of bringing the art of pommel horsing to the public eye when he became a victim of the Great Mayonnaise Massacre of 1986. He was on a world-wide tour of all the major mayonnaise factories of the Atlantic Coast when the factory he was visiting was blown apart by the French government in an attempt to assassinate Hank and as part of the French government's long running campaign to wipe out the American mayonnaise industry. Hank was thrown into a vat of molten cum which resulted in powers of heterosexual gayness the likes of which this world has never seen. Unfortunately, these powers came at an awesome cost. Hank was left tone-deaf, color-blind and bow-legged. His pommel horse career in ruin, Hank renounced the Cosmic Lust and set off on a campaign of pure evil.

He spent the next few years of his life raping and pillaging in an ogre-like fashion. His fierce vendetta against the world that had ruined him was taken out on the inhabitants of third world nations and small European nations like the Netherlands, where the people are smaller than normal people.

Hank was on his last ounce of good Karma when he had a spiritual revelation. He was in the process of plugging his fifth man of the morning when he looked out across the prairie and witnessed one of the miracles of life, an innocent little baby llama $@^%ing its own #@!$. At that moment a feeling swept over Hank not unlike the euphoric sensation that accompanies a good titty-twister. The spirit of the Cosmic Lust filled Hank's soul like a mug of warm nog and gave him the enlightenment of the penal mal.

Hank finished up the man he was on and then immediately went out to seek his retribution. He traveled the world with a giant bag of frozen llama sperm. A modern day Johnny Appleseed, he artificially inseminated llamas everywhere and caused the llama race to multiply across the globe. He received ten units of good karma for every successful insemination and negative five units everytime he inseminated a male llama accidentally, or a member of Hanson purposely. After a year of rigorous insemination Hank had totaled up negative two thousand units of good karma, but he never gave up and in the next year he attained a whopping two thousand and one units of good karma. His soul saved, he took a vacation to the beach.

Dewey Beach that is. A huge error on the part of the spoogemeister for the French government had been staking out all the world's gay beaches in an attempt to catch him. He was enjoying a penal colada at the Lion's Den when he was abducted by a French special forces unit(and I mean unit). They tortured him for five gay moons but they could not drive out the Cosmic Lust from his body. They then proceeded to shrink his head a procedure that curiously results in death. They were halfway through the process and he was on the verge of death, when his bird-chested body disappeared from the head shrinking chamber to reappear later in the garden of the Frosted Palace to an awaiting Moanmaster X. What happened to Hank in the time between his disappearance and his reappearance is officially unknown, but this biographer is willing to bet his boner that Hank was taken to a parallel universe of seduction, to the chambers of the Cosmic Lust where he was told to seek out Moanmaster X and Brock "Gaybot" Smith and to form a band of the most immense proportions(editor's note: Bigger than Foghat, impossible). And so Hank went on to fulfill his awesome destiny as a member of the Orgasmonaut Band trinity, but this is another gay story altogether