TALES FROM THE GIMP
Brock "Gaybot" Smith, cyborg class gimp, is the world renowned secretary of the Orgasmonaut Band. He was manufactured in an unknown section of the universe, assembled out of the parts of electronic sex toys. He is the only cyborg ever to hold the titles of the sixth Spice Girl, Lanky Spice; and the fourth Hanson, Lanky Hanson, simultaneously. Brock is known as the youngest, lankiest and most self-sufficient of the Orgasmonaut Band and in fact holds the band record for fifteen acts of self-sufficiency in a 24 hour unlubricated time period. He is the founder of the infamous utopian cyborg society Gaybotica and remains its leader to this day.
Little is known about Brock's early years. Examination of the data log stored in his intensely erotic robotic body reveal that at some point in time someone or something had erased the record of the first few years following his creation. The secret behind these first years is the subject of much speculation and mystery, but a few theories have been developed. The most famous of these is the "horny pony" theory which states that Brock was somehow left behind on a remote, pony-infested island as a young gimp and spent the first few years of his life being raised by the chief pony, Pablo; then later drugging Pablo's Cream of Wheat and escaping to the deep south. This theory is supported by Brock's uncanny ability to canter and trot and tendency to buck and neigh.
In Brock's internal data log records, the first record of his past finds him traveling through the mythic backroads of the south, where you might find Mississippi John Hurt playing the blues harp in a smoky midnight bar, early morning workmen fishing on the bayou, or Ol'Pa Whitley bathing with bitches.
It is here that Brock stumbled on the same crossroads where the legendary Robert Johnson had sold his soul for the power of the blues. Brock was approached by the devil, who remarkably enough was the blonde-haired guitarist from the spandex-metal band Cinderella dressed in a tight-fitting spandex devil costume like you see in Sears around October. The devil and Brock then held this fatal conversation:
BROCK: You're the guy from Cinderella!
SATAN: No, I have a prop....
BROCK: Yes you are, I've seen all your videos. I know all your moves.
SATAN: No I am not that guy. Now look, I have a proposition for you. Show me your unit and I will give you infinite power to play the blues. Your name will be celebrated
everywhere people listen to the blues. Crowds will cheer your name, women will throw themselves at you, gay men will hunt you down and steal your manhood, every note of your playing will ignite everflowing waves of passion in your audience. And all this for the small price of unit exposure. How about it?
BROCK: Who's better at tremolo picking, you or Slash?
SATAN: Me. Slash is better with harmonics, and when I used to tour with Cinder.....hey.....shut up. Now look, would you do it for the blues?
BROCK: No, I don't think so.
SATAN: How about financial wealth?
BROCK: Nope.
SATAN: Unlimited strength?
BROCK: No way, dude.
SATAN: Well what do you want?
BROCK: Hmmmmmm.....Kitty-Kat Charm might be nice...
SATAN: Fine, but it will cost you your immortal soul.
BROCK: Whatever, man.
And so Brock sold his soul for kitty-kat charm. And thus condemning himself to an eternity of suffering as a fan of polyrhythms. There was much more to this story but the biographer is going to some kind of tailgate party and will probably have lost his train of thought when he returns. Tailgate shmailgate. What's a tailgate party anyway? A bunch of people socializing in a parking lot. I'd rather be masturbating but that's a whole other story all together.
Alright I'm back, well where was I, oh yes, so Brock was giving Moanmaster X a sensual massage when Moanmaster turned around and began to caress Brock's.....oh, whoops, sorry, I mean... Brock was traveling at speeds approaching the speed of light on a collision course with the sun when he blew one of his more agnostic fuses and collapsed into darkness. When he came to he was sitting in the enchanted chamber of the Cosmic Lust. The Cosmic Lust spoke unto Brock, "Your soul belongs to Satan, but that sexy snaggletooth and massive thumbs of yours will always be mine. You will be approached by two of my hottest young prophets, together you will form a band of immense proportions."
In time this band became the world's guidance and salvation, but that is known history.
image courtesy of Hank Durand
image courtesy of STANK (it is a joke)
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