Sex

SEX
--Author Unkown

To my dear girlfriend (wife):

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

** 54 times the sheets were clean,
** 17 times it was too late,
** 49 times you were too tired,
** 15 times you pretended to be asleep,
** 20 times it was too hot,
** 22 times you had a headache,
** 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby,
** 16 times you said you were too sore,
** 12 times it was the wrong time of the month,
** 19 times you had to get up early,
** 9 times you said you weren't in the mood,
** 7 times you were sunburned,
** 6 times you were watching the late show,
** 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo,
** 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us,
** 9 times you said your mother would hear us.

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

** 6 times you just laid there,
** 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
** 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
** 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
** 1 time I was afraid I hurt you because I felt you move.

To my dear boyfriend (husband):

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

** 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat,
** 36 times you did not come home at all,
** 21 times you didn't cum,
** 33 times you came too soon,
** 19 times you went soft before you got in,
** 38 times you worked too late,
** 10 times you got cramps in your toes,
** 29 times you had to get up early to play golf,
** 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls,
** 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper,
** 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running,
** 2 times you had a splinter in your finger,
** 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day,
** 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book,
** 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together:

** The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
** I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
** And the time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.