I Hope That I Don't Fall in Love with You 
Well I hope that I don't fall in love with you 
Cause falling in love just makes me blue, 
Well the music plays and you display your heart for me to see, 
I had a beer and now I hear you calling out for me 
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you. 

Well the room is crowded, people everywhere 
And I wonder, should I offer you a chair? 
Well if you sit down with this old clown, take that frown and break it, 
Before the evening's gone away, I think that we could make it, 
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you. 

Well the night does funny things inside a man 
These old tom-cat feelings you don't understand, 
Well I turn around to look at you, you light a cigarette, 
I wish I had the guts to bum one, but we've never met, 
And I hope that I don't fall in love with you. 

I can see that you are lonesome just like me, and it being late, 
You'd like some company, 
Well I turn around to look at you, and you look back at me, 
The guy you're with has up and split, the chair next to you's free, 
And I hope that you don't fall in love with me. 

Now it's closing time, the music's fading out 
Last call for drinks, I'll have another stout. 
Well I turn around to look at you, you're nowhere to be found, 
I search the place for your lost face, guess I'll have another round 
And I think that I just fell in love with you. 

The Ghosts of Saturday Night (After Hours at Napoleone's Pizza House) 
A cab combs the snake, 
Tryin' to rake in that last night's fare, 
And a solitary sailor 
Who spends the facts of his life like small change on strangers... 

Paws his inside peacoat pocket for a welcome twenty-five cents, 
And the last bent butt from a package of Kents, 
As he dreams of a waitress with Maxwell House eyes 
And marmalade thighs with scrambled yellow hair. 

Her rhinestone-studded moniker says, "Irene" 
As she wipes the wisps of dishwater blonde from her eyes. 

And the Texaco beacon burns on, 
The steel-belted attendant with a 'Ring and Valve Special'... 
Cryin' "Fill'er up and check that oil" 
"You know it could be a distributor and it could be a coil." 

The early mornin' final edition's on the stands, 
And that town crier’s cryin' there with nickels in his hands. 
Pigs in a blanket sixty-nine cents, 
Eggs - roll 'em over and a package of Kents, 
Adam and Eve on a log, you can sink 'em damn straight, 
Hash browns, hash browns, you know I can't be late. 

And the early dawn cracks out a carpet of diamond 
Across a cash crop car lot filled with twilight Coupe Devilles, 
Leaving the town in a-keeping 
Of the one who is sweeping 
Up the ghost of Saturday night... 

Emotional Weather Report 
late night and early morning low clouds 
with a chance of fog 
chance of showers into the afternoon 
with variable high cloudiness 
and gusty winds, gusty winds 
at times around the corner of 
Sunset and Alvarado 
things are tough all over 
when the thunder storms start 
increasing over the southeast 
and south central portions 
of my apartment, I get upset 
and a line of thunderstorms was 
developing in the early morning 
ahead of a slow moving cold front 
cold blooded 
with tornado watches issued shortly 
before noon Sunday, for the areas 
including, the western region 
of my mental health 
and the northern portion of my 
ability to deal rationally with my 
disconcerted precarious emotional 
situation, it's cold out there 
colder than a ticket taker's smile 
at the Ivar Theater, on a Saturday night 
flash flood watches covered the 
southern portion of my disposition 
there was no severe weather well 
into the afternoon, except for a lone gust of 
wind in the bedroom 
a high pressure zone, covering the eastern 
portion of a small suburban community 
with a 103 milibar high pressure zone 
and a weak pressure ridge extending from 
my eyes down to my cheeks cause since 
you left me baby 
and put the vice grips on my mental health 
well the extended outlook for an 
indefinite period of time until you 
come back to me baby is high tonight 
low tomorrow, and precipitation is 
expected 
 

Better off Without a Wife 
all my friends are married 
every Tom and Dick and Harry 
you must be strong 
to go it alone 
here's to the bachelors 
and bowery bums 
and those who feel that they're the ones 
that are better off without a wife 

I like to sleep 
until the crack of noon 
midnight howlin' at the moon 
goin' out when I wanto, comin' home when I please 
I don't have to ask permission 
if I want to go out fishing 
and I never have to ask for the keys 

never been no Valentino 
had a girl who lived in Reno 
left me for a trumpet player 
didn't get me down 
he was wanted for assault 
though he said it weren't his fault 
well the coppers rode him right 
out of town 

(chorus) 

selfish about my privacy 
as long as I can be with me 
we get along so well I can't believe 
I love to chew the fat with folks 
and listen to all your dirty jokes 
I'm so thankful for these friends 
I do receive 

(chorus) 

Tom Traubert's Blues 
Wasted and wounded, it ain't what the moon did 
I got what I paid for now 
see ya tomorrow hey Frank can I borrow 
a couple of bucks from you, to go 
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me 

I'm an innocent victim of a blinded alley 
and I'm tired of all these soldiers here 
no one speaks English and everything's broken 
and my Stacys are soaking wet 
to go waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me 

now the dogs are barking 
and the taxi cabs parking 
a lot they can do for me 
I begged you to stab me 
you tore my shirt open 
and I'm down on my knees tonight 
Old Bushmills I staggered 
you buried the dagger in 
your silhouette window light to go 
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me 

now I've lost my St. Christopher 
now that I've kissed her and the 
one armed bandit knows, and the 
maverick Chinaman, and the cold blooded signs 
and the girls down by the strip tease shows go 
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me 

no I don't want you sympathy 
the fugitives say the the streets aren't for dreaming now 
manslaughter dragnets and the ghosts that sell memories 
they want a piece of the action anyhow go 
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me 

and you can ask any sailor 
and the keys from the jailor 
and the old men in wheelchairs know 
that Matilda's the defendant, she killed about a hundred 
and she follows you wherever you may go 
waltzing Matilda, waltzing Matilda, you'll go waltzing Matilda with me 

and it's a battered old suitcase 
to a hotel someplace 
and a wound that will never heal 
no prima donna the perfume is on 
an old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey 
and goodnight to the street sweepers 
the night watchmen flame keepers 
and goodnight to Matilda too 
 

Step Right Up 
For the lyrics to "Step Right Up" send by prepaid mail 
a photo of yourself, two dead creeping charlies, 
and a self addressed stamped envelope to: 
the Tropicana Motor Hotel, Hollywood, California 
c/o young Tom Waits 

please allow 30 days for delivery 
 

Pasties & a G-string 
smellin like a brewery 
looking like a tramp 
ain't got a quarter 
got a postage stamp 
and a five o'clock shadow boxing 
all around the town 
talking with the old men 
sleeping on the ground 
Bazanti bootin 
al zootin al hoot 
and Al Cohn 
sharin this apartment 
with a telephone pole 
and it's a fish-net stockings 
spike-heel shoes, 
strip tease, prick tease 
car kease blues 
and the porno floor show 
live nude girls 
dreamy and creamy 
and brunette curls 
chesty Morgan, and a 
Watermelon Rose 
raise my rent and take off 
all your clothes 
with the trench coats 
magazines bottle full of rum 
she's so good, it make 
a dead man cum, with 
pasties and a g-string 
beer and a shot 
Portland threw a shot glass 
and a Buffalo squeeze 
wrinkles and cherry 
and twinky and pinky 
and Fefe live from Gay Paree 
fanfares rim shots 
backstage who cares 
all this hot burlesque for me 
(scat) 

cleavage cleavage thighs and hips 
from the nape of her neck 
to the lip stick lips 
chopped and channeled 
and lowered and louvered 
and a cheater slicks 
and baby moons 
she's a-hot and ready 
creamy and sugared 
and the band is awful and so are the tunes 
(scat) 

crawlin on her belly shakin like jelly 
and I'm getting harder than 
Chinese algebraziers and cheers 
from the compendium here 
hey sweetheart they're yellin for more 
squashin out your cigarette butts 
on the floor 
and I like Shelly 
you like Jane 
and what was the girl with the snake skins name 
it's an early-bird matinee 
come back any day, 
getcha little sompin 
that cha can't get at home 
getcha little sompin 
thatcha can't get at home 
pasties and a g-string 
beer and a shot 
Portland threw a shot  glass 
and a Buffalo squeeze 
popcorn front row 
higher than a kite 
and I'll be back tomorrow night 
and I'll be back tomorrow night 
(scat) 
 

The One That Got Away 
The jigalo's jumpin salty 
ain't no trade out on the streets 
half past the unlucky 
and the hawk's a front row street 
dressed in full orchestration 
stage door johnny's got to pay 
and send him home 
talking bout the one that got away 

could a been on easy street 
could a been a wheel 
with irons in the  fire 
and all them business deals 
but the last of the big time losers 
shouted before he drove away 
I'll be back as soon as I crack 
the one that got away 

the ambulance drivers don't give a shit 
they just want to get off work 
and the short stops and the victim 
have already gone bezerk 
and the shroud tailor measures him 
for a deep six holiday 
the stiff is froze, the case is closed 
on the one that got away 

Jim Crows directing traffic 
with them cemetary blues 
with those peculiar looking trousers 
and them old Italian shoes 
the wooden kimono was all ready 
to drop in San Fransico bay 
but now he's mumbling something 
all about the one that got away 

Costello was the champion at the St. Moritz Hotel 
and the best this side of Fairfax 
reliable sources tell 
but his reputation is at large 
and he's a Ben Frank's every day 
waiting for the one that got away 

he's got a snake skin sportshirt 
and he looks like Vincent Prince 
with a little piece of chicken 
and he's carving off a slice 
but someone tipped her off 
she'll be doing a Houdini now any day 
she shook his hustle 
the Greyhound Bus'll 
take the one that got away 

well I've lost my equilibrium 
my car keys and my pride 
tattoo parlor's warm 
and so I huddle there inside 
the grinding of the buzz saw 
whachuwanthathingtosay 
just don't misspell her name 
buddy she's the one that got away 

Jockey Full of Bourbon 
Edna Million in a drop dead suit 
Dutch pink on a downtown train 
Two dollar pistol but the gun won't shoot 
I'm in the corner in the pouring rain 
16 men on a deadman's chest 
And I've been drinking from a broken cup 
2 pairs of pants and a mohair vest 
I'm full of bourbon I can't stand up 

(Chorus:) 
Hey little bird, fly away home 
Your house is on fire, your children are alone 
Hey little bird, fly away home, 
Your house is on fire, your children are alone 

Schiffer broke a bottle on a Morgan's head 
And I've been stepping on the devil's tail 
Across the stripes of a full moon's head 
Through the bars of a Cuban jail 
Bloody fingers on a purple knife 
A flamingo drinking from a cocktail glass 
I'm on the lawn with someone else's wife 
Come admire the view from up on top of the mast 

(Chorus) 

Yellow sheets on a Hong Kong bed 
Stazybo and a Slingerland ride 
To the carnival is what she said 
A hundred dollars makes it dark inside 

(Repeat first verse and chorus) 

Innocent When You Dream 
The bats are in the belfry 
the dew is on the moor 
where are the arms that held me 
and pledged her love before 
and pledged her love before 
(Chorus:) 
It's such a sad old feeling 
the fields are soft and green 
it's memories that I'm stealing 
but you're innocent when you dream 
when you dream 
Running through the graveyard 
we laughed my friends and I 
we swore we'd be together 
until the day we died 
until the day we died 
(Repeat chorus) 
I made a golden promise 
that we would never part 
I gave my love a locket 
and then I broke her heart 
and then I broke her heart 
(Repeat chorus)