Exert from Chele's Journal   May 12, 2002                   "A friend once told me what lies beneath is the meaning to life. I didn't understand what he had meant at the time. I've been trying to understand his intellectual mind for years, but until now, I couldn't have possibly realized the truth behind his words. I've never been one to say exactly how I'm feeling, nor do I like to burden others with my innocent views on life. I was the one who stood against the wall observing the world from afar - too scared to realize that my life was passing me by, and too naive to notice that my life wasn't exactly normal. I had tried many times before to be part of the escapades of every day life, but I was nineteen years old now; nothing could have stopped what was going to happen. If I would have known then, what I know now, the shattered glass would have never been shattered."         --------------------------------------                 The sky had been dark for days; the clouds seemed to roll consistently with the hours, never shedding a ray of sunlight on to the chilled beach house. It sat at the edge of Coppa Island as far away from civilization as possible. It wasn't by accident that the house seemed to be cut off from any real life, for the occupants, three girls and three boys, wanted nothing to do with the outside world. Inside seemed just as cold as it was outside. Each person tucked away in their own rooms, waiting for the sun to rise above the darkened sky. Perhaps, the outside world reflected the inside world.                 The girls' rooms sat on one end of the hall, and the guys' at the other. This wasn't by accident just like they hadn't accidentally all became roommates. The truth being that all six had been in love with one or the other; that is until now. One relationship ended, causing chaos inside of both the hurt, and the innocent parties. Jessy had known that perhaps moving in with someone you loved wasn't necessarily the best idea, but she'd not argued her sister out of it; she'd never get it through the thick skulled nineteen year old. Only sixteen, Jessy concentrated mainly on her school work, while the others concentrated on what everyone else seemed to concentrate on: parties, and sex. It wasn't always this way; she could remember the times her best friend, Chele (the nineteen year old), was insanely in love with Taylor, but Taylor, on-the-other-hand, seemed to be interested in one thing: Chele's pants. He'd been trying his best for over a year now to get into them. He'd tried all of the lines that worked on every other girl he'd met, but those didn't seem to impress her. She'd shoved him away, teased him, then degraded him for trying it once again. Finally, Taylor gave into the thought of a relationship, and casually approached sex as he would if he were madly in love. He lied, cried, and begged; he used those sly, sweet words; bright blue puppy dog eyes; and the charm he'd learned from being in the spotlight for so long. Needless to say, it worked; Chele's pants fell just as fast as the not-so-true 'I love you' flew from Taylor's mouth. It was what Chele had always wanted.             Jessy was jealous of Chele for the simple fact that she'd found 'love'. After all, it was what every girl wanted, wasn't it? To be swept off of their feet by the one person they truly loved; to make wild, passionate love to that someone special? She'd become so jealous of what her best friend had found, that it soon came to end their relationship. That is until she'd heard Taylor's bragging session with Alex, his best friend. "Man, it was so easy. I said I love you, and her pants fell. I was amazed," Taylor splurged.                 It was so hard to believe. Over a year and a half with someone, and Taylor had absolutely no regret about using her best friend. It made her sick, so sick in fact that she picked up the cordless phone, checking to see if Alex and Taylor were still sharing not so valuable information. Jessy ran up the stairs to her best friends bedroom, where she found Chele laying on her back in the middle of the floor staring at the ceiling. Chele'd always been somewhat of a daydreamer.                 "Chele, it's for you," Jessy blurted out as she tossed the phone. Without thinking Chele lifted the receiver to her ear, and was utterly disgusted at what she heard. "Man, she's the best virgin I've had. I'm sure it wasn't easy being a 19 year old virgin, but God!! She was wild! I thought I had died and gone to heaven; I've got to find a way to get more. Should I tell her I love her again? It's my best bet. She actually believes that I truly love her; if only this girl knew my plots," Taylors voice echoed through Chele's ear.                 That was the day that Chele's life was twisted into a downhill spiral. It had seemed as though she'd sworn off love. Her life consisted of using guys until she got what she wanted out of them, just like Taylor had. But somehow, through all of the chaotic mess, Taylor and Chele had developed some type of friendship - a competitive friendship. ---------------------------------------------- Exert from Chele's Journal:  June 1, 2002                 "Perhaps there is no justification for what I am doing; it doesn't forward the pain towards Taylor. What a bastard! Love isn't a word you just throw around, and though I may use people, I will never tell someone that I love them unless I honestly do. Experience knows best, and my experience tells me that love is truly something to wait for. But until the day that I find my soul mate, the male race will suffer. I'm still not sure if what I'm doing is right; I don't care sometimes, because I still feel the wounds bleeding; I still feel the scarcity of loving someone. My heart still trembles a little when I see him waking in the morning - the way his lips are pale, yet still have the warmth of life upon them; how soft and rosy his cheeks seem to be; the soft smell of his body as he pulls himself from under the blankets; how he runs his fingers through that thick mess of hair upon his amazing head.               How does one turn to using another? Was Taylor used before? Will I ever know? These questions will never be answered, because I'm too frightened to hear the truth. Did Taylor ever have feelings for me or were they truly sexual?               I suppose my hanging on to this emotional baggage keeps me from doing what needs to be done. I need to get away; I need to stop using guys. But most of all, I need to learn to love myself once again. How will I ever find a way to love myself again?"