Letter to Whoever
To whom it may concern,
I'm not happy right now. I appear to be, but it all is but a mask. True happiness escapes me, and I can never find it. Why I feel like I do is untold. Perhaps I know that the one person has passed by me. Perhaps I feel there is no one out there. I feel like I do for a mystery. No oneknows. No one can tell. My mask is one of extreme severity and opacity, not allowing light to enter. If I play my role of sadness, all will attempt in saving me. I don't want to be saved. I want to help myself. I want to feel needed on my terms, which won't ever happen if you help. Lonliness for a time would help. But in that would come pain and hatred, which I can afford no more. I want all to like me for my decisions. I fear that that can't and won't hapen, ever. My current significant other may be replaced soon. Why, I don't really know. She says she loves me, and that is mainly the only conversing between us. She talks, in written form, and I listen without response. Nothing in common have we, nor any basic grounds on which to build a foundation. My attraction to her has all but died. I feel that physical, not emotional nor intellectual, stimulation is all that is laft. And now that I think, it pretty much is all there ever was. I have only found a few to which all factors were considered. One who was utterly magnificent in beauty, unmatched in intellect, and has slipped through my grasp twice. I had her, and I held too tight. The other was frighteningly like me. A morbid fascination with people and their thoughts was out common interest. We always had something to talk about, in both of the preceding cases. Will I ever find another to which these can be compared ? Once, just once, I wish that my life would go exactly like i dream. Dreams of endless love, romantic nights alone, life success, and just dreaming bigger dreams. I dream that once I could have and hold one of beauty and wisdom. One that conversations could be held with, and body one wants to hold. As I write, I look around me. Seeing beauty sitting five feet away, and I'm not allowed to touch. Only admire from a distance. Some look for love in all the wrong places. While they complain about problems with their lovers, and I, the near perfect model of personality, am standong in front of them. While I listen to them, I think about what would happen if....I were to....Common thoughts of grandure and passion course through my body. I think always of what it would be like to be with one of position and "popularity". What is wrong with me ?Why won't they consider me ? I'm just as good as any other. Aren't I ? Perhaps not as handsome or "fine", but who holds the standards ? Beauty id truly in the eye of the beholder. I find them quite intiguing as well as attracting, and they see me as a savage. One not even fit enough to feed. I'm lost in the valley, whichis flooded with tears and blood of my heart. They see not who I am, but what I am. They see not my emotion and thoughts, which is probably all for the best. At this point, I'm rambling. Talking without end about pointless and needless subjects. I don't know whyI'm even writing this. What the hell am I doing ? Too many questions to answer all at once. I see while i write the one who now holds my heart, but for this time only. She can't have it to keep. She isn't deserving, and still I lead her on. I can't keep this charade up much longer. I feel that if she reads this, it will all be over. Not on my decision. But as stated before, if I am to break with her, friendships will be severed. Ties that I don't necessarily want broken. Friends are as of now, plentiful and ripe for the picking, therefore I could afford to lose a few. But I don't want that. The more, the merrier, and I need merriment. I can't stand the dark much longer. I don't like keeping secrets and feelings from people. I need to remind myself of this, time and time again. I want people to know what I feel, but I don't want their sympathy. I want exactly what I would give them, advice. I'm the only one I've really met and known that wonders extensively about the thoughts of others. I want to feel what they feel, so I can better understand what they know. I feel as though no one can touch me without them hurting somehow because of me. Everyone I've known has been physically, mentally, and/or emotionally abused by me. Some of which I couldn't help. No choice is it of mine to harm others. And yet it still happens. I lead them, unknowingly, into my own version of Hell, and then they are torured in one way or another. Perhaps my lonliness and need for lonliness is the effect of this. Am i meant not to be happy ? If so, what should I be doing now ? Planning for Death to take me to the "after-life" ? I can't answer all my questions, and yet everyone else's problems are so terribly easy for me to solve. I can't help but answer a question asked of me. Why can't I answer my questions and solve my problems ? perhaps because mine are of life and are too deep for us to answer. Why should i want them answered ? All an answer does is lead to another question. Am I so lucky to have the convenienceof limitless answers to all questions ? No. So why should I even care ? Everyone has questions that no one can answer. Possibly there are no answers. Only questions that seem to answer other questions. I can't understand all that I have on my mind. All emotionsattack at one time, and I break down. I come almost to the point of tear, and i never let it out. Pain, relief, fear, doubt, anger, hatred, love, life, death, sanity, confusion, sadness, madness, insane, lust, pride, greed, selfishness, laziness, exhaustion, slflessness, darkness, light, dread, good, evil, revenge, wanting, needing, having, blind rage. They all attck one heart, one head, one soul, all at once, and nothing can be done against it. All I can do is wonderwhy it happens to me, being selfish enough not to realize that it is always happening to others. In conclusion, I wrote this letter for no particular person to read, or any real reason. If you've read this, don't try to help me. All you can do is pray I don't snap. Everyone is in the path of someone else. In the line of fire, so to speak. I leave you now with this thought, darkness is in all of us. It just takes longer to surface in some of us. LATER.
Sorrowfully,
Larry Lane
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( if you read this whole thing, you deserve a cookie )
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