I was born in the early 60's in the midwest. When I was born, the doctors told my parents, you have a healthy son. Well, that was only partially correct, I was healthy, and biologically I was a male, but that’s where it ended.

By the time I reached the age of 5 or 6 I already knew there was something different about me, but being so young, and in the mid 60's, I was very unsure what it was. All of my upbringing to that point, and on, was that of a very male role. As a result of this, I pushed back the feelings I had toward being female, in fact, I went 180 degrees opposite, if it had anything to do with female, I would head as far away as possible. This continued until I reached my teen age years.

By the time I turned 12 or 13, I could no longer resist what I new was correct. I began dressing for the first time. I was in luck, I had an older sister, so cloths were plentiful. At this age, I would dress when ever possible, however, the times were very limited, so not much dressing occurred. I can also remember at this age, that I was not very good at hiding it, in fact, one time I was even questions by my mother, about it. Well, being the young kid I was, of course, to avoid confrontation, I lied, and replied no. This was probably the biggest mistake of my life. My occasional dressing continued, and became more frequent as my age increased. While I had these feelings, I also dated a few girls, well 3, while going through school. To this day, I am not sure if I dated because I was attracted, or due to the very male pressures that where placed on me. At any rate, by the end of my senior year of high school, I found myself in trouble.

Towards the end of my senior year in high school, I found myself in trouble, it turned out that the girl I was dating, had become pregnant. Again because of the strong up bringing I had, and the upbringing of the girl I was dating, there was no choice, a wedding was to take place. I don't want this to sound as if I didn't want to marry her, I did very much so. Sure enough, only six months later, I had a son.

With a family now, My feelings had to be put aside. I began being what I believe to be a very good father. To try an be the good father, and secure work, I enlisted in the military. Just a few short years later, my second was born, this time I had a beautiful daughter. While I had put my feelings aside, they were tearing at me from the inside out. Only a few months after I was married, my wife had discovered that I liked to dress, but was willing to try and work things out. This life style continued for the next 17 years.

I now find myself with 17 years in the military, only 3 to go until retirement, and can no longer put my feelings aside. As I have known all along, I am a transsexual, and this is nothing that will just go away some day. While the decision was very emotionally draining, I knew there was no real choice as to how I will live the rest of my life. The hard part is trying to explain it to my family and friends. At this point because of the military commitment, very few people know, not because of my feelings, but rather, if the military finds out, that will be the end of my career. Like I said earlier, my wife has known about me for quite some time, but has only recently found out how strong the feelings really are. While I expect, and get little support from her for this, I can understand, she had no intentions of marring a women. As for my children, well, that is a delicate subject. They do know, however it has never really been talked about with them. I have talked more with my daughter about the subject, she understands, but still says she doesn't want to see her dad in a dress. As for my son, this is not a subject of discussion.

This now brings me to today. I have begun pushing things much more to the limit, dressing quite often, almost full time. The future is pretty much set, I will go all the way, its just a matter of waiting the last few years. As for my family and friends, I love them all, and do not want to loose any of them, however, I am sure this will not be the case.

Update 5 June 2000

I had a wonderful weekend last weekend, memorial day weekend. I went up to Philadelphia to visit a friends. This friend is the one who first took me out to see the world as Jamie, and for that I owe her. The weekend went great, I was there to help her celebrate her birthday. We didn't do anything special, just a trip out on the town for dinner and a few drinks. The big event happened after arriving home. On Monday, I received a call from my mother stating "I KNOW". While I knew the day would come that they must be told, I had not prepared for it quite yet. As to be expected they were not happy. My mother was able to talk to me, but that was just about it. I tried to explain, to no avail. They told me in no uncertain terms that they support me if I make the decision to give up this life style, otherwise they can not support this type of life. To me, that means that they do not support me, rather they support a certain type of life style. Well things are still early, and a lot can happen over time. I only hope that in time they see what I am saying. I really do not want to loose my parents, but I will also not let this influence me being happy.

Update 11 November 2000

Many months have passed since I last updated this page. The update is very late in coming, as much has changed in my life. Aside from just my normal trips out, I did spend the 4^th of July up on the mall in DC. I really enjoyed this day, I rode the metro train in with a friend, visited the museums, and watched the fire works from the lawn. This was probably one of my biggest test, I had never been out with that much of a crowd before. Also since the last update in June, most everyone one at work has found out who I am, and I use the term found out very loosely, as it is more, I told them. I have researched more on this subject, and its compatability with the military, and found out that there are really no regulations which prohibit it. To my surprise, most all at work are very supportive, I have only found a few that really don't want to know too much information. One thing that kind of surprised me was what I heard one of the young guys had said to his girl friend. After he found out about me, he was more worried what could happen to my career, rather than any type of statement saying I should not be in the military. Even though I can not dress at work, most all of the females now accept me as one of the girls, and even refer to me as she, her, or Jamie, that is something I really like. Just a couple of weeks ago, I had a day off, so I planned, and met 6 of the girls from work for lunch. The first 10 or so minutes, I was kind of the center of attention, but then, it was just as if everything was normal. In the few months since the last update, I have been seeing a therapist, and am also seeing and endocrinologist. Yes, I am on hormones, and things are starting to change. Life at home is also starting to change more. There is a lot of indecisiveness with my wife and daughter. One day the comment will be, we are leaving, the next its that they want to stay and see what we can work out. Living with this is tough, but I know its something I have brought on, and I must deal with. I have met many new friends like me, I now attend two different support groups in the DC area. Every time I go out, it seems as though I am still taking big steps forward. In fact, just last night was the first time I was ever asked for an ID. Now my ID and name still show male, so I was a bit nervous, but all turned out well, the girl just looked at it, checked the birth date, and let me in, what a relief. Well, I could go on forever, but won't, I will try and update this more often in the future.

15 February 2001

Well, I decided it was time to provide an update again. Much has happened in the recent months, but I will try to keep it short. December went well, I got to enjoy my birthday out as Jamie with some of the girls from work. This was the first birthday I have had as Jamie, and I am certain it won't be the last. I enjoyed this birthday more than any I can remember, nothing special really happened, just met some of the girls for lunch, but for the first time, I enjoyed myself. Christmas came next. My wife and kids were really good to me this year along with the rest of my family. I was surprised, my parents actually sent me money for Christmas, I was expecting nothing. My wife bought me a few things, some male, some female. This was not the first year this had happened, but it was the first time the female gifts were under the tree with the rest. I am really feeling comfortable as Jamie, and it appears others around me are also. For new years, not much happened, my daughter had a party, and well with her only being 13, you can imagine it took a little supervision. The 2^nd of January came, and it was back to work, I had enjoyed my time off at Christmas with the family, but that was now over. On the 3^rd of January, I received the shock of my life. I was called into my commanders office, and he began to read several statements to me. It seems one of the guys who knew about me decided it was time to talk. While I never acknowledge it, he was correct, he had the statements about me correct. I was then referred to mental health to under go a commander directed evaluation. While this was being done in the name of health, it was no evaluation, but rather an interrogation. Claiming they were trying to understand what was going on, they began to batter me with questions, in hopes I would admit to being a transsexual. While I am, I knew that admitting it would give me a one way ticket to the gate, I want so desperately to be able to get my retirement, I just kept my mouth shut. Staying quiet worked for the most part until they decided I need to have a physical, and have blood drawn and my hormone levels tested. Well, needless to say, they found I had small breast, and that my estrogen levels were elevated. Knowing that estrogen is a prescription drug, they instantly knew I had been seeing an off base doctor. While there is nothing wrong with seeing one, they now wanted those records. According to Air Force regulations, I must get them a summary of care from my off base doctor, but there is no time frame provided as to when I must get it. Up till now, I have been doing all I can do to stall them, but it seems that in the next few days they may finally get the summary. The only reason I have been holding it back, is to make the military doctors give the diagnosis, and not just take the easy way out and say see, an off base professional in the field has said he has Gender Identity Disorder. So while this has been a very big part of my life in the last month or so, not much has really happened, but I expect the worst is just around the corner.

I also have talked more with my mother recently. I don't want to get false hope, but for once she listened trying to understand what I am and have been going through. Both her and my father are planing to come and visit in June, and since I have so much going on, (ie wife, military, etc) I felt she needed to know all before coming to visit so there were no surprises. I assured her that I would bring nothing up, and do my best to make sure nothing was seen the weekend they were here. I also wanted her to know though, with me having been on hormones as long as I have now, she just might see something peeking through my shirt. Well, this brings us up to today, I am off work (on leave) today to go to a doctors appointment. I know that sounds crazy, the military is trying to bust me for this, and I am still going to my doctors. Well one day the military will be over, but me being a transsexual will not be, so there really is no option at this point. I will write more in the future as things happen.

25 April 2001

Been a while again since the last time I wrote. As expected, I am becoming very comfortable in the life as Jamie. I still am not able to be Jamie at work, at least not in appearance, but I am still accepted as one of the girls. Many of the female type comments have been quieted down, the military is upset enough, don't need to keep them going. They have decided that I am to meet a board for discharge in late May. I think things are going to go my way, and I will be able to stay and retire, but even if they don't, it is far from over. I will have plenty of appeals and all. I have talked with my mother some more. Things appear to be getting better, she seems to understand, still doesn't support it, but say I must be sure this is really what I want to do. As for my wife and daughter, well things have improved. In the past few weeks, I have been out with my daughter three times, and the wife twice. This is still not there favorite way for me to look, but they seem to have gotten past the initial fright. My daughter seems to be doing really good, in fact, we have a picnic planned for Saturday at a busy park, and plan to get some sun. My son is due home from college this coming weekend, I expect there will be some problems at first, but being his age, and that he has a car, I really don't expect he will even be around much. As you can see, not much to relate to you this time. Life as Jamie is settling down, and just becoming a normal life, this is what I have been hoping for. I will write more after I meet the discharge board.