The Importance of Warning Labels
by. B. Theeth
For years sociologists, anthropologists, and possibly
even scientologists have wondered by what standards to we judge a culture,
or how one can measure the intelligence of a particular society. With
that question in mind, I, Christopher Hill, non-scientist, eneducated buffoon
and all-around guy who puts forks in electrical outlets have come up with
the answer to all of these questions and less. A society is only as
intelligent as it's warning labels.
Do you know what Darwinism means? No? Then these belong
in your nose!
We live in a society where we need warning labels to
tell us that drinking bleach isn't a very good idea and toothpicks do not
belong in any of your orifices. Now when you think about it,
these messages of sound advice didn't just appear one day on the side of
your favorite (and delicious) cleaning products, somebody had to write them
there. Do you understand the societal implications of this? It
means that it's actually somebody's job out there to tell your stupid ass
not to swallow poison or for any reason use AA batteries as chewing gum.
Personally I'd be insulted except that those warning labels are only
the there because somebody obviously tried to do these things before. Somebody
out there actually believes that the fireplace is the best way to dispose
of old car batteries. Somebody thinks that fireworks belong in their
eyesockets, and somebody out there thinks that The Miraculous Power of Scrubbing
Bubbles will work just as many wonders on their skin as it does for their
bathtub. Our electric razors come with warnings to tell us not to use
their product while sleeping. Think about this, do not operate while
fucking sleeping. I had no idea that such a problem could even
exist, but apparently someone actually gave themselves a shave while they
were asleep. Now I know every red-blooded American wants to save time
for other more important activities, like sitting on our bloated asses to
watch Friends to find out that Ross is in love with Joe Bob or who the fuck
ever while Rachel says something saucy like "Don't go there girlfriend!".
So who wouldn't want to save a little time by blowdrying their hair
in the shower? Slow down there, Little Billy! There's a warning
label for that too! Let us pretend for a moment that electricity and
water are best friends. Even then, how could you possibly go about
getting your dry while in the act of showering? If you think you know
the answer to this then it's a good thing that electricity and water don't
really mix, because you're stupid enough where you should probably go electrocute
yourself on general purpose. And remember, band-aids are for external
use only! Although if you can actually get a band-aid in there somehow
to bandage up your ruptured kidney it's obvious you're not like every other
mortal: You're either that stretch guy from The Fantastic Four or you're
some kind of goddamned wizard. We even need warnings to tell us that
when we recieve our coffee from our favorite fast food vendor it's, get this,
actually going to be hot. Who do these crazy fast food hucksters
think they are trying to serve you coffee that's hotter than room temperature?
Most of us would simply assume that our hot beverages are indeed going
to be served to us hot, but because of one moron who tried to sue somebody
because they figured it would be a good idea to chug their coffee like a Mountain
Dew, it needs to be there.
And that's another thing, we must live in the only country
in the world where people can sue companies for their own stupidity. Somebody
decides that hot coffee actually goes better on your crotch rather than in
your mouth, and McDonalds has to give them ten million dollars! After
all, there was no warning label against that. How are you supposed to
know your coffee is going to be served hot? Since you're obviously too
stupid to assume so, here's my best attempt at trying to spell it out for
you:
Warning: Regardless of how hot or cold it is, pouring coffee on your
genitals is a really bad fucking idea.
While you are at it, take a look at some of these new and improved warning
labels too:
Warning: Have you ever wondered what Windex tastes like? If so,
then Drink Up! You're too dumb to be alive!
Warning: Do you know what Darwinism is? No? Then these fireworks
belong in your eyes!
Warning: Dangerous stunts you see on TV are way fucking rad!
Warning: Butcher knives can be stored safely inside your cranial cavity!
Warning: This pesticide is for use on ants only. If you swallow some
ants then swallow some of this to kill the ants, Good luck! Let me know
what happens!
If you've ever considered drinking out of a toilet, just ignore this
warning and go ahead and do it anyway.
Our
society has to suffer these morons doing their damdest to eliminate themselves
from our gene pool while at the same time reaching for that huge cash settlement,
meanwhile Darwin's Ghost is a having a good laugh at our expense.
People in The Land of the Rising Sun have more sense. They know not to melt their videogame cartridges, smash them with a hammer, pour water on them, and most importantly, feed them to a crocodile. *Ahem*
In conclusion, aim high America! You stupidity
is bound to pay off sooner or later. It's not your fault that the Greyhound
people didn't warn you that stepping in front of one of their moving buses
would result in your horrible disfugrement! Their wasn't a warning on
that gun you bought to tell you which end the bullets will come out of. And
how would you know that your nostrils are not a reliable place to store firecrackers?
It's certainly not your fault that that jar of jelly didn't tell you
not to ram it up your ass. Continue to ignore that little voice in
your head that tells you not to take a bath in Drano. All of these
companies have lots and lots of money and/or insurance, so in a way it's
like the Lottery for the extremely retarded! But most importantly of
all, continue to keep all of us rational people laughing at your stupid and
probably soon to be crippled ass.
Warning: If you get any ideas from this
page, do not sue us. Instead try and sue God for not providing you with
any common sense.
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