2. Get a female. They won't piss on your walls. They might piss 
everywhere else, but they don't "spray". 

3. Get one that's already neutered. Or, set aside some money for the vet 
and get them spayed/neutered as soon as you can. Otherwise, you might 
accidently beat it over the head with a large frying pan until it SHUTS 
THE HELL UP!!! 

4. Long haired cats are cuter, but remember, all that hair is replaced 
every 4 to 6 months, and it's got to go somewhere. Usually in your 
carpet and on your black clothes. A short-hairedcat loses their fur too, 
but it's less noticeable and they don't hoa rk up as many furballs. 

5. Vacuum-cleaner first, cat later. 

6. Get a litter box with a lid and change the litter every 5 days or so. 
That's if you use a lot of litter. I once had 3 cats, and I used 5 lbs. 
of litter every 2 day, and the house still stank of cat piss. Also, buy 
a cheap cat toy. It'll keep your guest s occupied while the cat plays 
with the newspaper. And speaking of newspaper, line the cat box with it. 
"It makes clean-ups a breeze!" 

7. When selecting a kitten, take the one that likes you the best. If 
it's afraid of you now, it'll be a scaredy cat. If one of them plays 
with your fingers without clawing you, take it right away. It'll be 
gentle with you. Remember your not choosing a pet , you're offering 
yourself up as a meal ticket to a furry, razor-edged beast. 

8. If you take your cat home and it gets sick, take it to the vet and 
ask her if it might be better to have it put down. I know one guy who 
fell in love with the runt of the litter, and even though it had 
problems shitting, and it had runny eyes, and it w as thin and weak as, 
well, a runt, he kept taking her to the vet and giving her medicine. 
He's spent over $1000 on her this year. So be sure to get a healthy cat. 

9. Remember, cats don't give a shit what you say, unless it involves 
food. If you come home and find that your cat has shredded the toilet 
paper, it's no good the yell at her now, hours after she's done. You 
have to catch her in the act. And a loud yell works better than a smack 
in the head. 

10. Never throw the cat. she just won't like you after that. 

11. If you want to teach your cat tricks, take your time and don't laugh 
at her. Cats are very sensitive. But with luck, you might be able to 
teach your cat the "Sacrifice to the Valcano Gods" trick. Or fetch. 
Actually, the best game to play is monkey in the middle, with the cat 
running between two people, trying to get a ball of paper that you toss 
back and forth. 

12. Never, Never, Never, under no circumstances, feed your cat canned 
food. It's way too expensive, it's no good for their teeth, and they 
won't want anything else (except maybe fresh fish - maybe), and they'll 
never leave you alone if you try to open a can of anything - beans, 
tomato sause, motor oil, whatever - they automatically think it's food 
for them. Actually, cat come with an instinctual knowledge of cans and 
can openers. Best to just buy fresh stuff, or bottles. 

13. Feed your cat high-quality dry food. Science diet is great. 
Remember, everything that goes in must come out, and it's your job to 
get rid of it. Buy good dry food, give her lots of fresh water, and 
you'll both be happy. Besides, it's better for her. 

14. Milk gives cats the runs. This probably should have been rule #1. 

15. Don't let her eat rubber bands. Unless you enjoy yanking half 
digested rubber out through her ass while the cat screams in pain. It's 
not pretty. 

16. Cats who are not allowed to go outside generally live about 5 years 
longer than outdoor cats. But then again, outdoor cats are generally 
more happy, so long as they can come in whenever they want. An added 
bonus is that outdoor cats shit outdoors. Bu t remember, never let an 
unspayed female cat outside. Not unless you want another 5 to 7 cats 
running around. 

Well, I'm sure there are more rules, but that's all I know. If you don't 
agree with any of them, or if you know of any more, let me know. 

Hey did you know that a cat that falls out of a 25 story window has a 
better chance of surviving than a cat that fall out of a 5 story window? 
After falling about 12 stories, the cat will spread her legs to catch 
the wind on her belly and slow her fall. (KIDS - DON'T TRY THIS AT 
HOME!) Generally, a cat can fall from 3 stories and not suffer any 
broken bones. Mind you, she won't be very playful for a long time.