GARAGE SALE:  Place an ad in the classified section of your local 
newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the 
address of your victim. Advertise televisions, cam-corder, vintage 
automobile,  antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. Come early! 

X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS:  Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. 
Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of 
the victims carry on luggage.  As it goes through the airport x-ray 
machine the  contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil 
and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials. 

LOST KEYS: Get a hold of some old useless keys (car, house, etc.). Place 
victim's name, phone number and $50.00 reward... if 
found and returned. Drop the keys in one of the less desirable 
areas of town. 

PAPER MONEY:  Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, 
victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge 
of several  pieces of paper money before spending them.  The 
victim will receive many eye popping inquiries. 

DOGS:  Purchase a silent dog whistle.  In the early hours of the 
morning (2am-4am) go near the victim's house and blow the silent 
whistle and the dog will begin to bark uncontrollably until the owner 
awakes and disciplines the animal.  When the owner goes back to 
bed repeat the process again. 

FAX MACHINES - Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 
11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end).  Dial the 
victim's fax number and start sending the pages through.  After 
page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the 
bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop.  The document will 
continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of 
paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the 
fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with 
a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. 

The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy,... 
  considering that he has no genitals. 

  When something is "New and Improved."  Which is it? 
  If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. 
  If it's an improvement, then there must have been something 
  wrong with it before. 

  People who are willing to get off their ass to search 
  the entire house for the TV remote because they refuse 
  to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 

  When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." 
  Fuck off!  What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? 
  What???  Should I eat someone else's cake instead? 

  When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." 
  Of course it is.  Why would you keep looking after you've found it? 
  Do people do this?  Who are they, and what planet did they come from? 

  When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" 
  No dicknose, I paid $8.50 to come to the theatre so I could 
  drink flat soda and eat greasy popcorn.  What did you come here for? 

  People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. 
  I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? 
  Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is? >> 

You might be a child of the 80's if... 

**You know what "Sike" means. 
**You know the profound meaning of "Wax On Wax Off". 
**You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer". 
**You can name at least half of the members of the BRAT Pack. 
**You know who Tina Yothers is. 
**You wanted to be a Goonie. 
**You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got into trouble for sex with minors and videotaping it, because you liked him. 
**You know who Max Headroom is. 
**You ever wore Flourescent, neon clothing. 
**You could breakdance, wish you could. 
**You wanted to dress like the Hulk at Halloween. 
**You believed that "By the Power of Greyskull," you HAD the POWER. 
**Partying "like it's 1999" seemed sooo far away. 
**You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye. 
**You wanted to be on StarSearch. 
**You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off. 
**You have worn a Banana Clip, or knew someone who did. 
**You owned a doll with "Xavier Roberts" signed on its butt, or knew someone who did. 
**You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout". 
**You HAD to have your MTV. 
**You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future" 
**You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name." 
**You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. 
**You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie. 
**You have heard of "Garbage Pail Kids". 
**Punks actually "shocked" people 
**You knew "The Artist", when he was humbly called "Prince". 
**You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be. 
**You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game. 
**You own any cassettes. 
**You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon. 
**You remember and/or owned any of the CareBear glass collections from 
Pizza Hut, Or any other stupid collection of glass they came out with. 
**Poltergeist freaked you out. 
**You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox. 
**You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf. 
**You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or 
know someone who did. 
**You ever had a Swatch Watch, or three. 
**You had a crush on one of the Corey's (Haim or Feldman). 
**You had a crush on Bo Derek or Heather Locklear. 
**You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny. 
**You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos!!!!  (Oh my God I did) 
**You know what a "Whammee" is. 
**You had a crush on Jon BonJovi, or knew someone who did. 
**You thought eating Reeses Peices would attract your own Alien. 
**Your name is Jennifer or Jason. 
**You have ever called 867-5309. 
**You had a poster of Rob Lowe, Kirk Camron, or Michael J. Fox on your wall. 
**You held the top score on PacMan. 
**You had MALL Hair. 
**You owned a T-Shirt that said, "I shot J.R." or know someone who did. 

IF you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend 
are a child of the 80's. Send this to anyone that would appreciate going 
"Back to the Future". To a time when movie stars ran the free world. 

one Liners . . . . 

   What's the definition of mixed emotions? 
    When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new  car.. 

   What's the height of conceit? 
    Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.. 

   What's the definition of macho? 
    Jogging home from your own vasectomy.. 

    What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag? 
    One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play 
with,  the other is used to carry groceries.. 

   Why don't blind people like to sky dive? 
   Because it scares the hell out of the dog.. 

  How do you double the value of a Yugo? 
          You fill it with gas.. 

    What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common? 
    Neither of them can stop a Bronco.. 

    Have you heard George Michael's new song? 
          It's called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go.. 

   I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double - 
   The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.. 

    What is forty foot long and has eight teeth? > 
          The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.. 

   What's the difference between a lawyer and God? 
    God doesn't think he's a lawyer.. 

    What's the weather like in Tahoe? 
    Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.. 

    Why is divorce so expensive? 
    Because it's worth it. 
  
  

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award, named after GM's 
            fiasco in trying to market their car in Central and South America. 
            Unfortunately,"no va" in Spanish means "it doesn't go." 

            The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" 
            prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their 
            attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" 

            Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as 
            "Suffer From Diarrhea." 

            Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an 
            American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." 

            Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find 
            out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the 
            "Manure Stick." 

            When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same 
            packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they 
            learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of 
            what's inside, since many people can't read. 

            Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a 
            notorious porno magazine. 

            An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market 
            which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa),the 
            shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa). 

            Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi 
            Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese. 

            The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning 
            "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the 
            dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic 
            equivalent "kokou kole," translating into "happiness in the mouth." 

            Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender 
            chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make 
            a chicken affectionate." 

            When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were 
            supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass 
            you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) 
            meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make 
            you pregnant!" 

            When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats 
            in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, 
            which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish. 
  
  
  

Children's Books You'll Never See 
------------------------------------ 
  "You Were an Accident" 

  "Strangers Have the Best Candy" 

  "The Little Sissy Who Snitched" 

  "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" 

  "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" 

  "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" 

  "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild 
  Animals of North Amer- Hey!  Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" 

  "All Dogs Go To Hell" 

  "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" 

  "You Are Different and That's Bad" 
  
  "Dad's New Wife Timothy" 

  "Pop!  Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games" 

  "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets" 

  "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad" 

  "Babar Meets the Taxidermist" 

  "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence" 

  "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables" 

  "Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse" 

  "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy" 

  "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will" 

  "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead" 
  
  "How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary 
  School" 

  "Controlling the Playground:  Respect through Fear" 

  "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It" 

  "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" 

  "What Is That Dog Doing To That Other Dog?" 
  
  "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? 

  "Bi-Curious George" 

  "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"