Eric: What?
Red: I'm starting to notice something about you. You're still here!
Kitty: What your father means is, you haven't seemed like yourself since you called off the wedding.
Red: No, what I mean is, get out.
Eric: Well, I'm sorry, it's only been a week, it was kind of traumatic, you know? Last night, I only slept, like, nine hours.
Kitty: Honey, we just, we want to know what your plans are. I would have waited until next week to ask you, but apparently, some people agree to things, and then just do whatever they want!
Red: I've got some questions, I want answers! What are you doing about moving out?
Eric: I don't know.
Red: About Donna?
Eric: I don't know.
Red: Your job?
Eric: I don't know.
Red: Your future?
Eric: Okay, I am going to go ahead and hit you with an.. I don't know.
Red: Then, no food for you.
Eric: What?
Kitty: Red, he's so skinny, just take away his car.
Red: No! I'm trying to teach the boy responsibility. I want a plan out of you by tonight, or no dinner either.
Eric: Dad! That's no- wait, Mom, what's for dinner?
Kitty: Fried chicken.
Eric: Oh, come on!

Hyde walks into the kitchen.

Red: Steven? When are you moving out?
Hyde: Soon.
Red: How's your girlfriend?
Hyde: Shallow as hell.
Red: Job?
Hyde: Dead end.
Red: Future?
Hyde: Bleak.
Red: Kitty, feed the boy.

OPENING CREDITS

Jackie is helping Donna dye her hair.

Jackie: Donna, your hair is going to look so fabulous.
Donna: It's weird, I actually feel different.
Jackie: Well, now that you're not getting married, you have to re-energize yourself spiritually and making superficial changes is the best way to do that.
Eric: Hello.
Jackie: Blech! Oh come on, a sweater vest?
Donna: Jackie, if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all.
Jackie: Well, if I followed that rule, I'd never speak again!
Eric: Yeah, that's kind of the idea.
Jackie: Fine, fine. I'm going. You look like a circus poodle.
Eric: Hey, so, uh, look, I think we need to talk about us, uh, since the matrimonial incident, uh, I mean we've seen each other, but we haven't really talked about anything.
Donna: Yeah, but it's been nice, right? I mean, I'm sick of talking about us. And I'm not mad because you were right, I mean, we were about to make a huge mistake. I mean, I can't live in a trailer with you! I'd hear you going to the bathroom.
Eric: Yes, I had thought about that. I was only going to go in a bottle after you were asleep, so.
Donna: See, remember when our relationship was the most fun thing in our lives? And then we put all this pressure on it. I wish we could just, you know, hang out without all that stuff.
Eric: Holy mother of God.
Donna: Do you like it?
Eric: Are you kidding? Yes. It's good, I think it's like a sign that you're loosening up. Like maybe now you might like that thing I try in bed that makes you mad.
Donna: I won't.
Eric: Ah, I'll still try.
Donna: See, this is great. Your perviness is our biggest problem now.
Eric: Just like the old days!
Donna: Yes. Exactly. See, we should just hang out. You know, get back in touch with ourselves.
Eric: That sounds dirty. Is it dirty?
Donna: No. I'm serious. I have a plan.
Eric: You have a plan? Perfect! I need a plan. What's your plan?
Donna: I'm going to DJ at the radio station full time, and rededicate myself to feminism.
Eric: At the radio station? Is that what- are you going to play more Heart?
Donna: And other stuff. Maybe some Benatar.
Eric: Wow.
Donna: Whatever. I'm blonde now. I can do what I want.

Eric goes back home after visiting Donna.

Eric: Hello.
Red: Oh, what are you doing with that sandwich? I thought that we established that you needed a plan.
Eric: Oh, I've got a plan. Donna is going to work full time at the radio station, and rededicate herself to feminism.
Kitty: Feminists. Equal pay is fine, but put a little lipstick on.
Eric: Whatever. Anyway, that's the plan, we came up with it this morning.
Red: That's Donna's plan. What's your plan?
Eric: My plan is to support Donna's plan. Thought you had me there, didn't you?
Red: Get out.
Eric: Fine. But know this. I will have my fried chicken.
Red: How come you're making so many sandwiches? Bulking up for the winter? Whoa, no, no, I didn't mean it like that. No, see it's like you're the mama bear, and I'm the papa bear, we're bears! Fine, we're not bears. I'm
sorry.
Kitty: I made so many sandwiches, not because I am a fat, pre-hibernation bear, but because Bob is coming over for lunch and since he is still dating Pam and Midge like some kind of gigolo, I didn't know how much food I would need.

Bob comes in with Midge.

Bob: Hey everyone, I think you know my date and former wife, Midge.
Midge: Bob, they know me. It's me, Midge!
Kitty: So, does this mean you two are back together?
Bob: Well, we've been talking things over, and we're pretty close to working things out.
Pam: What is going on here?
Bob: Pam!
Midge: Back off! He's mine!
Pam: That is not what you said to me, in bed last night.
Midge: Well, you should have heard what he said to me last night in the hot tub.
Pam: You told me that you got up to get an ice cream cone.
Bob: I don't know why you're upset, I wasn't gone that long.

Eric and Donna are watching TV.

Kelso: All right! Eric traded in Donna for a hot blond! Oh crap! She looks exactly like Donna!
Hyde: That is Donna, you ding-dong! Only now she lets Forman do that thing he's been trying.
Fez: Your hair is beautiful, I want to touch it. Hey, I can do this all day!
Donna: OK, fine.
Fez: Eh.
Donna: Whatever. When I was a redhead at the bakery, they'd give me a free donut, but as a blond, apple fritter. That's why I want to stay blond for a while. Now I'm going to go to the bakery.
Hyde: You're a lucky man, Forman. Not only is Donna not mad, but as a bonus, she's fixed herself up all whorey.
Eric: And I have an announcement, Donna and I have decided we're not talking about our relationship anymore.
Fez: Hooray!
Hyde & Kelso: Bravo!
Fez: Finally, we'll have some time to talk about things I want to talk about. Number one, cocoa butter. It doesn't taste like cocoa, or butter.
Eric: It's going to be so great to be with Donna without all the talking, and the decisions, and the labels, you know, am I your fiancee, you know, am I your boyfriend-
Kelso: Hey, wait a minute. Are you and Donna boyfriend and girlfriend or not?
Eric: No, I'm saying, why put labels on it?
Kelso: Are you dating or can you see other people?
Eric: Why are you so interested?
Hyde: He's trying to figure out if he can nail Donna.
Kelso: Hyde! Let me build up to it, damn! So can I?
Eric: No.
Kelso: Thanks for nothing, Hyde.
Fez: Eric, you really got it made with Donna, no responsibilities, no plans, what a great way to live your life.
Eric: You know what? That is a great way to live your life. OK, you know what, you guys? I've figured out what I'm going to do this year.
Kelso: You're going to be the first person to put on my human firecracker suit.
Eric: No, I'm talking, wait, what is a firecracker suit?
Kelso: OK, so it's a suit that, wait, you have to agree to wear it before I tell you.
Eric: Hmmm. I'm intrigued, we'll talk more later. You guys, my dad said I had to have a plan this year, and now I have it. I'm going to take the year off.
Hyde: Isn't that what Elvis said the year before he died on the toilet?
Eric: No. You guys, seriously, look, rich kids do it right? After high school, they take a year off, go to Europe, figure out what they're going to do. I'm going to do exactly that, just go nowhere and do nothing.
Hyde: So you're going to be a bum.
Eric: In the grandest European tradition, yes!
Fez: Hey, why not? He's young, he's got a free place to live, a girl that's way too hot for him. Ride the ride, baby.
Eric: Exactly! You know, this whole marriage thing has made me think why am I in such a hurry to grow up? You know, life, is like a train. It's bearing down on you, and guess what? It's going to hit you. So you can start running when it's far off in the distance or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer, and just watch it come.
Kelso: I did that once.
Eric: No, Kelso, not a real train. A metaphorical one.
Kelso: Like a, like a ghost train?
Eric: Yes. A ghost train.

Red and Kitty are in the living room.

Kitty: You know, I tell you, Red, I don't like this situation with Bob and two women. I have put up with a lot of weird things in this neighborhood. Hot tubs, wife swapping, jogging? Now I am drawing the line. You have to make Bob choose one woman.
Red: Well, the choice is obvious. Pam.
Kitty: Red, this isn't your decision, it's his. And he has to pick Midge.
Red: But Pam is so tan.
Kitty: Well, Red, if Bob picks Midge, he will reunite a shattered family, bringing their only daughter a glimpse of happiness for the first time in her life.
Red: But Pam is so tan.

The gang is hanging out in the Forman's driveway.

Hyde: Forman, your whole year off plan, it's lazy, it's selfish, and it's going to piss a lot of people off. So nice job.
Eric: Thank you.
Hyde: What are you going to do for cash, man, I mean, you know, rich kids they have a trust fund. Alls you've got is some poorly assembled model airplanes.
Kelso: I melted those.
Eric: I guess if I have to work, it's not a year off, so maybe I can sell something. Guys, what do I have that's worth any money? Oh Donna! I can sell your engagement ring.
Fez: She's going to kill him.
Kelso: Fez? Get out of the swing zone.
Hyde: I got $10 on the girl. And I mean Donna.
Donna: Actually I have no problem with you selling it.
Eric: Donna, you are so amazing, I swear, if I created you in a laboratory, you could not say more perfect things.
Kelso: Yeah, but then she'd have those bolts coming out of her neck.
Donna: Well, the only problem is, I don't have the ring.
Eric: What?
Donna: Well, when I was mad at you for blowing off the wedding, I threw it off the water tower.
Eric: Donna, that ring is a symbol of our eternal love for each other.
Hyde: You were going to sell it to finance your year of napping and boozing.
Eric: Yeah, that's true. So, who's wrong here?
Hyde: I think there's something a little wrong with all of us.

The gang are on the water tower looking for the ring.

Eric: OK, well uh, if you threw the ring from up here, I mean, it's got to be around here somewhere.
Kelso: All right, excuse me. I am a police officer in training, so we're going to do this by the book.
Jackie: What book? You didn't read any book.
Kelso: No, but I was assigned one. Killed four bees with it. All right, what we're going to do is we're going to recreate the scene. Donna, Eric has just let you down in a big way. You're up on this tower, you've had a few beers, so you're starting to feel a little loose and very, very vulnerable.
Donna: OK, sounds about right.
Kelso: OK, do you want to make out?
Donna: Kelso, I thought you were recreating the scene!
Kelso: I'm taking the scene in a new direction!
Eric: OK, OK, let's just get to the part where she threw the ring.
Kelso: OK, so what we're going to do here is we're going to throw an M&M into the woods in place of the ring. Wherever it lands, we'll search there first.
Hyde: Fez, give him the M&M's, man.
Fez: Yeah, about that. Whose dumb idea was it to let me hold the M&M's?
Kelso: All right, instead of the candy, we will throw my keys into the woods. Oh crap, I just threw my keys into the woods!
Jackie: Sure did.
Kelso: Why didn't somebody say something?!
Hyde: So that you'd throw your keys into the woods!
Kelso: Oh, that's a good burn.
Hyde: I had very little to do with it.

Red goes to talk to Bob, who is sitting up on the roof of his house.

Red: OK, Bob, what the hell are you doing up on your roof?
Bob: Hiding from my girlfriends. This afternoon we were all talking about our favorite juices. Pam said her favorite juice was cranberry. Midge said she liked apple. To avoid trouble, I said mine was cran-apple. They viewed that as cheating, and now I'm on the roof.
Red: Kitty and I think that you should choose between Pam and Midge. And when I say Kitty and I, I mean just Kitty. And when I say choose between Pam and Midge, I mean choose Pam.
Bob: It's tough. I really love Pam, but Midge is Donna's mother, how can I turn my back on that?
Red: Look, just give me a name, I got to take something back to Kitty.
Bob: So don't go home, stay here.
Red: I'm not going to spend the day hiding on the roof like a damn pigeon.
Bob: I got beer.
Red: Well, it is peaceful up here.

The gang is still on the water tower.

Kelso: All right, did anybody find anything?
Eric: I found a pair of my sister's panties. I knew they were hers because they had her name and phone number in them.
Hyde: Girl's got to advertise.
Eric: You guys, I'm starving OK? I haven't eaten all day.
Fez: Here.
Eric: Oh, wow. Thanks, Fez. Yeah, good Cheetos.
Fez: Really? Cause I found them in the woods and they were damp. Like something peed on them.
Kelso: Awesome! Eric ate Peetos!
Jackie: OK, look, I don't want to start anything, but had you bought Donna a decent sized diamond, we would have found it by now.
Hyde: The ring was pretty small, man. Whenever I saw it, I thought Donna was really far away. She was standing right next to me.
Kelso: Yeah, when I first saw it, I said, Donna, there's dust on your ring, and then I realized that was the ring.
Fez: Guys, guys, stop. If we don't find it soon, a mosquito's going to eat it.
Donna: OK, I loved the ring. It was petite, not showy.
Eric: Thank you.
Jackie: Well, you know, Donna has a thing for miniatures.
Eric: OK, you guys, enough about the ring. Obviously, it was enough for me to pay for my year off. And according to Esquire, sweater vests are in. Whoa, Jackie, help?
Jackie: Oh! Get away! You touched Peetos!
Eric: AAAAAH!
Jackie: He touched Peetos!

Donna is patching Eric up after he fell off the water tower.

Eric: You know what? Falling off that water tower was a sign. The minute I stopped working hard, I accomplished exactly what I needed to do. I found the ring.
Jackie: And if you're going to land on a diamond, it's best to land on the smallest one ever made.
Eric: Well, I'm afraid your schoolyard insults have no power here, child. I'm a whole new me. Tougher, braver and louder! I'm going to go tell my dad what's what and get my gosh darn fried chicken.
Bob: OK, Donna, here's the situation. I have to choose between Pam and Midge and it's a very personal and intimate decision that only I can make. But it's really scary, so I'd like you to do it.
Donna: Dad! I can't choose for you.
Bob: Come on! You choose my shirts, choose my lady love.
Jackie: Mom! Where are you going?
Pam: Bob, I saw how hard you struggled to get on the roof earlier, what with the kicking and the wiggling. I realized that it was time for me to go home and give you and Midge a chance.
Bob: You're one fine lady.
Pam: Well, I'll miss you, Bob. And honey, it's scary to be on my own, but if you come with me, I know I can do it.
Jackie: Oh Mom! I would love to come home with you!
Pam: Oh good. You're the only one who can explain things to the maid.

Eric walks in to the kitchen prepared to share his plan.

Eric: OK, I'm here to earn my dinner. What am I doing about Donna? We're hanging out. What am I doing about my job? I quit. What am I doing about my future? Nothing. When am I moving out? Make me.

The gang are hanging out in the Forman's basement.