Hyde: Hey, check it out guys! It's Sargent Crossing Guard. Rough day in the crosswalk, Sarge?
Kelso: I'm not a crossing guard, Hyde. I'm a police officer in-training. Read the badge.
Eric: You mean, your paper name tag?
Kelso: No. I mean my badge. This symbolizes all the authority of the Point Place Police Department. Aw, I think it ripped.
Donna: Hey! Your first case.
Kelso: Get this. Tomorrow I get to go on a ride along in a real police car. Get to see all the crime as it happens.
Hyde: Yeah, this town is a hotbed for criminal activity.
Donna: Hey, let's not forget the great Ten Speed Robbery of '74.
Eric: Oh yeah. Or that criminal mastermind who stole my mom's garden gnome.

Jackie comes in the door.

Jackie: Guys, I have very exciting news. I'm in a mentor program for little girls, kind of like a big sister thing. And there's someone here who's very anxious to meet you. Come here. Isn't she cute? I call her "Little Jackie."
Collette: For the last freaking time, my name is Collette!
Jackie: I'm trying to like her cause she's a little mouthy.
Donna: Jackie, why would you be a Big Sister?
Jackie: Oh, it's a community service project for school. It was either this, or helping out at a senior center. And you know how gray hair gives me nightmares.
Collette: Can I leave now? There's nothing to do.
Jackie: Here. Take these pictures of me and put them in order of cuteness, from very cute to it's just not fair she's so cute.
Collette: Lame. Lamer. Lamest.
Hyde: I like her.
Eric: Yeah, me too.
Kelso: She's feisty.
Collette: Nice name tag. Are you a garbage man?
Kelso: It's a badge!!

OPENING CREDITS

Fez and Laurie are having an argument.

Laurie: Get away from me!!
Fez: I bet that's the first time you said that to a man. Don't you walk through that door. Don't you walk through that door!
Red: What the hell was that all about?
Kitty: Oh, they have been fighting like that all morning. Sometimes he even yells at her in his native language. I believe the main idea is she gets around.
Eric: Ah, to be young and trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage.
Red: Kitty, where's the coffee?
Kitty: Oh, I'm sorry. I almost forgot. Since no one fixed my sink yet, today instead of coffee, we're having pipe sludge.
Red: You know the doctor told me not to do household chores! It's either a working sink or a dead husband. It's your choice.
Kitty: Well, Red, somebody's got to do something around here! The garage needs to be painted, the lawnmower won't start, and I am getting tired of running to the hose every time I need a bourbon and water.
Red: Fine, fine, we'll let Eric do it. Maybe if I supervise him, he'll only screw up half as much.
Eric: Yeah, thanks Dad. You know what? I got it.
Red: Yeah. This from the kid who gets sweaty when he has to change out the toilet paper.
Fez: Don't you walk back into that house! Don't you walk back into the house!

Kelso is on his ride along with Officer Kennedy.

Kelso: Officer Kennedy? I want you to know that even though it's my first ride along, I'm not afraid to kill a man. I just don't want to touch him after he's dead.
Officer Kennedy: Shut it, cadet. Here, take your radio.
Kelso: Oh cool! We each get our own walkie talkies? I'd like a pepperoni pizza. Address, hauling ass down Central.
Officer Kennedy: Hey, hey, hey. If you want to play games, go join the highway patrol.
CB: Unit 10, we've got a 4-1-5 in progress.
Kelso: Cool. What's a 4-1-5?
Officer Kennedy: Why don't you look in your manual?
Kelso: A canine defecating on private property. Oh cool! It's a dog crapping on a lawn! Gun it!
Officer Kennedy: A 4-1-5 is a domestic disturbance, you chowder head.
Kelso: Oh. Damn, I always wanted to put a dog in handcuffs.

Fez and Laurie are yelling at each other on the Forman's driveway. Hyde is sitting reading a paper.

Fez: I want you out, out I say!
Laurie: It's my house!
Fez: Oh really? Because you didn't sleep here last night. Or the night before that! Or the night before that!
Hyde: To be fair, Fez, her army buddy's only got a three day pass.
Fez: Listen to me!!
Laurie: No you listen!!

Kitty comes out and starts yelling.

Kitty: Would you pipe down?! The neighbors are staring! Don't mind us! Just, just practicing for a show! Take a bow, and get in the house.

A police siren blares.

Hyde: Whoa, the 5-0! Better go hide my stash. Of comic books. And comic book paraphernalia.

Kelso gets out of the police car with a megaphone.

Kelso: What seems to be the problem here?
Officer Kennedy: Put that down!
Kelso: Put that down.
Officer Kennedy: No! Put that down!
Kelso: Put what down?
Officer Kennedy: Give it! Now. What seems to be the problem here?
Fez: I'll tell you what the problem is. I am married to a whore!
Laurie: I am not a whore! I'm just a girl who likes a good time.
Kitty: I'm sorry. I can't imagine who would have called the police.

Bob comes into the driveway.

Bob: It's about time you showed up. These two were making so much noise, I couldn't enjoy my program.
Kitty: Bob?! You really had to call the police?!
Bob: Sorry, Kitty. But how am I supposed to name that tune, if I can't even hear the notes?
Officer Kennedy: OK. Well, this kid seems to be harmless, but since you're training, why don't you frisk him anyway?
Fez: Oh sure. Frisk the foreign guy. The color of my skin is not a crime!
Kelso: Why do you have a frog in your pocket?
Fez: It is to impress the ladies.
Kelso: Aw, he peed on me. That's resisting arrest.
Fez: Well, I'm about to resist arrest too.

Eric is going to fix the sink.

Eric: Dad. That was pretty cool how I shut off all the water in the house, huh?
Red: Yeah, you really instill a lot of confidence, muttering lefty loosey, righty tighty the whole time. OK, let's get started. Now, this is a wrench.
Eric: Dad, I think I know what tools are.
Red: Good. Then grab the Phillips head.
Eric: I, shouldn't I buy Philip a drink first? Come on! We're just a couple of guys having fun on the job! Lighten up! Get a little, lefty loosey.
Red: Do you even know what a Phillips head screwdriver is?
Eric: I know it's a screwdriver, now.
Kitty: The water's off. Why is the water off?
Red: We're going to fix the pipes.
Kitty: But I have to use the bathroom.
Red: What?
Kitty: I have to use the bathroom!
Red: So, go ahead! But you only get one flush, so make it count.
Kitty: Well I guess I can hold it. I just hope I don't sneeze.

Jackie and Donna are hanging out with Collette.

Jackie: Would you sit still?
Donna: Jackie, she's not a doll!
Jackie: Uh, well not a good one anyway.
Collette: I don't want a makeover! You're supposed to be helping me with my homework!
Jackie: Homework is for ugly girls! OK? Pretty girls get geeky boys to do their homework for them.
Donna: Jackie, you're supposed to do fun stuff like go roller skating. Not teach her to prostitute herself for geometry notes.
Collette: She's cool. Why can't she be my Big Sister?
Jackie: Donna already has a little sister. Her name's Eric.

Red is supervising Eric.

Red: OK. Get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes.
Eric: Under there? But, it's, it's all spidery.
Red: Get under there, or you're going to get a spider the size of my foot in your ass!
Eric: I just realized something. After all the years of me helping you fix stuff, you finally have to hold the flashlight for me. Lower, dumbass! All right, I'm in. I'm just going to loosen the spider! Big one! Oh my God!
Red: A Brillo pad? You were afraid of a Brillo pad?
Eric: It bit me.
Red: Boy. Somewhere down the line I failed with you. You know? I think it was that one day when you were ten, and I caught you with those dolls.
Eric: They were action figures!

Jackie, Donna, and Fez are hanging out at the Hub with Collette.

Collette: I want to go to the movies.
Jackie: Why? You're watching me live my life. It's better than any movie.

Kelso comes into the Hub.

Kelso: Afternoon, civilians.
Fez: Where's my frog, you son of a bitch?
Kelso: Well, the good news is I let him loose. The bad news is he hopped in front of an 18-wheeler. He dodged the first wheel, but the last seventeen got him.
Hyde: Hey, did you just show up in a cop car?
Kelso: Yeah, my training officer let me take the cruiser out for a spin.
Hyde: Mind if we check it out?
Kelso: Fine. Just don't touch anything. I'll be in the bathroom taking care of some police business. Or as the boys down at the station like to say, I'll be taking a 10-100.
Donna: How would you like to see a police car?
Collette: I already saw one when the police took my daddy to jail.
Jackie: All right. You know what? Cheer up, or you're not getting lunch.
Donna: Jackie!
Jackie: Oh don't worry, Donna. You're getting lunch.
Donna: OK. You know what? You don't have a clue when it comes to dealing with kids.
Jackie: Well, if you think you're so good at it, why don't you give it a shot?
Donna: OK. I will. Come on, Collette. You've just been upgraded to "Little Donna."
Collette: Pfft.
Jackie: Well, you know what? It is your loss, because I was going to let you give me a pedicure!

Fez and Hyde are sitting in Kelso's police car.

Fez: I can't believe they trusted Kelso with a cop car.
Hyde: I can't believe he left the keys in it.
Fez: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Hyde: Burn rubber, little buddy.
Kelso: HEY! You're out of soap in the men's room. My eagle eye catches everything.
Fez: This is so exciting. What should we do next? Plant some evidence? Bust some prostitutes? Plant some evidence in the busts of some prostitutes?
Hyde: Oh hey. Check it out. Walkie talkie.

Kelso is still in the bathroom at the Hub.

Kelso: FREEZE! You're under arrest. Freeze! YOU'RE under arrest. Freeze. You're under ARREST! All right, that's the one.
Walkie Talkie: This is Officer Michael Kelso and I'm not wearing any pants!
Fez: Am I supposed to be driving all over the road? Cause I'm loaded.
Kelso: My car's gone! Somebody call the police!

Eric is still trying to fix the sink.

Eric: OK. That's it. I can't fix it. I just, I can't do it.
Red: Oh, what's the problem now? Did the fuzzy dish towel jump out and attack you?
Eric: I can't believe you said you failed with me.
Red: Oh come on. That was a joke. You know, like a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar, or I failed with you.
Eric: Do you really think that?
Red: No, not completely. I mean, maybe you're not good at fixing stuff. But you stayed behind from school to help the family out. And that's admirable.
Eric: Yeah. Yeah, it is. Some might say it's the greatest gift a son could give his father.
Red: No, the greatest gift a son could give his father is a Heisman trophy. Ah, look. You've tortured yourself enough for one day, let's just pack it up and call a plumber.
Eric: No. No. Look, I can fix some things. Boba Fett's jet pack doesn't just glue itself back on! You know what? I'm going to fix the lawnmower. Right now.
Red: Now why would you want to embarrass yourself like that? I mean, I'll be standing there, and you'll be standing there, and the mower won't work, and I'll say something mean, and claim it's a joke.
Eric: Oh, I'm going to fix that lawnmower. I'm going to fix the hell out of it. And when I'm done, you'll be able to race that baby at the Indy 500!
Red: Now look, son, just so you know, the lawnmower is the red thing with the wheels on it.
Eric: Yeah, well, not for long!

Jackie, Hyde, and Fez are watching TV in the Forman's basement.

TV: More news after this.
Fez: You know, if a wise man had stolen that car, it would be all over the news.
Hyde: Fez, not having every cop in Wisconsin looking for us is probably a good thing.
Fez: Shut up, Whitey.

Donna comes in the basement door.

Donna: Has anyone seen "Little Jackie?"
Hyde: No, why?
Donna: Ha, never mind.
Jackie: Oh my God! You lost "Little Jackie?!"
Donna: No, I didn't lose "Little JACKIE!" We're playing hide and seek and she's really, really good.
Fez: Oh, so you look for her, but when you play with Fez, you let him sit in the closet all day!
Jackie: I cannot believe you, Donna! You said I didn't know what I was doing, and look at what you did!
Donna: OK, are you going to help me find her, or not?
Jackie: Well I'm going to have to! I mean, this is serious. If we don't find that little girl, I'm going to get like half hour detention!

Kelso comes running down the basement stairs.

Kelso: OK. Where's my cop car? You know what? I'm going to count to three, and before I'm done, you'd better tell me where it is! One, two, two and a half!
Hyde: Three.
Kelso: No! You can't say three! That's not how it works!
Fez: Did my frog know how it worked when he saw that tire coming? Standard green light flashing before his eyes.
Kelso: Guys, come on! You can't just take somebody's car without asking permission. And especially since I kind of took it without asking permission.
Hyde: What?!
Fez: You stole it?
Kelso: I was supposed to be watching it while my training officer got a haircut. I mean, guys, they're going to have my paper badge for this!

Eric is fixing the lawnmower. He is done, so he pulls the string and the lawnmower starts. Eric shuts it off and opens the back door.

Eric: Mom! Dad! Come quick! I fixed it! I fixed it! It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.
Red: Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty loosey instead of righty tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
Eric: Wait, but Dad.
Kitty: No, no, honey. Honey. Your father's right. It's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.

Red opens the garage door to put the lawnmower in, and reveals the police car parked in it.

Red: What did you do??!!

Red has Hyde, Fez, and Kelso in the driveway.

Red: Why?! Why?! Why, is it always my house?!
Hyde: You really want to know, or you want to just keep yelling?
Red: I want to keep yelling!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here now!!
Kelso: Yes, sir.
Red: All right, everybody. Show is over. Let's go in the house.
Eric: Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower. You've got to see.

Kelso backs the car out of the garage, and runs over the lawnmower that is directly behind the car.

Eric: Kelso, wait!!
Hyde: Hey, look Fez. Just like your frog.
Red: Ah well, it was broken anyway.
Eric: No. It wasn't. I fixed it! Mom, you believe me, don't you?
Kitty: Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believe you fixed it.

Kelso is sitting in the car outside the barbershop waiting for Officer Kennedy.

Officer Kennedy: Why are you in my seat?
Kelso: This automobile has not moved. Wait. You didn't ask me that.
Officer Kennedy: Did you touch anything? Because if you did, you are in big trouble.
Kelso: Nope. I can assure you everything is exactly as you left it.
Walkie Talkie: Hey Kelso. Did you get the cop car back before your boss found out you stole it?
Kelso: OK. That. I can explain that.

Collette sits up in the back seat.

Collette: Where am I?
Kelso: Yeah. I, I can't explain that.

Red and Eric are sitting at the dining room table quizzing each other.