Fez: Guys! Guess what I just heard in the ladies bathroom.
Eric: Fez. What were you doing in the ladies bathroom?
Fez: Oh, spying, eating lunch, you know. I've heard two girls say they did not want to go to college as virgins.
Kelso: Yeah, I caught that wave last year.
Fez: So I'm thinking, if horny virgins are dying for sex, then to hot, horny virgins I will go.
Hyde: By the way Fez, it's not pronounced virgin, it's pronounced vir-gen.
Fez: I thought it was virgin.
Kelso: Oh no. Hyde's right. It's vir-gen.
Fez: Huh. Now I will not sound stupid in front of the beautiful vir-gens.

Donna and a brunette walk in.

Kelso: Oh my God. That's, that's the girl. That's the one I made it with at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Eric: That's Brooke.
Hyde: Man, no one sleeps with that Brooke. When we were sophomore, and she was a senior, she turned down her science teacher, and he drove a Corvette.
Eric: Yeah, she was like some kind of mythical creature, like a unicorn.
Hyde: It's weird. It seems like she's moving too fast. It's probably because all my memories of her are in super jiggle sexy slow mo.
Kelso: Well, all I know is that's her. And I did it with her. And I'll prove it.

Kelso goes up to Brooke.

Kelso: Hey Brooke. Yeah, I know this is kind of awkward, but could you tell my friends over there about you and me at the Molly Hatchet concert?
Brooke: Do I know you?

Eric comes over.

Eric: Hey, I'm, I'm sorry to interrupt, but uh, BURN!
Kelso: Look. It's me, Michael. From the concert. OK. I've been looking for you for weeks. I think you were so blissed out, and that does happen, that you gave me the wrong phone number. But the good news is, I wasn't a dream.
Brooke: I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about.
Kelso: No. Michael Kelso! Let's do it in the mens room? It's more romantic? No! What are you?! I kicked that kid out of the handicapped stall so we could have more room!!

OPENING CREDITS

The gang is hanging out in Eric's basement.

Kelso: What is Brooke's deal, man? I mean, most girls lie about doing it with me when they haven't! This, everything is backwards!
Eric: Yeah, this is just like Freaky Friday, but unlike that charming little movie, your story has no basis or fact.
Kelso: It does to! Except, it's just the girl is avoiding me. I mean, how do you get a girl to come to you when you repulse her?
Jackie: Yeah, Eric.
Eric: Well, I like to put a hot dog on the end of a stick and hide in the bushes.
Hyde: Donna, so how do you know Brooke anyway? Did you guys jump out of a cake together or something?
Donna: Ha ha ha! Yeah! No moron. When she was a senior, we worked on the school paper together.
Kelso: I think you know Brooke cause there's a secret club in this town made up of all the hot girls. It's a Secret Hot Girls Club.
Jackie: There's no Secret Hot Girls Club. Believe me, I'd know.
Donna: Uh-huh. Well, I'm going to take off. I have to get to my Secret Hot Girls meeting. Huh! Oops!
Kelso: What? Why doesn't Brooke like me? I am a gentleman!
Eric: Oh, yeah. You lied about doing it with a hot girl in a mens room. You're Cary Grant.
Jackie: Steven, you've been quiet. Do you think Brooke's hot?
Hyde: Do you really want me to answer that question?
Eric: Oh, I think we all do.
Jackie: Steven, it's no big deal. Do you think she's hot?
Hyde: Oh, well I guess since you're not setting a trap, I can answer honestly. Yeah, she's freaking hot!
Jackie: HA! See? I trapped you! Now take it back, or I'll pinch you.
Hyde: Jackie, if you pinch me, it's going to cause a serious problem in this relationship.
Jackie: Fine.

Jackie kicks Hyde.

Hyde: Ow.

Hyde and Fez are shooting hoops when Jackie comes over.

Fez: Oh hey Jackie. Are any of your college bound friends vir-gens?
Jackie: It's pronounced virgins, Fez.
Fez: What? But no, but Hyde said... Oh you magnificent bastard.
Hyde: Sorry buddy. By the way, it's pronounced bas-tard.
Jackie: Fez, if you want to find virgins, go where ugly girls pray to get pretty. The local house of
worship.
Fez: House of worship? Are you sure you don't mean the house of pies?
Jackie: No, Fez. I mean the house of worship.
Fez: I'm going to the house of pies.

Eric and Donna are hanging out in her room.

Eric: So, how's it going at Point Place Junior College?
Donna: Well, the education's not too great, but the upside is it's next to the Dairy Queen. First day of class, we all got free Peanut Buster Parfaits.
Eric: Ooh!

Kelso comes into Donna's room and starts looking through her stuff.

Kelso: Hey guys.
Donna: Kelso! What are you doing?!
Kelso: I'm looking for Brooke's phone number. I mean, why won't she admit that we did it?!
Eric: Kelso, there are racehorses and there are donkeys. And you are a great donkey. You are like top donkey. But she's a racehorse. And guess what? She don't want no donkey.
Kelso: She might. Look. We had a great time together, and not just cause of the sex part, but because we had a really great time! Donna, please help me find her.
Donna: OK. I'll give you a hint about where she works. It's in a quiet building, you could try to check her out on a date, but she's probably booked for the future.
Kelso: She's a travel agent?
Donna: She translated her love of books into a career.
Kelso: She's a translator.
Donna: Trablaha and la biblioteca, Kelso!
Kelso: She's the translator, not me, Donna. You know, enough of these brain teasers. You tell me where Brooke works, and I'll return your underpants to safety!
Eric: Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing Donna's undies?
Kelso: A collector never stops collecting, Eric.
Donna: The library, Kelso. She works in the library! Now will you put my underwear back, you perv?!
Kelso: I lied.

Kelso runs out the door and Donna chases him.

Hyde and Jackie are watching TV with Red and Kitty.

Jackie: Ooh. Wow. Those male actors are gorgeous! You know, I think that Robert Redford is so hot? He's hotter than the sun.
Hyde: He's extremely handsome.
Kitty: You know who I think is sexy? James Caan in the Godfather. Now, if he made me an offer, I sure couldn't refuse. Yowza!
Jackie: Do you mind?
Kitty: I'm sorry. I thought we were having a conversation.
Jackie: You know what, Steven? I actually think that every guy and in life is hotter than you.
Hyde: Jackie, I know what you're doing, OK? I said Brooke was hot, and now you're totally insecure.
Jackie: Oh, I am not insecure. OK. This is a designer sweater. This is designer eye shadow, and those are designer shoes, and they make me feel incredibly secure!
Kitty: You know who else I like? That little fellow who plays Colombo. I just want to give him a bath.
Jackie: Steven, why can't you just say that Brooke's not hot? It's common relationship courtesy. If you can't do this, what will you do when I'm old and ask you if I have crow's feet around my eyes?
Hyde: By the way, that's already starting.

Jackie runs out of the living room.

Red: You've never been in a relationship, have you, son?
Hyde: What? When she asked if Brooke was hot, I should have lied and said no?
Red: Being honest and screwing yourself is clearly the better plan.
Kitty: Sweetie, white lies help relationships. Like, Kitty, even though your pot roast was overdone, I still loved it.
Red: Oh, for the love of God, I did love it. You're a pot roast genius, OK? It was like eating gold.
Hyde: So, you're saying lying is good.
Kitty: Exactly. Now go do the right thing and lie to the woman you love.
Hyde: Red, this is crazy, right?
Red: Yeah, they're all nuts. Except you, sweetheart.

Kelso and Fez are at the library.

Fez: Look at all the smart, lonely girls. Little ones, big ones, it's like a virgin pumpkin patch.

Kelso rings the bell on the desk.

Brooke: Can I help you?
Kelso: Yes. I'd like an order of books, please.
Brooke: Could you be more specific?
Kelso: Could you be more beautiful?
Brooke: Could you be more lame?
Kelso: Yes.
Kid: Excuse me. I'm trying to read.
Kelso: Don't be a sissy. You know what? Here's a firecracker. Go live a little.
Kid: Thanks!
Brooke: Look, I know why you're here and I'm sorry, you're not my type. I was high school valedictorian. And you're the antithesis of that.
Kelso: The anti-who of what?
Brooke: Exactly.
Kelso: OK. No. Come on. Don't be like that. OK? Look. I really like you. And I just thought that maybe we could go out sometime. Like, for coffee. And if that went good, then we could go to a movie, and then when we really start to trust each other, you can tell my friends how we did it at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Brooke: Look, I don't make it with guys at concerts! I read two periodicals a week about the Dewey Decimal System, which I'm sure you've never heard of!
Kelso: OK. I have heard of Dewey Decimal. It's Donald Duck's nephew!

Kelso and Fez have come back from the library and are in Eric's basement.

Kelso: I can't believe Brooke. I mean, standing there at the library, totally resisting me.
Hyde: I can't believe we have a library.
Eric: I know, what is it, like, invisible?
Kelso: No, no. You know in that parking lot, where we drink beer in? OK, well, you know that wall that we lean up against? That's the library!
Hyde: OH!
Fez: Well, then guess who has peed on the library?
Kelso: You know what? For the first time in my life, I hope there's not a Secret Hot Girls Club, because if there is, I bet Brooke said awful things about me at their last meeting.

Kelso has a fantasy about the Secret Hot Girls Club. Jackie pounds the gavel.

Jackie: Order, bitches! The Secret Hot Girls Club is now in session.
Donna: Now, last meeting we all decided to go bra-less. And I just want to report that Operation Bazoomba Bounce is driving the boys insane!
Brooke: Hi, my name is Brooke, and I've been a hot girl for six years.
All: Hi, Brooke.
Brooke: And I just wanted to let everyone know that Michael Kelso asked me out and I resisted his charms, and turned him down.
Jackie: Huh!
Donna: But he's irresistible.
Brooke: That's what I thought. But it's a lie. A lie, I tell you!
Jackie: Then it's official. No Secret Hot Girl will ever date Michael Kelso ever again!
All: YAY!!
Jackie: OK, that's great. That's great! Now this calls for Dancing Bubble Kiss Time!

Kelso is back to reality.

Donna: Kelso. There is no Secret Hot Girls Club!
Kelso: Well, of course, the president won't admit it.
Eric: Yeah, I don't care if there's a club or not. Dancing Bubble Kiss Time is just a fabulous idea.
Kelso: Look, all I know is that Brooke and I had a romantic night together at the concert. Why is she pretending like it didn't happen?
Donna: Well maybe she's embarrassed! I mean, she's used to dating really brainy guys.
Hyde: Yeah, not guys who set their own pants on fire.
Kelso: On a dare! And I won a dollar!
Donna: Kelso, if you want Brooke to like you, you know, maybe you should go to the library and show her you can be smart.
Kelso: Ugh, I hate the library. The only good thing about it is that you can check out Playboys. I mean, they have every issue since it started.
Eric: Wait, every issue? Are you telling me that they have the one with Pamela Sue Martin, television's Nancy Drew, dressed in a grotto, straddling the world's luckiest boulder? Her, uh, they have periodicals, you say?

Jackie is getting relationship advice from Kitty.

Jackie: What is wrong with Steven? I mean, why won't he just say Brooke's not hot?
Kitty: Because he doesn't know how to lie. He's an orphan. He never had a mother to teach him how.
Jackie: I mean, how do I know he loves me if he doesn't obey me?
Kitty: Well, you've chosen a strong man, Jackie, and they don't always obey. Now, do I think he should have said that other girl wasn't pretty? Yes, but you have to pick your battles.
Jackie: Wait. No! I want to be right all the time!
Kitty: And you will be. After a few years, they just, they give up.

Red comes into the kitchen and grabs a beer out of the fridge.

Kitty: OK. Watch. Red? Could you go to the drugstore and get me a Ladies Home Journal?
Red: But I just. It's all frosty. Oh, crap!

Eric and Kelso are at the library.

Eric: Jackpot, my friend. Not only did I get Nancy Drew, but I also got Margot Kidder, Superman's Lois Lane, in an outfit, that, let's just say you don't need X-ray vision to appreciate.
Kelso: Get those out of here, man. I'm trying to impress Brooke with my intelligence. Here she comes. Hey Eric. This encyclopedia of scientific terms has really taught me something. See, by lifting this encyclopedia of scientific terms above my head, I'm using my body's stored energy. Also known as uranium.
Brooke: Um, actually, it's known as calories. But I do believe at some point, you were exposed to radiation.
Kelso: All right, look. I don't know what you have against me, but I'm not leaving here until I convince you to go out with me.
Kid: That's the man who gave me the firecrackers, Mom!
Kelso: I got to run.
Brooke: Do you want to check something out?
Eric: No, um. Is there someone else who can help me? Like a, like a man?
Brooke: So, you want to check out those Playboys or not?
Eric: OK. Fine. I'm a man. I would like these Playboys.
Brooke: Well, you can't have them. I want you to get in your car, buy some flowers, give them to Donna, and thank God an actual live woman lets you touch her.
Eric: Yes, ma'am.

Kitty and Hyde are sitting on the couch. Jackie comes out of the kitchen.

Jackie: OK, Steven? I think I've figured out a way to end this situation where everybody wins. Now listen carefully. Is there anyone you said was hot, like Brooke, who you really don't think is hot, like Brooke?
Hyde: Well, I could lie and say yes.
Jackie: Then do it! I don't care if you don't mean it, it's the words that count.
Hyde: Jackie, I'm not going to lie!
Jackie: Fine! Then you know what? I don't know how to fix this.
Kitty: Mm-mm-mm-mm. Pick your battles.
Jackie: Fine. Steven, I don't care if you think she's hot. Because that's how you really feel.
Hyde: Thank you.
Jackie: Hey, Steven? Will you go to the drugstore and get me a Vogue magazine?
Hyde: But I just. It's going to melt. Crap!

The gang is hanging out in the basement.

Fez: Well, my plan to have sex with virgins failed. So, I've widened my search from virgins to everyone.
Eric: Basically, you're back to where you started this morning.
Fez: Not really. I had some pie. I've done less in a day.
Kelso: Well, Donna! Turns out Brooke doesn't like intelligent men!
Hyde: Kelso. You didn't have sex with her, man. Just let it go.
Brooke: Michael. I need to talk to you.
Kelso: Yeah? About what?
Brooke: About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert.
Kelso: Excuse me. Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!

Kelso runs upstairs to the kitchen where Red and Kitty are sitting at the dining room table.

Kelso: Burn! Burn!

Kelso runs out the back door and back into the basement.

Kelso: Burn. We totally did it!
Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.
Kelso: I never touched her!

Eric is hiding behind a pillar at the library.

Eric: Psst. Hey, kid. See this? That's a Playboy. And inside, are things beyond your wildest dreams. Magical, glorious things. So if I toss it on your book, and you check it out for me, I'll let you have a look see. What do you say?
Kid: You're pathetic! Just go buy Playboy, you loser.
Eric: Loser? Hey I'm not the one reading Hardy Boys! For your information, the stolen money was hidden in the grandfather clock! Huh? Who's the loser now?! Something sparks near Eric.
Eric: AAH!