Kelso: Hey guys. This is my co-cadet at the Police Academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a
good look cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
Suzy: You're right. This one looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Do To You" filmstrip.
Hyde: You're a cop, huh? You don't look like a cop. You look kind of giggly.
Kelso: Look. Simpson needed to give me a ride home cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it'd feel like.

Jackie walks in behind Eric.

Eric: Hey, so Suzy. Which Charlie's Angel is your favorite? The brainy one, the sporty one, or the one that just can't
find a bra? Mine is the one that just can't find a bra.
Suzy: Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge! No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Jackie: Hey! Those sluts are my heroes!
Kelso: Hey. Thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
Suzy: We back up our own.
Kelso & Suzy: Point Place Police! Code Three! Safe Streets!
Jackie: What's her problem with Charlie's Angels? Ugh! I bet she watches PBS.
Hyde: So you and Simpson have been friends for almost two days now, huh? Isn't it about time you got her pregnant?
Kelso: No! It's different with me and Simpson. For the first time ever, I have a girl that's just a friend. Like when
Simpson talks, I actually listen, instead of watching her boobs go up and down.
Donna: Kelso! You've finally gotten past the stage where you have to look at every woman's chest. Congratulations.
Kelso: Not exactly. I'm looking at yours right now. And I say, congratulations to you.
Donna: You're such a perv. And thank you.

Red and Kitty come home.

Eric: Oh hey. What took you guys so long at the heart doctor's? Oh let me guess. You had to call in a specialist just
to find Dad's tiny heart.
Red: You know, we can call in a specialist to find my foot in your ass.
Hyde: We're going to need an ass-foot-ologist, stat.
Kitty: Your father's blood pressure is still high, and the doctor can't figure out why.
Red: So he wants to send some moron over to find the source of my stress. And I said the source of my stress is
when you quacks try to pad my medical bill. And then the machine went beep and the appointment was over.
Kitty: You know? I don't know what you're so worried about. They're just going to blame me. Shrinks love to blame the
wife. What do they know? They're barely doctors. A stuffed animal and a box of tissues could do their job!

OPENING CREDITS

Red and Eric are watching TV in the living room. The doorbell rings, and Kitty answers it.

Stuart: Hi. I'm the stress management specialist, Stuart Su-
Red: Sutcliffe. You played tight end for the Packers!
Stuart: Yeah, till I bent my knee sideways.
Eric: Actually, that happened to me in the school musical. Yeah. I was a dancing mushroom. Anyway, long story
short, I finished the number.
Red: This is my son, Eric.
Kitty: Oh, oh. And I am his loving, relaxing, wife, Kitty.
Red: How about that? A real live Packer in the house!
Kitty: Well, I hope the fact that you both love sports doesn't mean that anyone, like say his wife, would be judged
unfairly. I mean, I love sports, so don't start me off with, with four strikes in the last quarter of the super series!
Stuart: No, no. Today I'm just a neutral observer, with a degree in Family Therapy and Alcohol Awareness.
Eric: Oh, so Dad. You can talk to him about sports and Mom, you can talk to him about drinking.
Kitty: Oh poo. I was instructed by the doctor to have the occasional medicinal cocktail. I have a note.
Stuart: Red. How do you feel about Kitty's drinking?
Red: Makes things easier.
Stuart: But drinking often adds a lot of stress to a household.
Kitty: If you'll excuse me, I'd rather not stand here, and listen to you blame me. Mother hater!
Stuart: Well, I hope nobody minds if I record today's session.
Red: Yay. This is your lucky day, son. They say the camera adds fifteen pounds!
Eric: Really? I also heard it adds a full head of hair.

Kitty is angrily making toast in the kitchen. Bob comes in the sliding door.

Bob: Hey Kitty. You busy?
Kitty: No. Red and I are just having our marriage dissected by a tee totaling know it all!
Bob: Oh, then is now a good time to tell Red I broke his chainsaw?
Kitty: No. He'll be furious with you. Yes, he will be furious with you. Come with me.

Eric is talking to Stuart about when he was a mushroom.

Eric: So then, all the mushrooms jitter bug.
Kitty: Stuart? Stuart, this is Bob the stress causer. Bob broke Red's chainsaw. Bob, meet Stuart. Stuart, blame Bob.
Stuart: Red, how do you feel about Bob? Does he cause you stress?
Red: Not really. Bob's just uh, kind of goofy. Like a cartoon. Like living next to Elmer Fudd.
Bob: That might be the nicest thing you've ever said about me. You wascal.
Kitty: Oh. So fine! Now you're best friends! Now everyone's all happy and I look like the crazy one just yelling and
screaming in the middle of the living room! Well I am not the crazy one! Even though I am yelling and screaming in the
middle of the living room! Is that a camera?
Stuart: Yes. I'm recording today's session.
Kitty: Well, isn't that just something I didn't know.

Kelso and Fez are in the Forman's basement. Suzy comes in the basement door.

Suzy: Michael! We got issued our cop sunglasses! I've been using them to scare the crap out of civilians all day. Drop
the records, punk!
Fez: I wasn't stealing them! Yes I was.
Kelso: Fez. This is Suzy Simpson. She and I are training to be cops.
Fez: Oh, if there's more like you at the police academy, that academy deserves an award.
Suzy: Academy Award. That's funny!
Kelso: Yeah, Simpson's wanted to be a cop for like forever.
Suzy: Yeah, it's because of the weapons, mostly. I love things that make a lot of noise. Guns and boys.
Fez: Well, then. Load me up, baby, cause I'm ready to go bang.
Suzy: I better go. I've got to stop at the candy store.
Kelso: All right.
Fez: Wait. You like candy?
Suzy: Yeah. I'm out of Good and Plenty. It's says on the box that there's plenty.
Suzy & Fez: But it's never enough. Jinx. One, two, three, four, five. You owe me a Coke.
Fez: That is the woman I've been searching for my whole life!
Kelso: Hey. Do you want me to see if she likes you?
Fez: Kelso, we've been down that road. Just give me her address, some binoculars, and I'll handle the rest myself.

Stuart is still working with the Formans.

Stuart: Now while we're filming, let's just pretend the camera's not even here. Now, you're going to interact, I'm going to
write down my observations.
Red: While you're writing down stuff, would you mind autographing this football? It's brand new. Kid never touched it.

Hyde and Jackie walk into the living room.

Hyde: Hey, what's going on?
Eric: Dude, we're on TV.
Hyde: How does this thing work?
Jackie: Hey Steven! Point it at me! Huh! Good morning, Dallas! I'm Jackie Sunshine with your morning weather.

Hyde uses his fingers on the camera to look like he's tickling Jackie.

Jackie: It is going to be sunny today, so you ladies who let yourself go this winter, stay inside, and leave the fellows to
us pretty girls!
Stuart: Please stop touching my camera.

Kitty comes down the stairs dressed up, speaking in a Southern accent.

Kitty: Well, what a lovely day here, in the household of the Formans. I can't say there's a place I'd rather be than with
these kinds of people in this kind of place.
Red: What are you? Scarlett O'Hara now?
Kitty: I am being soft and gracious. Now clam it!
Eric: Mom, you know. They have talkies now.
Kitty: Oh forget it. I give up. Where is the off button on this thing?
Stuart: Mrs. Forman! I need to see things as they happen!
Kitty: Oopsie!

Kelso and Suzy are at the Hub.

Suzy: All right. You clocked this lady doing 38 in a 35 zone. Recite it, and write it.
Kelso: Yeah. License and registration, ma'am.
Suzy: Use the glasses. They're powerful. It's like a gun you wear on your face.
Kelso: License and registration, ma'am. Ooh, that felt good. Guess what? I know someone who likes you. He thinks
that you're cute and smart and funny.
Suzy: Huh! Well, I think I know who you're talking about. And I like him too.
Kelso: Huh. What do you like about him
Susie: I like how hot he looks sitting across from me in a blue t-shirt eating a hot dog.
Kelso: You just described me. Aw, crap.

Kelso, Jackie and Hyde are sitting in the Forman's basement.

Kelso: Man, I thought Simpson was different! She's supposed to just be my buddy. Now I'm going to have to sleep with
her.
Jackie: No, Michael, no! Set her up with Fez! He's the one who likes her.
Hyde: Yeah. Fez needs something, man. That guy's so desperate, he's been rubbing himself around the couch like a
cat.
Jackie: What you need to do is put them together in a romantic situation. Suzy might not like Fez at first, but he won't
take no for an answer. He's like one, freaky, horny, little dude.
Hyde: Just ask the couch.

Kelso tries to set Suzy up with Fez.

Kelso: Hey, I was thinking maybe tomorrow, you could help me brush up on my target practice.
Suzy: It's a date!
Kelso: Yeah. I'd be there. You'd be there.
Suzy: On a date!
Kelso: So I'll see you at the shooting range.
Suzy: For our date!

Kelso is talking to Fez about Suzy.

Kelso: Your first date with Suzy is all set up, and she told me that she's crazy about you.
Fez: Well, I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm a little crazy about me too.

Kelso runs back to the Formans basement.

Kelso: Well, it's all set. Fez is going on a date with Suzy, who's going on a date with me, and doesn't know she's
going on a date with Fez.

Suzy and Fez are getting ready for their dates.

Suzy: I'm ready for our date, Michael.
Fez: I'm ready for our date, Suzy.
Suzy & Fez: Oh yeah.

The Formans are still talking with Stuart.

Kitty: It's a shame you won't be able to film anymore.
Stuart: Look, there's one last exercise I want to try. Role-playing. All right. Come on. All right, now. You're going to be
Eric. Eric, you're going to be your father. Mr. Forman, you can start.
Red: Well, I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything.
Eric: And I wish I was an octopus. So I could put eight feet in eight different asses, ah, ha, ha, ha!
Red: Star Wars! Star Wars! Star Wars!
Eric: Dead commies! Dead commies! Dead commies!
Stuart: All right, all right, all right! Time out! Time out! I think I know what the problem is.
Kitty: All right, fine. I drink a little.
Stuart: What?
Kitty: I have a very difficult job, and I, I come home at night, and, and well...
Eric: Drinks are her nightly reward.
Stuart: Mrs. Forman. I believe the source of your husband's stress is-
Kitty: Oh, here it comes.
Stuart: Your son!
Red: Him?
Kitty: It's not me? Oh boy!!
Red: You think my problem is my own son?! My son is a fine young man!
Eric: Oh Dad. You don't have-
Red: Shut up, dumbass. You know less about my family than you do about football! Which isn't saying much since
you dropped every pass that came near you! And let me tell you something else. When a real Packer hurts his leg, he
stuffs his kneecap back in and keeps on running!
Eric: That's what this little mushroom would have done.

Kelso has arranged for Suzy, him, and Fez to be at the shooting range.

Suzy: I love this place. The sweet smell of gunpowder, the deafening boom of shotgun blasts, oops, that kind of talk is
more appropriate for the bedroom. I apologize.
Fez: Knock, knock! Who's there? Ivan. Ivan who? I have an awful lot of candy for the both of us.
Suzy: Fez?
Fez: Well, if it's not me, then there's some lucky bastard who looks just like me.
Suzy: Michael, I thought it was just going to be you, me, and a box of hot lead.
Kelso: Well, it's even better. It's you, me, and a box of hot Fez.
Fez: Kelso! This wasn't part of the deal.
Kelso: Wait, what wasn't part of the deal?
Fez: You! So beat it! I want her to smell nothing but me.
Kelso: OK. You know what? I'm kind of in the way. I'm going to go next door. Maybe you can show Fez how to shoot.
Try to close the deal before she realizes you're a foreigner.
Fez: So, where do we start? I could rifle through the manual, but why don't you just give me the bullet points?
Suzy: Fez. I never joke about guns.
Fez: Oh. Shoot. I have no discipline.
Suzy: OK. You're going to just take aim, and squeeze gently.
Fez: Squeebing, gee, gee.
Suzy: Here, put these on and take a few shots. I'm just going to go check on Michael. So he's not alone.
Fez: Cologne? Oh yeah, I mixed a bunch of different ones and I made my own scent.
Suzy: Hey Michael. Do you want me to hold your shoulders while you shoot, or maybe square off your thighs?
Kelso: Well, you know whose thighs need squaring off? Fez's. Yeah, bad. Oh and by the way, he also told me that he
thinks you're really nice.
Suzy: Aw, well. He's nice too. Now that I can understand some of what he's saying, he's kind of charming. Oh look! A
rabbit. I love animals.
Kelso: You know who really loves animals? Fez.
Suzy: He does?
Kelso: Yeah.

A gun shot goes off.

Susie: The bunny!
Fez: I got dinner!

Eric is telling everyone about the shrink session.

Eric: And then, my dad actually gave me a compliment. My son's a fine young man. That's like the most loving he's
said to me since he told me that I could be worse.
Donna: Are you sure Red was talking about you? I mean, I love you, but you are a little high maintenance.
Jackie: And not in a good way like me.
Hyde: Remember when it took Red all summer to teach you how to catch a ball cause you were too scared of it?
Donna: First Red had him look at a picture of a ball. Then he put him in a room with a ball. And then he moves him
closer until he wasn't screaming being right next to the ball.
Jackie: What is so scary about a ball?
Eric: It's that people throw it right at you, OK?!

Fez is trying to make Suzy feel better.

Fez: I'm sorry about what I did to that poor bunny. I guess my gun really had a hair triggered, huh? Too
soon? Yes. Too soon. Well, I apologize for ruining our first date.
Suzy: Our first date. No, I was there on a date with Michael.
Fez: What? No, no. He told me we were on a date.
Suzy: He told me we were on a date.
Fez: You and me we, or he and you, we?
Suzy: I think one of us has been lied to. And the other one too!
Fez: Well, then you should be very angry, which means I am too!
Kelso: Hey. Why don't you two kiss and make up?
Suzy: Michael? What kind of game are you playing? Inviting me on a date that wasn't with you?
Fez: Yeah, I second that, but about her. And add, you son of a bitch!
Kelso: OK, look. I have a really good explanation for this. But I left it at home.

Red is drinking coffee in the kitchen and Eric comes in.

Eric: Oh Dad. About what you said to the stress management guy, I just want to say thanks.
Red: OK. OK. You said it. We're both embarrassed. Now move along.
Eric: No, I mean. Look. I could be a little less of a smart ass, and you're my father. Your life matters to me. So
anyway, Dad, I-
Red: Eric! If you say I love you, my heart is going to explode! Ah, Kitty. What's for dinner?
Kitty: Well, the camera is off. So I'm having a margarita with salt. You two are on your own.

Kelso is in the Forman's basement after running out on Suzy and Fez. Fez comes in.

Fez: Kelso. So, this is where you go after a hard day of screwing me over!!
Kelso: All right. Look, Fez. I'm really sorry.
Fez: Zip it, fool! You stole my girl! And I really need a girl!
Hyde: Here Fez. You're probably going to want some personal time with the couch. I even plumped up the pillows for
you.
Fez: No, I cannot be in the same room with him. You and I are through. Now good day.
Kelso: But Fez.
Jackie: Fez... he said, but Fez.
Fez: Oh, I heard him.
Donna: Well, now you're supposed to say, I said good day!
Kelso: Yeah, and then we all know that you're really mad, but eventually you'll get over it.
Fez: Oh, you'd like that. Dance, monkey, dance! Oh Kelso. This monkey don't dance no more.
Donna: But Fez.
Fez: I said good day. AAAARGH!

Fez cooked dinner for Eric and Donna.