Eric: So cold. Can't use the force.
Donna: Eric.
Eric: Leia? Oh, hi.
Donna: Were you like that all night?
Eric: No, no. From one to four, I was whimpering because your knee was in my back. Yeah. We get to Madison next week, we're getting a bigger bed.
Donna: Eric, my knee was in your back because you were trying to hump me in your sleep.
Eric: No, I wasn't asleep. I got to go. My folks are coming home from the hospital today.

There is a loud knock on the door.

Bob: Donna, what's going on in there??! Donna?!
Donna: Um, just a minute, Dad!

Donna tosses Eric a sweatshirt.

Eric: This is yours!
Donna: No time!
Bob: I'm coming in!
Donna: Hi, Daddy.
Bob: I heard voices.
Donna: Oh, that was me, you know, greeting this beautiful morning.
Bob: Uh-huh.

Bob opens Donna's closet door.

Bob: Get out. May I ask why you're wearing my daughter's blouse?
Eric: I thought you'd be mad if I was nude.
Bob: Oh, what the hell?
Eric: Fez?
Donna: Oh my God! Did you see anything?!
Fez: Not much, you should really think about a night light.

OPENING CREDITS

Kelso is in the Forman's kitchen cracking eggs into a glass. Hyde is eating breakfast.

Kelso: Yeah, this is a sweatband. I'm wearing sweatbands now.
Hyde: What are you doing?
Kelso: Well, police academy starts in a week, so I got to get in shape. So I'm eating raw eggs like Rocky.
Hyde: Kelso, Rocky ate raw eggs cause he was training for a fight. If he was training to be a cop, you just flunk out of high school and grow a bad mustache.
Kelso: Oh, I'm growing the bad mustache.

Eric and Fez come back from Donna's.

Kelso: Oh! Forman, just because there's a sale at Penney's doesn't mean you got to buy everything.
Hyde: Hey Fez. You're supposed to bring your date home, then take her pants off.
Eric: Fellows, I'm afraid your little jokes don't bother me because soon I will be starting my new life in Madison, where if I so choose, I can wear ladies clothes all I want.
Fez: Really? Where is this Madison? So I can go there and kick their dress wearing asses. Guys, come on. I'm all man. I'm married to Eric's slutty sister.
Kelso: Yeah, how's that going?
Fez: Oh, not great. But I'm pretty sure when Laurie gets back from our honeymoon in Cancun, things will pick up.
Hyde: Laurie went on your honeymoon alone?
Fez: Oh no. That would be crazy. She took her friend Carlos along to keep an eye on her. But, I paid for both of them, so everyone knows who the man is in this deal.

Jackie comes into the kitchen.

Jackie: Hello, boys. It is me, the object of your desire.
Hyde: So Jackie, did you choose between me and Kelso yet?
Jackie: I'm on my way to the pool right now to think about it. Rest assured, when I'm in my most delicious shade of cocoa brown, you will have your answers.
Kelso: Well, this might tip the scales. I'm not wearing anything underneath my track suit.
Hyde: This is so stupid. All right, I'm out of here.
Kelso: Hey Jackie. You want to see something hot? Watch me drink raw eggs.
Jackie: Oh, but Michael...
Kelso: No, Jackie, hold on. I'm drinking my eggs.
Jackie: No, Michael!
Kelso: Jackie! Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait until after I drink my eggs!
Jackie: Fine.

Kelso drinks the glass of raw eggs.

Kelso: Now, what is so important?
Jackie: You're allergic to eggs!
Kelso: Oh man, I am!
Jackie: Yeah.
Kelso: Yeah, I got to go to the hospital.

Kelso walks out the back door.

Eric: It's OK, I'll drive. I got to pick up my folks anyway. So Hyde. Your competition for Jackie is uh, Egg Boy.
Fez: Ooh, that must be so humiliating.
Hyde: Fez. Your wife's on your honeymoon with another guy.
Fez: Oh, no, no, no. Carlos is just like um, he's like a chaperon. He uh... son of a bitch!!

Eric is driving Kelso to the hospital, and Hyde is riding along.

Eric: How are you doing back there, Kels?
Kelso: My eyes feel tight. Do I look OK?
Eric: Oh my God!
Hyde: Holy crap!
Kelso: What? What?
Eric: Nothing. We're just shocked at how great you look.
Kelso: Oh, it's the sweatband. I'm wearing sweatbands now.

Eric has met Red and Kitty at the hospital.

Red: Come on, Kitty. Let's get out of this weird place. I think some of these nurses are stealing drugs.
Kitty: Red, I am a nurse here.
Red: I stand by my statement.
Doctor: OK, Mr. Forman. Just to be clear. No going to work, no chores, no driving for three months. And let's not forget the root cause of the problem.
Eric: Too much rage, right? Yeah, so he probably shouldn't like, yell at anyone anymore, right?
Doctor: Actually, the reason he ran into trouble is he was holding stuff in.
Eric: He was holding stuff in. It's OK. I weigh 42 pounds cause of what he let out, and I'm sorry, you're telling me that uh, uh, there's more in there?
Kitty: No, no, no. He does not weigh 42 pounds. And these two are the best of buddies. Hey Dad? Want to go fishing? Sure son. Let's hug. That's what it's like at our house.
Red: See what I mean about the drugs?
Doctor: What you need to do is focus on things that make you happy.
Eric: OK, but I don't know where we're going to find a boatload of dead Commies.

Hyde comes out of a room pushing Kelso in a wheelchair.

Kelso: They gave me four shots. None in the arm. Hey pretty lady. Like what you see?

Donna and Jackie are hanging out at the pool.

Donna: Jackie, when are you going to decide between Kelso and Hyde?
Jackie: I already have.
Donna: What?
Jackie: Yeah.

A ball rolls next to Donna's chair.

Donna: Oh, here you go, little boy. So, who did you pick?
Jackie: Well...
Donna: Wow, ball must be hard to catch, huh?
Jackie: I chose Steven. And I'm going to tell him today. I cannot wait to see the look on his face. Huh! Oh my God! What if he cries?
Donna: Yeah, that's not going to happen.
Jackie: Oh, I'll make him cry. You watch and see.
Donna: Hey what are you... You get a good look, you little perv?
Little Boy: She touched me! And it was awesome!

Eric, Red, and Kitty are home from the hospital.

Kitty: OK now. Get you upstairs for your nap, and Eric, he needs quiet, so no shenanigans.
Eric: Mom, please, I haven't shenaniganed in about six years. I've hooliganed, I've no goodnicked, I've nair done well, just yesterday, I found myself rabble rousing.
Red: Will you shut up?!

Red, Kitty and Eric go into the living room to find Fez holding flowers and a balloon.

Fez: Welcome home, Dad!
Red: You! You got a lot of nerve! Showing your face around here after what you did to my daughter!
Fez: Hey, I did you a favor. That girl's been passed around this town-
Kitty & Eric: NO!!
Kitty: OK. You have already given him one heart attack, that's enough. Now hush.
Eric: Hey, look buddy! Raisinets.
Fez: MMM.
Kitty: OK, OK. Nap time. Oh and Eric. Your father has a check up next week, so I need you to take him.
Eric: Mom, I have to register for college, remember? This, I'm not going to be here, I'm moving away.
Kitty: So you're still going.
Eric: Well, yes I'm still going. It's college!
Kitty: Fine.
Eric: Mom, I got to get out of here.
Red: Oh, Kitty. Let him go. Odds are, he's not going to amount to anything, and I don't want him blaming me.
Eric: See? That is exactly the kind of thing I have to get away from.
Kitty: Fine.
Eric: Great.
Kitty: Great.
Eric: Fine.
Red: Oh, my heart.
Eric: Dad!
Red: Just thought I'd break the tension. That's going to come in handy.
Kitty: No more fake heart attacks. Next time you clutch your chest you better see a bright light and some dead relatives.

Kitty and Red go upstairs. Laurie comes in the front door.

Laurie: Hey, little brother. Hey, hubby.
Fez: Don't hubby me! I'm mad at you!
Laurie: Aw. But I brought you a souvenir.
Eric: Oh, look Fez. A genuine Cancun shot glass. Still sticky with tequila.
Fez: Aw, you shouldn't have.
Laurie: No biggie. Some guy left it in my room.

Jackie comes into the basement to talk to Hyde.

Jackie: OK. Steven? I'm here to tell you I've made my decision. I choose you. Huh, wow!
Hyde: Yeah, I'm a good kisser. Here's your gum back.
Jackie: Oh. Steven, I missed you so much.

A new girl, Raquel, opens the basement door.

Raquel: Hey, you ready?
Hyde: Yeah, let's hit it.
Jackie: Whoa! Whoa! Who is this?
Hyde: This is my date. You didn't think I was going to wait around for you all summer, did you?
Raquel: Looks like you traded up.
Jackie: Oh, you better back off!
Raquel: Back off or what?
Jackie: I'll call your parents!
Raquel: My parents don't speak midget.
Jackie: Uh!
Hyde: OK. OK. I hate myself for stopping a girl fight, but let's just... ah, screw it. Go, go!
Jackie: All right, Steven. You made your point. Now, please stay here with me?
Hyde: I'm sorry, but I got plans. Hey, maybe you should go work on your tan.
Jackie: Skank!!

Raquel motions as if she's going to claw Jackie.

Jackie: AAAAAAH!

Eric is eating breakfast with his parents.

Kitty: OK, here you go. Egg whites only. No yolks, they're bad for you.
Red: But the yellow part is the baby bird. That's the part I want to eat.
Kitty: Sorry. Too much cholesterol, which also means no bacon, just good old, heart healthy ham!
Eric: MMM. Bacon. Oh, it's so good. And it is so much better than ham.
Kitty: And for you. My famous chocolate chip, caramel, whipped cream pancakes!
Eric: Mom! You're not going to bribe me into staying home from school with super sweet breakfast food. Where are my sprinkles?
Kitty: No, no. The pancakes are an apology. I overreacted before. Of course you have to go to school.
Eric: So that's it? No guilt?
Kitty: That's right.
Red: What a nice, warm, family moment. Let's celebrate. With bacon.
Eric: MMM. Bacon.

Jackie is upset and confronts Hyde at the Hub.

Jackie: Steven! How could you go out with another girl when I chose you?
Hyde: Jackie. When I said choose between me and Kelso, I meant choose me. Right then. Make me sit around and wait it out is immature.
Jackie: I want what I want when I want it. What is so immature about that?
Hyde: Forget it, Jackie. Maybe you're just not my type.
Kelso: Ooh, that was rough. And even I've had a better day than you, and my head swelled up to five times its normal size.

Donna and Eric are sitting in the basement looking at stuff about Madison.

Eric: Oh my God, Donna. Madison has a course called the Social Significance of Jedi Culture.

Kitty comes rushing downstairs with a laundry basket.

Eric: Mom, why are you doing laundry? It's almost midnight.
Kitty: Well, with your dad not working, I had to pick up a double shift at the hospital. This is the only time I have to do it.
Eric: OK. Don't do this.
Kitty: Do what?
Eric: Come down here, in the middle of the night, doing laundry, looking like hell.
Kitty: Oh, excuse me!
Eric: No. I'm, I'm just saying you're trying to make me feel guilty for leaving, and it's not going to work. I can't stay here, OK?! I have to go off and live my life! I deserve that! Mom, I deserve a chance!
Kitty: OK. OK. No need to use your squeaky voice. I understand that you have to leave. I have bigger things to worry about than making you feel guilty.
Donna: Eric, if you feel like you need to stay, I mean, we can talk about-
Eric: No. No. We're leaving next week. And that's final.
Donna: OK.

Red comes in the basement holding a plate of bacon.

Red: Yeah. It's bacon. And I don't care if you tell your mother. She doesn't scare me.
Kitty's voice from upstairs: Eric! I almost forgot.

Red tosses the remaining bacon off the plate onto Eric's lap and runs out the basement door.

Jackie is at the Hub talking with Kelso about how Hyde blew her off.

Jackie: How could Steven say I'm not his type? I'm everybody's type! That's my thing!
Kelso: Well, at least you don't have to worry about me chasing after you anymore. I mean, most of the stuff you and Hyde used to argue about, I didn't even understand. Which makes me think that you've become a complicated woman, and I don't want none of that.
Jackie: So, you're really OK with us just being friends?
Kelso: Yeah, I release you. Fly little bird. Fly, fly away! That was you.
Jackie: Michael, do you think I'm immature?
Kelso: No. You're almost fully grown.
Jackie: Well. Steven thinks so. Apparently, I'm immature and that skank in the leather jacket is what, cool? Well, I can be cool. People can change. Olivia Newton John did it for John Travolta and that movie was totally realistic.

Jackie starts thinking about Grease. Her and Donna come into the Hub. Jackie is dressed in tight black, and Eric, Kelso, and Fez think she's really good looking.

Eric: Wow!
Kelso: Yowza!
Fez: Yummy!

Hyde turns around and takes his sunglasses off.

Hyde: Jackie?
Jackie: Tell me about it, Steve.
Hyde: I got chills, they're multiplying, and I'm losing control! For the power you're supplying, it's electrifying!
Jackie: You better shape up cause I need a man, and my heart is set on you. You better shape up, you better understand, to my heart I must be true.
Hyde: Just a little love, just a little love.
Jackie & Hyde: You're the one that I want.
All: Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Jackie & Hyde: The one that I want. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Jackie: The one that I want. You're what I need. Oh yes indeed.
Hyde: Oh Jackie. You're so much cooler than that skank I was with before. Please take me back. Cause we belong together like ba-baba-looba-she-walla-shebang-shebang.
Donna, Fez, Eric, & Kelso: Oh! The whole gang is back together again! We did it!

Jackie's Grease fantasy is over.

Kelso: Are you going to sing? Cause I've heard you sing, and you're not going to sing, are you?
Jackie: No. But I'm going to get Steven back whatever it takes. And I'm going to get me a pair of those black satin pants cause I look good in those!

Eric and Donna come into the basement to find Kitty lying on the couch sleeping amidst piles of laundry.

Eric: Mom?
Kitty: Fabric softener! I'm up!
Donna: Mrs. Forman, are you OK?
Kitty: Oh, sure, I'm... Oh God! I'm late for work.
Eric: You're working tonight?
Kitty: Well, honey, nights can be our busiest time! Lots of people stroke out after a big, salty dinner.
Eric: But you worked all day.
Kitty: OK. There's food in the- oh, who am I kidding? There's no food.

Kitty runs upstairs.

Eric: They can't do this to me. They cannot do this to me. I got to get out of here. Of all the people in the history of the world that have had to get anywhere, is me having to get the hell out of here!! I have to go!! I have to stay. Donna, I'm sorry.
Donna: Sorry? Eric, I think it's amazing that you'd do that for your family. And you know, we'll see each other on weekends.
Eric: Oh, so you're still going?
Donna: Yeah, I mean, yeah.
Eric: Yeah. No. Of course.
Donna: Oh, come on. I think I have something that might make you feel better.
Eric: Hey, um? Can we just like, could we just sit for a while?
Donna: Yeah, sure.

Fez comes out of the curtains behind the couch.

Fez: Sit for a while? If I hadn't found this bacon, I'd be really pissed off!

Donna and Eric are hanging out at the Hub with Hyde and Raquel.