Kitty: Good morning! I have terrible news.
Red: Are we out of bacon?
Kitty: No. I was outside-
Red: Remember that time we were out of bacon?
Eric: Do I. It only tore this family apart.
Kitty: Listen to me!! Midge left Bob.
Eric: Are you sure? I mean, maybe she's just lost in the backyard.
Kitty: This is serious. I was up early and I saw Midge getting into her car with a suitcase. And I said where are you going Midge, because I'm concerned, not nosy! And she said to me, I am leaving Bob and I am never coming back. And I said OK. And then, I, I, I laughed like I do when I'm uncomfortable? A-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Eric: But, what about Donna? I mean, what are they going to do?
Kitty: Well, OK. They are going to depend on the kindness of their friends and neighbors, which is why we need to go over there, as a family, to comfort them.
Eric: Yikes.
Red: I don't think so.
Kitty: Why not?
Eric: Well, it just seems like it'd be, like there'd be, an awful lot of...
Red: Crying.
Eric: Yeah.
Red: So no.
Eric: Yeah. No.
Kitty: Well, fine. Then, I will go myself.
Red: Hey. Where are you going with my food?
Kitty: To Bob and Donna. When your wife or mother leaves you, you need a good breakfast!
Red: I need a good breakfast.
Kitty: Well, I didn't leave you! Eat a Pop-Tart!

Kitty is over at Bob and Donna's serving breakfast.

Bob: I woke up, her bag was packed, and she left. Didn't even say where she was going.
Kitty: On the other hand, we have pancakes with egg eyes, and bacon smiley faces!
Donna: The hash brown hair is nice.
Bob: I can't believe she would just take off without even a hint or a warning.
Donna: Dad! She was always saying I'm unhappy and I'm going to leave.
Bob: Honey, that's just what married people say.
Donna: Did she say where she was going?
Kitty: She said she was going to California to, to be a star on Broadway. So.
Bob: Oh, Midgey. She may not have been smart, but she sure was sweet. And built too, boy.
Donna: OK! Thanks, Mrs. Forman, but I'm really not hungry.
Bob: Oh. What a nightmare.
Kitty: She was unhappy, Bob.
Bob: No. She took the Eldorado.

OPENING CREDITS

The guys are hanging out with Eric in the basement.

Kelso: So Midge just took off?
Fez: Ah. Poor Donna.
Eric: Yeah. This is really bad.
Hyde: Yeah. Not only did Donna lose her mom, we all lost Midge's sweet, uptown rack.
Fez: Oh. Good God, man. What a marvelous set of kittens. Remember that sweater?
Kelso: Yeah. Remember that other sweater?
Eric: Yeah. Remember that time she ran up to us in a sweater?
Hyde: Remember that week she took up jump rope? In a sweater?

There are a couple of scenes of Midge jumping up and down, running, and jumping rope. Kitty comes in the basement, and sees the guys all staring off into space.

Kitty: Eric! What are you boys thinking about so hard?
Eric: Nothing.
Hyde: Homework.
Kelso: Jesus.
Fez: Kittens.
Kitty: OK. Um, Eric. I need you to take a casserole to the Pinciotti's, so run upstairs and put on a nice, clean shirt, and a sport coat.
Eric: What? No. I'm not going over there. Donna and I broke up, and things are weird with us.
Kitty: Well, that's too bad. Because I went over there and Bob's a crier. And a hugger. And when you get caught in a crying Bob hug, there is no escape, and I cannot go back over there!!
Fez: You know, I like to be hugged by Bob. Makes me feel safe.

Kitty and Red are standing on the porch, and they see Bob taking out the trash.

Kitty: OK. OK. OK. There he is. Go talk to him.
Red: No Kitty. It's a personal matter, and I-

Kitty slams the sliding door.

Red: OH! That's mature!
Bob: Oh. Hey there, Red.
Red: Hi Bob.
Bob: What a day, huh? What a day to be alive, I feel great.
Red: You do. Well then. I can go back inside. Bye!
Bob: Midgey's been on me for weeks to weed the garden. I'm finally getting around to it, so when she comes back, she's going to see that I did it.
Red: You think she's coming back?
Bob: Well, why shouldn't she? I did all the right things. We had an open marriage, experimented with drugs. I even threw nudist parties.

The guys are talking about Midge.

Kelso: All right. Let's not get bummed out, guys. OK? There are a lot of hot, older women out there besides Midge. And, and they deserve our respect, cause they can teach us stuff!
Fez: Yes. I would love to make love to an 80 year old. They must know everything. Not just about sex, but history and trivia too.
Hyde: Yeah. The young ones are too timid. But the older ones. They know we'll break.
Fez: How could it break? It is invincible.
Kelso: Yeah. And plus, they're like grateful, you know? So they'll do it with like, almost anybody.
Fez: Well, that's me. Let's find Fez a dirty housewife to love.
Kelso: Yeah, man. I'm in. Hyde?
Hyde: I don't know guys. I was going to go watch Donahue. What do you think the chances are of Fez getting burned?
Kelso: Pretty good.
Fez: Damn good.
Hyde: Then I am in.

Eric goes over to the Pinciotti's with a casserole.

Eric: Hey.
Donna: Hey.
Eric: So, look I'm really sorry about your mom. And uh, I mean, are you OK?
Donna: I don't know. It's weird.
Eric: Yeah. You know, it won't make you feel any better, but for some reason, I brought you a casserole. I mean, why is it that every time something bad happens, grownups always think you need food. You know? You lost your job? Congratulations, you get a bucket of chicken. I mean, the last thing you want is to...

Donna is eating the casserole.

Donna: Are these crushed potato chips?
Eric: Look. Donna, look. I know we broke up. But I still, you know. I still care about you.

Donna throws the casserole down and starts kissing Eric.

Eric: OK. OK. So...

Eric pushes everything off the table.

Donna: Eric. In the bedroom?
Eric: Oh yeah. I knew that. I'll just. I'm going to...

Kelso and Hyde are getting ready to take Fez to see the older ladies.

Hyde: Is that a tennis getup?
Kelso: Yup.
Hyde: Yeah, I'm out.
Fez: What's his problem? This is the perfect outfit for picking up older ladies!
Kelso: Uh-huh. How's that?
Fez: Well. Everyone knows that horny, older ladies hang out at tennis clubs.
Kelso: Yeah. Well. See Fez, Point Place doesn't have a tennis club, or even a tennis court. We do have that concrete wall behind the gym, but people mostly use that just for smoking weed and beating up freshmen.
Fez: And foreign exchange students.
Kelso: You were new! OK? No. You know, where we got to go to get the ladies is the grocery store.
Fez: Ah, the Piggly Wiggly? I love the Piggly Wiggly. They have candy.
Kelso: Yeah. And older ladies.
Fez: And candy.
Kelso: Yeah, but the important thing is the older ladies.
Fez: And candy.
Kelso: All right, Fez. What do you want? The older ladies, or the candy?!
Fez: Fine! You win. The older ladies.
Kelso: Thank you.
Fez: And candy.

Donna and Eric have just slept together.

Eric: It was the sport coat, right?

Donna starts kissing Eric.

Eric: Again?
Donna: Yes, please.
Eric: So, you don't want to cuddle? That's cool.

Hyde and Red are sitting in the living room talking to Kitty.

Kitty: Bob thinks Midge is coming back? That is the saddest thing I ever heard!
Red: Oh come on, Kitty! Let him think it. Who does it hurt?
Kitty: It hurts Bob!
Red: Who else does it hurt?
Hyde: Heh-heh-heh.
Kitty: Steven. Red. Bob has to grieve so the healing can begin.
Red: Huh, but Kitty. Then he'll grieve all over me.
Hyde: Hey. Remember that time Bob ate a bad taco and grieved all inside your car?
Red: Thank you! Case closed.
Kitty: Why would you bring that up?!
Hyde: Uh. Sorry Mrs. Forman. It's just that it was gross. So I think about it a lot.
Eric: Hi kids. Good to see you. Good to see you. Someone is looking lovely today, Mom.
Hyde: What's with you man?
Eric: Oh, I guess a little thing like getting back together with your old gal puts a spring in a man's step!
Kitty: You and Donna are back together? That is wonderful! So did you talk things through?
Eric: No.
Kitty: Then how do you know you're back together?
Eric: Yeah. We talked things through.
Hyde: Talked? Or grunted?
Eric: Stifle.
Kitty: Oh! OK. Well good.
Hyde: I'm going to need details.
Eric: Oh, there will be details a plenty. In my steamy letter to Penthouse. OK. My mom's still behind me, isn't
she?

Hyde and Eric are talking about what happened. They are sitting in the Forman's basement. In a different frame, Jackie and Donna are talking about what happened. They are sitting at the Pinciotti's house.

Jackie & Hyde: So you guys did it?
Donna: Twice.
Eric: Five times.
Hyde: Nice.
Jackie: Ick!
Jackie & Hyde: And you're back together.
Eric: Oh yeah.
Donna: God, no.
Eric: It was like, magic.
Donna: Uh, I feel sick.
Eric: Yup, we're back together. And Hyde, more than this, much more than this. Singing: I did it my way.
Donna: I'm sure he's forgotten all about it.
Eric, singing: And there were times, I'm sure you knew when I bit off much, much more than I could chew, but through it all, when there was doubt.

Kelso and Fez are at the Piggly Wiggly.

Kelso: Man, back when I was cheating on Jackie, I used to meet a ton of older ladies here.
Joyce: Hello Michael.
Kelso: Hey Joyce.
Fez: That's Coach Ferguson's wife!
Kelso: Yeah. She's lonely. She drinks.
Fez: Oh, you're a Piggly Wiggly god!
Kelso: Yeah.

Fez spots a lady bending over to get something out of the freezer bin.

Fez: Ooh, la, la.
Kelso: Go make your move, man!

Fez hesitates, so Kelso grabs the woman's butt and quickly runs.

Woman: AAH!

The woman turns around, and it is Kitty.

Fez: Aye, no.

Red is trying to hang out with Bob without getting annoyed.

Bob: After I painted Midgey's bathroom pink, sprinkled a little lavender water in her toilet, like she likes, I went out and got these chocolates. I hope she likes them. I guess we'll find out when she comes back, huh?
Red: Bob, she... I... Oh, Bob. You poor, dumb, son of a bitch.
Bob: That's mean.
Red: Bob. She's not coming back.
Bob: Yes she is.
Red: No, she's not.
Bob: Yes she is.
Red: No. She's not.
Bob: Yes she is.
Red: No! She's not!
Bob: Yes she is!!
Red: Fine!! These chocolates are for Midge, Bob??! They're for Midge??! Fine!! Let's give them to Midge!! Here you go, Midge!!
Bob: You're throwing away Midgey's chocolates.
Red: And why would I do that, Bob?
Bob: Cause you're mean!
Red: And why else?
Bob: She's not coming back, is she? I knew that.
Red: Listen, you want to go and get a beer?
Bob: Yeah. Yeah. You're a good friend. I might cry.
Red: And I might hit you.

Kelso and Fez are in the Forman's kitchen talking to Kitty.

Kitty: Michael. How could you bring poor, sweet Fez to the Piggly Wiggly? There are a lot of footloose women in that store! Do you know Joyce Ferguson?
Kelso: No. That's a lie!
Kitty: What?
Kelso: What?
Kitty: What?
Kelso: What?
Kitty: And you! Grabbing strange rear ends is no way to meet a nice girl! It's rude, un-gentlemanly behavior that will not be appreciated by a woman of class! And thank you for the compliment. It made my day.
Fez: You know what I just noticed? Mrs. Forman is hot.
Kelso: Yeah. She's a cutie. Firm. Hey, maybe we should get her a sweater for Christmas.

Donna and Hyde are talking about what happened between her and Eric. They are sitting in the Pinciotti's house. Jackie and Eric are talking about what happened between him and Donna. They are sitting in the Forman's basement.

Jackie: She actually doesn't want to be with you at all! Isn't that hilarious?
Hyde: Yeah. He thinks you're back together. It's really sad.
Donna & Eric: Hold on. What?
Jackie: Look. She said she would have done it with anybody.
Eric: No. No. Donna wouldn't say that.
Donna: I mean, it was like I would have done it with anybody!
Hyde: Anybody? Damn! I was just over there watching stupid Donahue!! Hey, let's do it right now.
Donna: Eric's going to be so mad.
Jackie: Are you mad?
Eric: So mad.
Hyde: Yeah. I'm just kidding about the do it stuff. I'm sorry about your mom.
Donna: Thanks.
Eric: You know what? That's it. She can't use me like this. I'm going over there to yell at her right now! With, yelling!
Hyde: Seriously, let's do it right now.

Eric goes to the Pinciotti's, very wound up.

Eric: OK. Listen. You need to tell me what the hell you think you're doing!!
Donna: Well, my mom left us. So I'm boxing up her clothes because I can't look at them anymore! And, I'm sorry for needing you, but I did. So if you have something to say to me, just say it!
Eric: Thank you!! I did have something to say!! And it was good! But that was before you said your mom stuff, and your sad clothes stuff, and now my sex stuff just sounds sucky, so...
Donna: Look, I'm sorry if you felt that we...
Eric: No. No. I'm sorry. Let's just. What, what, do you need some help or something?
Donna: Yeah. Thanks.
Eric: Oh my God. Oh my God. This is mine. Midge borrowed it and she never gave it back. I bet my bra's here too.

Bob and Red are at the bar.