Eric: So Mr. Hammond said it was fine for me to miss class cause I'm already getting an A, so just as you suspected, Mom, I am better than everybody.
Kitty: All I know is my little boy was very brave at the dentist today. Wasn't he? Yes, he was! My wittle snicklefwitz!
Eric: OK, Mom? When a boy reaches a certain age, the baby voice no longer comforts him. It urges him to kill.

Donna stumbles in to The Hub, knocking over a chair. Casey is behind her.

Donna: Shh.
Casey: OK, let's get you some coffee. Nobody pukes in the Trans Am.
Donna: Huh! Mrs. Forman. Uh oh, you look mad. What did Eric do? Bad Eric!!
Kitty: Donna? Why aren't you in school?
Casey: No worries. I called her in sick, told them "lady troubles." No questions asked.
Eric: Hey, easy there, Wobbles.
Kitty: Have you been drinking?!
Donna: Huh. I hope so. Cause if not, this whole place is a-spinning! Hang on boys, it's a twister!

OPENING CREDITS

Eric and the guys are sitting around smoking.

Eric: So my mom and I were at The Hub getting ice cream, and we caught Donna with Casey skipping school. And she was drunk, in the middle of the afternoon. It was like, it was like Sue Ellen on Dallas.
Hyde: You went to The Hub for ice cream with your mommy? Why would you tell me that?
Fez: Hyde, the point is he went for ice cream without us. You cannot pick up a phone?!
Kelso: You know who can't pick up a phone? Jackie. I broke up with her, and she never calls to even say "hi" or offer me sad but hot breakup sex. I mean, that's just selfish!
Eric: You guys, my mom's over at the Pinciotti's right now, telling Bob about Donna being drunk. Can't do that kind of stuff in the middle of the afternoon. It'll mess with your, your, your, your- thinking thing. You know what I'm saying!
Hyde: Yeah, you got to stay sharp, man. That's why I keep myself pure until 3:00. 2:00. That's why I keep myself pure until 2:00. I'm not wearing a watch.

Eric and Kelso are playing basketball.

Eric: Hey, you know what? Donna getting busted is actually great for me. Because now, she's got to realize what a jackass Casey is. And when she dumps him, I'll be standing right here with open arms and a gentle "I told you so." Oh yeah, that could happen. After all, I, I made that girl a woman.

Hyde and Fez come over, and Fez is holding a bucket.

Fez: We stole dead fish.
Kelso: Dead fish. What are you going to do with dead fish?
Hyde: You're missing the point, man! We stole dead fish!!
Fez: Ah, you just don't get it.

Hyde, Fez, and Eric leave and Kelso turns around to see Jackie standing in front of him.

Jackie: Hey.
Kelso: Hey. I miss you.
Jackie: I just came by-
Jackie & Kelso: What?
Jackie: Did you say you missed me?
Kelso: No.
Jackie: Look, just say you miss me!
Kelso: Fine! I miss you!
Jackie: Michael, I miss you too. And look, I was thinking, since we broke up because I kissed another guy, what if I let you kiss another girl? I mean, we could be even, and we could get back together.
Kelso: If you think that me kissing another girl is going to bring us closer together, I'm totally willing to make that sacrifice!
Jackie: Thank you, Michael.
Kelso: I better go wash my face.

Hyde and Fez are sitting on the porch.

Fez: Ah, this fish is so stinky. What the hell are we going to do with the stinky?
Hyde: Simple, man. We're going to find a place to hide the stinky. And ruin someone's day. Now, the question is, where, how, who? The answer is that, there, and Kelso!
Fez: Oh, it's like a bowl. A bowl for the stinky. And we will put it, and he'll never find it. And it will smell forever!

At the Pinciotti's, Donna is getting lectured by Bob.

Bob: What the hell's going on with you?! You're grounded!! No arguments!!
Donna: Dad!! I'm not grounded!!
Bob: OK, well, then whatever you think is best.
Joanne: No! Not whatever she thinks is best! You are grounded.
Donna: You're not my mother!! You have no say in what I do!!
Bob: Well, she's got you there.

Jackie and Kelso are at The Hub, where Kelso is trying to find a girl to kiss.

Kelso: Let's see, which chick do I want to kiss?
Jackie: Oh, no, no, no, Michael. I get to pick the girl.
Kelso: But you'll pick an uggo.
Jackie: You didn't call no uggos.
Kelso: Hey, I just thought of something. Your plan's good and all, but what if the girl you pick doesn't want to kiss me? Doesn't want to kiss me!

Bob is at the Forman's house discussing Donna.

Bob: And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said "no!"
Kitty: She said no?
Eric: Can you do that?
Red: No.
Bob: I need your help, Red. I got to get Donna away from that guy.
Eric: Oh, Dad, you know what's good? Threaten her with the old foot in the ass.
Kitty: How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a big scar or an eye patch so you can recognize them!
Bob: The problem is, you know, there's a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them!
Eric: There is?
Red: No! Now stop listening! Bob, I don't want to get involved. I got enough problems with the fourteen kids who think they live here now.

Fez and Hyde are putting the dead fish in Kelso's car.

Fez: Why do I have to hold the fish?
Hyde: Because that's what the little buddy does! Oh, oh, someone's coming.

Donna and Casey are talking in between her house and Eric's.

Casey: So the guy's trying to tell me that his Z28 is the same car as my Trans Am except for the decals.
Donna: How can people be so ignorant?

Bob comes out of the Forman's house.

Bob: I see you, Donna. I see you.
Donna: Dad!
Bob: Don't you "Dad!" me! You're not going anywhere, not with this guy! You're grounded again!
Donna: Dad! I'm going to do whatever I want with whoever I want whenever I want to do it!
Bob: We have to have a talk right now, Donna!
Casey: Sir, let me just say that you're making a lot of sense here. And I think that when I bring Donna home tonight, you two ought to sit down and really hammer this thing out.
Bob: OK, that sounds fair.
Eric: You're just going to let her go off with him?
Bob: What else can I do?
Red: Oh good God! That's it! Everybody in the living room! Now! Not you. Bob! Get in here!

Red is lecturing Donna.

Red: Donna, what has gotten into you? Skipping school, showing no respect for your father.
Bob: That's right!
Red: Shut up, Bob.
Kitty: OK! Here's snacks. Oh, um, anybody need a drink?
Casey: I'll take a rum and Coke for the road.
Eric: Hey, hey, buddy? A little tip. I think booze is what got you in trouble in the first place!
Red: How could you take this girl out drinking in the middle of the day?!
Casey: Well, you know how it is. All the older girls were at work.
Eric: Can I just say this guy is not boyfriend material.
Bob: I agree. You're not going out with him anymore. You two are done!
Donna: No!!
Casey: All right.
Donna: Wait, what?!
Casey: You got to admit, this has been a real hassle. I mean, it was fun, and you're a great girl. But, let's just call it a day.
Eric: You're breaking up with her?
Donna: Casey, I thought you said you, you know, you said you loved me.
Casey: I have this thing where I say stuff I don't really mean.
Donna: Casey.
Casey: Look, Donna, I see what you're getting at. And I'm not that type of guy. Ms. Forman? What say we rain check that rum and Coke?

Casey leaves.

Eric: Donna, I'm, I'm really sorry.
Donna: You're not sorry. You got exactly what you wanted.

Donna leaves, smacking Kelso in the face with the kitchen door, which is where the rest of the gang were hiding trying to listen in.

Kitty brings Donna over.

Kitty: Eric, someone here to see you.
Eric: Hi.
Donna: Hi.
Kitty: OK, can I get anyone a snack?
Eric: Mom.
Kitty: Right, right. Have to stop doing that.
Eric: So, um, how are you?
Donna: Humiliated. I'm such an idiot. I got dumped in front of the whole world, and I don't even know what I said to your mom at The Hub, and I hate that she saw me like that. What is wrong with me?!
Eric: Hey, nothing. Look, your mom left, come on, you're allowed to freak out.
Donna: But everybody warned me about Casey and I fell for him anyway! And he's such a jackass!
Eric: Donna, I really, really wanted you to figure that out, just, not like this.
Donna: Eric, I'm just, I'm so sorry. I was so stupid. Eric, we should be together.
Eric: Wait. What?
Donna: Let's just, like, forget all this other stuff happened.
Eric: Wait, wait. Donna, I mean, if you come running back to me now, I, Donna I can't be your second choice.
Donna: But you're not! Eric.

Donna leaves, and Kitty stumbles in to the basement because she was listening at the foot of the outside stairs.

Kitty: Oh, where am I?

Jackie and Kelso are back at The Hub.

Kelso: How about I kiss her?
Jackie: No way! She's too tall, too tan, too rich.
Kelso: Well, damn Jackie! I don't want to kiss a short, pale, poor girl!
Jackie: OK, look, Michael, all I know is I don't want to stay broken up! Ugh. OK, you know what? You choose. Kiss any girl you want.
Kelso: I choose you.
Jackie: Michael, that is the most romantic thing I have ever read, heard about, or seen on TV.
Kelso: Yeah, it was pretty romantic. I could tell while I was doing it. What?
Jackie: No, it's just, look, one week you break up with me and then next week you're Prince Charming?
Kelso: I'm an incredibly complex man, Jackie.
Jackie: Michael! I can't do this anymore! Look, Michael, if you want to choose me, then choose me. I mean really choose me. Let's get married.
Kelso: What?
Jackie: Michael, all our problems are because we haven't decided we're going to be together forever. So let's decide.
Kelso: Hold on. You want to get married?
Jackie: Yes, Michael! Yes, I accept! Oh my God! You know what? I got to go tell my dad! And you, you have to buy a ring. Just think about it. We are going to be the Burkhart-Kelsos!
Kelso: The who-hart what-nos?

Jackie runs over to the Forman's.

Jackie: Michael and I are getting married!
Hyde: Yeah, we heard, that's why we're decorating the van!
Fez: But, but not with fish. Ow!

Eric is talking to his parents.

Red: Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together and you said no.
Eric: I said no.
Red: You said no.
Kitty: Dumbass!
Eric: Look, I have my reasons, OK?
Kitty: What could they be?! What could they possibly be?!
Eric: Casey dumps her, and she comes to me? OK, I'm not a rebound.
Red: So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete. The only smart thing about you is your mouth! And look at you!
Kitty: Red, Red, he looks fine! He's just so darn stupid! I'm very upset.
Eric: Well, stop, OK? Because I already feel bad enough as it is.
Kitty: Well, you should!
Eric: Well, I do! I love her. God, why do I always have to screw these things up, you know?! Why does everything always have to be my way?! That's why we broke up in the first place.
Kitty: Well, we've all known that for a year!
Eric: OK, OK. I have to tell Donna how I feel.
Red: Then go!!
Kitty: Oh, Red.
Red: I know. We're never going to get him out of the house.

Eric is in Donna's house looking for her.

Eric: Donna? Oh hello, Mr. Pinciotti, Mrs... I'm sorry, Joanne, I don't know your last name. I have something to tell you guys. I love Donna.
Joanne: Well, she isn't here. We don't know where she is. And, it's Stupac.
Eric: Well, if it's OK. I'll just wait.
Bob: Sure. I always liked you.
Eric: Oh, well, thank you, sir.
Bob: But do me a favor. Don't play with her undergarments.

Kelso is walking around his van when Donna shows up.

Kelso: Something reeks! Man! Where are you going?
Donna: Bus station. I'm going to my mom's in California.
Kelso: Oh my God. You're running away.
Donna: I don't know what else to do.
Kelso: No, I know how you feel. Jackie wants to get married. To me.
Donna: What?
Kelso: Look, a lot of people don't know this about us, but Jackie's pretty much in charge. So it might happen. But it won't happen if I'm not here. You know what? I'll drive you. We'll both go to California.
Donna: Kelso! Are you up for this?
Kelso: Hey, if the Beverly Hillbillies can do it, so can I!
Donna: Great, let's go. Oh my God! What stinks?!
Kelso: This town, baby. We're leaving that smell behind!

Kelso tries to cop a feel when Donna is taking a nap.