Hyde: Hey.
Kelso: What are you doing?
Eric: Just counting my secret stash. I'm getting something special for Donna.
Kelso: Oh. Is it firecrackers?
Eric: No.
Kelso: No, no. Because if it's something that blows up, I'll go half-sies.
Eric: It's a promise ring. Because you know, Donna and I have been fighting a lot lately.
Hyde: Forman, you get mushy with Donna, she's going to see the secret girl inside the man. Now, trust me, you don't want to let Erica out.
Kelso: Hehe. Erica. That's a good burn. You can't do that with Michael. I'm lucky.
Hyde: Oh. Really, Michelle?
Kelso: Oh, I forgot about Michelle. Look, Hyde obviously doesn't understand mature relationships. But I do. And a promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthing off. I'm getting one for Jackie too.
Eric: Great. Let's go.
Kelso: All right. See you later, Hydea... alicia. What's a good girly name for Hyde?
Eric: Uh. Hyde..drangea?
Hyde: It's Heidi, you morons! Heidi!

Eric and Kelso are standing in an alley.

Eric: OK, is it me, or is this not a ring store?
Kelso: Will you trust me? I know a guy who knows a guy. He'll be here any minute.
Leo: Hey dudes.
Eric: Leo's the guy? Kelso, I thought you knew a guy who knew a guy.
Kelso: Yeah, I do.
Eric: But I know Leo.
Kelso: Fine, so you're the guy!
Eric: So, Leo. You sell promise rings?
Leo: Promise rings, concert tees, other stuff.
Eric: Really.
Kelso: That's nice.
Eric: Yeah. OK, we'll take two rings, and a misdemeanor's worth of the other stuff.

OPENING CREDITS

The guys are sitting in the circle.

Eric: Ah, the ring of love. Just holding it makes me feel mellow and content. Actually, that might not be the ring.
Fez: Why is everybody but Fez in love? If I don't get myself some romance soon, I'm going to give myself a blister. Well, another blister.
Hyde: Tell you what, Fez. I'm going to take you cruising for chicks in the El Camino. And, I'm going to let you buy the gas. And, buy my dinner. And, if we meet a chick, I'm going to let you walk home.
Kelso: Guys? What if Jackie doesn't want a ring from a guy like me? I mean, sure, I'm good looking, but I can't be trusted!
Eric: No. You guys are the perfect couple. You do the bad stuff, and she tries to catch you. She's Smoky to your Bandit. God, it's like that movie applies to everything!
Kelso: I just, I wish there was a way I could give Jackie a thing that wasn't actually the ring. Like a test gift just to see what she would say and then if it went bad I could just walk away. Hey, am I talking in rhyme? I wish I could do that all the time. Oh man!

Donna and Eric are hanging out on the hood of the Vista Cruiser.

Eric: That was fun, huh? It was a good movie. It was one of those love movies like you like, huh? And who took you? This guy.
Donna: Yeah, it was great.
Eric: You know what else this guy did for you? Got you a present.
Donna: To Donna. Love This Guy.
Eric: That's me.
Donna: Oh my God!
Eric: It's a promise ring.
Donna: Eric, it's, it's beautiful.
Eric: I'm so glad you like it. Cause look, even though things have been a little weird-
Kitty: Oh! Look how cute on the car!
Donna: Here. Look what Eric got me.
Kitty: Oh my, Red. Go get the camera.
Red: Kitty!
Eric: Mom, I...
Kitty: GO! It's in the drawer next to the cheese grater.
Eric: Mom, no.
Kitty: Hush! Now, Donna. Make the face you made when Eric gave you the ring. Oh now see, I don't think you rolled your eyes.

Donna is talking to Jackie about the ring.

Donna: Can you believe it? Isn't it pretty?
Jackie: Yeah. I really need to introduce you to my good friend, nail polish. And a promise ring is sacred, Donna. Why aren't you wearing it on your left ring finger?
Donna: I don't know. Cause I like it on this finger. What's the difference?
Jackie: Donna. If you don't wear your promise ring on your left ring finger, it totally cancels out the promise that you'll be together forever.
Donna: Wait, that's what I promised?
Fez: Hey ladies! Oh, nice ring Donna. Jackie, let me see yours.
Jackie: I don't have one.
Fez: No, of course not. Because Kelso has not given you one yet. I mean ever, I mean, look away.
Jackie: Donna, did you hear that?! Michael's giving me a promise ring!
Donna: Yeah, it's great.
Jackie: I wonder how he's going to give it to me. I hope he hides it in food. I told him if he ever gives me something nice, he should put it in food. It's classy.

Hyde and Fez are cruising the town.

Hyde: All right man, be cool. Those chicks are checking us out.
Fez: Cool. Gotcha. Hello, ladies!
Hyde: No man! That's not how you do it! You got to be aloof!
Fez: Did you just call me a loof? Because if so, I have to kick you in your nads!
Hyde: No man. Aloof. Distant. Zen.
Fez: Well, that's not what loof means in my language!
Hyde: Look, I don't care what you think it means, that's what it means here.
Fez: You're the loof.
Hyde: Fez, it's not-
Fez: I said loof!

Kelso is hanging out with Jackie at the Hub.

Kelso: Hey sweetie. I got you something. It's a gift. A token of my love. Do you accept it?
Jackie: A sundae? Huh! Oh.
Kelso: Yeah.
Jackie: MMM! Michael, this is good!
Kelso: Uh, you could, uh, uh, you could close your mouth if you want.
Jackie: What the hell, Michael?! This is ice cream. Stupid ice cream.
Kelso: No, it's stupid ice cream of love.

The guys are playing basketball when Donna comes over.

Eric: Oh, there you are. The movie's about to start. Come on! Where, where's your ring?
Donna: Oh! I put it on a chain so I could wear it around my neck.
Kelso: BURN! Oh! Super burn! The wedding's off!
Donna & Eric: Kelso, shut up!
Jackie: Yeah, Michael, you don't know anything about anything!
Kelso: I do too!
Hyde: Now I don't know which fight is the funniest.
Eric: Wait, fight? We're, OK, I'll be right back. Donna, why aren't you wearing the ring on your hand?
Donna: I don't know. I didn't really think it was a big deal.
Jackie: That is not true! I told you. I told her it was a big deal.
Donna: Look, Eric. Why don't we talk about this later?
Eric: Well, I, you know, there's not really anything to talk about. Unless you don't want to wear the ring.
Kelso: OUCH! Sorry. I'm sorry.
Donna: It's great, the ring is great. See? It's great.
Eric: So. We're good?
Donna: Yeah! Fine.
Eric: OK. Good.
Kitty: It's my God-given right as a mother!

The whole gang, sans Eric and Donna, are looking at the picture Kitty took.

Fez: Oh, Mrs. Forman, that is a wonderful picture. You can really see how unhappy Donna is.
Jackie: OK. All I know is when Donna said she was fine, she didn't seem that fine.
Kitty: Eric has never been good at knowing when fine isn't fine. It runs in the family.
Red: No it does not!
Kitty: Fine!
Red: OK. Good.
Bob: I don't know. She doesn't look that unhappy. She kind of looks like you.
Midge: I'm unhappy, Bob.
Hyde: I'm just so worried about Eric and Donna. Ah, fine.

Donna is dreaming.

Monty Hall: Welcome to Let's Make a Deal! All right Donna. Which is it going to be? Your future behind Door Number One, Door Number Two or Door Number Three?
Donna: Oh God! I don't know! OK.
Monty Hall: Yeah?
Donna: Door Number Three.
Monty Hall: Door Number Three. OK. Let's look at what you didn't choose behind Door Number One. It's a leather jacket and a typewriter which you could have used when you became a globe-trotting, rock and roll journalist!
Donna: Wow. That would have been nice.
Monty Hall: Yeah. Too bad. All right. Let's take a look at what was behind Door Number Two. The US Constitution, which would come in handy when you became the first woman president.
Donna: Oh, Monty, these prizes are bitching!
Monty Hall: Yeah, truly bitching. Now let's take a look at what you did choose behind Door Number Three. It's your boyfriend and a promise ring!
Eric: I love you!

Hyde and Fez are at the Hub.

Fez: Hyde, when I cruise a girl, how long do I have to talk to her before she will French me?
Hyde: Oh, that depends on what kind of girl you're cruising for. Which is why I'm going to aim low. Real low. Just this side of gross.
Jackie: Where is Michael Kelso?! I want my ring!
Fez: He's in the toilet. Jackie, wait! Wait. Kelso wants to give you the ring, but he's scared.
Jackie: Why is he scared?
Hyde: Because you're scary.
Fez: No, because Kelso is delicate. Sensitive.
Hyde: Girlish, even.
Fez: You cannot push him into this. You got to be gentle. He'll do it when he's ready.
Jackie: Where's my ring, you idiot?! Look, you. I want my promise ring and I want it now. Give it!
Kelso: Really? OK, just wait, cause I just want to do this right. Jackie, from the first minute that I saw you, I knew that I wanted to fool around with you. And then, after we did that, and I still wanted to talk to you, I knew that I never wanted to be without you. So, will you accept my ring?
Jackie: Yeah. Yeah, Michael, I will.
Hyde: Oh God.
Fez: I know.

Hyde and Fez go over to visit Eric.

Hyde: Hey, what's up?
Eric: So, how was cruising?
Fez: Unsettling. When a girl is in a car, you can only see her from the neck up. Talk about the tip of the iceberg.
Hyde: Where's Donna?
Eric: Ah, she said she had to study.
Hyde: Oh. So everything is cool?
Eric: OK. Look. I don't know what everyone thinks is going on, but Donna and I are not only fine, we're great. Everything is finally settled, so we're happier than ever.
Hyde: Well, one of you is.
Eric: What is that supposed to mean?
Hyde: I get what you're trying to do. You know, you're trying to lock her up. Seal the deal. And all I'm saying is, maybe Donna's not that kind of girl.
Eric: OK. You don't always know as much as you think, Hyde. So you need to just shut up.
Fez: Now that man is a loof.

Eric goes to find Donna, and she is sitting on the Vista Cruiser.

Eric: Hey. What are you doing out here?
Donna: Um, I wanted to talk to you. Look, this is going to be hard. Um, Eric, I love you. A lot. But I have to give you your ring back.
Eric: Why?
Donna: OK. How do you see the next twenty years?
Eric: I don't know. I guess I always figured we'd go to college together, and come home...
Donna: Yeah, but Eric, you know that's not what I want. I mean, I've told you that. And who knows? I might want to go to school back east or maybe in Paris.
Eric: OK, well you know what, Donna? Whatever. OK? The important thing is when you see yourself in Paris or wherever, I'm there, right? Right?
Donna: I don't know. Not always. I mean, it's not like there's anyone else, but sometimes I'm by myself. I mean, all I mean is, I don't know. Neither of us does. And this ring is just a stupid high school promise. If we're meant to be together, then we'll end up together!
Eric: No! The way we end up together is by saying we'll be together, and then being together.
Donna: Eric, come on! We're together now. Isn't that enough?
Eric: NO! I mean, I mean, damn, Donna! If you can see a future for yourself without me, and that doesn't like break your heart, then we're not doing what I thought we were doing here, and you know what? Maybe we shouldn't even be together at all!
Donna: Wait a minute. Are you breaking up with me?
Eric: Well, are you giving back that ring?
Donna: Yes.
Eric: Then, yes.

Eric is talking to Leo in the alley.