Eric: Hey.
Donna: Hi.
Eric: What are you doing?
Donna: Oh, just writing in my journal.
Eric: Like, in Star Trek? Captain's Log. Stardate. 1978. God, I'm so hot. Beautiful red hair, and giant jugs seem to drive all life forms wild.
Donna: Oh my God, Eric! That's exactly what I was writing! I'm going to go make some popcorn and get us some sodas.
Eric: My beautifully sculpted hind quarters flounce downstairs to procure nourishment.
Donna: Shut up.
Eric: OK.
Donna's Journal: Eric. Eric.
Eric: Yes, Donna's journal?
Donna's Journal: I am the book of secrets, Eric. Don't you want to know what she really thinks about you? Read me.
Eric: You know, I really shouldn't.
Donna's Journal: Suit yourself. La-ta-ti. But beware! What you learn here cannot be unlearned.
Eric: OK. You want me to read you, or not?
Donna's Journal: Sorry.
Donna's Voice: Eric and I went to second base tonight. He was hilarious. The prom is going to be magical. I think tonight I'm finally going to sleep with Eric. Which is like Woodstock, but for vans. Anyway, I think I'm finally going to sleep with Eric. I love him so much. Tonight, I'm finally going to sleep with Eric!
Eric: OK, let's just skip to the last page.
Donna's Voice: I had the weirdest dream about Eric last night. He was Eric, but he was also Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. And he looked really wicked and dangerous.
Eric: Yeah! Wicked and dangerous.
Donna's Voice: Which is so not Eric. Sometimes I wish he were like that.
Donna's Journal: Quick, put me down! Someone's coming!
Eric: Hi! Hello! How are you? I didn't do anything. You look pretty.

OPENING CREDITS

Eric is feeling guilty about reading Donna's journal, which causes him to act really weird.

Eric: Hey, glad you're back. I missed you so.
Donna: Did you read my journal?
Eric: What journal?
Donna: You know. My Captain's Log.
Eric: No! Oh no! I was just um, I was, uh, going through your underwear drawer. Yeah, I know. That's why I look so guilty. Because I was uh, like, you know, taking out your underwear, and um, rubbing it against my skin. I can't stay away from your underwear, that's my curse. So anyway, see you tomorrow.

Jackie and Kelso are watching TV. Kelso is asleep on Jackie's shoulder.

Jackie: Gong him! Gong him! Gong him! Yes!!
Kelso: This isn't going to work, Jackie.
Jackie: What, Michael?
Kelso: This isn't going to work, Jackie.
Jackie: What? What isn't going to work?
Kelso: I'm sorry, but you and...
Fez: They're here! They're here!
Kelso: What?! What?!
Jackie: Oh my God! Michael, what did you say?!
Kelso: I don't know, I just said what.
Fez: My X-ray specs are here. According to the ad in the Richie Rich comic, with these, you can see through a lady's clothes. OK, Jackie, prepare to be ogled. Swindled again.

Red comes into the kitchen after injuring himself.

Red: Kitty, where's the band-aids? I cut my thumb with a hacksaw.
Kitty: Oh, Red. You know those things are dangerous.
Red: Well, I tried cutting the metal pipe with a flower, but it was real slow going.
Kitty: Well, seeing as how you're being all snarky anyway, I may as well tell you. Pastor Dave is coming to dinner tonight.
Red: Not tonight! There's a Packer Report on tonight! They're doing a tribute to Vince Lombardi!
Kitty: Red, you know I am trying to get more involved with the church, so he is coming.
Red: But Kitty, if Pastor Dave comes over, we'll never get rid of him. He'll just go on and on about how great God is.
Kitty: Well, He is.

Jackie is afraid of what Kelso said in his sleep.

Jackie: He said, this isn't going to work, Jackie. What if Michael secretly wants to break up? I need to get him to sleep again. What if his unconscious mind knows something his conscious mind doesn't?
Donna: Well, let's hope so.
Jackie: Well, at least he's not as boring as Eric.
Donna: We're not talking about Eric! We're talking about Kelso. Untrustworthy, two-timing, sneaks around behind your back and reads your journal Kelso.
Jackie: OK, Donna? I'm sensing we're not talking about me and Michael anymore. So, bye! Ow! Don't pinch me, you lumberjack! Ow.
Donna: Jackie, I think Eric read my private journal.
Jackie: Is this about the dream where you wished Eric was Steven Tyler?

Red and Kitty are having dinner with Pastor Dave.

Pastor Dave: Hey, you know who I really love?
Red: Jesus.
Pastor Dave: Well, yes. But I was going to say Vince Lombardi.
Red: You're a Packer man?
Pastor Dave: I bleed cheese.
Red: Well, I'm not sure, but I think there may be a Packer Report on tonight.
Pastor Dave: I think you might be right. And I think it could start in eight and a half minutes.
Red: Well, then, what do you say we choke our dinners down, get our asses on the couch?
Pastor Dave: Amen!
Kitty: Red, can you help me in the kitchen, please? Right now, please. Red, this night is not about football. This night is about company.
Red: And our company wants to watch the Parker Report. He spends his life doing the Lord's work. And if you would deny this holy, little man that simple pleasure, then God have mercy on your soul!
Kitty: Can it Red. Bring him his food.
Red: You got six minutes.
Pastor Dave: I'm eating!
Kitty: Red, where is your band-aid?
Red: Oh, I don't know. I had it on a second ago. Must have come off while I was serving the-
Pastor Dave: Done!

Eric, Hyde, and Fez are hanging out with Leo.

Eric: Leo, thanks for letting us hang out here. I just, I didn't want to see Donna after what she wrote.
Hyde: Forman! No one cares.
Leo: That's true, man. Listen, you guys know I don't allow alcohol in my house. So you're just going to have to drink sake instead.
Fez: Sake it to me, Leo!
Hyde: Don't start with the sake jokes, Fez!
Fez: Oh, put a sake in it!
Eric: Well, this would be fun if I wasn't so miserable.
Hyde: Look, Forman. We're happy to sit here and drink these tiny, allegedly alcoholic drinks. But we don't want to hear you bitch about Donna all night.
Eric: Don't worry, Hyde. I don't feel like talking about Donna. You see, the thing about Donna is...
Hyde: Here we go.
Eric: She acts like everything is all cool. OK? And then, all of a sudden, I'm no Steven Tyler!
Fez: Oh, Eric. Give it up for heaven's sake.
Leo: You're still the king, man.
Eric: Man, I thought we were past the phase where we had to impress each other.
Hyde: You are. Now you're in the she dumps you for a biker with a wicked tattoo phase. The most entertaining of all phases.
Eric: Oh my God. Oh my God. Hyde, that's it! A tattoo's dangerous! Yeah, there's a place next to the liquor store! I could go get one right now!
Leo: No way, man! We're not going to let you go to some sleazy tattoo parlor and spend money on something you'll regret for the rest of your life. I'll tattoo you for free, man! I'm pretty sure I used to do this for a living.
Eric: How cool am I? A tattoo of my girlfriend's name. How's that for dangerous?
Leo: I think Debbie's really going to like this.
Eric: Wait. Debbie? No, Donna.
Leo: Right. OK, no problem. I can fix it.
Eric: Fix what?!
Leo: Relax. Debbie will never notice it.
Eric: It's Donna!
Leo: See, now you moved, man! It's OK, I can make that into a flower.
Fez: You know what you should get? Boobs. Big boobs on your butt.
Hyde: That's classy.
Leo: Hey, I could turn the B's into boobs.
Eric: Wait. What B's?!
Leo: Like in Debbie?! Your girlfriend?!
Eric: It's Donna!
Leo: Oh, right. Oh, I can fix that.

Kelso goes to visit Jackie.

Kelso: Hey, Jackie.
Jackie: Hey, Michael. I'm really glad you're here. OK, time to go to sleep!
Kelso: Oh, sleep. Whoa. I thought we were going to do it.
Jackie: Michael, I invited you over for a sleep over, not a do-it over. OK? I told you, we're going to wait until we're ready. So uh, go to sleep.
Kelso: What? No. Jackie, I'm not tired. But you know. I always get tired right after.
Jackie: Yeah, you don't have to tell me, Michael. Huh! I know! We'll read out loud. Yeah! I'll be Nancy Drew, and you can be her pudgy friend Bess.
Kelso: Oh, damn it! I'm always Bess!

Red is playing out a football play with peanuts.

Red: And then, Mark Star fakes a hand-off to Andersen, and finds Dodler in the end zone for the winning touchdown!
Pastor Dave: Wow. On TV it seemed confusing. But with peanuts, it's all so clear!
Kitty: Red, um, can I see you in the kitchen for a minute, please?
Red: Yeah, just one second. Now you go ahead and set them up again, and I'll show you how the Packers won the Ice Bowl.
Pastor Dave: All right!
Kitty: OK, Red. Don't you think it's time your little friend went home?
Red: Kitty, I'm just being sociable like you asked! Just being a good host.
Kitty: Oh sure. All good hosts feed their guests band-aids!
Red: Band-aid, Kitty. Don't exaggerate.
Pastor Dave: OOOHHHHH!
Kitty: Oh my God!
Pastor Dave: Hospital, please!

Jackie is reading Nancy Drew with Kelso.

Jackie: And Nancy Drew and Bess left the police station and went to celebrate the solving of the crime with hot fudge sundaes. The End.
Kelso: Wow, Nancy's so smart. Read another one.
Jackie: Fine! OK. Nancy Drew and the Mysterious Chiming Clock. And they celebrated the solving of the mystery of the clock with hot fudge sundaes. The End. Guess who solved the mystery of why Bess was so pudgy.
Kelso: This isn't going to work, Jackie.
Jackie: What isn't going to work?
Kelso: I can't sleep with you staring at me!

Eric is dreaming.

Donna: Eric, how did you get so hot?
Eric: I got a tattoo.
Donna: Eric's perfect.

Eric wakes up.

Eric: Oh yeah, ow. Oh yeah.

Pastor Dave is back from the hospital.

Pastor Dave: So, are you telling me that you fed me a band-aid?
Kitty: Well, um, to be honest, Red fed you the band-aid.
Pastor Dave: How did this happen?
Kitty: Red? Why don't you diagram it for him with peanuts?
Red: Look, Dave. I'm real sorry. I didn't realize how sick a band-aid would make you.
Pastor Dave: Well, thank you for your belated honesty. But the doctor said I had food poisoning from an undercooked sausage.
Red: Food poisoning? That's Kitty's department!
Kitty: I have never undercooked a sausage in my life! I have a system. It's foolproof!
Red: It's OK. We all make mistakes.
Kitty: I! Vince Lombardi is overrated. That's right! He is overrated!
Red: Ignore her. She's hysterical!

Kelso is talking in his sleep again.

Kelso: This isn't going to work, Jackie.
Jackie: Us, Michael? Are we not going to work?
Kelso: No! The car. Jackie, the carburetor's busted.
Jackie: This was all because of a stupid car?
Kelso: We're going to have to take the bus to our wedding.
Jackie: Our wedding? Oh, Michael, that is so sweet! I love you, Michael Kelso.
Kelso: I love you too, Jackie Onassis.

Eric tries to kick Donna's door open, but ends up flinging himself against the wall.

Donna: Eric, what the hell?! Did you just kick my door?
Eric: No, but I got a surprise. I got a tattoo. Guess where? On my butt.
Donna: Why?
Eric: Because I'm dangerous, lady!
Donna: Eric, I want you to be honest with me and I promise I won't get mad. Did you read my journal?
Eric: Yeah.
Donna: You sneaky little dillhole!!
Eric: No! You know who's sneaky? People who go around writing their feelings in their journals and not telling their boyfriends what they feel! So you know what? I'm not sorry! I'm so sorry.
Donna: You want to know how I feel?! Fine! I'll tell you how I feel. Today at lunch I was looking at Eric when he didn't know it. And I just couldn't believe how much I love him and how lucky I am to be with him! Why couldn't you read that page?!
Eric: Because... you came back?! Look, Donna, look, I'm really sorry. But you know, it's just sometimes I get worried, you know?
Donna: You know what? Suck it up! Eric, these are my private thoughts, and I'm allowed to have them. You have to stop trying to be what you think I want you to be, and just like, be yourself!
Eric: OK, I think I'm going to go.
Donna: Well! Wait. Take off your pants.
Eric: All right!
Donna: No, to show me your tattoo!
Eric: I knew that.
Donna: Right, yeah.
Eric: I knew that. I think you're really going to like it. But just don't be mad if it says Debbie.
Donna: Woodstock.
Eric: It says Woodstock?
Donna: No, it's a picture of Snoopy's friend Woodstock. You have a little yellow bird on your ass!

Red has everyone lined up in the driveway to show Pastor Dave a football play.