Eric: Yup, that's right. One hundred bags of manure. Yeah, the wife and I are redoing the front lawn. And uh, tell you what. If I'm not there, just dump it all on the front porch. Bye bye.
Hyde: Yeah, man. Coach Jefferson is going to freak.
Eric: He just shouldn't have given me that D.
Fez: Oh no. Dick Tracy's trapped in a giant clam! Farewell, sweet Dick.
Hyde: A man being eaten by a giant clam. Now I'm not Sigmund Freud, but.
Kelso: Eric. The Omen's playing at the drive-in! You know what this means for us? It's make out city.
Eric: I really like you as a friend, Kelso, but can I bring a girl?
Kelso: Yeah! Man, it's going to be great. Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno.
Hyde: Really? Faster than that?
Kelso: Yeah. Now if only somebody could make a porno horror movie.
Eric: Oh, then there would be no stopping you!

Red comes down the stairs.

Red: Eric! Is that kid from uh, not America, down here?
Eric: Dad, it's Fez.
Red: Yeah, whatever. The Erdmans called, and they, they want him to. GO HOME!!! Kelso, stop saying porno.
Kelso: I didn't say it, Mr. Forman! Fez did!
Fez: You are a bitch.

OPENING CREDITS

Kitty comes in the kitchen with a magazine. Red is reading the newspaper.

Kitty: OK. You know what this is, Red?
Red: Some lady magazine.
Kitty: It's Cosmo.
Red: Oh.
Kitty: I'm going to tell you something, Red. I just took the "How Spontaneous is Your Relationship?" quiz, and you know what?
Red: What?
Kitty: We got three out of ten. And I cheated!
Red: Gee, I um, I can't help but notice that you're pouting.
Kitty: Oh, no, no. I'm not pouting. That would upset our routine. God knows I wouldn't want to move in a new direction and accidentally slip in a puddle of fun or anything!
Red: OK. Here's a thought. How about you and I treat ourselves to a night out? Just the two of us.
Kitty: Well, that would be great, Red.
Red: We'll go to Phillie's.
Kitty: Phillie's, huh? So you'll have the Salisbury steak, and I'll have the baked chicken, again.
Red: Well, maybe I won't have the Salisbury steak. I enjoy their ham.
Kitty: Oh, ham! Well, OK, then I can change one answer on the quiz, so, OK, we have four out of ten, we have moved up from "Predictable as the tides" to "Hum drum." I'll just go change.
Red: Damn Cosmo. Ooh.

Fez is getting lectured by his host parents.

Matthew: Son, when we took you in as an exchange student, you became our responsibility. And we're concerned about this gang of ruffians you hang out with.
Fez: They are my friends.
Matthew: That's exactly what they want you to think. Now we're not inflexible. I mean, we looked the other way when you started wearing cologne. But now? You've brought the Devil's music into our home.
Fez: Oh no. That is not the Devil's music. It is Eric's.
Matthew: Rebecca? Show the boy. Now listen to what happens when she plays it backwards.
Fez: That cannot be good for the record.
Matthew: There it is! Devil love me! Devil lives! It's clear as day! What's funny?
Fez: In my language, the record just said I want to sex your monkey. Which I have never done.

Eric and Donna are in the Forman's kitchen.

Eric: So Donna, I was thinking, we should go see a movie tonight.
Donna: Oh cool! I'd love to go see "All the Presidents Men."
Eric: Oh. Well, I actually hear that isn't very good.
Donna: Oh.
Eric: Yeah. Hey, uh, I was thinking, maybe "The Omen."
Donna: Isn't that at the drive-in?
Eric: Is that at the, yeah, no, I guess it is. So do you want to go?
Donna: Tonight? Yeah, um, sure.
Movie: When the child was five years old, something terrible happened. The truth. Where does it end?

Jackie and Donna are hanging out on the porch.

Jackie: "The Omen?" That's at the drive-in.
Donna: I know. I don't know what to do! I really like Eric. And I'd really like to have a physical relationship, but.
Jackie: It's called make out, Donna. Say it.
Donna: All right. Make out. But I don't want it to be public. I don't want it to be tacky. I don't want there to be pressure. Now it's this tacky, public, pressure, make out thing.
Jackie: I understand. Everybody wants their first make out to be special. In someplace romantic, like Ireland, or Disney World.
Donna: Disney World?
Jackie: Right. Sorry. So, let's focus. He asked you to the drive-in.

Eric is talking to Kelso down in the basement. The frame coincides with Jackie and Donna on the porch.

Kelso: Donna say yes?
Jackie: And you said yes.
Eric & Donna: Yes.
Kelso: Yes! Oh, this is great. Me and Jackie will come with you.
Eric: No!
Donna: Will you come with us?
Jackie: Why?
Kelso: Why not?
Eric: Well, you'd be like, competition.
Donna: You'd be like, a loophole.
Jackie: Loophole?
Kelso: Competition?
Eric: Yeah, I'd have to keep up with you and Jackie, and that would make me nervous.
Donna: I can always talk to you if I get nervous, cause you've got to be bored with sex by now.
Kelso & Jackie: What do you mean?
Eric: You and Jackie have done it like a million times.
Donna: You and Kelso have done it like a million times.
Kelso: True.
Jackie: We have never done it!
Kelso: Yeah, slid into home on the second date.
Jackie: We got to third base once, and that was an accident.
Eric & Donna: Whatever.
Jackie: Don't worry, we'll be there.
Kelso: Fine. We won't go.
Eric: Perfect.
Donna: Thanks.

Kitty comes downstairs wearing a fancy dress. Red is sitting on the couch watching TV.

Kitty: OK, now. See? This dress says, look at me, notice me, stare at me! It's all wrong.
Red: No! You look terrific. Especially for dinner at The Lion's Head.
Kitty: The Lion's Head? I thought we were going to Phillie's.
Red: Well, I uh, changed my mind.
Kitty: Well, you never do that. The Lion's Head. It is so fancy.
Red: And it's different. I mean, hell, we haven't been there in years. It'll be fun.
Kitty: Oh. Oh! This is so exciting. Oh. Oh! OK, now. If we are going to go to someplace that fancy, I have to shave your neck. I'll get the clippers.

Fez, Hyde, Eric, and Kelso are in the circle.

Fez: I am telling you. I heard it. The Devil is singing backwards on the record.
Hyde: It's not the Devil, man. It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They want to kill rock and roll because they know it makes us horny, man!
Eric: Doesn't uh, doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?
Kelso: Cartoons make me horny. Oh, and food.
Fez: When you play the record backwards, you can hear the Devil speak. I am starting to hear him everywhere.
Hyde: Satan is your master, Fez. Worship Satan.
Fez: Ai.
Hyde: But before you worship Satan, get him a cherry pop. Get Satan a cherry pop. Get Satan a cherry pop. Pop, man. Get me a pop. Fez, man! Get me a pop!
Fez: Oh. I'm sorry. I misunderstood.
Hyde: Satan's second choice is root beer!!
Fez: Ai.

Red has taken Kitty to The Lion's Head, but it is not what they expect.

Hostess: Warner, party of two! Warner, party of two.
Kitty: Red? What is this place?
Red: Excuse me. What happened to The Lion's Head?
Hostess: Burned down. Five dead. Real sad. Welcome to Blannigan's. May I take your name?
Red: I'll get back to you. Well, what do you think?
Kitty: Well, um. It certainly is different.
Red: Might not be so bad.
Waiter: On you, sparky.
Kitty: Staff is certainly enthusiastic.
Red: I'm sure I can get us a nice quiet table.
Group of Servers: Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! To you!
Red: I'll put our name on the list. Forman, party of two.
Hostess: Oki doki, that'll be about two hours.
Red: Here's twenty bucks.
Hostess: All right, we'll have something in about fifteen minutes.
Red: You don't want this place to burn down twice, do you?
Hostess: All right, we have something right now.
Red: That's what I thought. Well sweetheart, this is our lucky night. Oh, would you check this?
Hostess: Sure. Looks real good.

Eric and Donna are getting ready to get in the Vista Cruiser.

Eric: All right. Let's go.
Donna: Um, maybe I should uh, go back to my house and pop some popcorn cause they always overcharge. Jackie and Kelso! What are you guys doing here?
Jackie: Nothing. What are you guys doing here?
Eric: Donna and I are going to the drive-in, remember?
Jackie: Thank you, Eric! We'd love to go. Michael, get in the car.
Kelso: But, I don't-
Jackie: Get in the car!
Eric: Look, this isn't what we talked about at all!!
Kelso: I, I'm sorry, man. I'll take it slow. Try to keep up. Whoo! We're going to the drive-in!

Red and Kitty are sitting at their table waiting to be served.

Guy: Hello. I'm Guy, and I'll be your waiter. Would either of you like to help yourself to our Blannigantastic salad bar?
Kitty: What's a salad bar?
Guy: Oh, it's right over there. All the salad fixings, and you make your own Blannigantastic salad.
Red: You mean my wife has to make her own salad?
Guy: It'll be worth the trip.
Red: You're kidding, right?
Kitty: Red?
Red: No, no, no, Kitty. It's OK. Um, Guy, my wife didn't get all dressed up for a special night out so that she could make her own salad. See, she could do that at home. For free.
Guy: But she wouldn't have eight Blannigantastic dressings to choose from at home, would she?
Red: Are you being a wise anchor?!!
Kitty: Red. Honey, honey, your neck vein is poking out.
Guy: Sir, I can't bring you a salad. I'll get in trouble.
Red: What the hell kind of a restaurant is this?! You got eight people singing happy birthday, and nobody can bring my wife a damn salad!
Kitty: Red. Honey. Neck vein. Neck vein. Neck vein.
Red: Come on, Kitty. Let's get out of here!
Group of Servers: Happy birthday!
Red: Oh, screw your freaking birthday!!

Donna, Eric, Kelso, and Jackie are at the drive-in.

Donna: God, this movie even sounds gross.
Eric: That's not the movie.
Jackie: Hm. Well, then. So, you guys OK up here?
Donna: No. Um, I want popcorn, and I want Eric and Kelso to go get it.
Kelso: Oh, Eric can go get it.
Jackie: No, Michael.
Donna: I didn't bring you here to suck Kelso's face off.
Jackie: I know. I'm sorry.
Donna: This is so awkward.
Jackie: You're right, and I wasn't being a very good friend. No more making out. I promise.
Kelso: All right, uh, about the popcorn. I need money.
Donna: What? I don't want popcorn. Get back in the car.
Kelso: She doesn't know what she wants.
Jackie: No, Michael, Michael, no. We are going to watch the movie with Eric and Donna.
Kelso: But I missed the beginning.
Eric: OK, the little kid's the devil, they have to kill him. Watch the movie.
Movie: Look at me, Damian! It's all for you!
Jackie & Donna: AAAAAHHH!!!!
Eric: Hey, Donna. It's just a movie. Do you want to sit somewhere else?
Donna: So bad.

Red and Kitty are sitting at a counter.

Kitty: So. Here we are back at Phillie's.
Red: Yup. Good old Phillie's. Good food at a fair price.
Kitty: You're ordering the Salisbury steak, aren't you?
Red: Nope. I'm going for the ham.
Kitty: Red, don't put your hat on the counter, it's all greasy.
Red: Hey, pal. Can I get some Half-n-Half?

The camera zooms out to create the painting "Nighthawks."

Kitty: Well, isn't this familiar?

Hyde is helping Fez with his music worries.

Hyde: OK. So here's how we sneak the Devil music past Ozzy and Harriet. Alice Cooper, meet Pat Boone. Don't resist me, Pat Boone. No, you're hurting me. Come on take it! No, it hurts! Come on! No! Ooh!
Fez: But what if my host parents hear it?
Hyde: Then Satan commands us to kill them, Fez.
Fez: No.
Hyde: Tell you what. We'll use the headphones.
Fez: Yes.

Red is driving home.

Red: Kitty. I'm sorry about tonight.
Kitty: Oh, it's not your fault, Red. You know how emotional I get when I read Cosmo.
Red: Boy, do I.
Kitty: You know, OK. At least we gave it a try. I guess we have slowed down. Flattened out. Oh, at our age it's inevitable.
Red: OK. That's it.
Kitty: Red! Oh my Lord! You're not flashing back to Guadalcanal, are you?
Red: Hold on, Kitty. The night's not over.

Eric and Donna are laying on the hood of the Vista Cruiser.

Eric: You know, the stars are really just, forget it.
Donna: What?
Eric: Nothing. Well, uh. Jackie and Kelso have certainly made themselves comfortable.
Donna: Yeah. It's a roomy car.
Eric: Yeah it is. You know the bench seat in the Vista Cruiser is the same size as it is in the full-size Pontiac.
Donna: Wow, that's interesting.

Donna falls off the hood. The rest of the cars start honking.

Voice: Smooth move, Forman!!

A police officer spots a car parked with its windows fogged up.

Cop: OK, kids, break it up. Let's go. Whoa. Hey, you're adults.
Red: Damn right we're adults.
Cop: I'm sorry, sir. My mistake.
Red: That's quite all right. We all make mistakes. Now why don't you go bust some pot smoking teenagers before I give you a good adult sized kick in the ass!!
Cop: Yes sir. Thank you sir. Enjoy your evening.
Kitty: Oh, Red. That was so sweet. You let him off with a warning.
Red: Yeah, but you're not getting off that easy.
Kitty: Oh, Red!

Hyde and Fez are listening to music at Fez's house.

Hyde: Raindrops keep falling on my head! And just like a guy whose feet are too big for his bed!
Fez: This loud music will not damage my hearing?
Hyde: No, no. It's good for you!

Eric comes home. Red is sitting in the living room.

Eric: Hey Dad.
Red: Hey son. How was the movie?
Eric: It was pretty gory.
Red: Yeah? How did it end?
Eric: I don't remember.
Red: Attaboy.
Eric: So how was your night?
Red: It was fantastic.
Eric: Wow, that's great. Good night Dad.
Red: Good night son. Oh, and uh, be quiet going up the stairs. Your mother is very tired.

Kitty is pouring coffee for Red.

Red: So, Phillie's was fun.
Kitty: Yes, indeedy.
Red: Very dependable.
Kitty: As always.

The scene starts playing backwards.