Hyde: Wow, thanks Mrs. Forman. You know, we never had waffles at my house. My mom always said a waffle iron was a luxury, like pillowcases, or not getting hit. Man, this is so cool!
Kitty: Well, you are welcome Steven. See, Eric. I told you I was cool!
Red: Eric. Did you tell your mother that she's not cool?
Eric: What? We- wh-
Red: Well, stop telling your mother that she's not cool.
Eric: Fine. Mom, you're superfly.
Kitty: Thanks, honey. Steven, would you like maple syrup or blueberry syrup?
Hyde: You have syrup? Man, I love it here!
Eric: We love having you here, man! You're like, the brother I never had! I mean I have a sister, but I hate her, so this is great.
Red: Eric, after breakfast I want you to rake the yard.
Eric: But Dad, I was going to-
Hyde: I'll do it.
Red: OK, Steven.
Eric: Oh my God! I love my new brother!

OPENING CREDITS

Red comes into the kitchen with a friend.

Red: Hey, Kitty. Look who's back in town.
Kitty: Oh my God! Oh, Bull McKracken, I thought you were in Chicago.
Bull: No, I came back to Point Place to steal you away from this old S-O-B.
Red: Hey Bull. You still uh, you still with Wendy?
Bull: No, no, no. I got married. Wendy was a couple dozen ladies ago.
Kitty: Now, boy, that is a lot of ladies.
Red: Hey. You remember when our destroyer got strafed? And you got four chunks of hot shrapnel right in the knee.
Bull: Five. I still limp when it rains.
Red: Oh. Yeah. Great times!
Bull: Oh. Psh. Greatest!

Fez is trying Pop Rocks with Jackie and Kelso.

Fez: It is popping! Help me, it is popping in my mouth!
Jackie: Fez, Fez, they're Pop Rocks. OK? That's what they do. They pop.
Kelso: Hey Jackie, you know what would be cool do to with these in your mouth?

Eric and Donna come in.

Eric: Oh, hey Donna. Look everyone's here. I thought we'd be all alone. Whew!
Fez: Oh, I get it. They want to make out.
Kelso: Psst. For her pleasure.
Fez: Well, if I cannot watch them make out, can I watch you two make out?
Kelso: Yeah, sure.
Jackie: Michael!
Kelso: I mean, no Fez!

Jackie, Kelso and Fez leave.

Eric: Well, I don't know about you, but McHale's Navy makes me feel extra sexy.
Donna: Whatever.
Eric: OK.

Hyde comes downstairs.

Hyde: Hey, take it outside. I got to do my homework here, Frenchie.
Eric: Hahaha. Good one. Now get out.
Hyde: No, I'm serious man. Your mom just found out I failed a test.
Donna: She yell at you?
Hyde: No. But she said she was really disappointed. And then before I knew what I was doing, I told her I'd try harder.
Donna: No!
Hyde: Yeah.

Kitty comes downstairs with a plate.

Kitty: Oh, OK. Now here, I brought you a sandwich to help you study.
Hyde: Oh, thanks, Mrs. Forman.
Kitty: Mm-hmm. Eric, Steven is studying, don't bother him. Why don't you and Donna go up to your bedroom?
Eric: OK.
Kitty: I mean, no, no, bad idea. Just go outside to a well lit supervised area and talk politely like decent young adults.
Eric: Gee whiz, that sounds super, Mom.

Eric and Donna go to her house, where her parents are fighting.

Midge: Here's a crazy idea. Why don't you do the dishes, Bob?!
Bob: Why don't I do the dishes?! I work all day!
Midge: Well, I meditate all day!
Bob: Why don't you meditate over the sink! And wash the dishes!
Midge: Donna, will you tell your father he's a jackass?!
Bob: Donna, your mother was fine until she met those feminists and started thinking!
Midge: Well, excuse me Bob, but I'm not happy!
Bob: Really? Really? Well, I'm ecstatic! You better watch out Eric, cause it's all fun when you're making out on the couch, but then they get bigger and bitchier! Hey, no offense, honey.
Eric: You're not going to get bitchier, are you?
Donna: Shut up!
Eric: Oh no.

Red and Kitty are sitting in the hot tub with Bull and his girlfriend, Joy.

Kitty: Well, Bull, I can't believe you've finally settled down with a nice girl.
Joy: Well, he may have settled down all right, but I'm not that nice.
Bull: You know, Red, I noticed in the paper that your plant's closing down.
Red: Yeah. We can't compete with those damn foreign cars. I tell you, if I'd seen this coming, I would have shot a little straighter during the war.
Bull: You know, I'm opening another hot tub store right here in Point Place. And I'm telling you pal, you've always got a job with me if you want it.
Red: I don't know, though, Bull, you know, this thing's pretty hot. Ooh. That jet just hit me right in the keyster.
Bull: Yeah, believe it or not, some people like that.
Red: You want to ease back on the hooch there, Kitty? You're getting a little loose.
Kitty: Oh, I'm just happy. It's like a bath, only it's outside. It's fun!
Red: You got a real nice set up here. I sure do like that Corvette of yours.
Bull: Oh, yeah, I baby that thing. You remember when we got back from Korea we were both going to buy them?
Red: I never did get that Corvette. I got two kids instead.
Bull: Kids! That's great.
Red: Yeah. I sure did want that Corvette.

Fez, Kelso and Eric are hanging out on Eric's porch.

Kelso: OK, you're done cleaning the garage. Let's play some ball!
Hyde: Hang on man, I got to take out the trash.
Kelso: You know, Hyde, seeing you work hard and take pride in what you do, lost a lot of respect for you man.
Fez: You used to be my hero. My lazy, American hero.
Eric: Don't listen to them, Hyde. I think it's great you're doing all my chores.
Red: Whoa, Eric! Great job on the garage!
Eric: Thanks. Hyde did it.
Red: Well, yeah, I should have known. It's actually clean. Nice going.
Hyde: Thanks, Red.
Red: What did you do?
Eric: I... love you?
Red: Well, I love you too.

It's dinner at the Forman's house.

Kitty: Dinner kids! OK, now, that was Bull on the phone, and he has invited us to a party on Saturday night!
Red: Yeah..
Kitty: What's wrong?
Red: Well, it's just, I look at what Bull has, and I look at what I have, and I wonder if I made a few wrong turns, Kitty.
Kitty: Maybe you'll get a fresh start working for Bull.
Red: Yeah! I mean, I fought for my country, I deserve a Corvette!
Kitty: OK, here we all are! So, honey, how did you do on your history paper?
Eric: Well, history, you got me-
Kitty: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I was talking to Steven.
Hyde: Well, I must say, all that studying really paid off.
Laurie: What'd you get, a D?
Hyde: No! A C-minus.
Kitty: Yay!
Red: Way to go.
Eric: I got a B.
Red: You couldn't get an A.
Kitty: Oh honey, don't listen to your father. You did super! And Steven, you did super duper.
Eric: Why does he get a duper?
Red: Because, we expect more from you.
Hyde: Yeah, give me a break Forman, I don't have a mommy.
Laurie: Don't sweat it Eric, you can only be as smart as God made you. Or didn't.
Eric: OK, Laurie, didn't you just flunk out of college?!
Laurie: Get bent, twerp!!
Eric: Wear a bra!!
Hyde: Can we please not fight?
Laurie: Can we please not fight?
Eric: Could you please not suck?
Laurie: Good one Eric.
Eric: Thank you.
Red: All right everyone, shut up. We're going to have a nice dinner. Eric, you try to be more like Steven.

Laurie is watching television and Eric comes down the stairs.

Eric: Hey, where's Hyde?
Laurie: Mom and Dad are giving him a bath. I don't know, who cares? Shut up! I'm watching TV. I hate you.
Eric: You're just jealous right because you're not number one anymore.
Laurie: Well, if I'm not number one, guess who's number three?

Cuts to black and white, entitled "The New Arrival".

Announcer: So your parents have brought a new bundle of joy into your home.

Kitty and Red come in the front door with Hyde.

Announcer: And you might feel like your parents don't love you anymore, but that's not true. They simply love you less. You see, your parents only have so much love to go around.

Kitty and Red show Eric a chart.

Announcer: Here's how your parents' love was distributed before the new arrival. And here it is after. But what can you do about it?

Eric tries to run away.

Announcer: You could run away. Oh, oh, as if they'd come and look for you. Say, here's something you can do.

Eric and his parents are sitting around the piano singing.

Announcer: Think of all the good times you've had with your family.

Eric is replaced by Hyde.

Announcer: Because they're all over now.

Black and white ends. Red and Kitty are at Bull's party.

Joy: OK, here we go. Scotch rocks, Scotch rocks, and a mango margarita.
Red: He was in the National Guard.
Bull: Oh!
Joy: Oh you know I almost forgot. I need your car keys.
Red: How drunk you think I'm going to get, huh?
Bull: Hopefully drunk enough.
Bob: My wife's got my keys.
Red: You know Bull, if you were serious, I'll take that job.
Bull: You got it. Hey, you know it'll be like old times, except for the killing.

Bob goes to find Midge, who is hanging out with Sharon.

Bob: Midge, I need my keys. Sharon, hi.
Midge: Bob, you remember Sharon.
Bob: No! Sharon, is it?
Sharon: You are so funny. How do you keep your hands off him?
Midge: I don't know, I just do.

Donna and Jackie are in the Forman's basement.

Donna: So my parents are like fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't because they're both idiots. I don't know, I mean, I really think they're going to get a divorce.
Jackie: Oh my God, Donna, I am so sorry. But you know what, that very thing happened to a good friend of mine and now she has twice as much stuff, twice as much clothes, and her parents even fought over who got to buy her a car.
Donna: I mean, you're right, Jackie! I mean, this whole divorce thing could actually work to my advantage!
Jackie: Exactly!
Donna: Yeah, I just have to make it very clear that my love is contingent on how much they buy me!!
Jackie: Why am I even talking to you about this? You have a great handle on it!
Donna: Excuse me, um, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?
Jackie: Um, cheer leading camp.

The guys are hanging out in the Forman's kitchen.

Eric: You almost done there, Hazel?
Kelso: See that's funny, cause Hazel is a maid.
Fez: Or you could have called him Alice, too.
Hyde: Shut up, Fez.
Fez: So, pretty tough with a scrubber in your hand, huh?
Eric: Yeah, I know, Hyde, Red and Kitty aren't even here. I mean, you're kissing phantom butt.
Hyde: You know what, Forman? I used to think Red was a real hard ass, but after doing your chores for the last five days, I've come to the conclusion that you're just a lazy, spoiled brat.
Fez: Hazel never talked like that.
Eric: Hey, hey, that's not fair. You've been doing them for five days! Try sixteen years, man!
Hyde: You know, I guess I'm just grateful, Forman.
Eric: Well, stop it! You're making me look bad.
Kelso: Plus you've become like a total drag to hang out with.
Eric: Hey, whatever happened to the psychotic troublemaker we all know and love? Look, put down the dishes and start doing something stupid and senseless right now!
Hyde: Forman, I'm a guest here!
Eric: Well- then- fine! I guess, I will have to do something stupid.
Kelso: I know something stupid we can do! You got a bowling ball?
Eric: What?

Donna is talking about her parents fighting.

Donna: And they're arguing, and arguing, and arguing-
Jackie: OK, no offense Donna, but all this talk about your mom and dad fighting, well, it's boring me.
Donna: Really? Well, talking about your hair was fascinating!
Fez's voice from upstairs: Hold it by the damn hole!
Jackie: OK, what are those idiots doing?
Donna: Something idiotic. Let's go find out.

Jackie and Donna go upstairs, where the guys are preparing to bounce a bowling ball.

Kelso: Don't be such a baby. We just want to see how high it'll bounce. Nothing bad can happen.
Hyde: OK, Forman, man, think. You're listening to Kelso. Don't do it.
Eric: Now you're telling me what to do?
Fez: Enough talk! Do it!
Kelso: I never even thought of that. Later.
Fez: Night.
Jackie: See ya.
Donna: Bye.
Hyde: Ah, maybe they won't notice.

Kitty and Red are still hanging out at Bull's house.

Joy: OK, Kitty, it's your turn, pick a key.
Kitty: Oh my gosh, there are so many. I can't tell which one's are ours.
Joy: Kitty, you don't pick your own key because then you'd go home with your own husband, and who wants that?
Kitty: Oh, I um- me?
Joy: But the whole point of a key party is to meet new and interesting people and have sex with them.
Kitty: Oh my God. You're swingers. Red, honey, it's time to leave.
Red: Now? I'm having a good time.
Kitty: Um, I left the iron on. And the stove. I, I left the iron on, on the stove, which is also on, and it just, it can't be safe.
Red: Kitty, what's wrong with you?
Joy: Oh, Red, look whose keys I've got.
Kitty: Oh, dear Lord.
Bull: You lucky bastard, bite her earlobe, she loves that.
Red: What the hell are you talking about?
Bull: Red, you do know that this is a wife swapping party right?
Red: Are you telling me you want to sleep with my wife?
Bull: No! I'd take any one of these ladies!
Red: What the hell's wrong with my wife?
Bull: Nothing, Red, it's just done at random, so that it's fair, that's all!
Red: Geez, Bull. I thought I knew you.
Bull: You do, Red. I'm the same guy whose got shrapnel-
Red: No, no. Good night. Come on Bob, they're swingers.
Bob: Oh.

Red and Kitty come home to a broken television.

Eric: Well, it took a really weird hop.
Red: Why would you drop a bowling ball on the couch? What good could come of it?
Eric: Well, okay Hyde's like being this-
Red: Eric! I don't want to hear anymore of your dumbass excuses! This is the most irresponsible, idiotic thing you have ever done!
Hyde: Actually, Red, I did it.
Red: You?
Eric: No, no, no Dad. Hyde's just covering for me. I did it.
Hyde: Forman, stop. Red, it was me-
Eric: No, it was me!
Red: Well, guess what? I don't care! You're both idiots! And if you have to get a job digging ditches, you are going to buy me a new TV! Now get out of my sight!
Eric: Yes, sir.
Hyde: All right. Sir.
Red: I could have had a Corvette!
Kitty: Oh, Red.
Red: Kitty, damn it, I'm pissed. I mean Bull's a freako pervert, and he gets everything he wants. I work hard, I raise a family, and what do I get? A bowling ball in my TV!
Kitty: You know what I've got? Your keys.

Eric and Hyde are sitting in the kitchen with Red.