Doug: OK, uh, before we go any further, I don't have any money.
Carrie: I don't want any money, I just want a little sugar from my man.
Doug: Well, I am a good source of sugar.
Carrie: Close your eyes. I want to take over.
Doug: All right.

Doug closes his eyes, and Carrie pops a pimple on his forehead.

Doug: OW! Sister Christian! What are you doing?!
Carrie: Honey, I'm sorry. I had to. It was huge! It was casting a shadow over your face!
Doug: My eyes are watering.
Carrie: Honey, I'm sorry. Look. You're a good looking guy and I just want you to look your best, OK? OK, it's over.
Doug: All right.
Carrie: All right. Now come on. Let's get back to business. Sexy thing. Just the nose hairs. It's going to happen.

OPENING CREDITS

Carrie comes home from the grocery store with three bags, and can't get the key out of the lock. Doug is sitting on the couch watching TV and slouches down when he sees her struggling with the door.

Carrie: OK. You're about 70 pounds from that couch hiding you. Help me!
Doug: Yeah. You just wait till I get my soup made out of couch fabric, you'll never see me again. Candied yams? Who the hell do they think they're fooling?
Carrie: Hey, did you see the for sale sign next door? The Farn couple is moving out.
Doug: Really? Oh my God. That sucks. They were good neighbors. They really would leave you alone.
Carrie: What are the chances of the new neighbors not speaking any English?
Doug: You're right. I'm going to have to tell them my name, what I do. Ah, I got to lay down.
Carrie: No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait! Deacon and Kelly are looking for a new house. What's wrong with them living right next door?
Doug: You know what's wrong with it? Nothing! That's what's wrong with it!
Carrie: All right, I'm going to call Kelly right now. Put this stuff away.
Doug: All right. Ooh. Chocolate chip pound cake. Don't get too comfortable.

Doug and Carrie are at the house that is for sale.

Carrie: Deacon and Kelly aren't here yet?
Doug: No.
Carrie: You told them 10:00, right?
Doug: Yes. Could you not yell at me in front of people? Just take me aside.
Carrie: OK, baby. I'm sorry. I just don't want somebody else to get the house, that's all.
Doug: Believe me. I know. Look at that guy. He's got meth lab written all over him. Hey.

Deacon and Kelly arrive.

Deacon & Kelly: Hey!
Carrie: Hey you guys! Welcome to your new home.
Deacon: Doug told me the house is on your street. He didn't say it was right next door.
Doug: Told you there was a great view. Turns out it's of this.
Deacon: Yeah. Right.
Carrie: Let me give you the grand tour. Let's start with the kitchen. I will point out everybody I hate from the window.

Danny & Spence come down the stairs.

Danny: I'm telling you it's fine!
Spence: This color scheme doesn't match anything we own!
Danny: Huh. So we'll repaper.
Spence: Yeah, by we you mean me!
Doug: What the hell are you guys doing here?
Danny: Well, we heard the place was for sale, and we thought this would be the perfect starter house for us.
Doug: OK. And just to check one more time, you two aren't raising white tigers?
Spence: Doug. Open your eyes. A lot of young, straight guys buy houses together.
Doug: All right, that couldn't be any less true.
Spence: You didn't tell me your neighbor was a fellow Albanian, man. The Vasili is a sweetheart.
Carrie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you two doing here?
Danny: Huh, me and Spence are thinking about dipping our toes in the homeowner pool.
Carrie: No, no, no, no. This is Deacon and Kelly's house. Whatever freaky thing you two got going, ain't happening here, buddy.
Danny: All right, excuse me, Carrie. All right? But I think this is a free country-
Spence: Guys...
Doug: It only gets worse from here, walk away.
Spence: Vasili, I'm sorry, we're going to have to pass.
Vasili: Oh too bad. But good to meet a nice, young Albanian like yourself.
Spence: Well you know what they say. Speaks Albanian
Zana: Speaking Albanian
Vasili: This is my niece, Zana. She just came from Skoda.
Spence: Really? Speaks Albanian
Zana: Speaking Albanian
Danny: What's up?
Doug: Hey! So what did you think?
Kelly: It's really nice.
Carrie: Yeah, this place is going to go fast, so you guys should come in right in on asking.
Doug: Or, even less than asking. You know what we should do. We should put in a fake bid.
Carrie: OK. That would drive the price up. Do me a favor. Just leave the real estate stuff to me.
Doug: OK. Would you leave your attitude down on the floor.
Deacon: Guys, guys! We're getting a little ahead of ourselves here.
Kelly: Yeah, I mean we're not really sure that this is the right place for us.
Doug: What?
Carrie: What do you mean? It has everything you said you wanted. Three bedrooms, a huge backyard, skylights!
Doug: One and a half car garage. In case you got a car, and a half.
Kelly: Well, yeah. But we were just down in the basement and you know, we were a little concerned about the water heater.
Deacon: Yeah. It's no good.
Carrie: Oh. OK.
Kelly: Uh. Don't we have to go see that other house in twenty minutes?
Deacon: Oh yeah. We better scoot.
Kelly: Yeah.
Carrie: Let me just get you a listing.

Doug and Carrie are back in their house.

Doug: Well, they sure got of there fast, huh?
Carrie: Yeah, well. When you got to scoot, you got to scoot.
Doug: Even if it means taking out a mailbox.
Carrie: Ah, you know, it would have been nice to have them as neighbors, but you don't want to mess with a bad water heater.
Doug: No, you do not, my friend.
Carrie: Although, it's not that hard to replace a water heater.
Doug: It's got to be some other reason.
Carrie: Oh come on! It's us!
Doug: There's got be a million different things it could have been!
Carrie: All right, like what?
Doug: I got nothing. They hate us.
Carrie: You know what? If they don't want to be our neighbors, then it's their loss.
Doug: You know what? You're right. They just missed out on the ride of their lives.
Carrie: You are so right.
Doug: So what's for dinner?
Carrie: Fish sticks and corn nib lets.
Doug: Nice. I'm going to take a nap.
Carrie: OK.

Danny and Spence have brought Zana back to their apartment.

Danny: Oh man.
Spence: speaking Albanian
Zana: speaking Albanian Cedric the Entertainer.
Danny: Hey, tell her I said what's the deal with commercials at the movies?
Spence: Ucht idiot.
Zana: Spence, where is banya?
Spence: Oh, that's bathroom. It's right over there.
Danny: So, you want to take off now?
Spence: What?
Danny: Well, Zana is clearly digging me. So why don't you go to a diner and get yourself an open faced turkey sandwich?
Spence: You're the one who should get an open faced turkey sandwich. She hasn't said one word to you all night.
Danny: Well, that's because I don't understand her little language. But believe me, buddy, sparks are flying.
Spence: You're crazy!
Danny: All right. You know what? Let's let Zana settle this. When she comes out here, let's see who she comes to.
Spence: Oh OK.
Zana: speaks Albanian (You are out of toilet paper.)
Spence: Oh. speaks Albanian (I just went to Costco.)

Doug is at work, talking to Deacon.

Deacon: Hey man. How's it going?
Doug: Just trying to work up my appetite for second lunch.
Deacon: Don't worry, man. You'll get there.
Doug: So, how did that other house work out?
Deacon: Oh, it was nice. We might put an offer in on it.
Doug: Cool.
Deacon: You know what? I'm going to head back out.
Doug: You know what? I'm a big boy, all right? If you don't want to live next door to me, just say it.
Deacon: All right look the thing is-
Doug: No, no, no. I changed my mind, don't say it.
Deacon: Don't get all crazy here. Look, it's not you! It's Carrie.
Doug: Carrie? You don't want to live next door to Carrie? Yes. Now it all makes sense.
Deacon: Don't get me wrong. I mean, Carrie's great, but sometimes she can be-
Doug: A little annoying. Oh, you should see her before she's had her coffee. You know? Lucifer!
Deacon: Anyway, I'm sorry about all this.
Doug: Oh, don't be. You know? I'm sorry.
Deacon: Yeah because believe me. We love Carrie.
Doug: Oh yeah me too. I do too.

Carrie is at home, talking to Kelly.

Kelly: I mean, we think he's great, but a little Doug goes a long way.
Carrie: Hey. Preacher, choir. Sometimes when I pull up to the house, and I see the lights are on, I want to just keep driving.

Doug comes home.

Carrie: Hey baby!
Kelly: I got to go pick up the kids.
Carrie: Yeah, I better start dinner.
Kelly: I'll see you later, Doug.
Doug: Yeah, take care, and thanks for putting up with... Boy, that Kelly, she's good people, huh?
Carrie: Yeah she is. We actually had a long talk about the whole house thing.
Doug: What did she say?
Carrie: Turns out that actually it was the water heater!
Doug: Oh there you go.
Carrie: Yeah, I can't believe we thought we were the problem!
Doug: Nope. Problem definitely wasn't us.

Danny is washing the dishes listening to a CD. Spence comes into the kitchen.

Spence: Hey Danny! Danny!
Danny: Yeah.
Spence: I'm going out as soon as Zana gets here.
Danny: Oh. All right. Well, you guys have a great time.
Spence: Listen, thanks for stepping aside, Danny. You're a solid dude.
Danny: No problem.
Spence: What are you cooking?
Danny: A little dinner.
Spence: This is tav kosi, the national dish of Albania!
Danny: So? A guy can't have some baked lamb and yogurt without you making a frontal case of it?
Spence: Wait a minute.

Spence takes Danny's headphones.

Headphones: Where is the library? Gu ersht bibliioteca?
Spence: This isn't Billy Ocean! You're learning conversational Albanian!
Danny: Yeah, you're damn right I am, and in three tapes I'll be fluent, and Zana will be mine!

There is a knock on the door.

Danny: Speaks Albanian
Zana: Danny?
Spence: You bastard.
Zana: Tav kosi? My favorite!
Danny: Yeah, well. I just whipped it up.

Doug and Carrie see the new neighbors moving in.

Doug: Hey, must be the new neighbors.
Carrie: All right. Let's go back inside before they see us.
Doug: What? What about the hot dog buns?
Carrie: Doug. Just get inside.
Doug: I can't. I just made eye contact.
Carrie: Why do you got to look at everybody?
Doug: Hey!
Jeff & Stephanie: Hey!
Carrie: You guys must be the new owners.
Jeff: In about thirty years we are.
Doug: I hear that. Doug and Carrie Heffernan.
Jeff: Jeff and Steph Larry. My wife Stephanie.
Stephanie: Hi Doug. Hi Carrie.
Doug: Did you rob a playground?
Jeff: No, no, no. They're all ours. The rest are in the house.
Carrie: The rest? How many do you have?
Stephanie: We've got eight.
Carrie: Eight! How are you able to walk?
Stephanie: Three were mine, three were Jeff's, and we adopted Chi-Long and Tessa. So, you guys have any children?
Doug: One. Old man. We have an old man.
Stephanie: Oh.
Doug: Slow down there, Speedy. I'll give you a ticket.
Carrie: So, think this house is big enough for you guys?
Stephanie: We always say, love finds a way.
Jeff: Plus we're adding a third story.
Stephanie: And it better get done fast cause we're pregnant!

Danny is singing a song in Albanian to Zana. Spence opens the door, glares, and leaves.
Doug and Carrie are eating dinner amidst the loud commotion next door.

Doug: They really got that construction crew working late, huh?
Carrie: Actually, it's people from their church. They come in shifts.
Doug: It's like the Amish with power tools.
Carrie: Thinking: If it wasn't for him, I'd be living next to Deacon and Kelly now. Instead of the freaking Osmonds.
Doug: Thinking: She ruins everything for me.
Carrie: Thinking: I should have listened to my friends and married Paul. Everybody loved him.
Doug: Thinking: If only she'd married Paul. Then it would just be me, Deacon and Kelly. Listen, tomorrow, I might be late because they're switching routes on me. From Northern Boulevard to Left Rack. It's fewer stops but it's a lot more traffic.
Carrie: Thinking: Another driving story. Any gun shops on your route because I'd like to put a bullet in my head.
Doug: No sweat.
Carrie: More potatoes, baby?
Doug: Oh. OK.
Carrie: Thinking: Pig.
Doug: Thinking: I hate her face.

Carrie and Doug are sleeping, and there is a loud beeping noise outside.

Carrie: My God, you got to be kidding me! Doug, wake up.
Doug: I can't.
Carrie: Doug, wake up!
Doug: OW!
Carrie: How are you sleeping through this noise?
Doug: Cause no one was pinching me!
Carrie: Honey, go over there and tell them to keep it down please.
Doug: You know what? Why can't you?
Carrie: Cause last time I checked, you were the man of the house.
Doug: Last time you checked was maybe three weeks ago, so why don't-
Carrie: Just go!
Doug: All right!

Doug goes over to the neighbors. Three kids are playing with remote control cars, and they drive them into Doug's feet.

Doug: Hey! OK. Very funny guys. OK? You got me, now cool it, OK? All right? Hey! I said cool it or there's going to be big trouble!
Chi-Long: You're fat!
Doug: Oh. Yeah? Well, you're adopted. Ow! Hey!

Doug climbs up on a pole.

Doug: Ah, try and get me now, ha ha ha! Oh, nice try, Punky Brewster, but you're a little late.

An airplane flies around Doug's head twice, and the third time, he punches it out of the sky.

Doug: ROAR! ROAR! That's what you get when you mess with the big dog!

An even bigger airplane comes towards Doug. He jumps off the pole, and tries to climb a fence, but can't. Doug goes back home.

Carrie: Why am I still hearing noise?
Doug: They tried to kill me with an airplane!
Carrie: Again, why am I still hearing noise?!
Doug: You know what? You want them to be quiet, you take care of it. You're the reason they're living there anyway.
Carrie: What?
Doug: Deacon and Kelly didn't take the place because of you.
Carrie: What are you talking about?
Doug: That's right. You're the water heater, baby.
Carrie: No. They were dying to live next door to me. You're the water heater.
Doug: That's the water heater calling the water heater a water heater.
Carrie: OK. You know what? I talked to Kelly.
Doug: Yeah, well I talked to Deacon! What kind of sick game are they playing?

Spence comes out of his room dressed in cultural Albanian clothing. Danny is in the living room reading a newspaper.

Danny: What's up with that?
Spence: Zana and I are going folk dancing.
Danny: No way. Zana and I are baking sweet bread tonight.
Spence: Yeah. She's going to pass up these moves for bread.

There is a knock on the door.

Danny & Spence: Speaking Albanian
Spence: Let's settle this once and for all.
Danny: Yeah, let's do it.
Spence: All right.
Zana: Hi.
Spence: Hey. Speaking Albanian
Zana: I have you meet Bashkim.
Spence: Oh, is he your boyfriend? Your dashnur?
Zana: No, no, no. No dashnur. He is like you.
Danny: What do you mean?
Zana: How do you say um? The gay.
Danny: The gay?
Spence: We're not the gay.
Zana: But you look for house together. I mean, do math! Now I must go, I have date with drummer!

Doug and Carrie go over to Deacon and Kelly's.

Kelly: Hey guys. What a nice surprise.
Carrie: Oh, save it!
Deacon: What up?
Doug: What up? Your little web of lies. That what up.
Deacon: What are you talking about?
Carrie: Yeah, why didn't you want the house? Is it me? Is it him? Is it both of us? What?
Doug: Yeah, we're not leaving here till we get an answer.
Kelly: Look. We told you all that stuff cause we didn't want to tell you the real reason. The truth is...
Deacon: We've been having some problems again.
Carrie: Really? Like marriage stuff?
Kelly: Yeah.
Carrie: I'm sorry.
Doug: Yeah, why didn't you tell us?
Deacon: We didn't want to burden you.
Kelly: Anyway, with all that going on, it's not the greatest idea for us to be buying a house right now. At least not till
he gets his act together.
Deacon: Hey, we both got work to do.
Carrie: OK. Look. Listen, we're going to get going. Just know that we're just a phone call away.
Deacon: Thanks, man.
Carrie: You see, I knew something was up.
Doug: It's a shame. Everybody doesn't have what we have.
Carrie: Yeah. I love you.
Doug: I love you too.
Kelly: So what are we going to tell them when we buy that other house tomorrow?
Deacon: Who cares? It's not next to them.

Danny and Bashkim are baking bread in the kitchen. Spence comes out of his bedroom and turns on Albanian folk music.