Carrie: Doug, just admit it!
Doug: Ah, I was not crying, OK?!
Carrie: Come on! It was sad movie! It's OK to cry!
Doug: OK. For the last time, I got nacho sauce in my eye, and yeah, they were tears, but they were snack related!
Carrie: OK. Cause I thought I saw a different side of you and it uh, kind of turned me on.
Doug: Oh. Me, me crying, turn, turns you on.
Carrie: Yes. That's right. Tell you the truth, I was actually thinking of doing the uh, the birthday thing for you.
Doug: Oh, yeah. OK. The birthday thing.
Carrie: Yeah, that's right. But it doesn't really matter now, does it? Cause you made it clear that you were not crying.
Doug: Wait, Carrie, wait. I was crying.
Carrie: Oh, shut up!
Doug: No, I was. I mean, when the baby penguin, you know, died after the parents tried to save it from the long winter, and it just got to me. It did.
Carrie: See? I knew you were crying.
Doug: OK. How about the birthday thing?
Carrie: Yeah, right!

OPENING CREDITS

Carrie and Doug are eating dinner with Danny and Spence.

Carrie: Thank you guys so much for having us over. This is great.
Doug: Yeah. You two freaks can cook.
Spence: I figured it was time to reciprocate. You guys have us over all the time.
Carrie: We actually don't have you over. You just come.
Doug: Sometimes when we're not there. We found stuff.
Spence: Well, tonight is a very special occasion.
Danny: It is?
Spence: Yeah. This is May 15. The two year anniversary of when we moved in together.
Doug: Oh. Somebody's getting lucky tonight.
Spence: Actually, I am.
Doug: I was kidding.
Spence: No, no, no, no. We made a deal. I get the big bedroom. Remember?
Danny: If after two years, we're too poor to move, and still have no girlfriends, the big bedroom reverts to Spence.
Spence: Yeah! Well, we're still poor, and we're still single!
Danny: Yeah, well, you know what? I'm not moving into that mop closet.
Spence: Uh, no. I have it in writing.
Danny: Oh yeah? Oh, OK. Well, now you don't.
Spence: That napkin is binding!!
Danny: Yeah? Well, then don't eat it.
Spence: Hey. You are moving your stuff out of my room!
Danny: No, I'm not.
Spence: OK, you know what? This is so typical! You never give back money when I loan it to you, you never clean up after yourself, and now this?! I'm tired of it!!
Danny: Yeah, you know what I'm tired of?! Your big, fat head!
Spence: Yeah, well, I'm tired of your head!
Danny: Yeah.
Spence: Happy Anniversary!
Danny: Happy Anniversary to you!
Doug: That ice cream cake we brought needs to sit out.

Carrie and Doug come home to find firefighters at their house, and Arthur sitting outside in a chair, wrapped in a blanket.

Carrie: Oh my God! Dad, are you OK?
Doug: What the hell?
Carrie: What happened?!
Lou: He's OK. He just inhaled a little smoke.
Doug: Smoke from what?
Lou: Well, there was a small fire in the basement, but thank God, nobody got hurt.
Firefighter: For what it's worth, I'd say it's not a great idea to have him making bacon next to an open can of gasoline.
Carrie: I told you not to cook down there!!
Arthur: You banned me from the kitchen!!
Doug: Ah, that's right. I'm going to kill him. You know, everybody, you might want to look away, cause I'm going to KILL HIM!!
Carrie: Honey!
Doug: No, I'm sick of it, Carrie! I'm sick of him!
Lou: Doug, take it easy. He's been through a lot.
Doug: Lou, please stay out of this. You would not want to see me when I'm angry.

Carrie and Doug are talking in their bedroom.

Carrie: Doug, look. I know you're a little upset.
Doug: A little upset? Carr, Carrie! We could have lost everything down there! Everything!!
Carrie: Doug, listen to me.
Doug: No! OK?! My baseball card collection, my CDs, my AbRoller!
Carrie: Doug, just shut up and listen to me one second, OK?
Doug: WHAT?!
Carrie: Look, I've been thinking about this a lot, and I think it's time we do something about my dad.
Doug: Do you want to do the pillow thing we saw in "Law and Order?" Carrie: No! I'm thinking that maybe we should find someplace else for him to live.
Doug: Are you serious?
Carrie: For the last eight years, every time he does something stupid, like steals money out of your wallet, or throws the remote control across the room because he said Matt Lauer stole his haircut, I've always defended him, but it's not fair to you. It's not fair to us.
Doug: It isn't fair to us. I mean, so what do you want to do?
Carrie: Well, I think tomorrow, maybe we should start looking at some retirement homes for him.
Doug: Or, how about right now? Now look, we got one over here in Red Meadows. You know what? No bells and whistles, but it really gets the job done. Come sit, sit, sit. Now, this one is my favorite. It's not too far away, it's pretty much in our price range, and I'm telling you, he's going to like it. Oh my God, my hands are shaking.
Carrie: Doug, I don't know. The rooms look so small and depressing.
Doug: You don't like that one? You know what? You'll never see it again! Look, I didn't want to have to go expensive, but if we got to do it, then that's what we got to do. OK? Here we go. Not a problem. Hey, look how nice this one is here, huh? Look at them. Look at them in the pool. They got a pool. Look at the old people. They're aqua dancing.

Danny comes home to find that his room has been taken over by Spence.

Spence: Hey man.
Danny: Hi. Very funny. Where's all my stuff?
Spence: Uh, I moved it into your room.
Danny: OK. What do you think, I'm an idiot? I'll just move everything back.
Spence: Let me get out of your way.
Danny: You bolted everything down!
Spence: Yeah. Oh, and one of my things has an electric current running through it. I'll let you find that for yourself.

Doug is discussing the plans for the basement with Deacon.

Doug: Flat screen will go right there, right? Air hockey table over here with like a hot dog cart. And how about this? I'm just thinking. One of those chairs that takes me up and down the stairs, huh? Fun now. Necessary later.
Deacon: Does Arthur know he's getting the boot yet?
Doug:Yeah, we broke it to him last night at Sizzler.
Deacon: How did it go?
Doug: Not as well as we'd thought. He held his breath for a couple minutes, and he bit our waiter.
Deacon: Anyway, is there anything valuable in here? It's all soaked.
Doug: I don't know. Why don't you just open it up?
Deacon: Man!
Doug: What the hell is this stuff?
Deacon: It's play bills.
Doug: "Fiddler on the Roof?" "The Iceman Cometh." Is that Arthur?
Deacon: Looks like him. Hey, I didn't know he was an actor.
Doug: Neither did I.

Doug is watching some of the films he found in Arthur's trunk.

TV: Well, we had a bomb scare in the Bronx yesterday, but it turned out to be a cantaloupe.
Arthur: Requesting permission to have a glass of water.
Doug: Arthur, you don't need to ask permission about everything. OK?
Arthur: Of course I do. I'm a guest in your house. At least until you throw me out into the street.
Doug: Hey, what is this stuff?
Arthur: Where did you get that?!
Doug: Down in the basement.
Arthur: Yes. Locked up in my trunk! How dare you go through my private things!!
Doug: You look through my stuff all the time!
Arthur: That is a lie!!
Doug: Arthur, yesterday I caught you eating my Chapstick! What is this? You were in TV shows, and in Broadway plays, you got pay stubs here for like, thousands of dollars, what's going on?
Arthur: It was always my dream to be an actor. I was a natural. In fact, I was often compared to a younger, shorter, Fred McMurray.
Doug: What happened? Why is there a stubby Fred McMurray living in my basement?
Arthur: The '60s happened! The time of free love! One evening, I met a gorgeous, young dancer. We had a wild night, Douglas. In the bed, in the shower, we destroyed a bean bag chair.
Doug: AND! Back to the acting.
Arthur: Anyway, nine months later, Carrie was born. I never acted again.
Doug: Why not?
Arthur: Because in the performing arts, you never know when you're working, where you're working. That's no way to raise a child.
Doug: So you just stopped, I mean, you just gave up your dream, all for Carrie?
Arthur: Yes. I decided to become a nine-to-five Charlie. And give her the stable life she deserved.
Doug: But you've never held a job for more than a month.
Arthur: I didn't say it worked out.
Carrie: I'm home!
Doug: Does she know about this?
Arthur: No. And promise me she never will.

Spence comes home to find Danny has moved his furniture back into his room, while leaving Spence's furniture in it as well.

Danny: Hey, buddy.
Spence: Yeah, this is real mature.
Danny: Yeah, well I'm not the one who bolted my pottery wheel to the floor.
Spence: You know what? I'm not leaving. In fact, I'm never leaving.
Danny: Well, neither am I. And FYI, I have nine sick days, and I'm not afraid to use them.
Spence: I'll quit my job. I'm about to be replaced by a Metro Card machine, anyway.

Carrie comes home and finds Doug in the kitchen.

Doug: Hey!
Carrie: There's the man I love!
Doug: Whoa! Guess somebody hit Margarita Madness on the way home, huh?
Carrie: No, but I did hit Happy Hour at the North Shore Retirement Village.
Doug: Whoa! Sounds rocking. How was it?
Carrie: Oh my God, Doug, he's going to love it. I mean, they have ping pong, crass, and every Friday is "Make your own Sundae and Movie night."
Doug: We should move in there, and give him the house.
Carrie: I know, right? Anyway, I filled in the paperwork, he has orientation on Saturday, he moves in on Sunday, and then you got your basement back.
Doug: Yeah, I'm going to throw something out at you. A little bit of a curve ball.
Carrie: What are you talking about?
Doug: I see you got your game face on, you know, you're taking your lemons and you're trying to make lemonade. But you don't have to, Carrie. Look, you're my wife, and I know he's your dad, and if you want him here, he can stay. Come on, bring it in. OW!!
Carrie: What are you doing to me here??!
Doug: What are you talking about?!
Carrie: This has been the hardest decision for me to make, Doug! I finally convinced myself that putting my dad in a retirement home was the best thing for everybody! Now you're sitting here talking about lemonade?!
Doug: I'm just saying, I realized that, you know what, I don't mind having him around.
Carrie: Oh, really? You don't mind it? You were swinging a rake at him the other day!
Doug: That's how we play, OK?
Carrie: Oh, come on.
Doug: Look, I'm just saying, Carrie. He's not such a bad guy, and look, I just, I got a feeling that he's done some pretty nice things in his life for you.
Carrie: Oh really? Name one. That's what I thought.

Doug goes downstairs in the middle of the night. Arthur is sitting on the couch.

Doug: Arthur, what are you still doing up?
Arthur: Uh, I couldn't sleep. Can I interest you in some of your Scotch?
Doug: Listen, I want to tell Carrie about the acting thing.
Arthur: Absolutely not.
Doug: Listen, I think if she knows about it, she may change her mind, and you can stay here.
Arthur: So, you're saying you want me here?
Doug: No, I don't want you here, no. I just, just, uh, I'm used to the noise. You know, uh, so, can I tell Carrie?
Arthur: Douglas, I've done a lot of things in my life that I'm not proud of. I've written thousands of bogus checks, I've started forest fires, I sucker punched a lady cop! Look, the one good thing I've done in my life is to not let her know about this. And when I get to those Pearly Gates, that's all I got.
Doug: I'm just saying. Look, I'm going to take out a loan, and I'm going to turn that basement into my media room. So I'm just saying. Look, this is your last chance.
Arthur: Douglas, pull the trigger on that media room.
Doug: You're sure that's what you want.
Arthur: What I want is that you and Carrie have a wonderful life because you deserve it.
Doug: Thanks, Arthur. You know what? I don't think you'll have any trouble getting into those Pearly Gates.
Arthur: Thank you, Douglas. You want to see me in a pro commercial?
Doug: Let her rip.

Carrie and Arthur are taking a tour of the retirement home.

Nurse Berman: This is our rec room, where the residents have a full range of activities. They've got cards, and board games, and penny bingo.
Carrie: Oh, that sounds like fun, right, Dad?
Nurse Berman: Now, why don't I show you the rooms that are available?

Arthur stands in the rec room looking around. An attendant is feeding an old man some pudding. Another attendant is helping an old man with his walker. An old lady is being helped with a respirator. Arthur looks again, and starts imagining. The attendant pulls the spoon away from the old man she is feeding. The old man with the walker is in a headlock. The attendant is tying the old lady's respirator cables in a knot.

Carrie: Dad, come on!

Danny and Spence still refuse to give up the room to each other.

Spence: What are you doing?
Danny: Uh, listening to music.
Spence: Can you turn it down? I'm trying to sleep.
Danny: Yeah, well this whole thing could have been over with if you'd just moved all your crap back to where it belonged!
Spence: No way! Now come on. I got to get up early for work. That's if I was going.
Danny: Fine, you big baby! What's all this junk all over the ceiling?
Spence: Duh. It's the universe, genius. Those are glow in the dark stickers.
Danny: Oh, I know. I know. That's the Big Dipper right over there.
Spence: That's Orion's Belt. Have you ever been to a planetarium? Big Dipper's way over there.
Danny: What? That thing?
Spence: No, that's Cassiopeia. Big Dipper's right there. See the handle?
Danny: Oh yeah. Wow. You sure know a lot about this stuff.
Spence: Hey, when you're in the 10th grade, and you're four foot ten, and still hairless, this is, this is something to do on a Friday night.

Doug is talking to the home theater installation guy.

Doug: So I want the projection TV with the six foot screen, and the deluxe surround sound.
Ed: What size speakers were you thinking?
Doug: Uh... well, let's put it this way. I don't want the sound just to surround me, I want it in me.
Ed: I'll put you down for the Bronco Package.
Doug: All right. Bronco. Hey! Art Attack.
Arthur: Douglas. Can we talk for a sec?
Doug: Yeah.
Arthur: Remember how you wanted to tell Carrie about my giving up my dream for her?
Doug: Yeah?
Arthur: Well, you can pull the trigger on that.
Doug: What?
Arthur: Yeah. That retirement home is death. I don't want to go.
Doug: Arthur, it's too late. You already told me to pull the trigger on the media room.
Arthur: I'm changing my mind!
Doug: But, you said it was the one good thing you did in your life and that it was going to get you to the Pearly Gates.
Arthur: Oh look. Let's not kid ourselves. I'm going to hell and you know it! Now pull the trigger!
Doug: Listen! You are making me crazy! These last few days, you're going, you're staying! Well, let me tell you something. Carrie's fine with you going! I'm fine with you going! So you better get fine with it, you got it?!!
Arthur: So we'll put a pin in it?

Carrie is taking Arthur to the retirement home. Doug is sitting on the couch.

Carrie: All right Doug, we're leaving.
Doug: OK.
Carrie: All right, I'm going to go pull the car around, you guys say your goodbyes. OK?
Doug: Well, uh. Good luck, Arthur.
Arthur: Thank you. What could I say except, I hope you die, you fat pig.

Danny and Spence are still in the room that neither will give up.

Danny: And to this day, my dad still hasn't forgiven me for quitting the saxophone. I mean, he couldn't grasp the fact that I had asthma, and that every time I played a song, I put my life on the line.
Spence: At least your dad stuck around, I mean, I've always wondered like, if I'd been taller or better at sports, maybe he would have stayed.
Danny: Hey. Do not blame yourself! He left you!
Spence: Yeah. You're right. Oh my God. The sun's coming up.
Danny: Wow, we've been talking all night. Hey, you know what? You can have this room.
Spence: Really?
Danny: Yup. I made a promise to you on that napkin, and I'm going to stick to it. I'm not going to be like your father.
Spence: Hey. Wait, wait, wait. Maybe you don't have to move out.
Danny: What do you mean?
Spence: Well, if we shared a vanity, we could fit all our stuff in here.
Danny: Really?
Spence: Yeah! And we could turn the other bedroom into a sitting room.
Danny: I like sitting.
Spence: Yeah. You know what? We could put a fold out couch in there, so if one of us has a girl over, the other guy has a place to crash.
Danny: Yeah. Might get more use out of a foosball table, but...
Spence: Yeah, you're right.

Carrie and Doug are enjoying the redone basement.

Carrie: Hey honey! I'm down here! Hey, I have a great night set up for us. I have your favorite movies, Porkies, and pork rinds. Huh? Just you and me in our house, honey. I got to tell you, the room looks great. I mean, I really didn't think all this stuff was going to work, like this carpet. The black and burgundy thing, a little Danny O'Carrie, but it really does work in here. And that Jets helmet is... I can't do this, Doug. I'm sorry, I tried, but I want him back. Please. I promise I will wash him, I will feed him, you won't even know that he's here. I promise. Dad?
Arthur: Oh, there she is.
Carrie: Oh, I'm so glad you're back.
Arthur: Thank you. It's good being back. Although, I'm not loving the color scheme.

Carrie and Doug are trying to eat dinner. Arthur is downstairs watching TV with the speakers at full volume.