Doug: Oh my God. Whoa! That could have been ugly. Arthur, get up. I need the couch. Go down to bed.

Doug goes behind the couch, and tips it backwards until Arthur is on the floor behind the couch.

Doug: All right.

OPENING CREDITS

Carrie is in the living room typing on her laptop. The phone rings.

Carrie: Hello? Oh, hi Ms. Conrad. Yes, I'm pulling the listings right now, and, and listen, I want to thank you for this opportunity. I won't let you, what? Am I using the DRD reports? Of course. I have them right here. I'm all about the DRDs. OK. All right, no problem, bye bye. Oh my God, I hope I left them in the bathroom.

Carrie runs upstairs. Doug and the guys come in.

Doug: All right, gentlemen. Let's play some cards. Danny, you get the beer. Spence.
Spence: Hm?
Doug: Here. Order up some Chinese.
Spence: Yeah.
Doug: Deac.
Deacon: Two of them, right on it.
Doug: All right.
Spence: Hey. Instead of Tung Sing, let's try Szechuan Village. It's supposed to be amazing.
Doug: As long as they can make my dish.
Spence: Beef and broccoli.
Doug: With.
Spence: No broccoli.

Carrie comes halfway down the stairs, and sees Doug and the guys. Danny comes out of the kitchen.

Danny: Hey. Big jar of honey tipped over in your fridge.
Carrie: What the hell just happened here?!
Doug: We're playing poker, and could you watch the language in front of my company?
Carrie: No, no, no, no. This is not happening.
Doug: What are you doing?!
Carrie: Doug, I need this room to work. OK? We have a big client flying in from LA. I have to pull all the listings of our condos, co-ops, lofts, then I have to project what the amortized mortgage would be.
Doug: OK, if you're trying to bore us into leaving, mission accomplished.
Carrie: Doug. Please, come on.
Doug: Look. Where are we supposed to go?
Carrie: What's wrong with the garage?
Doug: Again, there's a raccoon living in it!
Deacon: Yeah, my place is no good. The kids are still up.
Danny: Yeah, and we're out too. Spence's mom has a date over again.
Spence: Lowell isn't a date. He's her piano teacher.
Danny: We don't have a piano.
Spence: Hello? He brings his organ and she practices on that.
Carrie: Come on, honey, please! I really want to do a good job. This is a great opportunity for me.
Doug: Fine. You know what guys? No cards. Let's, you know what? Let's just go to Szechuan Village. All right? Oh, and FYI, when you're ambitious, I couldn't want you less. OK?

Doug and Danny are sitting outside Szechuan Village.

Danny: All right. So what do you want to do?
Doug: Hit me. Damn it!

Spence is kneeling on his hands and knees because he is being used as a table.

Spence: Can we be done now?!
Doug: God, since when did you become such a complainer?
Spence: Uh, whenever I'm forced to be furniture.
Doug: Look. Deal them up. Come on.
Danny: Ah, I don't want to play anymore. I'm getting too good a view of backstage Spence.
Doug: Is that a thong?
Spence: What? No! Are you crazy?

Deacon comes out of the restaurant.

Danny: So, we got a table anytime soon?
Deacon: Well, good news is there's a Chinese family who just finished eating, bad news is they started playing some kind of game with tiles.
Spence: Oh, God. I hope it's not shogi. That can take hours!
Danny: Look, why don't we just grab some take out, and go play in the garage? As long as we don't mess with the raccoon babies, the mother is not going to attack us.
Doug: Guy, I know for a fact, that's not true. Besides, I want to play in my own living room.
Deacon: Well, that's not going to happen. Carrie's thrown us out the last five times we've tried.
Danny: You know, if we had any guts, we'd rent out that place and make it our permanent poker room. Huh. Plus, how fast would the Chinese food come?
Deacon: Yeah, that would be off the hook.
Doug: Off the hook? Or very much on the hook?

Doug and the guys are checking out the apartment.

Mr. Soo: The location is good! Close to shopping, schools are excellent. The blinds are new. My mother-in-law put them up just before she passed away. Dropped dead.
Doug: Her heart?
Mr. Soo: No, uh, the ceiling fan came down on her. It's in there pretty good now, though.

A lady's voice yells from downstairs.

Lili: John!!
Mr. Soo: Oi. I better get back down to my restaurant. Anything else?
Deacon: Uh, how much is the rent again?
Mr. Soo: Eight hundred dollars a month. Including utilities. No pets! Cat get loose in a Chinese restaurant, and, well, that's hard to live down.

Mr. Soo leaves, yelling back and forth with the lady from downstairs.

Doug: What do you guys think?
Deacon: I'm not sure Kelly's going to go for it.
Doug: She can't not go for what she doesn't not know about.
Deacon: What?
Doug: You don't tell her!
Deacon: What? You're not going to tell Carrie?
Doug: Hell to the no! Broads ain't hearing about this, and broads definitely ain't invited.
Deacon: You know what? I'm in.
Danny: Yeah. Me too. Spence?
Spence: The uh, no broads policy, though, say I meet a hot chick in a bar, I want to bring her up here, I mean, would that be OK, or no?
Doug: Let's cross that imaginary bridge when we come to it.

Doug and Deacon are at Doug and Carrie's, putting stuff in a box to take to the apartment.

Doug: All right, we need to hustle, Carrie's going to be home any minute.
Deacon: Hey, you want to bring this George Forman grill? Mm, nah, at the new place, let's leave animal fat where it belongs. In the food.

Carrie comes in.

Carrie: Hey!
Doug: Hey! Missed you.
Carrie: Hey, honey! Hey, Deacon!
Deacon: What's up, Carr?
Carrie: Why do you have uh, folding chairs tied to the roof of your car?
Deacon: Oh. Uh, it's for my kid. He likes musical chairs, he's trying out for the team at school.

Deacon leaves.

Doug: That's a good dad right there.
Carrie: Anyway, remember how I told you about that client from LA I was going to be showing properties to?
Doug: No.
Carrie: Well I did, and I am. Anyway, guess who it is. Big star.
Doug: Tom Hanks.
Carrie: No.
Doug: The guy who played Mr. Drummond.
Carrie: No!
Doug: I'm out.
Carrie: All right. Kirstie Alley.
Doug: Oh! You know what? Give me a call when it's Mr. D.
Carrie: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa! What is all this stuff?

Arthur comes upstairs.

Doug: Uh, no, this is just stuff I'm going to sell on Ebay.
Arthur: Hold that thought.
Carrie: Honey, you're selling your PlayStation? You love it.
Doug: Exactly. That's why I'm getting rid of all this crap. You know. So that I can, you know, spend more time with you.
Carrie: To do what?
Doug: I got nothing right now.

Carrie leaves, and Doug tries to as well.

Arthur: Hey, hey, hey! Slow down there, big boy.
Doug: What?
Arthur: Here. Sell this for me.
Doug: A potato chip.
Arthur: Not just a potato chip, a potato chip that looks just like Richard Nixon.
Doug: OK. No one's going to buy that off you.
Arthur: Are you crazy? It's a known fact that Nixon is the Rolls Royce of presidential shaped potato chips!
Doug: That doesn't even look like him. It looks more like my Uncle Stu.
Arthur: Your uncle Stu wishes.

Carrie is at work. Kirstie Alley comes in.

Kirstie: Hi. Are you Carrie?
Carrie: Yes. Hi.
Kirstie: I'm Kirstie Alley.
Carrie: I'm sorry, I didn't catch the name. I'm kidding. Hello! Welcome! Come in! I have some great condos for you to look at.
Kirstie: Oh, exciting. To tell you the truth, I'm relieved that I'm going to be talking about something other than my weight loss.
Carrie: Oh.
Kirstie: You know, it's like, Kirstie, you look so beautiful, you lost so much weight, oh, you look so hot, you know, it's like at a certain point, it's like enough is enough.
Carrie: Right.
Kirstie: Actually, I haven't reached that point.
Carrie: Oh, if I haven't told you, Kirstie, you look fabulous!!
Kirstie: Oh, well, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Carrie: You're welcome. Hey Jenny Craig for president, am I right?
Kirstie: You're right.
Carrie: So why don't we get started?
Kirstie: Let's!
Carrie: OK.

A guy pushing a cart of food comes in.

Lawyer: Ms. Heffernan? Where do you want the bagels and donuts?
Carrie: Um, thank you. Put them. Right back where they came from! We don't want that poison in here! Sorry about that, Kirstie.
Kirstie: No, no, no, no. No, no, no. Please. Please, you enjoy, Carrie. You know? I mean, I am perfectly able to sit here and watch other people eat.
Carrie: OK. Out, out, out.

The guy with the cart leaves and Carrie sits down and looks at some papers.

Kirstie: Is that good?
Carrie: Mm-hmm.
Kirstie: Is that a little pecan on top?
Carrie: Oh, actually. I don't really know.
Kirstie: Taste, just give it a little taste.
Carrie: Oh, OK.
Kirstie: Pecan?
Carrie: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I don't really know.
Kirstie: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know, I should have told you. I have this little trick. I watch other people eat, and then I enjoy the food through them.
Carrie: Oh. Oh, I get it. OK. Great. Great.
Kirstie: In fact, do you see that little sprinkled donut over there?
Carrie: Uh-huh.
Kirstie: Could you eat that?
Carrie: Actually, I don't love sprinkles.
Kirstie: But could you eat it?
Carrie: Absolutely, I can. Absolutely.

Danny and Spence are sitting at the card table.

Danny: Ah, this is living.

Doug and Deacon are throwing bologna slices at a target on the wall.

Doug: Uh-huh, there it is. Still the champ.
Deacon: That doesn't count. That's on the line!
Doug: Hey. Look. Nobody likes losing at bologna darts, but show a little class, would you?

Doug's cell phone rings.

Doug: Hello.
Carrie: Hey, it's me.
Doug: It's Carrie. Shh. Keep it down.
Carrie: Where are you? I tried calling you at home.
Doug: I'm at uh, Szechuan Village.
Carrie: Again? Man, you love that place.
Doug: What's that? I couldn't understand a word you were saying.
Carrie: I'm eating stuff for Kirstie Alley.
Doug: Wow. I'm in the wrong business.
Carrie: Honey, I'm going to be home a little late.
Doug: Ah, boo. Um, all right well, don't work too hard.
Carrie: OK, bye bye.

Carrie is still working with Kirstie Alley.

Kirstie: OK now, just hypothetically, how many White Castles could you eat?

Doug and Deacon are hanging out watching TV. Doug puts Chinese take out boxes along the wall to create a pyramid. The guys slowly get bored of hanging out in the apartment. Doug eats the potato chip Arthur gave him. Mr. Soo puts up the "Apartment for Rent" sign. Doug comes home one night with the box of stuff he took to the apartment.

Carrie: Dad, how many times have I told you to stay out of my make up bag?!
Arthur: I took one lipstick!! Call a cop!
Carrie: What were you doing with it anyway?!
Arthur: If you must know, I was circling parts of my body for a doctor's appointment!
Carrie: OK, that's it! That's it!!

Doug turns around and goes right back out with his box of stuff.

Carrie: I'm putting you in a home!

Mr. Soo takes the "Apartment for Rent" sign down. Doug is hanging pictures on the wall of the apartment. There is a knock at the door.

Doug: It's open!

Deacon pokes his head in.

Doug: Hey, man! Welcome!
Deacon: Hey. I was ordering some food downstairs, and Mr. Soo said you were still up here. Didn't we give this place up?
Doug: I didn't. I uh, kept it for a little getaway. Oh, um. I'm going to need you to take the shoes off. I just had the uh, carpets cleaned.
Deacon: You serious?
Doug: Does it not smell mountain fresh in here? Seriously, dock those giant boats by the door. Would you? Come on! Sit down, man! Here you go. Let's visit! Tell me everything.
Deacon: I like what you've done with the place. Big difference.

Doug lights some candles that are on the coffee table.

Doug: You know what's funny? Now that it's just mine, I don't know, I, I want more. Where are my manners? Would you like something to drink?
Deacon: Uh, just water.
Doug: You sure? We got some specialty sodas here. I got Moxie, Fanta Orange, Ting. That's the official soda of Jamaica, mun.
Deacon: Water's good.
Doug: You're the guest. Here you go.

Doug puts Deacon's glass of water on a coaster.

Deacon: So you uh, you still with Carrie, or?
Doug: Yes, I'm with Carrie. You're a, you're a character.
Deacon: So where does she think you are when you're here?
Doug: Uh, actually, with you. I've got my Deacon in the background impersonation pretty down pat. Ready to roll, player.

Deacon puts his glass on the table. Doug motions for him to put it on the coaster.

Deacon: Oh, sorry.
Doug: Thank you.
Deacon: So how are you able to swing the rent all by yourself?
Doug: Oh I don't, I don't pay rent anymore. Mr. Soo and I, we uh, we worked something out.

Down in the restaurant, Mr. Soo is calling for a waiter.

Mr. Soo: Hey! Table Six needs more duck sauce!

Doug comes out of the kitchen.

Doug: I'm on it, sir.

Carrie is back at the Dugan Properties from showing Kirstie a condo.

Carrie: Kirstie, that condo was perfect for you.
Kirstie: I am never buying a condo from some idiot who says I was great in Kagney and Lacey! I don't even want a condominium anymore! I just want to kill myself!
Carrie: No! No, no, no, no! Come on! Come on! All right, how about this? I go on an eating binge for you, OK? I'll eat food until it comes out of my eyes. What are you in the mood for?
Kirstie: I guess I could watch you eat some Chinese.
Carrie: I know just the place.

Doug is delivering food to the Dugan Properties. Meanwhile inside...

Carrie: Anyway, it's a great building right on the park. What do you think?
Kirstie: Hm. Could you smoke a cigarette for me?
Carrie: I'd love to. But I, I don't have any, so.
Kirstie: I do. Right there in my purse.
Carrie: Oki doke.
Kirstie: Only been in there a year.
Carrie: Oh, great! Anyway, back to the condo, I think that if you like it, we really need to jump on the building.

Doug walks by and sees Carrie. He drops to the floor. Doug runs back outside and straps the food back onto his moped. He's boxed in by a car waiting for someone behind him, so he jumps the curb with his moped and drives away.

Doug: Come on, man!

Carrie runs out and sees the Chinese food all over the parking space.

Carrie: HEY!!

Carrie goes to the Szechuan Garden with the food.

Lili: Yes, miss?
Carrie: Yeah, I called for a delivery, uh, I'm just a little confused. Is it your policy to just dump the food in the street, and then drive off?
Lili: I ask in back.

Carrie turns around and spots Doug in the kitchen. Doug sees Carrie and runs out the back into his apartment. Carrie follows him.

Carrie: Doug!!
Doug: Carrie! Oh my God! Come on in! I've been meaning to invite you over forever!
Carrie: What the hell is going here?!
Doug: Oh, um. I'm going to need you to lose the shoes.
Carrie: Doug, what the hell are you doing here?! What is this place?!
Doug: Didn't I tell you about this?
Carrie: No.
Doug: Oh, it's just a little hangout, you know? I come here to unwind. Maybe like once in a blue moon.
Carrie: You're getting mail here. And you have a turtle, and throw pillows that say "Home Sweet Home."
Doug: That was a housewarming gift.
Carrie: You had a housewarming party?!
Doug: Just the neighbors, you wouldn't have known anyone.
Carrie: Come on, Doug! What else don't I know about? I mean, is there, do you have another wife? Is there a Doug Jr. at soccer practice!
Doug: You're overreacting!
Carrie: I'm overreacting?! I just found out my husband has another life!

Doug's cell phone rings.

Doug: Another life. That's crazy! Hello? *speaks Chinese* How about a Moxie soda? A bottle of Moxie, huh?
Carrie: I, I, I really, I can't believe this.
Doug: Would you just look? Sit down. Would you, please?
Carrie: Oh yeah. Here you use a coaster.
Doug: Just listen to me, all right? Look, this whole thing started as a place for me and the guys to hang out, but I don't know, they bailed out, and I just, I stayed with it.
Carrie: Why? To get away from me?
Doug: Not you. Not just you. Look. I admit, all right? Maybe I took things a little too far, but I don't know, have you ever just wanted to escape from someone?

Kirstie is at the Dugan Properties staring at a cigarette and a burger. The guy comes back with a cart of coffee.

Kirstie: Hey, hey, hey. Have you seen Carrie?
Lawyer: No.

Carrie is watching TV with Doug in his apartment.

Carrie: This is nice.
Doug: Yeah. Glad you decided to stay. Hey. You want to throw some bologna?
Carrie: I don't exactly know what that means, but no.

Doug is refilling beverages. Mr. Soo comes by.