Carrie: Hello?
Doug: Hey, it's me. Uh, I know you wanted me to get paper towels. Did you want me to get the kinds with like the chickens or the ducks on them or...
Carrie: I'll let you make that call, babe.
Doug: OK, I won't let you down.
Carrie: I love you.
Doug: OK, love you too. Carr, Carr, wait!
Carrie: Yeah?
Doug: I've been thinking about this whole automatically saying I love you thing at the end of phone calls thing. I was wondering if we could drop it.
Carrie: What?
Doug: Yeah, I mean, we know how we feel. We don't have to say it at the end of every call.
Carrie: So you want to stop saying I love you?
Doug: Technically, we don't say I love you now. I mean, we've got it down to like, 'Love ya.' It's almost gone already.
Carrie: Oh, so we're just talking about dropping the 'I love you' just at the end of phone calls.
Doug: For now.
Carrie: You know what? It's, it's not a bad idea, because when we actually do say it, it'll mean that much more.
Doug: Exactly. I mean, it'll really pop. It will almost be shocking.
Carrie: OK.
Doug: All right!
Carrie: Well, goodbye.
Doug: Goodbye.

Doug calls Carrie again.

Carrie: Hello?
Doug: Hey, it's me.
Carrie: Yeah?
Doug: Just wanted to say I love you.
Carrie: And I love you too. All right, love you.
Doug: Love you too.

OPENING CREDITS

Doug is watching TV in the living room. Arthur comes in.

Arthur: Douglas? I'm back from the senior center, and I have an update on the missing pudding. Douglas? Hmm. Ah.
Doug: Hey! Hey! That's my wallet!
Arthur: I thought you was asleep.
Doug: I was faking it!
Arthur: Well, it doesn't get much lower than that.
Doug: Apparently it does.
Arthur: What, you expect me to steal money from Carrie to buy her own birthday present? I will not do that again.

Carrie comes home from work.

Carrie: When are the Machelli's going to be done building that freaking castle? I mean, knock yourselves out, you still share an alley with the Jiffy Lube!
Doug: Hey! We're all set for your birthday. I just talked to Paddy down at Cooper's, he got us a private room. I mean, it's not totally private, it's where they keep the foosball table, and actually there's another party there, but it's a small one.
Carrie: So, I'm turning 35 and we're celebrating that at Cooper's?
Doug: I talked to you last week. I said what do you want me to do for your birthday, you said don't do anything special.
Carrie: Yeah, I meant don't do anything special like take me to France. Not take me to where you have a Wing Eater's Gold Card.
Doug: OK, first of all, it's platinum, and they only gave out four. OK? Look, Carrie. Cooper's is just an idea, OK? We can go wherever you want.
Carrie: Like where?
Doug: Huh, how about that hot new club in the city you were talking about?
Carrie: Silk?
Doug: Yeah! Let's get silky.
Carrie: So you want to take me to the hottest club in Manhattan.
Doug: Yeah.
Carrie: Great, now I have two days to lose ten pounds and ten years. Unbelievable!!
Doug: So uh, how old were you when you went crazy?
Arthur: Thirty-five is a difficult birthday for anyone.
Doug: What about I just give her some time, let her cool off?
Arthur: No. No, no. Go to her, Douglas. Go to her.

Carrie is upstairs in the bedroom looking in the mirror. Doug comes in.

Carrie: I used to have gorgeous hair. I could have sold it. Nobody would buy this. Who would buy this?
Doug: I could hang a sign at work. You're obviously going through some stuff right now, Carr, and I just want you to know, I'm here for you.
Carrie: Oh, you're here for me? Well, you should be, because this is all your fault.
Doug: My fault?
Carrie: Yeah, you stole my youth!
Doug: What?
Carrie: That's right! I would still be young and relatively attractive if I didn't have to pick up after you all the time, and wash your big, huge pants, and cook you dinner every night!
Doug: We do order out a lot.
Carrie: I have to heat it up, don't I??
Doug: OK. Are you OK, or do you need me to go to the drugstore and buy you something from the awkward aisle?
Carrie: No. It's just that I'm turning thirty-five and I feel like crap.
Doug: Why are you getting so down on yourself? I got to tell you. I think you look more beautiful now than the day I even met you.
Carrie: Oh, shut up.
Doug: OK.
Carrie: You know what it is, Doug? I'm not getting the feedback that I used to. I mean, I don't remember the last time I got groped on the subway. And those construction guys! I walk by them everyday, and I get nothing from them! Nothing! I've peaked! It's all downhill from here.
Doug: Oh, come on. You're being crazy now.
Carrie: No, no. It's different for men. The older you get, the better looking you get.
Doug: Uh.
Carrie: You know what? You're the one who should be mad at me. I mean, I'm not that hot, young thing you married.
Doug: Oh, Carr. You're not nineteen anymore! So I love you the way you are right now! I love everything about you! The little lines around your eyes.
Carrie: Oh my God, I got crow's feet?!
Doug: Sweet mama.

Holly and Arthur have come back from their walk.

Holly: OK, Arthur. I really have to get going.
Arthur: But I'm not finished.
Holly: Arthur, you've been talking for an hour straight. I think I'm pretty clear on the fact that lard is the poor man's butter.
Arthur: Oh, there is one more thing. This is very difficult for me to ask, but I need to borrow some money.
Holly: Arthur, you haven't paid me back the loan for the ostrich farm. By the way, uh, what's going on with that?
Arthur: Nothing good. Now I need to buy a birthday present for Carrie.
Holly: Oh, Arthur, if you're broke, you know what? Why don't you make her something? You guys do ceramics out at the senior center, don't you?
Arthur: Last week, I made an ashtray of a woman lying on her back, but the location of the cigarette nook proved controversial.
Holly: OK, no ashtray. Oh! I made my mom a collage once, and she just flipped.
Arthur: Really?
Holly: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You must have old pictures of Carrie, you know, like when she was a little kid and stuff? You just arrange them and frame it, and it will be better than any expensive gift you can get her because it comes from your heart.
Arthur: I love it.
Holly: Great!
Arthur: Now, if you'll spot me a twenty, I'd love to treat you to lunch.

Deacon comes into the kitchen. Doug is packing a bag.

Deacon: Hey you know, now that those people are remodeling, you officially have the crappiest house on the block.
Doug: Hey. No, no, no, we got to go. It's not safe here. Oh God. I forgot my jacket.
Deacon: What's going on?
Doug: It's just, Carrie's turning thirty-five on Saturday, and she's freaking out.
Deacon: Oh yeah. Thirty-five is a bad one. Hey, but it'll toughen you up for forty.
Carrie: Who's talking??!
Doug: Uh, it's just that Deac came by to pick me up! You want to come down and say hello?!
Carrie: Yeah, that's going to happen!
Deacon: OK, then! You have a, you have a good one!
Doug: I tried telling her she looks beautiful and everything. She just, she just bites my head off. You know, it's like she needs to hear it from someone else.
Deacon: You want me to tell her?
Doug: Yeah, I'm not crazy where that might lead. Deac, you know what? I'll meet you at work. I just got to make a stop first.

Doug goes over to the construction workers.

Doug: Hey! Who wants a cold one?
Hector: Yeah, thanks buddy, but we're not really supposed to drnk on the job.
Doug: Hey, I'm not supposed to put cheese on my cereal. Doug Heffernan. Live a couple doors down. I got kind of a weird request for you.
Hector: Yeah?
Doug: Yeah. Uh, this is my wife, Carrie. You guys recognize her? She walks by here every day on her way to work?
Vince: Yeah, I know her. Remember? She flipped us off yesterday.
Doug: That's her. Anyway, I was wondering if you guys, you know, when she walks by later, wouldn't mind yelling some dirty stuff at her.
Hector: What?
Doug: The thing is, she's turning thirty-five, and she's a little down on herself. So if you guys could tell her that she's hot, and yell out all the nasty things you want to do to her and where, she'd be floating on air.
Hector: So, you want us to sexually harass your wife?
Doug: Bingo.
Vince: You know, we're not really supposed to do that kind of stuff anymore.
Doug: Come on, you can't drink on the job, you can't harass women, how does anything get built in this country? Come on, it would really, really, help me out.
Hector: So what do you want us to say?
Doug: That's all you. You know, just don't force it. Just throw it away. And, and by the way, you're going to have a lot to work with. Cause whether you like the balcony or the basement, she is built to please.
Tim: I guess I could say, is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants.
Doug: Yes! I like that. Don't be afraid to speak up!
Hector: Yeah, so something like uh, whepa mamita, shake those maracas!
Doug: Now we're cooking with gas! What else you got?
Gus: I could say I love your hair, and I want to cut it off and I want to put it in a box.

The construction workers are hitting on Carrie.

Hector: Hey, look what's coming by!
Vince: Damn, she's hot!
Tim: Hey, do fries come with that shake?
Hector: Whoo!! Shake those maracas, Mama!
Gus: Yeah Mama! I want to ***, and then I want you to ***!! Oh yeah!!

Doug is listening at the front door, and when Carrie gets closer, he shuts the door and stands by the wall.

Doug: Hey! How was your day?
Carrie: Hey! Great! Hey, how about steak for dinner, huh?
Doug: Mm!
Carrie: And you know what? It has been a while since I made my man some cupcakes!

Holly is helping Arthur look through pictures for the collage.

Holly: Look at all the places you've been! You've had some life!
Arthur: It has been quite a ride.
Holly: Oh my God! You were at Woodstock?!
Arthur: Yes. I worked security. It was a magical three days of kicking hippie ass.
Holly: Wow.
Arthur: Turns out acid really hampers a person's ability to defend themselves.
Holly: Yeah, tell me about it. Aw, look. Here's a really cute picture of Carrie at one of her birthday parties.
Arthur: Oh yes. That's when she turned six.
Holly: I don't see you in any of these pictures, though.
Arthur: I wasn't there. I boycotted that party for reasons well known to her.
Holly: OK. I'm sure we can find a cute one in here. Aw, this is Carrie at high school graduation. Huh. Were you at that?
Arthur: No. I was at a high school graduation that day, just not hers.
Holly: Well, gosh Arthur, I don't see you with Carrie in any of these pictures.
Arthur: Well, I was a very busy man! I was on the road a lot! I had obligations!! I was a terrible father.
Holly: Oh, no Arthur.
Arthur: Yes, yes. Those pictures don't lie. I was too busy chasing the all mighty dollar.
Holly: Well, that's better than my dad who was too busy chasing the all mighty tube of glue.
Arthur: Why couldn't I have been at her party? Why?! Excuse me, Holly. I need a minute.
Holly: I want to call my dad.

Deacon is hanging out with Doug.

Deacon: So you bring these guys donuts every morning, they yell nasty stuff at your wife, and she comes home happy and makes you a pot roast.
Doug: Yup. And the dirtier the talk, the bigger the portions.
Deacon: I'm telling you man, you are playing with fire.

Carrie comes home.

Carrie: Hey boys!
Doug: Hey!
Deacon: Hey, Carr.
Carrie: Who wants a Manwich?
Deacon: Um, sure.
Carrie: Uh, OK. Honey? I know what I want to do for my birthday.
Doug: Bring it.
Carrie: All right. So, I want to go to Silk.
Doug: Oh, we are so there.
Carrie: All right, but I want to do something before that.
Doug: Oh, that is happening too.
Carrie: Doug, stop it, sweetie. Stop it, OK? You know the mountain bikes we have in the garage that we bought and never used?
Doug: I don't know about never used. I mean, technically, they are keeping the fuse box shut. What? You, you want to go biking now?
Carrie: Yes. Remember that day when I was feeling so old? Well, I realized, that's all in your head. You got to think young, you got to do young things. So, red or blue?
Deacon: Yeah, red will help the cars see you.

Carrie and Doug are riding their mountain bikes.

Carrie: Come on Doug! You can do it!
Doug: It's too steep!!
Carrie: You got to pedal!!
Doug: I know how a bike works!!
Carrie: You're in the wrong gear!!
Doug: Oh God!

The pedals on Doug's bike break, and he goes flying.
Holly comes over. Arthur is working on the collage.

Holly: Hey, Arthur. How's it going?
Arthur: Today is my daughter's birthday, and my only giftt is a table full of neglect.
Holly: Well, maybe not. Remember I told you I was dating that guy who works in the photo department at Wal-green's?
Arthur: Nobody likes a braggart, Holly. What's your point?
Holly: Well, here's that picture of Carrie blowing out her birthday candles, except look who's got his arm around her now.
Arthur: Oh my God! That's me! But how could that be? I wasn't there.
Holly: Well, no. Josh took another picture of you and digitally superimposed it onto Carrie's birthday picture. Anybody can do it.
Arthur: Any witch can do it.
Holly: Oh, OK. Let's not get bogged down with the details here. All I'm saying is that any picture that you want to put yourself into, Josh can do it for you.
Arthur: Normally, I don't dabble in the black arts, but it sure would get me out of a pickle.

Doug and Carrie are waiting in line to get into Silk.

Niles: Red dress, and the boy.
Doug: Ugh. I'm going to throw this out one more time. There's a Wendy's two blocks away, and it's got a playground.
Carrie: Doug, come on! We're going to get in. I can feel it! Come on. You used to work at a club, why don't you go to talk to the guy, bouncer to bouncer?
Doug: I guess I could do that. I'll give it a shot.
Carrie: All right. Go, go, go! Go, go go!
Doug: Excuse me. I'm on the list. Excuse me. I'm on the list. Sorry. He's got a special list. What's up! I used to bounce too. Neon. '91 and '93. It's Starbucks now. Like, like we need more of those. You know what I'm saying? Every corner. That's a nice head-
Niles: Don't touch.
Doug: Ah, Mama. Guy lost the list. Ass. Ass. Excuse me. They lost the list. All right, I laid some groundwork. That's what I did. Yeah.
Carrie: All right. He's coming back, he's coming back.
Doug: Yeah.
Niles: Uh, you two. You, and you.
Carrie: Oh thank you! Oh, the thing is, it's my birthday, and I, I don't really want to go in without my husband, so.
Niles: You want to go in or out?
Carrie: All right, I'm going to go get us a table. I'll meet you in there, honey.
Doug: Hey, is there any possible way that I could-
Niles: Don't touch.
Doug: We're both green berets. We're just constantly testing each other.

Doug is asleep. Carrie comes in the bedroom.

Carrie: Come on, honey! Time to get up!
Doug: Oh my God. We only went to bed three hours ago.
Carrie: Plenty of time to sleep when we get old. Come on.
Doug: Oh God. They got that jackhammer working again. Huh. Shut it off!!
Carrie: Stop it! Morning, boys! Hey, watch out what you're doing with that hose. This is a family neighborhood! OK, baby. As for you, let's get going. We got places to be.
Doug: What? Where?
Carrie: I made a reservation for brunch at this new place in Soho.
Doug: All right.
Carrie: And we're going to ride our bikes there.
Doug: What?! No. No more biking.
Carrie: Why?! We had fun yesterday!
Doug: My seat was in me!
Carrie: Doug. I am serious about this. I don't want to spend Saturday nights on the couch anymore. I want to live life! But you got to keep up with me, all right?
Doug: So what, what do you want me to do?
Carrie: OK, well. I want you to be more open to things like taking our bikes to brunch, and maybe going to an art gallery, and I think we should revisit the whole Weight Watchers thing.

Doug is talking to the construction workers again.

Doug: OK. Change of plans.

Carrie is walking by the construction site.

Construction Workers: Whoo-hoo! Look what's coming!
Gus: Yo, baby, you look hot.
Vince: Yeah, but not that hot.
Hector: Very attractive for a woman your age!
Tim: Oh yeah, I'd like to see you stay home and not go out. Whoo!

Doug is walking by the construction site.

Construction Workers: Hey, check it out. Whoa! Step lightly, Chunky. We just fixed that sidewalk. Yeah, the buffet called. You win.
Gus: Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Cause you are really fat.
Doug: What the hell?

Carrie pulls up in the Grand Cherokee.

Carrie: Get in!
Hector: She brought us cupcakes.

Arthur is giving Carrie her birthday present.

Arthur: Sorry my gift was a little late, darling, but picking and choosing from thirty-five years of wonderful memories is no easy chore.
Carrie: Aw, Dad. This is so sweet!
Arthur: See? There we are together at your sixth birthday party.
Carrie: Oh yeah.
Arthur: Ah yes. We had some marvelous moments.
Carrie: Yeah, it's just I don't remember you and me riding an elephant. Or going to the Oscars.
Arthur: That's why we take pictures!
Carrie: Thank you, Daddy.

Doug is delivering a package. He knocks on the customer's door.

Niles: What?
Doug: Hey. I got a delivery for a uh, Leonard Montclaire.
Niles: That's my roommate, I'll take it.
Doug: Hey, you're that bouncer from the club. Yeah, the one who wouldn't let me in. Huh.
Niles: Yeah. Yeah. Just give me the package.
Doug: No. That's all right. Uh, you know, I'm sorry. The problem is I need the addressee to sign for it, OK, so I'm going to have to throw you a don't touch. Yeah.
Niles: Oh yeah?
Doug: Don't, don't touch. Don't touch. Don't touch.