Doug: Carrie!!
Carrie: Hm? Oh, crap.

OPENING CREDITS

Carrie is in her office typing. Doug walks in wearing gold and black argyle socks.

Doug: Carrie.
Carrie: Yeah?
Doug: Take a look at this. What does this tell you?
Carrie: I don't know. Those queer eye guys got a hold of you?
Doug: No, I had to borrow your dad's socks cause I'm out of socks, my socks are not clean, and I don't have any clean underwear. OK? It's like a mosh pit down there.
Carrie: All right. So borrow a pair from my dad.
Doug: I tried. I couldn't figure out all the snaps and pulleys.
Carrie: I'm sorry, Doug. I'm behind on the laundry because I had to cook dinner, clean up afterwards, and now I'm paying all our bills.
Doug: I told you I'd help you with that. You never let me.
Carrie: Yes. That's because the last time I let you pay the electric bill, we spent three days huddled together in the dark, with blankets and candles.
Doug: And shadow puppets.
Carrie: OK. I need your paycheck please.
Doug: I got it.
Carrie: Thank you. What's this scribbled on the back?
Doug: Oh. I was playing around with an idea for a new Jets logo.
Carrie: Are they looking for one?
Doug: No.
Carrie: Oh, honey. Look at this! With my raise last month, I actually make more than you do now!
Doug: What?
Carrie: Yeah! Look.
Doug: No, you don't.
Carrie: I do! Look.
Doug: Oh, that's cause I got all these deductions. Look, I got all this FICA. That's what's bringing me down.
Carrie: No, they took FICA from me too. Look, my check can beat up your check. Leave me alone, you big bully!
Doug: All right, yeah. Yeah.
Carrie: Ha-ha! Oh, come on. I'm teasing you! We should be proud of ourselves. We're doing really well.
Doug: We are?
Carrie: Yes, and according to my calculations, we actually have some disposable income.
Doug: Really? What do you want to dispose it on?
Carrie: Um, well. We could start an IRA. You know? Start saving for our retirement.
Doug: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What else you got?
Carrie: OK, well we do need to upgrade our heating system.
Doug: That is true. We do need to upgrade the heat. But even more than the heating system, haven't we been needing a speedboat?
Carrie: OK, let's put a pin in the speedboat. Now I'm all for splurging, but it's got to be something we both can enjoy.
Doug: OK. How about a speedboat and a male dancer?

Arthur is in the kitchen. Spence comes over.

Spence: Hey, Arthur.
Arthur: Ah, Spence, my boy. Here for another lesson in gin rummy?
Spence: A, a lesson? As of yesterday, you owe me $82,000.
Arthur: Ah, yes. Double or nothing is a cruel mistress.
Spence: Look, I'll tell you what. I'll forget the whole gin debt if you'll do something for me that'll make me very, very happy.
Arthur: I'm not sure I'm comfortable where this is headed.
Spence: Listen. It's about my mom.
Arthur: What about her?
Spence: She's out in the car. I'm, I'm taking her to the podiatrist right now, and the thing is, she's been feeling really down lately. You know? She feels like nobody wants her, or needs her for anything anymore.
Arthur: Well, if your mother's one thing, she's astute.
Spence: Couldn't you just, couldn't you just go out and ask her to a movie or something?
Arthur: How can I put this nicely? Your mother is not my cup of tea in that I find her hideous and annoying.
Spence: Thanks for putting it nicely.
Veronica: Spencer, I don't want to be late for Dr. Kaplan! This hammertoe won't correct itself! Hello, Arthur.
Arthur: Veronica. I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm counseling runaways in the basement.

Doug comes home from work, and grabs a beer. He walks into the living room and sees a person that he does not know in his living room holding a pile of his underwear.

Doug: Who are you? Why are you stealing my underwear?
Inez: Que? (What?)

Carrie comes downstairs.

Carrie: Oh! Hey, honey. Um, Inez, this is my espouso, (husband), Doug.
Inez: Ah. *speaks Spanish*
Doug: Shemagata. Yeah, um, uh.
Inez: *speaks Spanish*
Carrie: Oh, levar. Yes, laundry. Si, si, si, si.
Doug: OK, what, what's going on? Who is that lady?
Carrie: She's our maid!
Doug: What?
Carrie: Yes. After our talk last night, I was downstairs doing laundry trying to Shout out anchovy paste from your T-shirt, and I thought, what would be better than having some help around here?
Doug: A speedboat.
Carrie: No.
Doug: Carr, we were supposed to get something we'd both enjoy.
Carrie: Doug, the maid's for you too!
Doug: Really? Can I fish off her bow?
Carrie: No, but she can do your laundry, your dishes, and clean up after your mess.
Doug: Hm. I already had someone doing that. You!
Carrie: Doug, come on!
Doug: This is crazy, Carr! This is a big thing, and you don't even ask me?!
Carrie: No, it's just that I fell in love with her, honey. And I told her it's only a one week trial upon approval of my husband.
Doug: And, and she knows that. Does she even speak English?
Carrie: A little. But look, I remember Spanish from high school, and I bought you an English-Spanish dictionary.
Doug: Oh great. Now I got to read. OK.
Carrie: Doug, will you just give her a chance? You will fall in love with her. Please.
Doug: I don't know.
Carrie: Did I mention that Inez is an incredible cook? She makes a Mexican dessert that is basically deep fried ice cream. And, here's another bonus. When I get home from work, I won't be busy doing all the stuff around the house. I will have more time for pleasing my man.
Doug: Now she really fries it.

Doug is eating cereal in the kitchen. Inez comes upstairs from the basement.

Doug: Hey.
Inez: Buenos dias. (Good morning.)
Doug: Si. (Yes.) Si, senorita. (Yes, miss.)
Inez: You, eh, finish con platos? (Are you done with the plate?)
Doug: Platos? (Plate?)
Inez: Platos? Eh, platos? (Plate? Plate?)
Doug: Yes, yes, si, si, si.
Inez: Y la leche? (And the milk?)
Doug: Si, si. Si. No. Leche.

Inez puts the milk away, and goes downstairs. Doug gets up and gets the milk out. Inez comes back upstairs.

Inez: *speaks Spanish*
Doug: No. No.
Inez: *speaks Spanish*
Doug: Yes. I wanted, I didn't understand you before. I was done with the platos, but not with the leche. It's nobody's fault, it's just a little communication problem. You know what I'm saying? You take the leche, I'm going to hit a diner. OK.

Doug comes home later that afternoon.

Inez: Buenos tardes. (Good afternoon.)
Doug: Hey.
Inez: Ooh.
Doug: Leche. (Milk.)

Inez goes into the living room. Doug looks through the cabinets, and can't find what he is looking for, so he goes into the living room.

Doug: Inez?
Inez: Yes.
Doug: I'm looking for the Oreos. Los Oreos? Oreos? The cookie?

Doug motions like he is taking the Oreo apart and licking the inside.

Inez: No.

Inez zips up her jacket and acts extremely nervous. Carrie comes in the back door. Doug goes back into the kitchen.

Carrie: Hey.
Doug: We got a problem.
Carrie: What?
Doug: Inez moved the Oreos, and they're gone. They're just gone.
Carrie: OK, honey. Relax. We'll figure this out, OK? Um, Inez?!
Inez: Yes?
Carrie: Yeah, hi. Doug is uh, busqueda (looking), ah, galletas (cookies). Oreos.
Inez: Oh, las galletas! Los Oreos. (Oh, the cookies! The Oreos!)
Carrie: Aw, look honey. She cleaned out the cookie jar, and put cookies in there!
Doug: OK, but now where are my Arby's coupons?
Carrie: Gracias, Inez.
Inez: Senor Doug se no co mucho. Mucho galletas. (Doug eats a lot of cookies.)
Carrie: Oh, yeah. Si. Mucho galletas. (Yes. Lots of cookies.) Mucho pudding y bacon. (Lots of pudding and bacon.)
Inez: *speaks Spanish*
Carrie: Oh, yeah. Si. Si.

Doug goes upstairs after Carrie.

Carrie: Oh, look honey. Inez dusted under the lamp! You know my motto. If I don't see it, I ain't cleaning it. And look, she put fresh flowers by our bed!
Doug: Oh, that is so nice. I'm going to miss her.
Carrie: What?
Doug: Oh, you said it was a one week trial upon approval of your husband, and I got to tell you, I don't approve.
Carrie: What do you mean? Inez is doing great.
Doug: I disagree.
Carrie: Why? What's wrong with her?
Doug: Well, for one thing, she moves my snacks around, and I got to look all over the place.
Carrie: Yeah. Well, God forbid you burn a few calories before you inhale a sheet cake.
Doug: See? See, I don't like how you guys are together.
Carrie: What are you talking about?
Doug: Yeah, you two laughing and plotting against me in your secret little language.
Carrie: It's called Spanish, Doug, and about half the world speaks it.
Doug: Not this half.
Carrie: Well, you seem to speak it pretty well when you're ordering from the Taco Bell Dollar Value Menu.
Doug: Yeah, yeah! You got me! You got me! Cause I know how to say burrito and more!
Carrie: Come on, you're being ridiculous!
Doug: Carr, you did this without even asking me! OK? And what about all this fried ice cream I'm supposed to see, huh? Haven't seen it!
Carrie: All right. Well, you know what? This is crazy. Inez is doing a great job and she's staying.
Doug: Yeah, well, if she's staying, she's working for free, cause I ain't paying her.
Carrie: Well, then I'll pay her. I pay for most of her anyway.
Doug: Hmm?
Carrie: What?
Doug: Oh. So that's what this is about. You think you're the boss cause you're making a few more dollars than I am.
Carrie: It's more than a few.
Doug: Oh! Ah-ha-ha! The gloves are off. Let me tell you something. If you want a war over who calls the shots in this marriage, you got one, sister!
Carrie: Doug. I don't want a war.
Doug: Well, you got one, sister!

Carrie comes home and almost trips over the mop that Veronica is using to clean the floor.

Veronica: Oh, careful! I just put down some Glow Go.
Carrie: Uh, Veronica. What's going on?
Veronica: Oh! Doug hired me! Didn't he tell you?
Carrie: No. No, he did not.
Veronica: Oh, maybe he wanted it to be a surprise.
Carrie: Yeah, I'm sure he did.
Veronica: Well, God bless him. It just feels so good to be working again.
Doug: Hey Carr. You uh, met our new maid, Veronica.
Carrie: Yes, I've met Spence's mother.
Doug: Hope it's not a problem, but she speaks English.
Veronica: Oh, I better dump this trash before it gets too full.
Doug: Good eye. Good eye. She's on top of things. You are a treasure.
Veronica: Oh, stop.
Carrie: Just what in the hell do you think you're doing?
Doug: Just giving a senior citizen a sense of purpose. Feels good.
Carrie: Doug, this is ridiculous. We can't have two maids.
Doug: I agree. Get rid of yours.
Carrie: No!
Doug: OK, then we got two maids. Hey, you know what? We can race them!
Carrie: OK, you do understand that we can't afford to pay two maids?
Doug: I don't care.
Carrie: OK, you know what? Well, we can go bankrupt for all I care.
Doug: I would love that.
Carrie: Good. I hope we end up living in our car.
Doug: Great! Hope your father likes living on the roof.

Doug and Carrie are eating dinner while reading newspapers and ignoring each other. Inez comes out.

Inez: Mas cafe? (More coffee?)
Carrie: Oh yes. Gracias, Inez. And by the way, Inez, this chile relleno, is uh, muy bueno.
Inez: Gracias.
Carrie: Mm-hmm. It's just so cheesy.
Doug: Veronica?
Veronica: Yeah, do you need something?
Doug: No, no, no. I just wanted to let you know that you've outdone yourself with tonight's dinner.
Veronica: Oh, it's just fish sticks.
Doug: Yeah, but they were just so fishy.
Carrie: Uh, Doug, could you pass the salt, please?
Doug: Sure.
Carrie: Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Thank you.
Veronica: Oh, listen. Let me clean up some of these dirty dishes here. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry! I'll, I'll clean that right up.
Doug: That's OK. That's Mrs. Heffernan's drink. Inez will clean that up.
Carrie: No, Inez. Veronica spilled it. I'm sure she wants to clean it.
Doug: No she doesn't. Shh. This is between the maids now.
Carrie: All right. Can we just end this now, please?
Doug: Fine. You know what, Veronica? I'll be having my Oreos in the kitchen tonight.

Veronica is doing laundry when Arthur comes down.

Arthur: Veronica.
Veronica: Oh, hey Arthur.
Arthur: So, now you're stalking me. I'd call the authorities if I didn't have an outstanding warrant in New Hampshire.
Veronica: Relax. Doug hired me to help around the house. See? I'm washing out his work clothes.
Arthur: Oh. So am I to understand you're the maid?
Veronica: Yes.
Arthur: Oh. Then, as master of the house, I'll leave you to your duties.
Veronica: What is it?
Arthur: It's just this sudden change in circumstances. I must admit I'm finding it rather titillating.
Veronica: You do?
Arthur: Perhaps it's the taboo of class distinction, or the allure of your stern, yet body hugging uniform, but I'm seeing you in a whole new light.
Veronica: Look, Arthur. I was hired to work here. Now any personal relationship between us would be totally inappropriate.
Arthur: You know just what to say to get me going.

Doug and Carrie come downstairs and catch Inez sitting on the couch watching TV rather than doing housework.

Doug: Look at this. Apparently someone thought doing laundry wasn't as important as watching Sabudo Gigante. You know what they say, when life gives you lemons, you get lemon maid.
Carrie: Inez. What's going on with the lavaro here?
Inez: *Speaks Spanish*
Carrie: Why can't you go downstairs? Por que? (Why not?)
Inez: Por que? Veronica si empre downstairs haciendo boom boom con si your campa. (Why not? Veronica is downstairs boom booming your dad.)
Carrie: Do you know what's going on? Instead of doing her work, Veronica is downstairs boom booming my dad!
Doug: What?
Carrie: Yeah! That's why Inez can't do the laundry! Your maid is ruining my maid!
Doug: You're just jealous cause my maid is willing to go the extra mile.

Veronica comes upstairs.

Veronica: Oh, sorry. Sorry I was downstairs so long. I had to catch up on my ironing.
Carrie: OK, you know what? I will handle this, just like I handle everything else around here, so why don't you eat a ring ding, or a ho-ho, or a hu-hu, whatever the hell it is you eat now! OK?

Carrie goes out to the living room.

Carrie: Uh, Veronica, it's pretty obvious that we have a crazy thing going on here. Uh, you've been doing a great job, but I'm going to have to let you go.

Doug rushes to the living room.

Doug: Uh, excuse me. You do not have that authority.
Carrie: Oh, yes I do. Cause I'm the boss. You're fired.
Doug: Uh, no, no, no. You stay right here. If anybody's getting the boot, it's her. Sorry Inez. You're fired.
Inez: Que? (What?)
Doug: Oh, what is the word here? The word, uh, sorry Inez, you are confuego!
Carrie: OK, idiot. You just told her she's on fire.
Doug: She knows what I mean. Yeah.
Carrie: Why are you still here?
Doug: He told me to stay.
Carrie: And I am telling you to leave or it is go time.
Veronica: OK.
Doug: You know what? It's go time. Let's go. Yes. Absolutely.

Inez gets up off the couch.

Inez: *Speaks Spanish*
Doug: Right, right, absolutely.
Carrie: No, no, Inez.
Doug: Don't let the puerta hit you in the you know!! Never would have happened if we got a speedboat!

Veronica is getting ready to leave when Arthur comes upstairs.