Doug comes to work.

Deacon: Hey man.
Doug: Hey.
Deacon: What do you got there?
Doug: A donut.
Deacon: I thought you weren't eating carbs.
Doug: I'm now allowing myself to eat delicious carbs.
Deacon: Hey. You got a little jelly right over there. Yeah, there's one on the other side.
Doug: Oh, OK.
Deacon: Hey, how did you get jelly on the back of your neck?
Doug: There was a bee in the car. What's that?
Deacon: Uh, koosh ball.
Doug: Oh.
Deacon: Hey, hey, leave it alone, man. Listen. No. Give it back to me, I'm serious.
Doug: Why?
Deacon: Stop playing with it. Give it to me!!
Doug: All right, man. Take it easy. It's just a ball.
Deacon: Look. My kid gave this to me for my birthday last night. It, it was really amazing. Four years old, got the idea all by himself, emptied out his piggy bank, and bought Daddy a present.
Doug: Birthday, right. Did he mention that was from both of us, or?
Deacon: All right, I got to pick up my route. Guy, I'm serious, don't touch my koosh.

Doug watches Deacon go around the corner, and picks up the koosh ball.

Doug: I'm touching it. I'm touching it all over.

O'Boyle comes around the corner.

O'Boyle: Hey.
Doug: Hey.
O'Boyle: Heffernan.
Doug: Yes, sir?
O'Boyle: You got to get all of the trash out of your truck by Thursday. I'm giving you a head start now because I seen your Taco Bell graveyard. Whoo, whoo.
Doug: Um, what's happening Thursday?
O'Boyle: Oh, some big guy coming from the Northeast office to make sure we keep up the IPS image, such as it is. Anyway, clean out your truck, and no more dumb ass stunts, like last month.
Doug: Don't worry. You won't even know I'm there. In fact, if you want, I could just stay home that day.

O'Boyle takes the koosh ball into his office.

Doug: Haaahaaa.

Carrie is at work looking through the office refrigerator.

Carrie: Oh my God, look at this. Property of Mr. Kaplan. Do not touch. Didn't the guy just buy a twelve million dollar house in the Hampton's? He's right behind me, isn't he?
Kim: Sorry, we're just freaked out. It's been going around that since the firm didn't do so great this year, there's going to be some layoffs.
Carrie: Really?
Amy: Yeah. Elaine who works upstairs, said she heard the senior partners talking about getting rid of the deadwood.
Carrie: Secretaries? Or just lawyers?
Amy: Well, if they fire your boss, why would they keep you around?
Carrie: Who left Mr. Kaplan's hazelnut out?

Carrie's boss, Mr. Pruzan, comes out of his office.

Mr. Pruzan: Carrie.
Carrie: Yeah?
Mr. Pruzan: Type this up for me, will you?
Carrie: Oh, yes, uh, Mr. Pruzan?
Mr. Pruzan: You're looking a little fancy for casual Friday, aren't you?
Carrie: OK, a couple things. Um, they canceled that a few weeks ago, and it's Tuesday. Mr. Pruzan, can I ask you a question? I know that the firm is downsizing-
Mr. Pruzan: What?
Carrie: Yeah, something about getting rid of the dead wood, and I-
Mr. Pruzan: Dead wood? Did they say dead wood?
Carrie: I don't know what they said exactly-
Mr. Pruzan: Carrie, I specifically need to know if they used the term dead wood.
Carrie: We're in trouble, aren't we?

Doug is standing outside Mr. O'Boyle's office watching him play with Deacon's koosh ball. Deacon comes over and stands behind Doug.

Deacon: Why does O'Boyle have my koosh?
Doug: Does he? You know, I always thought he went into our lockers and took stuff. I'm serious. One day my uniform smelled like he wore it.
Deacon: What did you do?! I told you to lay off of it!
Doug: But then O'Boyle walked by and said whoo whoo. And I had to throw it to him.
Deacon: Why?!
Doug: That's catch etiquette. When someone goes whoo whoo, you got to throw them the ball!
Deacon: I can't believe it. Just go in there and get it back!
Doug: Not a great time for that.
Deacon: Why?!
Doug: Cause you know how last month, as a joke, I filled out that time card for one Mr. Foghorn Leghorn?
Deacon: Yeah. That was a classic.
Doug: Anyway, turns out, the guys in accounting cut him quite a few paychecks before they realized he's a cartoon rooster. O'Boyle found out, and made some pretty serious threats involving his thermos and my ass. Why he'd want to use his own thermos, I don't know.
Deacon: You're going to be wishing for a thermos when I get done with you. Now get in there!!!
Doug: All right!

Doug's cell phone rings.

Doug: Hello.
Carrie: Hey. It's me. I'm, I'm really upset. Everyone's talking about how there might be some layoffs, and I, I think that Pruzan might be the first to go. And I haven't been able to do any work at all this morning. I'm just sitting here feeling nauseous.

Doug isn't really paying any attention to what Carrie is saying. Mr. O'Boyle leaves his office, and Doug pretends to look at a map on the wall right beside the door.

Deacon: Go!

Doug goes into Mr. O'Boyle's office.

Deacon: He's coming!!

Doug comes back out of Mr. O'Boyle's office.

Doug: Just got to have a water and phone break. Got to get a little water and phone.
Carrie: I got to go.
Doug: OK. Love you. Hey, we'll get it! Come on, man. Don't worry. We'll get it! Hey, that's the mean finger.

Mr. Pruzan is sitting on Carrie's desk.

Mr. Pruzan: Well, I talked to the partners. We really cleared the air. Apparently I've decided to move on and pursue other interests.
Carrie: Oh my God!
Mr. Pruzan: Next issue. Are you aware of the various levels of goodbye parties here? The people they hate get a card, the people they like get an ice cream cake, the people they love get a full omelet bar. I want to go out with the omelet bar, Carrie. With the man in the chef's hat. I want to see that hat. Make it happen!

Mr. O'Boyle is on the phone.

O'Boyle: Yeah.

Doug comes in.

Doug: You got a minute?
O'Boyle: Yes. Oh, no, we're all set for your review. I think you're going to like what you see, Mr. Halliburton. OK, great. Well, we'll see you then. Yeah. Oh, I'll be so glad when this douche is out of my life. What's up?
Doug: Actually I just had to ask you a question.
O'Boyle: What?
Doug: Uh, about the review. Um, should we wear shorts that day, or go with a little bit more of a formal look with the longer pa- whoo, whoo.
O'Boyle: I don't care. Do what you want.
Doug: I'm just saying, you know, shorts is one way to go, but if you go, whikazata.

O'Boyle's phone rings.

O'Boyle: Hello. Yeah, hey Lou.
Doug: Zikazou!

O'Boyle throws the koosh ball to Doug.

O'Boyle: What? Ub-bah-ba-bob! Um. No. Tell the IRS we're not trying to hide anything from them. There is no Foghorn Leghorn who works here. No, it was just a bad joke by one of our moron drivers who's standing right here now bothering me. Yeah. All right. Goodbye. Well. Turns out the federal government didn't think your prank was very funny, either.
Doug: Oh, and they're so hilarious?
O'Boyle: Would it be possible for you to actually focus one day here on your job instead of acting like a massively overweight four year old?
Doug: I can certainly try.
O'Boyle: Heffernan.
Doug: Yeah?
O'Boyle: Whoo whoo.
Doug: Hm?
O'Boyle: Whoo, whoo.

Doug is at home in the kitchen. Carrie walks in looking glum.

Doug: Hey babe. I just put in eight fish sticks, and I could put in more, so I'm going to need to know from you, very realistically, if you're going to want one. Cause there can't be any of this can I have a little bite? No.
Carrie: It's happening.
Doug: What's happening? Should I bang it up to twelve?
Carrie: No! I was talking about what's going on at work.
Doug: Oh, right. The uh, the big case?
Carrie: No, you idiot! I'm talking about that I might get fired!
Doug: What?!
Carrie: What do you mean what? I called you from work in a panic!
Doug: You know I tune you out!! What do you mean you might get fired?!
Carrie: Well, they're firing Pruzan because they realized he's an idiot, and he isn't any body's nephew, and if they fire him, I, I don't think there's a place for me!
Doug: I can't believe this! I told you to dress sluttier!
Carrie: Thank you, Doug. Thank you for your support!
Doug: What are we going to do? I mean, this is your job! I mean, this is half our income!
Carrie: OK, you know what? You really suck at making me feel better, you know that?!
Doug: I'm sorry! I'm sorry, but what do you want me to say?
Carrie: I want you to say that everything is going to be all right.
Doug: Everything is going to be all right.
Carrie: I don't believe that at all!!
Doug: I don't blame you!
Carrie: Huh! I am really scared about our future.

The microwave beeps.

Carrie: Just get them.
Doug: No, come here, would you? Just come here. I don't know what the hell's going on over there, but they'd be crazy to let someone like you go. If for some reason, they do, well, we'll figure something out, OK?
Carrie: Yeah?
Doug: Yes. Would you put down the slurpy straw? All right? It's going to be fine.
Carrie: Well, just in case, don't do anything to screw up your job, OK? You're doing something to screw up your job, aren't you?

Doug comes into work the next day with two bags. Deacon is sitting at a table.

Doug: Hey, hey. Somebody's day just got a little more koosh-a-rific!

Doug pours koosh balls out of the bags onto the table.

Deacon: I don't want any of those!
Doug: Let me finish. I also got you a water pistol, an egg full of glow in the dark goo, and a tiny Matt Damon book.
Deacon: How many times do I have to tell you?! I want the koosh my son bought for me!
Doug: OK, we get it! Your kid had a buck sixty once! Can we move on?!
Deacon: No! Look, you know what happened last night? I got home, and the first thing my on said to me was where's your koosh ball, Daddy? Don't you love it anymore? I told him I was having it cleaned!
Doug: Nice one.
Deacon: That was the first time in my life I've ever lied to my child! I can't do that again! Look, O'Boyle's out with that guy, we stole the key. You're going in there like we planned.
Doug: I, I can't do that.
Deacon: Why not?!
Doug: Carrie might be losing her job.
Deacon: Really?
Doug: Yes, and that would leave us with only one paycheck, which is terrifying enough, but if I get caught in there, we're down to no paychecks, and I can't live on that.
Deacon: What? Look, he's not going to fire you.
Doug: He might! He fired Martinez because he wouldn't say freedom fries!
Deacon: All right. You know what? Just, just give me the key. Give me the key, I'll go in there.
Doug: I can't do that either.
Deacon: What?
Doug: Because I'm the one who threw him the koosh in the first place. OK? He'll know I'm involved. You really need to let this go.
Deacon: Give me the key.
Doug: No.
Deacon: I said give it.
Doug: And I said no!

Deacon pins Doug against the locker.

Doug: Oh my God! Left pocket.
Deacon: Thank you.

Deacon takes the key and goes into O'Boyle's office.

Doug: Hurry! Before he finds you!
Deacon: It's not in here.
Doug: What?
Deacon: It's gone. You think he wears that?
Doug: That's pretty sparkly for a dude.

Carrie is at work the next day, dressed a little provocatively. She goes into Mr. Levy's office.

Carrie: I'm Carrie Heffernan. I work for Mr. Pruzan downstairs, I have a, a FedEx for you.
Mr. Levy: Doesn't the mail room usually bring those around?
Carrie: Yes, yes, they usually do, but I was just passing by, and I saw it sitting there all by itself, and it looked so sad. Oh, what's that paper clip doing there? I'll get it. Got you.
Mr. Levy: Thank you.
Carrie: Yeah. Oh, one quick question. How's Bettie working out for you? Is she, she working out?
Mr. Levy: She's doing fine.
Carrie: Yeah? Yeah? She's good. She's good people, you know? But even with all the vacations? I mean, I just, my philosophy for the people I work for is work first. You know? And I know last month she was in Florida, and then what, two weeks ago, she just couldn't bother to show up?
Mr. Levy: Her gall bladder exploded.
Carrie: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mr. Levy: Carrie, I heard about Pruzan, and if this is your way of looking for a new job, I just have to say, this is highly inappropriate.
Carrie: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mr. Levy: And frankly, I would hate for a client to walk in, and see you on display like that.
Carrie: I'll button up.
Mr. Levy: Thank you.
Carrie: Actually, this isn't for you.

Carrie comes down the elevator. Pruzan comes out of his office.

Mr. Pruzan: Carrie. There you are. So where are we at, omelet wise?
Carrie: Well, it looks like you're getting a card.
Mr. Pruzan: A card.
Carrie: Yeah.
Mr. Pruzan: Worst case scenario, I thought ice cream cake, but this is chilling. You got to get them to bump it up!
Carrie: Mr. Pruzan, I know your egg issues are important, but I've got my own getting fired thing going on here, so I got to deal with my own thing.
Mr. Pruzan: There's Mr. Kaplan, you can talk to him right now.
Carrie: What? No. He's the head of the firm.
Mr. Pruzan: Yes, but he's also the guy who can green light omelet guy in a heartbeat.
Carrie: No! No, no!

Mr. Pruzan pushes Carrie into the elevator with Mr. Kaplan.

Carrie: Mr. Kaplan. Hi.
Mr. Kaplan: Oh, hello Carrie.
Carrie: Um, can I talk to you for a second?
Mr. Kaplan: Oh, sure.
Carrie: Well, I was just, I was wondering, if um, actually I want to talk to you about my job. I know Mr. Pruzan is leaving, and um, I'm sure you can understand that I'm a little concerned. Because you know, I've worked for this firm for a long time, and I'm really hap-
Mr. Kaplan: Carrie, Carrie, you'll be fine.
Carrie: Really?
Mr. Kaplan: Absolutely. Don't worry.
Carrie: Oh.
Mr. Kaplan: That deadwood boss of yours. He should worry.
Carrie: Yeah. You know, I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but do you know that he actually calls home during the day to talk to his answering machine so his cat won't get lonely?
Mr. Kaplan: So you understand why we're letting him go.
Carrie: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, Mr. Kaplan, one more quick thing. Dead Wood was actually hoping for um, that omelet man thing. I know it's silly, but it would really ease the blow for him, you know?
Mr. Kaplan: Carrie, that man cost this firm forty-seven million dollars. The only way he can have Omelet Man, is if he pays for it himself.
Carrie: That seems fair. OK.

Doug and Deacon are walking around the back of the IPS building.

Doug: Hey, how about this? Tell your kid the koosh got called back to its home planet of Koosharon, where koosh live, work in war ships, and throw around tiny people for fun.
Deacon: There it is.

Mr. O'Boyle is standing by the building, throwing the koosh ball. Mr. Halliburton comes around the corner.

Mr. Halliburton: OK. Everything looks pretty good. I should have your report back to you, Monday at the latest.
O'Boyle: Great. Thanks for stopping by our little depot.
Mr. Halliburton: Where is my car? Driver said he just had to bring it around. What do you have there? Koosh?
O'Boyle: This? Uh, yeah.
Mr. Halliburton: Yo, yo, yo.

Mr. O'Boyle and Mr. Halliburton start playing catch.

Doug: I'm going in. Zekaza!
O'Boyle: Hey, Heffernan. This is Heffernan, and Palmer. Just a couple of our drivers.
Doug: Hi.
Deacon: Hey.
Mr. Halliburton: Nice to meet you.
Doug: How you doing?
O'Boyle: Whoo whoo.

Doug and Deacon start playing catch with Mr. O'Boyle and Mr. Halliburton. Mr. Halliburton's car pulls up.

Mr. Halliburton: OK, this is me. Thanks Patrick. We'll be in touch.

Mr. Halliburton gets in his car with the koosh ball.

O'Boyle: Whoo whoo.
Doug: Shama llama.

There is an omelet bar at Carrie's law firm.

Mr. Pruzan: What do you got there, Paul? Bacon crumbles, Swiss? My God, they really went all out for me.
Jake: Which credit card did you want to put this on?
Mr. Pruzan: Not now.
Carrie: Hey, Mr. Kaplan, here you go. Oh, and don't forget your napkin. Don't want you getting anything on that gorgeous little tie you got there. What are those, ducks?
Mr. Kaplan: They're tiny pictures of my son, Harrison.
Carrie: Oh. Look at that, he's got your eyes! Um, Mr. Kaplan?
Mr. Kaplan: Hm?
Carrie: I was hoping that we could, um.
Mr. Kaplan: Hold on a second, uh, I'll take uh, mushrooms, and artichokes, and what is that, wafer thin Prosciutto? Hit me. I'm sorry, what was that?
Carrie: Oh, um. I just thought that we could talk about our conversation?
Mr. Kaplan: What conversation?
Carrie: Remember in the elevator? Our conversation about, that I could, I would still have a job here?
Mr. Kaplan: Why would you still have a job here if your boss is leaving? Who are you going to work for?
Carrie: But you said everything would be fine. I mean, you said that!
Mr. Kaplan: Well, I guess I meant that everything would be fine with you out there in the job market. You're a very competent person. Easy there, chico, I like my eggs a little wet.
Carrie: Mr. Kaplan, do you understand that I need this job? I mean, I don't have twenty-five million dollars in the bank and a house on the beach. You know? I have one house and it's very close to a gas station.
Mr. Pruzan: Carrie, can we do this later?
Carrie: No, we can't do this later. OK? We're doing this now. All right? So, you can understand why I took that kind of seriously, but if you're, you're telling me now that you're just going to, you know, let me go, then I guess, I just have one question. Where's my omelet bar? Hm? I have busted my ass for this company for seven years. I have come in early, I have stayed late for no extra pay, I babysat for your freak duck looking boy Harrison there at the Christmas party! And I've made thousands of travel arrangements for you and the hot little paralegals you're all mentoring! So I guess yeah? Where's my omelet bar?! Where is it?! Huh?!
Mr. Kaplan: Carrie, I'm your biggest fan. I would jus hate for our last interaction to be me calling security on you.
Carrie: OK. You know what? You don't got to call security. Cause I'm just, I'm so out of here. OK? I'm just going to, I'm just going to go down to the diner on 48th Street and Lex and I'm going to sit down and I'm going to order one of the juiciest, cheesiest omelets that I can get, and I'm going to sit there and pat myself on the back for the great job that I've done for this firm, and then I'm probably going to throw up because the food there is pretty questionable.

Carrie goes over to the elevator and pushes the button.

Carrie: Boy, am I glad that came fast.
Mr. Pruzan: Fired. That stings. Do I feel lucky I'm leaving mutually.

Carrie is sitting with Doug in the kitchen.