OPENING CREDITS

Doug brings Deacon over to his house after work. Arthur is sitting on the couch.

Arthur: Hey! There are the boys!
Doug: Hi, how's it going?
Arthur: Man, am I glad to see some real flesh and blood humans. Ten hours of sitting alone on the couch can do strange things to a man.
Doug: You're right. Yeah.

Doug and Deacon go into the kitchen.

Doug: God, I love Friday afternoons! You know, I feel like an artist, and the weekend that lies ahead, that's my canvas.
Deacon: So what do you got planned?
Doug: A lot of naps. How about you?
Deacon: Actually, I told O'Boyle I'd work a half day tomorrow.
Doug: You volunteered to work on a Saturday? Loser!
Deacon: Hey! Look, Kelly's got the kids this weekend. Going to work beats sitting at home in my apartment listening to the echo of what a family used to sound like.
Doug: Loser.
Deacon: Anyway, I should get rolling.

Carrie comes home.

Carrie: Hey.
Doug: Hey.
Carrie: Deacon.
Deacon: Hey, Carr.
Carrie: Come here. Come on. Aww, yeah, that's the good stuff! All right, get on out of here, you big lug. Go on.
Deacon: Right, uh. See ya.
Doug: Do you have to hit on him right in front of me?
Carrie: Shh! They're getting back together.
Doug: Who?
Carrie: Who, who do you think?
Doug: Van Halen?
Carrie: Deacon and Kelly!
Doug: What are you talking about? He didn't say anything about it.
Carrie: That's because he doesn't know about it yet. I just had lunch with Kelly in the city and she said she's done finding herself, learning who Kelly is, blah, blah, blah, and she is ready to come home, so when she drops the kids off Sunday night, she's going to tell him she wants to stay.
Doug: Oh my God, that's great!
Carrie: Oh, hey, come on, it's fantastic!
Doug: It is! I mean, they can finally get the family back together! Man, seeing those kids pack up their little Undaroos every weekend, that was rough.
Carrie: Yeah, you know who had it rough? You and me, pal. Hanging out with all those other couples the past two years?
Doug: Ugh, I hated one more than the next.
Carrie: Oh, remember the Pernwerts?
Doug: Aw, Doug, want to see my radio controlled boat? Pfft! No. No! God. So why is Kelly waiting till Sunday night to tell him?
Carrie: Uh, she's got to take the kids to visit her mother upstate.
Doug: Maybe I should go over there and tell him myself.
Carrie: What? You can't do that.
Doug: Why not?
Carrie: Because it's between Deacon and Kelly. It's a private thing.
Doug: Meanwhile, Deacon's got to be miserable for the whole weekend?
Carrie: It's two days.
Doug: Yeah? Let me paint a picture for you. OK? Tonight. He's lonely. He drinks himself to sleep holding a lit cigarette. He wakes up in the morning dead.
Carrie: He doesn't drink or smoke.
Doug: Oh, OK. But he shaves, right? So he's crying while he's shaving, cuts his throat, dead!
Carrie: That's not going to happen.
Doug: He's eating a sandwich.
Carrie: Doug!
Doug: Carrie, I'm serious here. Look, I mean, the guy's been a wreck, OK, and we got a chance to help him out here, why let him suffer?
Carrie: Huh. All right. You know what? If you want to go tell your friend the good news, go tell him.
Doug: All right. I'll do it tomorrow, traffic's brutal right now.

Doug is ringing Deacon's doorbell.

Deacon: Coming!
Doug: Howdy do!
Deacon: Hey man, what you doing here?
Doug: Just doing a Saturday errand, thought I'd come over here, see if I could lift your spirits. Even though your spirits seem pretty lifted.
Deacon: Yeah. I got a little company coming over in a few minutes.
Doug: Oh yeah? Who?
Deacon: Oh, you're not going to believe it, man. This morning I had a pickup at the Airport Marriott, right? So I'm standing in the lobby waiting, and I glance over, and there, checking in, smiling at me, is this crazy hot stewardess. So we start talking, you know, whatever, whatever, and she's like, oh I just got transferred to the European route. I'm going to London tomorrow, and I won't be back for at least a year. And I'm like, that's cool, that's cool, so uh, how you going to spend your last day here? And she says, get this, any suggestions? Ah-ha! I mean, I'm in my delivery uniform, she's in her stewardess uniform, it was, it was like the first scene in a porno! So, long story short, we're going to the Met game this afternoon, and then afterwards, she's cooking me dinner, here, in my apartment! It's on, baby!
Doug: Huh!
Deacon: It's wild, Doug. I've been through such hell, and then, today, out of nowhere, a little something something from the man upstairs.
Doug: And that something something is definitely leaving the country tomorrow.
Deacon: Yeah. Why?
Doug: Goodbye.

Doug goes home.

Carrie: How did it go?
Doug: Great! Stopped off at the Walgreen's and you'll be happy to know somebody's nose hairs will not survive the night.
Carrie: No, how did it go at Deacon's?
Doug: Oh. That. Decided not to tell him after all.
Carrie: You didn't tell him?
Doug: Nah. All right, I need some kind of cheese to step forward.
Carrie: Well, what happened? Why did you change your mind?
Doug: I don't know. I was thinking about what you said, and you know, about how it was really Kelly's place to tell him, that was quite persuasive, sometimes your shrill tone masks a very good point!
Carrie: But I just got off the phone with Kelly and she liked the idea of you know, you going over there and setting the table for her.
Doug: All righty, then I'll set a kick ass table. First thing tomorrow morning.
Carrie: Doug! Come on! Why did you change your mind? You're the one who didn't want your friend to be miserable all weekend.
Doug: He's hanging in there.
Carrie: Doug!

Doug goes over to Deacon's apartment for the second time.

Doug: Hey! Me again.
Deacon: Hey, what's going on?
Doug: You got a sec? Cause, actually, I do want to talk to you after all.
Melanie: OK, I think we're going to have to go to the game cause that lunch meat in your fridge has seen better days. Oh, hi.
Doug: All right.

Doug is sitting on the couch when Arthur comes into the living room.

Arthur: Ah, Douglas, just the man I want to see. Perhaps you could help me finish up my crossword puzzle.
Doug: Not right now, Arthur.
Arthur: But I'm tantalizingly close. The final clue is 'I Dream of Jeannie star Larry blank.'
Doug: Hagman.
Arthur: That's what I thought, but apparently the first three letters are 'B, X, X.' Anything?
Doug: Will you please? I got something on my mind here.
Arthur: Then, don't you think you should talk about it, son?
Doug: Maybe you're right. You got a second?
Arthur: Of course.
Doug: Today I was over at-
Arthur: Time's up. Marvelous gag, isn't it? Learned that from an old army buddy.
Doug: Anyway. You know Deacon and Kelly have been separated for a couple years now, right? Well, Kelly's finally ready to get back together, but Deacon doesn't know that yet, and I went over there today to tell him that, but I didn't.
Arthur: Why not?
Doug: Don't say anything to Carrie, but turns out Deacon met this stewardess who's leaving the country for good tomorrow and he's got a chance to, you know, be with her tonight.
Arthur: Suddenly this story turns erotic and fascinating.
Doug: You know, so I figured after all he's been through, you know, he deserves a night like that, but if I tell him about Kelly coming back, he's going to feel too guilty to go through with it, so I didn't say anything, but now I'm struggling with whether or not I made the right decision. What do you think?
Arthur: The girl's a stewardess, you say?
Doug: Yes. And smoking hot.
Arthur: Aren't they all.
Doug: Not really, no.
Arthur: Well, fret not, my boy. Your instincts were right on the money.
Doug: You think so?
Arthur: Absolutely. If Deacon is in the dark about his wife's desire to reconcile, there are no moral chains around him. He's free to frolic with a sensuous stranger tonight, and rekindle the flames of matrimony tomorrow. As long as he changes the sheets, it's a fairy tale ending!
Doug: Thanks, Arthur. That really makes me feel a lot better.
Arthur: That's what I do!

Doug goes upstairs, and Arthur goes into the kitchen, just as Carrie comes home from running an errand.

Arthur: Hello, darling.
Carrie: Hi, Daddy.
Arthur: Ooh, a pink box. Are we being treated to some delicious baked goods?
Carrie: No. Sorry, it's a cake for Deacon and Kelly. I wanted to get them a little something for getting back together. I had them spell out 'True Love' in those little candy hearts. Kind of silly, isn't it?
Arthur: Oh God, I'm a monster!!
Carrie: Huh?
Arthur: I'm an accomplice to something terrible. I should just paint a scarlet 'A' on myself. 'A' for adultery! Then, after this incident passes, I suppose it could stand for Arthur. Oh, that worked out well.

Carrie finds out what Deacon has been doing and confronts Doug upstairs.

Carrie: Hi, honey.
Doug: Hi!
Carrie: What you doing?
Doug: Just watching the Met game.
Carrie: Oh. Can I get you anything? Coffee, tea, maybe a complementary headset?
Doug: Uh-oh.
Carrie: Yeah. I heard about the stewardess. You're going to wish your exits were here and here cause I'm about to kick your ass.
Doug: That's funny. Ow!
Carrie: What is wrong with you?!
Doug: Arthur! Arthur!
Carrie: Oh, don't blame him. This isn't his fault.
Doug: Why did he even tell you? An hour ago, he agreed with me!
Carrie: Because as you've pointed out many times, he's insane! But at least he has a shred of decency in him, unlike you.
Doug: OK, will you let me explain?
Carrie: Please. Please explain to me how you casually decided to help your best friend cheat on his wife.
Doug: OK, first of all. It wasn't casual. It was a very difficult decision.
Carrie: Oh, I'm glad you chewed on it before you came down on the side of adultery.
Doug: Second of all, it's not adultery because they're not back together.
Carrie: She's coming back, he wants her back, so basically, they are back together!!
Doug: They're not actually back together until Deacon knows they're back together, which is supposed to happen Sunday night. Just because we found out in advance doesn't give us the right to travel back in time and change their destiny. Carrie, you don't mess with the fabric of time! If there's one thing we learned in Back to the Future, it's that!
Carrie: This is your explanation?!!
Arthur: You rang, Douglas?
Doug: Nothing, forget it.
Arthur: While I'm up here, maybe we can put our heads together and finish up this crossword.
Doug: Get out!! Who are you calling?
Carrie: I'm not calling anybody. You're calling Deacon to stop this unholy thing before it happens.
Doug: He's not home, they're at the Met game.
Carrie: Oh, so that's why you were watching the Met game, to spy on your handiwork.
Doug: You got it, yeah. It's a deep fly ball way back sailing high over the couple humping in the bleachers.
Carrie: Well, you know what? You are going over there after the game!!
Doug: No, I am not.
Carrie: Doug, I don't understand you! What's going on with you? You could be destroying a marriage here!
Doug: Carrie, it's not going to hurt their marriage, all right? She's leaving the country for good tomorrow! She'll be out of Deacon's life before Kelly walks back in! We don't have the right to travel back in time-
Carrie: Oh, will you stop with that already?! There's no time travel involved here, OK? Just have the guts to admit that this is about you wanting your best friend to bang a stewardess.
Doug: Fine. You know what? I admit it. After what Kelly's put him through, I think he deserves this. And you know what? Letting it happen is my gift to him.
Carrie: This is your idea of a gift.
Doug: Yeah. A gift to celebrate the end of a horrible two years. Did you get him a gift? No.
Carrie: OK, so Deacon getting his wife back, his kids, that's, that's not enough of a gift. He needs more of a gift than that.
Doug: They're different kinds of gifts. That's why you get more than one gift for Christmas. For God sakes, Carrie, Jewish people give eight gifts for Hanukkah!
Carrie: Oh, OK, according to your logic would it be OK if Deacon slept with seven other women tonight?!!
Doug: No, cause he's not Jewish.
Carrie: The stupidest conversation I've ever had!!
Doug: No. The stupidest conversation I've ever had. Besides, Kelly's been with, like, a million guys since she left him.
Carrie: Uh, excuse me. She's been with exactly two guys, and she only slept with one of them. But he was an orthodontist.
Doug: What the hell does that have to do with anything??!!
Carrie: Just that she regretted it. It was weird, the guy cried or something. I don't know!! The point is that when that happened, she didn't know what was going to happen with her and Deacon, OK? Today is the day before they're getting back together. So if the sex goes past midnight, it'll be the same day!!
Doug: The sex probably won't go past midnight.
Carrie: Yeah, don't be so sure. Some people can actually pull that off.
Doug: Ah, I see all the guns are out now!! You know, you can insult me all you want, I'm still not going over and telling him, I'm just not.
Carrie: All right, look, Doug, OK, I admit that Deacon being with this girl tonight probably won't destroy their marriage, and yes, maybe in some way he probably does deserve it, but I just feel like not telling Deacon about Kelly is wrong, honey, it's wrong. And I know in your heart, you know that too.
Doug: I, I don't know. Maybe.
Carrie: Come on, honey. After the game, we'll go over there and we'll tell him, all right?
Doug: All right, fine.
Carrie: OK, good. I'll bet he thanks you.
Doug: Oh yeah. I expect to get a very hearty handshake.
Carrie: When is the game over?
Doug: I don't know, a couple hours, at least.
Carrie: Doug?
Doug: What?
Carrie: It's raining.
Doug: So?
Carrie: It's raining! There's an Abbott and Costello movie on! Due to today's rain, the game will be featured tomorrow as a double-header. Oh my God! They're probably at his apartment right now! She's probably unpinning her little wings as we speak! Listen.
Doug: He probably doesn't even realize the mummy's right behind him.
Carrie: Doug!

Doug and Carrie rush over to Deacon's.

Carrie: I hope we're not too late.
Doug: Yeah, me too. Huh.
Carrie: Can you hear the doorbell from the bedroom?
Doug: I don't know.
Carrie: Well, what do you think?
Doug: I don't know, it's been a while since we had a slumber party.
Carrie: All right, just use your key.
Doug: I don't have a key.
Carrie: Oh, don't give me that. Yeah, I know you guys swapped house keys like, five years ago.
Doug: Oh, right. My please burst in if I'm ever nailing a stewardess key. Right.
Carrie: Just open it.
Doug: All right, I don't think they're here.
Carrie: Do you think they're in the bedroom, you know, doing it?
Doug: How the hell should I know?
Carrie: Check it out. Doug! Go!
Doug: Hello? Deac? Hot stewardess...

Deacon and Melanie, the hot stewardess, are in the hallway of Deacon's apartment building.

Deacon: Ha, ha, ha.
Melanie: I'm sorry, but I've never seen someone run so fast from a little rain.
Deacon: Hey, come on. This shirt is suede, it's $60, baby.
Melanie: You know, actually, I'm not sorry the game got rained out. Gives us more time for dinner. And what not.
Deacon: I like the sound of what not.
Doug: How's it going?
Deacon: What were you doing in there?
Doug: Well, I heard that the Met game got rained out, so I came over here to close your windows.
Deacon: OK, once again, what were you doing in there?
Doug: Actually, I need to talk to you a second, alone.
Melanie: All right, I'll just wait inside.
Doug: Thanks. Oh, don't be scared. The white woman coming out of the bathroom will be my wife.
Melanie: OK. Hi. I'm Melanie.
Carrie: Wow.
Doug: So that's pretty much it. Kelly's coming back tomorrow, she loves you and she wants to stay married. You know? Yeah, that's it. That's the whole deal right there. Great news, huh, Deac? Deac, you there, buddy?
Deacon: I love my wife. The fact that she's coming back is the best news I could ever hope to get. That being said, you realize you told me at the worst possible time, don't you?
Doug: Yes, yes I do.
Deacon: Then why the hell would you tell me now?!
Doug: I'm sorry, Carrie made me!
Deacon: I mean, the only worst time you could have picked is if you'd waited another half hour and popped out from under the covers!!
Doug: I fought for you! I fought for you, and I told her you'd been through hell, and you deserve this, and then she said some stuff, and here we are.
Deacon: Oh, man!
Carrie: Hey, did you guys have your talk?
Doug: Yeah.
Carrie: Oh.
Doug: Oh? Oh what?
Carrie: Nothing. I was just in there with Melanie, and uh, she ain't ugly, that's for darn tooting.
Doug: What are you saying? I shouldn't have told him?!
Carrie: No, no, no. You did the right thing. Definitely, you definitely did the right thing. Although, she could not be nicer. She actually gave me some free coupons for an upgrade.
Deacon: What the hell is she doing to me??!!
Doug: I don't know! What the hell are you doing to him??!!
Carrie: Nothing! Nothing. I'm just thinking, I mean, they still are technically separated and Kelly did have her thing with the orthodontist.
Deacon: She slept with Dr. Gotleaf?!!
Carrie: Kind of. It was not a big deal. Listen, Deacon, you're an adult. You're capable of making your own decisions. We should have never interfered. Just do what feels right, OK? Come on!
Doug: We were never here. The last five minutes never happened. You're just getting back from the Met game. The Mets won. You've got a beautiful woman in your apartment waiting for you. And go!
Deacon: Whew.
Melanie: Aww, are these your kids? Huh, they're adorable!
Deacon: Aw, crap.

Kelly has come back and her and Deacon are getting ready for bed.