Carrie comes into the kitchen where Doug is eating breakfast.

Carrie: Doug, did you notice that we have four bottles of shampoo in the shower that are all empty?
Doug: Yeah, I saw that.
Carrie: If you saw that, then how come you didn't throw them away?
Doug: Uh, cause I wanted to give you the chance to see them, so we could have this fun conversation?
Carrie: Just take them to the recycling, and take the garbage out too.
Doug: I got a sharp pain in my side. I must have pulled something last night. I told you it's killing me.
Carrie: OK, Doug, do you really want to play this card to get out of the four foot walk to the garbage can? Cause there's a "Cats" show coming up.
Doug: OK! All right! AAAAH. It's hurting. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it.
Carrie: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

There is a loud crash outside.

Doug: Oh, God.
Carrie: OK, Doug. Lying in the garbage. That's real mature. Oh, I like the tuna can hat. That's a good look. Now, get up, Doug. Doug? Doug?

Carrie takes Doug to the Queens Medical Center.

Carrie: Can I see him? How is he?
Dr. Garcia: He's going to be fine. His appendix hadn't burst yet, and we got it out just in time.
Carrie: Oh, thank God. Listen, he wanted me to bring it home for him in a jar. If that's a problem, just put a radish in there, it won't make a difference.
Dr. Garcia: Anyway, I'm just going to need him back here next week to take the stitches out.
Carrie: OK. Um, can I see him?
Dr. Garcia: Sure. He's probably still sleeping the anesthesia off. If you need anything, just buzz Candace.
Carrie: OK. Thank you.

Carrie goes into Doug's room.

Carrie: Doug? Sweetie? The doctor said you're going to be fine, honey.
Doug: Uh..
Carrie: I feel awful about this. I knew I should have believed you when you said you were in pain, it's just that you lie to me so much. Will you ever forgive me?
Doug: Yeah. Candace.
Carrie: Candace, the nurse? Honey, you want me to get the nurse for you?
Doug: So hot, Candace.
Carrie: Doug, it's Carrie.
Doug: Uh.. oh, that's good Inez. It tickles. Oh come on, Jenna. Hey, oh that's it, Carrie. Come on, Carrie. Ohline.
Carrie: OK.

Doug is sitting up in bed. Carrie is in the kitchen making lunch.

Doug: Carrie!! Carrie, is lunch ready?!
Carrie: Sure, you know my name when you want food.
Doug: Oh, hi.
Carrie: Hey.
Doug: This Band-Aid's been itching me.
Carrie: Oh here. Let me get that for you.
Doug: OW!! What are you doing?!
Carrie: Well, you were just picking at it like a little girl, OK? It was annoying.
Doug: You've been snapping at me all day. What's up?
Carrie: Why don't you ask Inez what's up?
Doug: Inez? You mean the girl from LensCrafters?
Carrie: You tell me.
Doug: What? What are you talking about?
Carrie: OK. While you were in the hospital after the surgery, when you were sleeping, you were moaning all these girls' names.
Doug: What?
Carrie: Yeah! Ooh, Candace, ooh, Inez, ooh Tanya. Sickening.
Doug: No, no. Those weren't girls. I was having a dream where I was helping someone name a litter of puppies.
Carrie: Well, apparently two puppies named Britney and Christina were making out with you in a limo.
Doug: That's cause I had treats in my pocket. Fine, look. Maybe I was having some kind of crazy dream, but you know I love you. You know I'm totally attracted to you. It's just, like any guy. Once in a while, an image of another woman just pops into my head for like a second! But you're my lady, you're my honey.
Carrie: Oh, that's funny. Cause your honey's name never came up. There was a Caroline, and um, a car wash girl, but no Carrie.
Doug: That's cause I don't need to fantasize about you, OK? You're the living fantasy that I'm honored to share my life with.
Carrie: Oh, would you shut up? I know it's normal, OK? But there I was in the hospital room feeling sorry for you, and the next thing I know, you're fantasizing about cheating on me with all these skanks! It hurts!
Doug: I wasn't cheating.
Carrie: Oh really? We're married, OK? I'm your wife and you're doing stuff in your head with them, how is that not cheating?
Doug: It's just not.
Carrie: How?
Doug: You're not there.
Carrie: I'm not there. What, I'm not in the room, I'm out of the country?
Doug: You're not alive.
Carrie: OK. So let me get this straight. In your fantasies, you kill me?
Doug: No. No, I don't. It's the rare disease that kills you. Or the bolt of lightning. Definitely not me. OW! That wasn't ready to come off yet!!
Carrie: I can't believe what I'm hearing here!
Doug: Let me explain, OK?
Carrie: Yes, Doug! Please explain to me why I shouldn't be upset that you want me dead!
Doug: I don't want you dead. All right? You got it all wrong! I mean, the truth is I love you so much that I could never even imagine cheating on you. So the only way I can have any fantasies at all is if you're up there.
Carrie: So to avoid the guilt of adultery, you choose murder?
Doug: Again. Not murder. In my fantasies, you're always taken from me tragically. I'm devastated. I give myself two years to grieve. After that, even your friends are like, 'You got to move on.'
Carrie: And would one of those friends be Lisa? My friend you're always checking out?
Doug: She may be one of those consoling me, yes.
Carrie: And do you end up sleeping with her?
Doug: For God sakes, it's been two years.
Carrie: Yeah OK. So what I'm getting here is I'm electrocuted and you're boffing my friends.
Doug: No, no, no! It's usually not your friends! It's not typical at all.
Carrie: What is typical, Doug?
Doug: Oh, do you really want to open this box?
Carrie: Yes, I think I do.
Doug: Like, I'm in the park, grieving. Just trying to heal. Trying to quiet the endless scream in my soul. When a chick in a sports bra comes over to me.
Carrie: Uh-huh?
Doug: But it's innocent, you know? We just start talking. And then I introduce her to Bobby.
Carrie: Who's Bobby?
Doug: He's our son.
Carrie: We have a son?
Doug: Yeah, he's the part of you that lives on.
Carrie: All right. I don't want to hear anymore.
Doug: Wait! You know what, there's a lot of judging me here! What about you? You know? You fantasize about other men, right?
Carrie: Yeah, occasionally! I'm definitely going to step it up now!!
Doug: I'm serious. Like when you and Keanu are getting it on, where, where am I? What do you do with me?
Carrie: You're around! I'm just cheating on you! I'm not pushing you down a flight of stairs!
Doug: I don't push you down stairs! You trip on Bobby's skateboard!
Carrie: Oh, bite me!
Doug: Oh, I certainly see where he gets his mouth from!

Doug is eating cereal. Carrie comes into the kitchen and drops some note cards on the table.

Doug: What are these?
Carrie: These are the sex fantasies you're allowed to have.
Doug: You wrote fantasies for me?
Carrie: Yeah. Look, I know, I got upset last night, OK? People fantasize. I get it, but I just can't let you kill me anymore. It's just not right.
Doug: That doesn't mean you can write fantasies for me. You're my wife!
Carrie: So?
Doug: So, do I let my cardiologist order for me a "der wiener schnitzel?"
Carrie: Look, Doug. I happen to have provided you with alternatives I think are quite sensuous.
Doug: OK, see. Sensuous is a red flag already. Let's see what you got, though. Oh boy. You are alone. Carrie is away on a business trip for Vogue magazine. You go to a florist to buy Carrie flowers. The florist reminds you of Carrie. OK, first note, little too much Carrie.
Carrie: All right. That was my first one. They get better. Keep going.
Doug: You follow a trail of rose petals to a canopied bed. Pfft! You ride a horse across a field. Pffft!! OK. I'm pretty sure this one was a Dharma and Greg.
Carrie: Doug! Come on! I worked hard on these! OK. The least you could do is have an open mind!
Doug: This is crazy! Look at these. I mean, come on! I'm on a horse. I'm biking through wine country. Why am I so active?! Do you know in my own fantasies, I rarely get out of a chair?
Carrie: Look! These are your fantasies now, OK? And you better start using them! Cause if I find out I'm dead, you're dead.

Doug is discussing the fantasies Carrie gave him with Deacon and Danny.

Deacon: You take her hand in yours as the gondolier looks discreetly away. You stroke her hair and she whispers 'amore.' Damn!
Doug: Oh, it gets better. I'm about to pick up a mandolin and start singing.
Danny: Hey, if these Carrie fantasies aren't working out for you, maybe you could have your mom fire off a few.
Doug: You guys are funny. Laugh it up, you know? Carrie's making me do these.
Deacon: Making you? How does she know what you're fantasizing about?
Doug: She knows things, OK? I mean, how did she know I was the one who got Russian dressing on our wedding album?
Deacon: I think a lot of people could have connected those dots.
Doug: That's not even the point. OK? Look, Carrie's feelings were really hurt about this, and I just can't blow her off, all right? I'd feel too guilty. Some of these aren't that bad. This one's got her nail girl, Tina in it. She's pretty hot.
Deacon: Good luck with that. I'm going to hit it.
Danny: Yeah, me too. Hey, can I uh, borrow this one?
Doug: Which?
Danny: The one with Meredith Baxter-Burney? I'll give it back to you when I'm done.
Doug: My gift to you.
Danny: Thank you. Oh and if anything with Judith Light comes across your desk, shoot it my way, will you?
Doug: All right, Tina. Let's see what you got.

Doug goes to sleep.

Carrie: Oh, Doug, I'm glad you're here. Can you pay Tina? I'm meeting Donna Karan and we're going to play darts at Calvin Klein's place.
Doug: Sure.
Carrie: Great, thanks. Oh, and I won't be back for a few hours. OK?
Doug: Whoops. I seem to have forgotten my wallet, I don't know how I"m going to pay you.
Tina: Well, that's very bad news.
Doug: Is there any other way we could uh, work this out?
Tina: I'm sure we can think of something.
Doug: Uh.
Tina: What's the matter?
Doug: It's just, my wife.
Tina: She said she won't be back for hours.
Doug: Right. I can't. I, I, I just need a minute here.
A horn honks, and two cars collide into each other.
Tina: Oh my God. What was that?
Doug: My wife. She's dead. Now where were we?
Carrie opens the door.
Carrie: I thought you said you weren't going to kill me!
Doug: I didn't mean to!
Carrie: Well, you know what? We had a deal, and now your little party is over. Out. Out. Look to me. Out. Who's back there?
Doug: Nobody. Aaah!
Carrie: Who are they?!!
Doug: My friends?
Carrie: These, these are the women you fantasize about! These are your regulars!
Doug: She's not a regular. I saw her on a billboard this morning.
Carrie: All right, you know what? Let's go, ladies, out. Let's go. Party's over. Time to go. Let's go. Hee haw. Yeah, uh, nice. You too, food court. Uh-huh, I'll see you. Oh, there's sports bra. That's nice. Village People make a comeback? OK. Is that one of your mom's friends?! You're sick.

Doug and Carrie are at the Queens Medical Center so Doug can get his stitches out.

Doug: Get out of my brain!
Carrie: What are you talking about?
Doug: Yeah, I tried one of your little fantasies. It didn't work. Now you're in here. And none of my old fantasies work either. And now you chased everyone away.
Carrie: I just don't want you to kill me! Is that too much to ask?!
Doug: I am tired of apologizing for this. Killing off your spouse in your fantasies is the most natural, beautiful thing in the world. Why can't you see that?
Dr. Garcia: Hey Doug. How are those stitches doing?
Doug: Oh, they're uh, they're good.
Dr. Garcia: He hasn't been biting on them, has he?
Carrie: No.
Dr. Garcia: Just a couple of minutes to get them out. And while you wait, you can enjoy a very old People magazine.
Carrie: Oh. OK.

Carrie goes to sleep.

Dr. Garcia: Mrs. Heffernan? I'm afraid the stitch removal didn't go well.
Carrie: What do you mean?
Dr. Garcia: What I'm trying to say is, your husband, he's dead.
Carrie: Huh! Honey, I love you so much.
Dr. Garcia: A woman as beautiful as you should not be crying.
Carrie: Why? What should I be doing?
Dr. Garcia: Dancing! Uno! Dos! Tres! Quatro!

A full band appears behind a curtain, and everyone starts dancing.
Doug wakes Carrie up.

Doug: Carrie. Carrie.
Carrie: Huh? Yes?
Doug: I'm done. Everything is fine.
Carrie: Oh, that's great, sweetie!
Doug: Sweetie? What's up? You're not mad anymore?
Carrie: No. No. I was just sitting here thinking about, uh, how much I love you. Come on, let's go get some ice cream.

Doug is flipping channels in the living room, and there is nothing good on TV. He goes to sleep. In his dream, he walks in to the nail salon. He looks behind a blue curtain.