Doug: Hey, do you know where the scissors are?
Carrie: Doug, we have lived in this house for nine years. OK? The scissors have always been in the same place and yet you continue to ask me where they are. Not to mention, the spatula, the pot holders, the pans. Well, I'll tell you something, honey. I have been a tour guide in my own kitchen long enough. Too many precious moments have been wasted showing you where things are. Just learn!! Learn!! I mean, what if I die? How would you flip a pancake? How would you, how would you ever cut anything ever again? Would you just sit here weeping and soiling yourself until somebody came in to help you? No, you wouldn't. You would, huh! Remember where something is. Yeah. So come on, honey. Please. Just this once. Find where the scissors are. Find them. Go ahead, baby. Go get them. Go ahead.
Doug walks over to a drawer and opens it.
Doug: I got them.
Carrie: You got them. You got them! Now was that so hard?
Doug: Not really, no.
Carrie: OK. What do you need now?
Doug: Tape.

OPENING CREDITS

Doug and Carrie are babysitting Major and Kirby.

Carrie: Oh, hey Major! What you got there?
Major: I made you a valentine, Aunt Carrie.
Carrie: Oh, that is so sweet. That on my jury summons. OK. I will put it right here next to my snowflake mortgage payment.
Major: What's that?
Carrie: Hm? This is coffee, baby.
Major: I want some. Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!
Carrie: Oh. No, no, no, baby. No, no, no. This is a grownup drink, just like the big vodka I'm going to have after your parents pick you up. Doug. He has my lipstick again.
Doug: I told you to hide those.
Carrie: I do, but he finds them.
Doug: Hey, what you, what you got there, Kirb?
Kirby: Apricot shimmer.
Doug: OK.
Kirby: Do you think it's pretty?
Doug: I think it's pretty great as a missile on a battleship. Look at that. Fire one! Pshoo! Blood, guts, death. Man things.

Deacon and Kelly come back.

Deacon: Hey y'all!
Carrie: Hey.
Kelly: The boys behave themselves?
Carrie: Oh yeah. They were fine. Bubble gum will blend right into the carpet anyway. It's OK.
Deacon: He didn't try to put on lipstick again, did he?
Doug: In his defense, it is pretty.
Kelly: Listen, we really appreciate you taking the boys again.
Deacon: Yeah, I'll tell you, having some alone time once a week has been huge for me and Kelly.
Carrie: Oh please. We're happy to help out.
Doug: Yeah, plus once a week, we get to be the kind of family that you usually only see on TV. Do that thing I taught you.
Major: What you talking about, Douglas?
Doug: Kid's a machine.
Kelly: We really owe you guys.
Deacon: Yeah.

Arthur comes into the living room.

Arthur: Darling, I need to borrow some bronzing cream, an overnight bag, and a major credit card.
Carrie: What for, Dad?
Arthur: That's my personal business!!
Carrie: OK. You want to help us out? Take that guy off our hands once in a while.
Deacon: That would be a big fat no on that one.
Kelly: Thanks again.
Deacon: Thanks a lot.
Major & Kirby: Bye!!
Carrie: All right. Bye-bye.

Carrie is in the kitchen, and Doug comes in.

Doug: Whoa, what are you doing?
Carrie: Apparently, somebody didn't like his macaroni and cheese, so he hid it in the change jar.
Doug: Actually, I think that was your dad. I saw him in that area. Uh, speaking of your dad, I was thinking about what you said before to Deacon and Kelly.
Carrie: What?
Doug: You know, the thing about maybe them taking him off our hands once in a while.
Carrie: I was kidding.
Doug: I know you were kidding, but think about it for a sec. I mean, we watch Kirby and Major all the time, right?
Carrie: They're children.
Doug: So? We don't have any children. We have a crazy old man. I mean, why does society say that babysitting is normal, but old people sitting, that's taboo.
Carrie: Huh.
Doug: See what I'm saying?
Carrie: Yeah, I never thought of it that way before, but you may be on to something here, Butch.
Doug: Thank you.
Carrie: I mean, how different is my father from a child anyway? I mean, he, he acts out, he screams when he doesn't get his way.
Doug: When it thunders, he climbs into bed with us.
Carrie: You know something? We deserve some alone time just as much as Deacon and Kelly. Our marriage isn't perfect either.
Doug: Far from it. I mean, sometimes I wake up and I just want to run away from you!
Carrie: I feel the same way!
Doug: Of course you do!
Carrie: You know what? It's not just about us babysitting Major and Kirby. I mean, what about all the other things? The birthday parties, and all the school plays we had to suffer through?
Doug: Yeah, and meanwhile. Have Deacon and Kelly ever been to one of Arthur's things?
Carrie: No! When he got his swimming certificate. And how about when he was in that senior center production of "Cats," where were they? Too busy!
Doug: Ooh. That was rough. Remember when that one cat broke her hip during "Memories?"

Doug is looking out the window, watching for Deacon and Kelly.

Doug: OK, they just pulled up.
Carrie: OK. It's show time. Dad, could you come up here for a minute? All right, kids, come on. Parents are here. Doug, help them get packed up.
Doug: OK. You know what, Kirb? Why don't you get GI Joe out of that blouse and back into his khakis?
Arthur: Time for dinner?
Carrie: Uh, not exactly.
Arthur: It's just you haven't fed me since breakfast, and I'm starting to hear a low-pitched hum.
Carrie: You'll be eating in no time.

The doorbell rings.

Doug: Hey! How are you doing?
Deacon & Kelly: Hey!
Carrie: How was your afternoon? You get some good alone time in?
Kelly: Oh it was great. We spent the whole day at the Modern Museum of Art.
Doug: Ouch. So uh, where are you headed now?
Deacon: We're going to take the kids to this new Italian place.
Doug: That's right. Kirby mentioned that. You know who loves Italian food? Arthur, you love Italian food, don't you?
Arthur: I'd eat anything at this point. Just end this experiment.
Carrie: Hey, crazy idea! You love Italian food, you're going to an Italian restaurant, maybe Deacon and Kelly can give you a lift. Hey, while you're there, why don't you guys just sit together, OK? Would you? Could you?

Doug and Carrie have decided to take a bath.

Doug: OK. Tub's ready.
Carrie: Sweet.
Doug: We got the house to ourselves. Time to get a little clean. And a little dirty. So uh, who should uh, get in first?
Carrie: Um, I'm thinking you.
Doug: All right. Come on in.
Carrie: All righty.
Doug: OK.
Carrie: This is nice.
Doug: Yeah. All right. Let's get down to business.
Carrie: Wait. You got to. Watch your knee, hon.
Doug: OK. Sorry.
Carrie: That's the hot water! Turn it off! Would you hurry up?!
Doug: I'm, OK! Not used to using my foot as a hand!!
Carrie: That's the wrong way!
Doug: I know that now!
Carrie: It's scalding me!
Doug: Save yourself!

Deacon and Kelly have taken Arthur with them to the Italian restaurant.

Arthur: So, after we eat, what's on tap? Jazz club? Amateur night at the Apollo?
Deacon: Again, miniature golf.
Arthur: Wonderful.
Deacon: Uh, I think we're ready to order.
Waiter: OK. What can I get you folks?
Kelly: The boys will have ravioli and I would love a house salad and a spinach lasagna, please.
Deacon: Same for me. How about you, Arthur?
Arthur: I think I'll try the spicy sausage with peppers.
Kelly: Um, Arthur.
Deacon: What's the matter?
Kelly: Well, Carrie said he's not supposed to have anything spicy.
Deacon: Oh. Hey, why don't you order something else?
Arthur: Well, I will have the spicy sausage with peppers.
Deacon: Arthur!
Arthur: Well, it was worth a try. Seriously, bring me the spicy sausage with peppers, will you?
Deacon: Would you stop?!
Arthur: I'm a grown man. Why can't I have what I want?
Deacon: Because you can't!
Arthur: You know, instead of giving me grief, I would think you would be more upset about why we have been seated next to the kitchen! Is it because we're black?!
Deacon: Just get what you want.
Arthur: Thank you. How's the spicy sausage with peppers?

Arthur has gotten sick off his meal at the restaurant.

Carrie: How's his stomach? Et cetera?
Doug whimpers.
Carrie: I can't believe they let him have spicy food. Are you OK? Talk to me, baby.
Doug: Carrie, I saw things down there that no one should ever see.
Carrie: I know. I know. You just got to put it out of your mind.
Doug: I can't.
Arthur: Can I have some more Milk of Magnesia? I'm starting to percolate again.
Carrie: Bring it right down, Dad.
Arthur: No! I will not let my daughter see me like this. Send Douglas.

Carrie and Doug are babysitting again.

Carrie: Come on in!
Deacon: Hey. Look. I know it's pretty short notice dumping the kids on you again, but these Beyonce tickets just fell into our lap.
Doug: Ain't nothing like a Beyonce concert to keep a marriage strong. We do the same thing with monster truck rallies.
Carrie: Hey, thanks for taking my dad off our hands on Saturday night.
Kelly: Oh, don't be silly. We had a great time, right babe?
Deacon: He's something.
Carrie: Yeah, the only thing is, and maybe you guys just forgot, but you let him have spicy food, and well, we were up with him all night.
Kelly: Yeah. Um, we told him that he couldn't have it, and you know, he made a big scene and started yelling, so.
Carrie: So, you just let him yell.
Kelly: Didn't really want to do that in a crowded restaurant.
Carrie: Now, I can understand that, Kel, um I know, but it's just that, um, when Major and Kirby are yelling for stuff, which they do a lot, um, we can also just forget the rules and say sure, you can use that drill to play dentist, but we don't.
Doug: Hey you know what? Next time he yells, just give him a piece of taffy. That will buy you forty-five minutes.
Deacon: Next time?
Doug: Yeah, we're taking your kids this time, next time, you take Arthur.
Deacon: Right.
Doug: It is right.
Kelly: You know what? We should probably go if we're going to make that show, so.
Deacon: All right, well.
Carrie: OK.
Deacon: You two take it easy.
Kelly: Thanks.
Deacon: See you in a few hours.
Kelly: Be good.
Carrie: All right, I'm going to get the burgers going, and you guys just pick out a video, OK? Did you catch the attitude coming from them?
Doug: Hard to miss.
Carrie: You know what I think? I don't think they just let my dad have spicy food cause he was yelling. They wanted him to have it. They figure they'd make it so tough on us that we wouldn't ask them to take Arthur again.
Doug: Right, and meanwhile, we're so good with their kids.
Carrie: We're freaking great!
Kirby: Aunt Carrie.
Carrie: What is it now?
Kirby: Can I have some mayonnaise on my hamburger?
Carrie: Yes. You can have mayonnaise on your hamburger.
Major: Can he have coffee too?
Carrie: No, sweetie, remember I told you-
Major & Kirby: Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!
Carrie: OK, go get me your sippy cups! Hurry up!

Deacon and Kelly are wondering why Kirby and Major cannot sleep, and are running around the house like crazy.

Kelly: All right! Settle down.
Deacon: What is it with you guys?
Major: Aunt Carrie gave us coffee!
Major & Kirby: Coffee! Coffee! Coffee!

Deacon and Kelly take Arthur to a restaurant.

Kelly: Here you go.
Deacon puts a bottle of hot sauce in front of Arthur.
Arthur: What does 'caliente' mean?
Deacon: It means delicious.

Doug is reading "The Shining" to Major & Kirby.

Doug: And then, eyes widening in horror, he saw the word 'red rum' reflecting dimly from the glass dome, now reflected twice, and he saw that it spelled murder. Then he tore and screamed in wretched terror. AAAAAH!!

Doug and Carrie are hanging out in the living room. Arthur opens the door with a megaphone.

Arthur: Look what they bought me at Radio Shack!

Doug and Carrie are in the kitchen plotting about what they can do with Major and Kirby to get back at Deacon and Kelly.

Kirby: Are we going to do anything tonight?
Carrie: Oh, yeah, we're going to do something. Just don't know what yet, babe. But it will be good. All right, so what do you got?
Doug: Do you want to do the coffee thing again?
Carrie: OK. That is so two weeks ago.
Arthur's voice echoes from downstairs through his megaphone.
Arthur: Douglas. Did you borrow my argyle socks?
Doug: No. Your feet are eight sizes bigger than mine. I can't believe they bought him a megaphone.
Carrie: Well, we sent them home with that ferret. I knew they'd come back at us pretty hard.
Doug: Oh man, this thing is getting crazy. Maybe we should just be the bigger couple and stop asking them to take Arthur.
Carrie: What?! And give up our alone time?!
Doug: Are you really enjoying it that much?
Carrie: It is what it is. You know. But that's not the point! OK? There is a principle here! And we can't just give up when we know we're right.
Arthur: Update on the socks. They were in the dryer the whole time.
Doug: All right. If we're going to keep doing this, then we got to go for the knockout punch. OK? Something they can't get up from.
Carrie: OK.

Doug and Carrie are watching a movie with Major when the doorbell rings.

Doug: I'll get it. Hey, how's it going?
Deacon: Where are my children? Hey, bud, how are you doing? You doing all right? Where's your brother?
Major: I don't know.
Doug: Kirby? I think he scampered upstairs. We haven't seen him in a while.
Deacon: Kirby?
Kelly: Kirby?
Deacon: Kirby?
Kelly: Kirby?
Doug: I would uh, check the bedroom. Right by the makeup.
Deacon: Oh my God! He looks like Liza Minelli!

Deacon, Kelly, Doug, and Carrie are trying to resolve their disputes.

Deacon: I think we all know why we're here.
Doug: I think we do.
Kelly: This whole thing has gotten way out of hand and it's hurting the people we love.
Carrie: Well, look. We didn't mean to hurt anybody, but you guys started it when you gave my dad spicy food.
Deacon: And you ended it by giving my kid an extreme makeover.
Kelly: The point is, you are the kids' godparents, and they love spending time with you, so we want to work this out.
Carrie: We want to work it out too, but it has to work out for all of us.
Kelly: I agree. So we have come up with what we think is a very reasonable proposal.
Doug: Lay it on us.
Kelly: You keep taking the kids, we stop taking Arthur, but when the four of us go out, we pick up two out of every three checks.
Deacon: And that beanbag chair at our place that Doug likes, it's all yours.
Doug: That chair was leaking beans last time I saw it.
Deacon: I'll patch it up.
Carrie: No! This has to be about you taking Arthur.
Doug: Yeah, and just as much as we take the kids.
Deacon: Ah, that's ridiculous.
Doug: Ridiculous? You guys have a good evening.
Deacon: Wait, wait, wait. Take it easy, take it easy! Come on! Sit down. All right, we'll take Arthur, but it can't be as much as you take the kids. It's just too weird.
Carrie: Well, how often? How many times a month?

Deacon writes a number down on a napkin, shows it to Kelly, and slides it over to Doug and Carrie.

Doug: OK.
Deacon: Oh come on! It was just an open end figure!
Doug: It's a one, with a question mark.
Deacon: All right, maybe we can take him two or three times a month, but he's just so crazy!
Carrie: Look, I don't know why he's so crazy when you get him. I mean, he does take blue pill at 6 o'clock every day!
Kelly: Well, it ain't doing the job.
Deacon: OK. How about this? If we take him, you got to give him more than one pill.
Carrie: Well, how many more are we talking here?

Deacon writes a number down and slides it over.

Carrie: That many? That'll kill him!
Doug: We don't know that.
Carrie: How about we bump it up to two?
Deacon: And a shot of cough syrup.
Carrie: Done.
Doug: So we're back in the best friends business?
Deacon: I think so. Ah, I'm glad we got this over with, cause you two fight ghetto.
Arthur: Just so you know, we are very aware you are talking about us, and we don't appreciate it. To show my displeasure, I have polished off a full platter of the spicy garlic shrimp. You've got twelve minutes.

Kelly is playing with Major and Kirby when the doorbell rings.