Doug is watching TV in the living room when the phone rings. He reaches behind the phone for a bag of Doritos.

Doug: Ah, there we go.
Machine: Carrie. Hi. It's Debra from Murphy, Black, and Sherman calling. Just following up on your interview with us today. Um, it was wonderful. Thank you. Unfortunately, it looks like we're going to go with someone else for the job. But hey, listen, I ran out for lunch, and I bought a pair of those great shoes you had on, I love them. Thanks for the tip! Bye!

Carrie comes home.

Carrie: I just had the best interview! I met with one of these female partners, OK? And we totally hit it off! Do you know I actually like this firm better than my old firm? So screw them for firing me. You know? I guess everything just happens for a reason. You know when I knew I really, I really nailed it? When she said she loved my shoes and asked me where I got them. Oh, there's a message.
Doug: Ah, it's bad. One of them is bad.
Carrie: Why? Did she call? What did she say?
Doug: Well. She did love the shoes.
Carrie: God! I didn't get the job?!
Doug: It's all right. Come on now. It's going to be all right. You, you just said everything happens for a reason.
Carrie: Come on! We both know that that's crap.

Arthur comes into the living room.

Arthur: I'm sorry, darling. I take it things didn't go well with your interview.
Carrie: No.
Arthur: I trust you'll give me ample notice if I need to make other living arrangements.
Carrie: Dad, don't worry. We're not going to kick you out no matter how tight money gets.
Arthur: Mm-hmm. Would it be possible to get that in writing?
Doug: Arthur, go!!

Arthur leaves.

Carrie: I've been on like five thousand job interviews!! I can't do this anymore!
Doug: I think I know what might cheer you up. Would someone like a little man breast puppet theater? Coco, why you so upset? Come over here. I can't quite make it over there. I'm not huge enough. You must eat more cheese. Is this nipple on?
Carrie: You know what I wish I could do? I wish I could just like forget this whole job search thing for a while. Just, you know, focus on me.
Doug: What do you mean?
Carrie: I don't know. I mean, I've been working since I was seventeen. There's a million things I could do if I had the time.
Doug: Like what?
Carrie: Like I've always wanted to read "The Great Gatsby." And I wanted to like, really learn how to cook. And there's a million things around here I wanted to do. And oh! You remember when I wanted to start my own business? Making designer cell phone cases? You know, decorating them with vintage fabric and fur? What do you think? Do you think I'd be good at that?
Doug: You know what? Yeah. I think you should do that. We got enough savings, and you got a little severance.
Carrie: Oh my God, Doug! This is, thank you. This is going to be great.
Doug: I tell you what would be great. If you would introduce me and Lefty to your lady breast friends. Where are you going? Come on, I got beers and a van!

The next morning, Carrie comes downstairs. Doug comes out of the kitchen with the coffeemaker.

Doug: Hey.
Carrie: Hey, what are you doing with our coffeemaker?
Doug: Oh, the thing broke. The glass thing that holds the coffee.
Carrie: The carafe?
Doug: OK, we're in America. Speak English. Anyway, you got to get a new one that fits that, all right?
Carrie: OK, I can take care of it.
Doug: OK, thanks.
Carrie: What's this, honey?
Doug: What?
Carrie: My commute.
Doug: Nice! You want me to grope you so you feel like you're on the subway?
Carrie: Honey, I love this! I just feel so energized! Look at this. I got my book, and I got all our old pictures out and I'm going to cross reference them with my old date planner to get the right dates on the back. How great is that!
Doug: Doesn't sound like something Doug Heffernan would sink his teeth into, but you go to town! All right, I got to get going.
Carrie: OK.
Doug: See you later.
Carrie: Bye honey.

Doug leaves.

Carrie: When did we go to this jackass's wedding? Ooh, Dr. Phil confronts giant babies. Sweet!!

The next morning, Carrie is in the living room on the couch. Doug comes downstairs, and sees the coffeemaker hasn't been touched.

Doug: I'm going to go in a little early. Just uh, going to hit Starbucks cause the uh, the coffee thing's still broken.

Doug comes home from work. Carrie is sitting on the couch watching TV.

Doug: Hi.
Carrie: Oh, hey baby.
Doug: What's uh, what's for dinner?
Carrie: Um, I already ate at four. I'm sorry. I'm not that hungry.
Doug: I am.

Later that night, Doug and Carrie are sleeping.

Carrie: Doug. Doug, I'm sorry. I'm so tired I can't even think straight.

The next morning, Carrie is sitting at the piano in her bathrobe pounding on the keys. Doug comes downstairs.

Doug: So how's the uh, Great Gatsby?
Carrie: Oh, it's good. I like it.
Doug: Hey, what's it about?
Carrie: Um, just some great guy named Gatsby.
Doug: OK. Just going to move this guy over here. Get him ready for his trip.

Doug is at work talking to Deacon.

Doug: Hey man. I didn't see you this morning.
Deacon: Yeah. I was a little late. I went running.
Doug: Hey, can I ask you something?
Deacon: What?
Doug: What does Kelly do all day?
Deacon: You're interested in Kelly?
Doug: I think about Kelly.
Deacon: I guess she uh, gets the kids ready in the morning, takes them to school, runs some errands, makes dinner, then we crawl into bed, and usually sometime during the eleven o'clock news, she opens for business.
Doug: Even after a full day like that, she opens for business?! You don't even got to bang on the door??!
Deacon: No.
Doug: Son of a mother!
Deacon: What?
Doug: Carrie! I mean, she's home, and she came up with this whole plan about "finding herself," but she's not doing anything!
Deacon: She made you a pretty fine looking lunch.
Doug: I made it! I was up at six a.m. grilling flank steak just to cheer myself up!
Deacon: Hey, can I have a piece?
Doug: Yeah. Not only is she doing nothing during the day, but the other night, I tried to get something going, and she said she was quote, so tired she couldn't think straight. OK. First of all, what the hell are you so tired from? And second, why does she have to think? It's not like I got a Rubik's cube down there!

The next morning, Doug is making breakfast. Arthur is in the kitchen sitting at the table. Carrie comes in wearing her bathrobe.

Carrie: Hey honey, what are you doing?
Doug: Just making some eggs.
Carrie: Oh. Can I have some?
Doug: Sure. I'd uh, make you some coffee, but uh, thing's still broken.
Arthur: Darling, I've been perusing the classifieds for you and I have found some interesting options. Have you ever considered dancing exotically?
Carrie: Dad, you would want your own daughter to strip naked in front of strangers?
Arthur: You just shut down. It's like they're not even there.

Holly comes in.

Holly: Hey guys!
Carrie: Hey Hol.
Holly: Arthur, ready for your walk?
Arthur: Yes, and after much reflecting, how would you like to have a long term house guest?
Holly: Why, are you having a problem?
Arthur: I'm not.
Holly: Carrie, is everything?
Carrie: Everything is fine! Dad! I said we're not going to kick you out on the street, all right?!
Arthur: Then why won't you put it in writing?!
Holly: OK. Who's ready for a walk?

Holly and Arthur leave.

Doug: Looks like you're doing your thing, so uh, I'm just going to get going.
Carrie: Yeah. I better get on my stuff too.
Doug: OK. Bye bye now.
Carrie: Bye hon.

Doug leaves. Carrie wanders into the living room, lays on the couch, and turns the TV on. Doug peeks his head through the living room window. Carrie gets up and goes into the kitchen. Doug gets distracted by what's on the TV, and doesn't notice that Carrie has come back into the living room. Carrie opens the window.

Carrie: Doug, what are you doing?!
Doug: Just waiting for Judge Hatchet to hand down her decision.
Carrie: Doug!
Doug: I'm coming around!

Doug goes around the house and comes in the front door.

Carrie: Would you please explain to me why you were outside spying on me like a two year old?!
Doug: Uh, not a whole lot of two year old spies out there. And the only reason I'm checking up on you is cause I just don't get what you're doing here all day!
Carrie: You know what I'm doing! We've discussed this!
Doug: No. I know what you said you were going to do, but I mean, look at this! You said you were going to put together a photo album, right? Well, here we are in Philadelphia. And black! I mean, look at all these pictures just sitting here! They got Chinese food all over them! Look, look at this. There's chow mein on my face.
Carrie: That's in the picture.
Doug: Well, it's not just that, what about the cell phone cases, and all this reading you were going to do? "The Great Gatsby." Do you even know why he's so great yet?
Carrie: What are you? My boss? I have to prove to you all the work that I've been doing? I have to ask you for a bathroom key next time I have to go?!
Doug: Would you just help me understand this? OK? Humor me here! OK? Tell me what you did yesterday. Besides watch TV and play the beginning of "The Rose" on the piano.
Carrie: All right. You know what? I am done talking to you. This conversation is over.

Carrie goes into the kitchen. Doug follows her.

Doug: Oh, I'll tell you when this is over! Cause I'm still talking!
Carrie: Well good. Have fun talking to yourself!

Carrie pulls out one of the kitchen drawers, sets it on the table, and sits down.

Doug: What are you doing?!
Carrie: I am testing pens to see which ones are dry?!
Doug: Are you kidding me?!
Carrie: Look, Doug! I know it doesn't look like I've gotten a lot of work done around here, but I, I have been thinking about what my cell phones are going to look like, OK?! And I have been thinking about how to arrange those pictures! You ever heard of that?! Thinking?!
Doug: Yeah, I heard of thinking! I have a question for you! You ever heard of dinner?!
Carrie: Oh, so that's what this is all about. Food. That's a shocker!
Doug: You know what? It wouldn't be about food if I could get myself a hot cup of coffee, but the coffeemaker has been sitting in the doorway for the last two weeks!! You think you could find yourself a half hour to go and get a new glass pitcher thing?!
Carrie: OK, you still can't remember the word carafe?!
Doug: I'm not calling it that, it sounds fruity!
Carrie: Well, you think you can help out by putting a lid back on the pen here? These are all dry! Thank you!
Doug: I understand you're upset, OK? And you think I'm the bad guy here. But don't you find it the slightest bit odd that we're paying for someone to walk your father while you're home on the couch with fully, functioning legs?
Carrie: I am finding myself.
Doug: OK, well let me help you. Here you are! Right in there! It's you! I found you! Now make some chicken!!

Carrie is on a walk with Arthur.

Carrie: How are things at the senior center? Did you ever figure out who stole all that applesauce?
Arthur: Can we drop the chit chat and address the huge elephant that's in the room here?
Carrie: What are you talking about?
Arthur: This family's financial situation! You canceled my dog walker, you're no longer offering coffee in the kitchen, we're clearly going under.
Carrie: We're not going under!
Arthur: Oh come on. This is the walk where you just leave me in the woods, isn't it?
Carrie: No! Everything is fine! I told you that the only reason I'm walking you, and cooking, and doing errands is cause Doug is making me.
Arthur: Oh. You know, you are home. What's wrong with doing things for your husband?
Carrie: Nothing. It's just there's a lot of things I want to do, you know, like for me. I wanted to do all this reading, I had this idea to make designer cell phone cases.
Arthur: I think cell phone razors are a brilliant idea. You talk, you shave, it's marvelous.
Carrie: Cell phone cases, Dad. Cases.
Arthur: Oh. Well, good luck with that.

Arthur and Mickey are helping Carrie with her cell phone cases. Carrie comes home.

Carrie: Hey guys! I went to the uh, craft store and I got some more fabric! I also got the little plastic hot dogs for the take me out to the ballgame phones. How are you guys doing?
Arthur: I'm about halfway through gluing the rhinestones on these. Should be very popular with the fay crowd.
Carrie: Thank you guys so much for helping me out here.
Mickey: Can I take a break?
Carrie: Actually, Mickey. You know what? Um, people are going to be coming here in a few hours, so why don't you just finish what you're doing there, and then we'll see where we're at, OK? So all right, now all these are for the cowgirl theme phones, all right? So you guys, glue on the lassos, and I'll, I'll sew on the denim.

Carrie goes into the kitchen.

Mickey: I'm so thirsty.

Doug comes in the kitchen.

Doug: Hey! What's going on?
Carrie: Hey honey! I am officially out of my funk. I am finally making my cell phone cases.
Doug: Really? Well, that's great!
Carrie: Yeah, hey. Check this one out.
Doug: Wow. Fuzzy.
Carrie: Yes. And I invited a few people over tonight for a little party so I can whip these out and sell them.
Doug: Who did you invite?
Carrie: Oh, just some of our friends, the neighbors, some people you work with.
Doug: Well, ain't that nice!
Carrie: Yeah! Yeah, well it worked for Tupperware, right?
Doug: Yes.

Carrie goes into the living room.

Doug: Tupperware was a good idea.

Later that night, all the people Carrie invited are at the house for Carrie's cell phone case party.

Carrie: OK, uh, hello. I just want to thank everyone for coming. I know you're all wondering what you're doing here. As you may know, I've been out of work for a while.
Everyone: Aww.
Carrie: It's OK, it's OK, it's OK. Anyway, um, while I've been home, I started my own business making designer cell phone cases, and because you guys are all my friends, I wanted to uh, give you first crack at buying them. So may I present to you, mobile homes!
Doug: Mobile homes! I get it. They're decorative homes for your mobile phone.
Carrie: Exactly.
Doug: Wow! You made these?! They're gorgeous. And I bet they're expensive.
Carrie: Not for what you're getting.
Deacon: Are the little hairs on the back of your head standing up too?

Arthur comes out of the kitchen.

Arthur: Darling, I've dropped my cell phone again. I wish I had a protective case for it. Phone cell. I mean, case cell. Oh, damn it!
Carrie: OK! So who's first?
Danny: Uh, well. How much is this Jets one?
Carrie: Oh. The Jets one is forty-five.
Danny: Dollars?
Carrie: Yeah. I know it seems kind of high, but you want to protect your phone, don't you?
Danny: My phone was free.
Carrie: How about you, Spence?
Spence: Oh, you know. I have a combo PDA phone. It's not going to fit.
Carrie: Oh no, I made these to fit any phone.
Spence: Well, see actually, the uh-
Carrie: Yeah, let me see it. Give it. OK. You see this, you got to, you just got to, you got to work it, there you go. All right, see? Perfect!
Spence: Well, uh, oh. I think it's dialing somebody.
Carrie: Like you can't use a new friend. Right? All right. Come on, Holly! You like your denim, right? Holly? How about a little denim cowgirl cell phone case? Huh?
Holly: Well, it's just um, you just recently laid me off and I don't really have a lot of money.
Carrie: OK. You're rehired. It's fifty dollars.
Holly: OK, OK, OK.
Carrie: OK? Great. Thank you. There you go.
Holly: Ah! OW! The little lasso cut me. I'm OK! I'm OK!
Carrie: What is, what is wrong with you people? I mean, why, why are none of you looking directly at me?! Oh my God! What am I doing? These are awful.
Everyone: No, they're not.
Holly: They're awful great!
Carrie: I'm, I'm so sorry.

Carrie goes into the kitchen.

Doug: Little eye contact would have killed you?

Doug goes into the kitchen to comfort Carrie.

Doug: Hey.
Carrie: What am I doing? I'm gluing plastic hot dogs on cell phones and making my friends buy them?
Doug: They're nice.
Carrie: Oh shut up. Would you make those people go away?
Doug: Yeah, I'll take care of it.
Carrie: You know, I thought I hit rock bottom when I was laying on the couch all day doing nothing, but this is worse. I mean, look at me. I have no job, I have no life, I'm not finding myself, I'm totally lost.
Doug: So, so you feel lost. You don't think I've felt lost before? You don't think the Great Gatsby was lost before he became a magician?
Carrie: He's a magician?
Doug: Yeah, what the hell else could he be? He's the Great Gatsby. Look. You're going to find yourself eventually. You know, maybe you just need to lie on the couch. Then maybe you'll go out and find a new job. You know, maybe you'll do the cell phone cases again. Although, you know, I'm not pushing that. Whatever you decide to do, I want you to know I'm here for you and I love you.
Carrie: Thanks. I knew there was a reason I keep you around.

Arthur comes upstairs.

Arthur: I think I got it. Darling, I dropped my cellophane case phone. Damn it. Mickey, let's run it again.

Arthur and Mickey are practicing the lines in the kitchen.