Spence: So where's Carrie tonight?
Doug: Ah, her firm's having this big party because they won some case.
Danny: Oh, so she's working late with the boss man? Bao chicka bao bao!
Spence: What is that?
Danny: It's porno music.
Spence: Oh! I thought it was the Starsky and Hutch theme.
Danny: No. It's clearly porno music. Bao chicka bao bao!
Spence & Danny: Bao chicka bao bao!
Doug: AAAH! I'm getting nauseous!
Deacon: Whoa! I got to run. I got to pick up the kids at Kelly's.
Doug: Well, can't they wait ten minutes? Come on. We got a tie game here!
Deacon: Nah, it takes me forever to find a place to park there! I got a damn ticket when I dropped them off this morning.

Deacon goes into the kitchen.

Deacon: Hey Arthur. Have a good one.
Arthur: You may not want to rush out of here just yet. I have an interesting proposition for you vis a vie your parking ticket.
Deacon: What?
Arthur: I have a pal named Smitty. We were kosher slaughterers back in the 50's, the hey day of kosher meats.
Deacon: Uh-huh?
Arthur: One day, Smitty got cute with an ax. Thanks to me, he still has his thumbs. No pinkies, though.
Deacon: Right. Um, my kids are waiting for me, so...
Arthur: Smitty works down at the parking bureau now. He'll fix any ticket for me.
Deacon: Um, I appreciate the gesture, but no thanks.
Arthur: Clean out your ears, fellow! I can make this whole thing go away!
Deacon: All right! Knock yourself out. I wasn't going to pay the thing anyway.

Carrie comes home.

Carrie: Hello!
Doug: Oh. Somebody's in a good mood.
Carrie: That's because somebody won a big fat prize at the party raffle! For the next month, we get four company seats to the Knicks!
Doug, Danny, & Spence: AHHHHH!
Carrie: Doug!! This is awkward. Uh, I'm sorry you guys, but Doug and I are going to be taking another couple.
Doug: What? Who?
Carrie: I don't know yet, but not them.
Spence: Come on, we're delightful!
Carrie: Doug. I need a girl there, OK? Like, while you and the other guy are talking about the game, we could be talking about which gorgeous black man fills out his shorts better.
Doug: Come on, Carr! I don't want to go to the Knick game with a couple I've never met before. I hate people I don't
know.
Carrie: Doug, these are my tickets, and I decide. Now keep bitching, I might not even take you.
Doug: You know, winning this raffle's really changed you.
Carrie: Oh I know! I'll take Ellie from spinning class and her husband.
Doug: OK. Don't know them. OK?
Carrie: OK, Ellie's great, and she told me her husband's a sports nut. You'll love him.

Carrie and Doug are at the Knick game with Elly and her husband, Stuart.

Elly: You might be right, but in his defense, those are very baggy shorts.
Carrie: Well, number 28's shorts are baggy, and it ain't hurting him.
Stuart: Back in my day, they used a two handed set shot. Now, that was basketball. Did you ever see Sweats Balmy play for the old St. Louis Bombers?
Doug: Yeah, I don't believe I did, no.
Carrie: How are you doing, hon?
Stuart: Are we going to grab some food after this?
Doug: Ah, you know, we don't have to. Uh, I'm sure you got an early day at work tomorrow, so uh...
Stuart: No, I'm retired.
Doug: Of course you are.

Carrie and Doug are home after the game.

Carrie: OK, bye you guys. We had a great time.
Doug: See you!
Carrie: Bye! I didn't know. OK?
Doug: In all the times you were spinning, she never once said, hey great work out, by the way, my husband? A billion years old.
Carrie: I don't think it's a big deal. I really don't!
Doug: Of course you don't. Because you're not the one who had to remind him where he was after he woke up from his nap!
Carrie: Doug, you are just rejecting him cause he's old! That's called ageism and it's illegal!
Doug: I ought to punch you square in the mouth. Look, I understand if you want to do the couple thing, but we got to find a couple that works for both of us, OK? And right now, Grandpa Munster ain't getting it done!
Carrie: OK! I'm open to suggestion. And don't say Danny and Spence.
Doug: Danny and Deacon.
Carrie: No.
Doug: OK. Then, hey, how about Eddy, you know, from work? He's got a girlfriend.
Carrie: OK. I like Eddy. What do we know about the girlfriend?
Doug: I know she has all her own heart valves.

Arthur is at the Parking Bureau.

Arthur: Hello, I'd like to see Smitty please.
Clerk: Smitty?
Arthur: Medium build, brown hair, no pinkies?
Clerk: Oh, Nubsy! He hasn't been here in like five years.
Arthur: Hm. That's too bad. He used to handle my tickets for me. Oh well, I suppose the baton shall pass to a new generation. Now make like Houdini and get this ticket to disappear.
Clerk: I'm sorry, I can't.
Arthur: Look, I told my friend I would make this go away. Don't make me slink back to him with my tail between my legs.
Clerk: Sir, there's really nothing I can do.
Arthur: Perhaps a visit from Mr. Abraham Lincoln would change your mind?
Clerk: I don't think so.
Arthur: What if Mr. Jackson came along for the ride?
Clerk: Sir, for two more dollars, you could just pay the ticket.
Arthur: How about if only one of the Washington twins showed up?
Clerk: I'm going to need them both.
Arthur: Right-o.

Carrie and Doug are at the Knick game with Eddie and Simone.

Eddie: Come on! Play some defense! My cleaning lady could have blocked that shot!
Doug: Nice steal! Man, I think he heard you.
Eddie: Yeah, see. You treat them like dirt, and they do want you want.
Doug: You know, you're going to make a great dad some day.
Simone: I mean, the doctor told me it was totally normal, but I don't know. Are your breasts lopsided?
Carrie: No.
Simone: Carrie? If you're free tomorrow afternoon, you maybe want to grab some coffee?
Carrie: Oh, I have a spinning class, sorry. Yeah.
Simone: Good for you. I should exercise more. Do some stretching. Maybe then sex wouldn't be so incredibly uncomfortable for me. I'm tiny down there.

Deacon and Arthur are hanging out having a drink.

Deacon: Let me freshen you up there.
Arthur: Oh my! Very generous. I hope you're not going to try to take advantage of me later.
Deacon: Again, Arthur? No.
Spence: Hey Deac! Arthur, what brings you to our little watering hole?
Deacon: Fellows, say hello to the fixer. He's drinking on me tonight.
Spence: What are you talking about?
Deacon: He fixed my parking ticket. Like magic. He's like, he's like the Lucky Charms guy. Tell them the story!
Arthur: I merely gave it to my pal Smitty downtown. He ripped it up and threw it in the air like so much confetti. He's theatrical that way.
Spence: Wow.
Danny: Hey, you know, me and Spence get tickets in front of our building all the time.
Deacon: Don't worry about it man! From now on, just give them to the fixer here.
Spence: Really. Could we?
Deacon: Are you kidding? This guy has got the hookup. He just feeds them to Smitty and they go away. Right, Arthur?
Arthur: Park with impunity!

Eddie and Doug are playing video games.

Eddie: Yes! Hahaha! You know, we should actually go to the park and play hoops sometime.
Doug: I'm going to level with you. I'm winded from this.
Eddie: Ah, you know what? I got to run. I just got to make a pit stop first.

Carrie and Elly come in.

Carrie: Hey!
Doug: Hey.
Elly: Hey Doug.
Doug: Hey, Elly.
Elly: All right. I got to get going. Carr, can I uh, just fill up my water bottle?
Carrie: Yeah. Right in there.
Doug: Hm. Elly's filling up her water bottle, and Eddie's peeing upstairs. It's the circle of life.
Carrie: Hey, I got Knick tickets for Friday. What do you say we give Elly and Stuart another shot, huh?
Doug: Oldie? Not a chance. Hey, let's, let's ask Eddie and Simone!
Carrie: What? Did you think that couple worked for me? I'm not spending another three hours with, with, with Lopsidey!
Doug: OK, that is a really dumb nickname.
Carrie: OK. Would you prefer Tiny Giny?
Doug: I think I would.
Carrie: Well, I'm asking Elly.
Doug: Well, I'm asking Eddie.
Carrie: Don't you dare!
Doug: Don't you dare me.
Carrie: Hey, hey! You and Stuart, want to go to the Knicks on Friday?
Elly: Oh, I would love to, but we can't. Stuart's away at his 50th high school reunion.
Doug: Shucks. Hey Eddie, you and Simone busy Friday night? You want to go to the Knick game?
Eddie: Oh, sorry man. She's going to be out of town for a work thing.
Carrie: Awwww.
Eddie: Hi, I'm Eddie.
Elly: Hey, I'm Elly, nice to meet you.

Carrie and Doug take Eddie and Elly to the Knick game.
Arthur is trying to figure out a way to pay all the tickets the guys have been giving him.

Arthur: There's no way I can pay all these tickets. The boys are going to find out I'm a fraud! It's over! Over!
Mickey: Smitty's still going to take care of my ticket, right?
Arthur: There is no Smitty, you crazy old man! I curse the day I ever met that eight fingered freak.
Mickey: What, what if I call Smitty myself?
Arthur: SHUT UP!!!

Doug and Carrie are back from the Knick game.

Doug: Great night.
Carrie: Fantastic. We finally find the perfect couple, and they're not even a couple.
Doug: I know! I mean it was incredible. Me and him, you and her, me and her, you and him! It was working from every angle!
Carrie: I mean, why can't Eddie and Elly just be a couple? We could do everything with them! Movies, barbecues, Vermont. We've always wanted to go to Vermont.
Doug: They would be phenomenal in Vermont!
Carrie: I can't believe they're attached to other people!
Doug: Sucks.
Carrie: Cupid really botched this one.
Doug: Swing and a miss for the naked baby.
Carrie: How sweet would it be if Oldie and Tiny were out of the picture? Then we could just put Eddie and Elly together!
Doug: You know, maybe we could sit down with all of them and very politely ask them to switch partners.
Carrie: Or, we can cut Oldie and Tiny's brakes, like they do in the movies.
Doug: That's good, but I don't fit under cars anymore.
Carrie: All right, let's just stop this. We're just torturing ourselves.
Doug: You're right. You're right.
Carrie: Eddie and Elly are not together, and they never will be. We just need to forget tonight ever happened.
Doug: I can't!

Arthur is at the blood bank hoping to earn some cash.

Nurse: Thank you, Mr. Spooner.
Arthur: No, thank you. Now please make the check out to the Parking Violations Bureau.
Nurse: Oh. We don't pay people for their blood anymore.
Arthur: What?
Nurse: Only the less reputable places still pay cash.
Arthur: Uh-huh. I'd like my blood back, please.
Nurse: What?
Arthur: You heard me. Pump it back in. I'm taking my business elsewhere.
Nurse: I can't pump your blood back in.
Arthur: You were going to pump it into someone else, right?
Nurse: Yes.
Arthur: Well, meet someone else.
Nurse: Sorry.

Elly and Carrie are working out.

Elly: I had a great time the other night with you guys. And Eddie.
Carrie: Uh. We did too. Great time.
Elly: Actually, it was just what I needed.
Carrie: Huh?
Elly: Oh, can I tell you something?
Carrie: Sure.
Elly: Things aren't going that well between me and Stuart.
Carrie: Well, well, what do you mean?
Elly: Oh, don't get me wrong. He's great. Really. It's just a lot of stuff. I mean, the age difference, and uh, you know what? I'm overreacting. Forget it. Everything is fine.
Carrie: No, no, no! Hey, slow down there, girlie girl. Let's talk.

Carrie comes home looking a little stunned.

Doug: What's with you?
Carrie: I did it, Doug.
Doug: Did what?
Carrie: I don't know how it started, but, but she said something about things not going well with her and Stuart, you know like he's old and everything? And before I knew it, I said yeah, and what if you guys do want to have kids? I just thought of that one right there on the spot! And she said, yeah, that it has been an issue, and then I said, well, hey maybe you guys should think about taking a break, and now, and she said yeah, and now they're separating. Huh! Oh!
Doug: What?!
Carrie: I'm hungry, Doug. Come on, let's go get some steaks, baby.
Doug: Well, wha, what? You broke up a marriage?!
Carrie: It was headed there anyway! Now all you got to do is break up Eddie and Tiny!
Doug: What?!
Carrie: What, what?! This is exactly what we talked about!
Doug: Yeah, we also talked about cutting their brakes, you want to do that too?
Carrie: We don't have to do that now, you doof. Hello!
Doug: Oh my God! You are terrifying! Kids are going to start wearing you as a Halloween mask.
Carrie: Doug. Doug. We're halfway there. I broke up a marriage. All you got to do is break up a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I could do that before breakfast.
Doug: No, no, I'm not doing it!
Carrie: Doug. Vermont. Think of Vermont. Skiing. Just the four of us relaxing in the hot tub. I bet you they look pretty when they're wet.
Doug: No, that is it. End of story! OK?! Stop staring, devil woman!

Doug is hanging out with Eddie after work.

Eddie: Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't check in, Simone. Yeah, I just, I can't call you every ten minutes! Yeah. I'm having a beer with Doug. No. It's one beer, OK? I'll see you at home. Man, Simone is all over me lately.
Doug: You know what I'm all over? Purple M&M's. I fought them for a while, but they won.
Eddie: I mean, she's pretty, but she's really needy! You know, she's always asking if I think her boobs look normal. They look fine, now can you put them back in?! I just don't know. What should I do here, Doug?

Doug comes home.

Doug: It's done.

Deacon, Spence, and Danny are hanging out when Arthur walks in.

Deacon: Hey, it's the fixer!
Arthur: Gentlemen, can I have a moment of your time?
Deacon: Oh sure. Make some space for the fixer, boys!
Arthur: Fellows, these past few weeks we've spent together. They've meant the world to me. But the truth is, the truth is, it's an honor to fix your tickets.

Carrie and Doug are at the Knick game with Eddie and Elly.

Carrie: Great game, huh, honey? What's your problem?
Doug: They're my problem.
Carrie: What? Doug, look at them. They're perfect, we made a beautiful match!
Doug: No, we took four innocent people into the lab, and built ourselves a Frankencouple!
Carrie: Would you just stop it?!
Eddie: Hey uh, are you guys OK over there?
Carrie: Oh yeah. Yeah, it's all good over here. No problems.
Doug: Yeah it's all good. We're fine. We got what we wanted. Clearly that's all that really matters!
Carrie: All right. Just Diet Coke for me baby. Thanks!
Elly: What is up with Doug?
Eddie: I don't know. He's been acting like a real tool lately.
Elly: I don't get it. What does Carrie see in him?
Eddie: I don't know. Jeff!
Jeff: Oh my God, Eddie! How are you doing?
Eddie: Great. Wow, it's been a few years, huh?
Jeff: How did you score these seats?
Eddie: Oh, um. We got them from my friend Carrie.
Jeff: Ooh. She's cute. What's her situation?
Eddie: Well, she's with someone, but they seem to fight a lot lately. Uh, Carrie. Meet Jeff.
Carrie: Hello.

Stuart is reading a newspaper at a restaurant. Simone is sitting at the next table over.