Carrie: Hey Dad.
Arthur: Kids, I've made the most incredible discovery.
Doug: What? That I can't see Sports Center through you?
Arthur: No, this. I stumbled on a little slice of heaven called the Dollar Store. Guess how much I paid for this?
Carrie: I don't know. How much?
Arthur: A dollar!
Carrie: Wow! Not sure you needed the Jerry curl, though.
Arthur: For a dollar? How could I not need it? I'm telling you, Douglas. You should go there. The prices are unbeatable!
Doug: Mm. Unless you go down to the Ninety-nine Cent Store.
Arthur: The what?
Doug: The Ninety-nine Cent Store, it's like the Dollar Store, only everything is a penny cheaper.
Arthur: Those bastards saw me coming a mile away!!
Doug: That was fun.

OPENING CREDITS

Doug is at work.

Doug: OK, boys. Breakfast is served.
Jimmy: Thought you were going to Dunkin' Donuts.
Doug: Change in plans. Lin Garden is now open twenty-four, seven.
Deacon: OK, just because a restaurant is open twenty-four hours a day, doesn't mean you have to eat there twenty-four hours a day.
Doug: That's exactly what it means.
Deacon: Aw, how sad is that? All those loaders going after the one open driver spot.
Doug: Look at them filling out their applications. They're adorable. I just want to squeeze them, you know?
Deacon: Hey look. Your cousin Danny is grabbing an application.
Doug: Oh crap.
Deacon: What?
Doug: Now he's going to be all over me to help him out, and write him a letter of recommendation.
Danny: Hey buddy!
Doug: Hey! What the heck is all this soy sauce? This is crazy. I got to go back.
Danny: What? There's a ton of soy sauce right here.
Doug: Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. There's too much. I got to bring some back.

Holly has brought Arthur home from their walk.

Holly: I don't know. We exchanged numbers, but he hasn't called me. Maybe I should just give him a call.
Arthur: Don't you dare! If this Tito fella can't see how special you are, then he's not worth it.
Holly: I guess.
Arthur: You're smart, successful, and other than being a little light in the bazoom, very attractive.
Holly: OK, now you've got me blushing. You know Arthur, at first you were just this person that I walk, but I got to say, now you've become so much more. You've, you've become kind of like family.
Arthur: Now you got me blushing.
Holly: Well, I better go. Cupcake's sending out warning signals.
Arthur: Ah yes. That certainly was Cupcake.
Holly: Bye.
Arthur: Goodbye.

Doug comes in the kitchen.

Arthur: I was just paid a wonderful compliment. Holly said I was like family to her.
Doug: Wow. She have a basement?
Arthur: Don't worry, Douglas. I love it here.

Carrie comes home.

Carrie: Hey.
Doug: Hey.
Carrie: Hey listen. Uh, the wind is blowing our trash can down the middle of the street.
Doug: I know. I saw. Those things get rolling pretty good, huh?

The phone rings.

Carrie: Hello? Oh, hey Danny.
Doug Mouthing: I'm not here.
Carrie: Uh, no. He's not here. He's um...
Doug Mouthing: Out jogging.
Carrie: He's at Jack-in-the-Box. Yeah. Oh, that's great Danny. I'm sure you'll get it. Yeah, yeah. He'll be happy to do that for you. OK honey. Bye bye. What is your problem?
Doug: Did you just say to him I'd write him a letter of recommendation?
Carrie: Yeah. Why is that such a big deal?
Doug: UH! Because he only wants to be a driver cause I'm a driver! He's copying me again!
Carrie: Copying you?
Doug: Yeah! When we were kids, I got a Reggie Jackson mitt, two weeks later, he got one. When I dropped out of junior college, he dropped out of junior college! Then just last month, I went on that juice diet, he did.
Carrie: Did he gain ten pounds on it?
Doug: Look, you know what? There's no point in even discussing this because the bottom line is, Danny is not right for this job!
Carrie: Oh, why is that?
Doug: Because when it comes to driving, he just doesn't have it.
Carrie: OK, and by it, do you mean a driver's license?
Doug: Uh, excuse me, it's a Class-C License, and don't knock it. It's paid for slightly less than half of all this.
Carrie: Just be a good guy and write the letter for your cousin! Here!
Doug: Huh. Unbelievable. Does dumbass have a hyphen?
Carrie: All right. Give it to me.

Supervisor O'Boyle is making an announcement.

O'Boyle: All right. I'd like to introduce the newest driver to the IPS family, Danny Heffernan. You are now a member of an elite force, son. With great honor comes great responsibility. Make us proud. All right, next item. One of you pinheads broke my stapler. Until further notice, my stapler is off limits. That's it. Hit the streets, everybody. Heffernan! Show your cousin the ropes.
Danny: Hey, thanks a lot for writing that letter, buddy. So, what's the uh, dealio? Am I getting a good truck? What's my route? Where am I going?
Doug: You know what? Your first delivery is to Shut It Up Industries. You're not a loader anymore, you're a driver. Act like one.
Danny: Right.
Doug: All right, here she is. So what's the first thing you do when you get in in the morning?
Danny: Uh, perimeter check. Tire pressure, door gates, and fluid levels.
Doug: Oh boy.
Danny: What? That's what it said in the manual.
Doug: I know what it says in the manual, OK? I'm here to teach you what's not in the manual. All right? You hear that? Come here. You know what that is?
Danny: Uh, We Will Rock You?
Doug: No. Listen! You got a rivet missing.
Danny: Mm-hmm. Hey, can I gave the keys now, or are you just going to-
Doug: The keys. You want the keys. He wants the keys. I knew making you a driver was a big mistake.
Danny: Mistake? Why did you write that letter of recommendation?
Doug: I didn't. Carrie did!
Danny: What?
Doug: Yeah, the truth is, I don't think you can handle this job.
Danny: It's driving and walking. Get over yourself!
Doug: OK. If it's so easy, hot shot, why don't you take my route today, and I'll take the trainee route. And I'll talk to O'Boyle right now and make that happen if you want me to!
Danny: Fine.
Doug: OK, here you go. Welcome to Zone Eight! Or as you'll be calling it, I can't do it!

Holly comes over to Doug and Carrie's to pick up Arthur.

Holly: Hey Arthur. You were right about Tito. He called me last night begging me to go out with him again.
Arthur: Well, if there's one thing I know, it's how to get a man.
Holly: OK, Arthur, are you ready for your walk?
Arthur: You betcha.
Holly: Oh! I got you a little something just to say thanks for being so nice.
Arthur: What is this? "World's Greatest Grandfather."
Holly: You know, you're like a grandfather to me.
Arthur: A grandfather?! Why don't you just kick me in the marbles?!
Holly: What? Why are you mad?
Arthur: Because I'm not like a grandfather, I'm like a father to you!
Holly: Oh, I didn't mean to say that you were old or anything.
Arthur: It has nothing to do with age! It's about stature.
Holly: What?
Arthur: Grandfathers are a dime a dozen. That's why everyone gets two of them. Fathers are the Real McCoy! They're the wind beneath your wings! If you can't see that I'm your wind, then you're dead to me!!!

Doug is at work, and Danny is back from the route.

Doug: Oh, got too rough for you out there, huh? You quit in the middle of the day. What's the matter? The packages too heavy? You couldn't see over the steering wheel?
Danny: Yeah, you were right Doug. I couldn't do your route as fast as you. I can only do it forty-six minutes faster than you've ever done it! Oh, hear that tapping? That's the sound of this loader dusting your ass! That's got to hurt.

Holly is trying to make Arthur feel better so they can go on their walk.

Holly: Think of it this way. Would you rather be a piano or a grand piano? A canyon or a Grand Canyon? A grand opry or a Grand Ole Opry?
Arthur: I ain't buying your soap, lady!!
Holly: Arthur, Arthur, listen. I'm sorry that the trophy hurt your feelings. Just give it to me and I'll take it back.
Arthur: Why? Do you want to swap it out for a "World's Best Fourth Cousin" trophy?
Holly: No. Arthur, I just want to get this over with so we can go on our walk!
Arthur: Well, it's not going to be over until you admit what's obvious to everyone else!
Holly: Fine! Fine! You're like a father to me. You are exactly like a father to me!
Arthur: I am?
Holly: Yes.
Arthur: Come here! Feels good, doesn't it? That's it. Let it out.

Doug comes home angry. Carrie is in the living room.

Carrie: Hey babe.
Doug: YOU!!!
Carrie: What's the matter with you?

Doug goes upstairs.

Doug: I DON'T KNOW!
Carrie: Doug?
Doug: FORGET IT!
Carrie: Look, what is going on with you?
Doug: You just had to help your precious little Danny, didn't you?
Carrie: Why? What happened? Did he screw up or something?
Doug: No, no, no. He did great! He did my route faster than I've ever done it!
Carrie: He did better than you?
Doug: I don't know why you're so shocked. According to your letter, he's infinitely talented!
Carrie: Oh, come on. I had to write something. I couldn't say he was a stumpy loser.
Doug: I can't believe this.
Carrie: Well, what's the big deal anyway?
Doug: It was his first day! I got smoked by a rookie! I'm a disgrace to my shorts! You know what? Give these to someone who deserves them!
Carrie: I got to be honest with you. I don't think anyone deserves these. Doug, come on. Don't get down on yourself. You're a great driver!
Doug: No, I'm not!
Carrie: Yes, you are!
Doug: No, I'm not! You can't be great at something if you're not as good as a stumpy loser, unless it's a stumpy loser contest!
Carrie: It's OK, baby, really.
Doug: No it's not. Look. God, if he can just waltz in there on his first day and do better than me, then what does it all mean? Why do I even bother getting up?
Carrie: Well, you have other things in your life other than driving.
Doug: Like what?
Carrie: Well, you have me, and your health. Sort of.
Doug: You know what it is? It's like I could take pride in my work. Before today, I really thought I brought something special to the job, something that nobody else but me could bring.
Carrie: Really?
Doug: Yeah. You know, sometimes at the end of the day, you know, after I'd had a great run, I actually thought God put me on this earth to get people their packages.
Carrie: Really?
Doug: YES!!
Carrie: Look, Doug. I'm sorry. Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe you're expecting a little too much out of your truck driving job. I mean, I don't get any fulfillment from my job.
Doug: What about last week? You said you had a great day at work.
Carrie: Oh, I wore some tight pants, I got some good feedback. I wouldn't suggest that for you. Look, honey. I don't know what to say. I mean, we're not doctors, you know, we're not saving lives with what we do. We have jobs, you know? We punch in, we cash our checks, and we come home to each other. That should be enough, OK? I'm going to go change.

Carrie goes out of the bedroom, and Doug turns on the TV. He flips channels and lands on a commercial that says...

TV: Unemployed? Need a job quick? Well, become a truck driver. No education? No problem. No experience? No problem. If you can sit down, you can be a driver.

Holly is walking some dogs, and is in Doug and Carrie's backyard.

Holly: Don't worry, guys. We'll get going as soon as we pick up Arthur. Arthur!
Arthur: Right here, darling.
Holly: What's going on?
Arthur: You told me once you never learned to ride a bike, and I intend to teach you.
Holly: Oh, Arthur, that's sweet, but you really don't need to do-
Arthur: Am I like a father to you or not?!
Holly: You're like a father to me, you're like a father to me.

Doug is at work.

Doug: Hi.
Deacon: Hey, man.
Doug: What are you doing?
Deacon: I'm reading a book.
Doug: OK. Look. Let me ask you something. Do you like our jobs here? I mean, are you proud of what you do?
Deacon: I drive boxes around Queens.
Doug: Yeah, I know. But I mean, when you do it well, do you think you're making some small difference in the world?
Deacon: I drive boxes around Queens.
Doug: Then why are you here? What do you even do this for?
Deacon: A paycheck, benefits, I don't know how to farm, I mean, what are you looking for here, buddy?
Doug: You know what? Forget it, man. Go back to your book. What?
O'Boyle: Oh yeah, a little change in the schedule there.
Doug: Uh, you gave Danny my route.
O'Boyle: I got to go with the hot hand, Doug. You just drive the trainee route a few more weeks, huh? And uh, tell Palmer to stop with the reading, it's creeping me out.
Doug: Hey, you know. There are two unwritten rules at IPS. Eyes forward at the urinal, and you never steal another guy's route! And you broke them both!
Danny: I didn't steal your route, OK? And at the urinal, again, I thought I saw a quarter next to your foot!
Doug: You are so out of line on this!
Danny: How am I out of line?! The best drivers get the best routes! You taught me that.
Doug: Oh. So now you think you're a better driver than me?
Danny: Look, I don't want to fight, all right? I just want to have some of Mrs. Janowski's fresh baked sugar cookies, on my first day!
Doug: That's it, man!
O'Boyle: Hey, hey, hey!! You two have a problem, you settle it the IPS way! Tonight! Old Dugan Road! 8:00 sharp!
Deacon: Oh yeah! You know what I'm talking about!
Danny: Uh, actually I got a allergist thing at 7:30. I might be a little late.
O'Boyle: All right. Tonight! Old Dugan Road! Eightish!

Everyone is at Old Dugan Road.

Doug: Hey, did you uh, soup me up under there?
Deacon: Uh, no I couldn't figure out how, but you're good on wiper fluid. Good luck, brother.
Carrie: Doug!
Doug: What are you doing here?
Carrie: I called the depot, and they told me what was going on.
Doug: Carrie! You're not stopping me. I'm doing this!
Carrie: I didn't come to stop you, OK? I just, I just came to give you this.
Doug: A packet of tartar sauce?
Carrie: Yeah, you brought it home from your first lunch break of your first day at IPS. Remember back when you used to eat fish?
Doug: Oh yeah! Captain Eddy's Tartar Sauce!
Carrie: Yeah, you asked me to keep it because of the fortune on the back. Read it.
Doug: The most important thing in life is drive.
Carrie: Yeah. Remember you said it was like a sign that you were meant to do this? And you know what? You were right, Doug. Your job is important. I'm just sorry I didn't see that sooner. Are those my Isotoners?
Doug: I couldn't find mine.
Deacon: OK. Let's get going, guys.
Carrie: All right, hey, good luck. Come on. All right, now listen. You kick that stumpy loser's ass, OK? Hi Danny!
Deacon: Go on the drop!

Doug and Danny race their trucks to the station where they get out and pick up their packages. Then they drive to the drop off point. They drop off their packages, and then get back in their trucks.

Danny: No! No!
Doug: Having some problems there, ace?
Danny: No, I'm fine.
Doug: You ain't going to start it like that.
Danny: I know what I'm doing.
Doug: Stop pumping the gas! It's fuel injection! It floods if you pump it, you should know that!
Danny: Stop yelling at me!
Doug: Well, you're doing it wrong!
Danny: You're right! Damn it! I can't do this! You win! You're the better driver! You've always been the better driver!
Doug: What are you talking about? You beat me at my own route.
Danny: Oh. I cheated, OK? I started early, and worked through lunch, and I didn't even deliver all my packages!
Doug: Your truck was empty when you brought it back!
Danny: Yeah, well, my apartment's not.
Doug: What?
Danny: It's just, you've always been better than me at everything. Just once, I wanted to beat you at something, but I'm just a stupid loader, and that's all I'll ever be!
Doug: Stop your crying, would you? You're a driver for the International Parcel Service! Have some pride, man! Now open the choke and put it in neutral.
Danny: I can't.
Doug: DO IT!! There, now turn the ignition key, and just tap the accelerator. All right! Now, put it in reverse.
Danny: OK. Why do I put it in reverse?
Doug: Cause now you're going backwards, friend.

Holly and Arthur are in the park. Holly is riding the bicycle Arthur bought for her.